LIES

Sometimes, what's really cool, Bliss, is giving profuse thanks for the good fortunes that befall others - no matter who they are - because, invariably, your joy for them will yield the same good fortunes for you.

Shoe-wee!
The Universe

Not easy to do but I'm prepared to practise this. However, I feel angry and I see how much of a block it is to being able to practise such spirituality. The thing is I do feel angry and I guess I need to let it out. I just don't know how to do that well. I have in the past raged and in my rage I can be so destructive. I don't want to be destructive anymore.
So how do I vent my anger. I'm sharing about.
I'm angry that my dad left everything to his wife. I'm angry that he wouldn't allow me to be close with him in anyway and was actually just rude. I'm angry that he has cut me out for the past 11 and a bit years. I am angry so won't even allow it to move towards 12 years.
I'm angry that he bothered to keep in contact and I'm also confused about this. I'm angry that he more than likely (but I don't know for certain) told T, his wife a whole host of untruths about everything including my mum and me too. How fucking dare he. I'm angry yet I don't know this for sure. And I'm angry about that too.
I'm angry as I'm discovering that all these years I've known him to be a liar but I've been too afraid to challenge that. I'm angry that my mum did nothing about it. As someone said denial perhaps and how strong denial can be. I'm angry that she might have been in denial as I've always thought her more together than that. Perhaps I was just hopeful. And I'm angry that she might have known more about the way my dad was towards me but did nothing at all about it. I'm fucking furious about that because it's taught me that it was actually the right way to be treated.
I'm angry that I'm so bloody well controlled by other people. I'm angry that within that I'm compliant yet rebellious and resentful inside. Or I desperately attempt to control and can't even see yet how that manifests in me. I know that I can be secretive, dishonest, manipulative and flounder attempting to justify. Just today I didn't say that I didn't mean to share specific details but to share how a person feels about situations. And this person can sense my avoidance. That's it avoiding owning the reality which some of it this morning was not knowing what the reality for me actually was. So flipping infuriating.
I'm angry that my dad abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. And I'm angry that at times I question whether that's even true. It was true for me! I'm angry that my dad was never made answerable for that. There is justice at a higher level. I need to trust that.
I'm angry that he disinherited me and discredited me and this I do know as he's openly belittled me for as long as I can remember. And in my anger I'm prepared to discredit him. I am bloody deliriously happy that other people know he was a liar. It's vindicating. So other people knew too. Someone asked me why I'm not angry with them for doing nothing all these years. I was angry. I didn't understand how people could stand by and not do a thing about it. But denial is easier. I am concerned that the little girl opposite me has been abused in some way by her father. He was odd and now isn't around thank goodness. I felt so uncomfortable with him. A would scream oddly at times and behave outrageously. He asked me to take her under my wing. Yuch! And yet did I do anything? NO. It's quite a frightening thing to do. But we as adults are these days told we are all responsible for the safeguarding of children. And there was nothing like this when I was younger. People turn a blind eye. What goes on behind closed doors is no one else's business. I'm not angry with those people anymore. What could they do with their own uncertainty?
I'm angry though. I'm bloody angry.
And then I'm angry with me. I'm afraid of people. I'm in the grips of power of it. Powerless over people, places and things. And yet I give people so much power. They have control over me and I am furious about it. It's not them. Well they have their part. If everyone was simply loving and giving - apart from boring - things would be easier. I am sick and tired of giving my power to people. I don't know how to alter this but I am seeing it more clearly.
On Wednesday I met with PW, a friend of my fathers from the HAC. I had always believed because my dad implied it, that they had served together in Korea. No. It turns out they met when my dad was in the HAC. My dad was a sergeant apparently with MT (motor transport). Basically I've discovered what I always thought, that my dad was an oik. He tried to be something else. He was a snob. My mum was but at least she admitted it. I am a snob too but a lot more covert. I want to be from wealth and graciousness. Why? It's crazy, because others seem to respect money and status and power.
PW told me an endless stream of his adventures in life. Surviving Cancer in his 50's, a scholarship to Brentwood. But at 14 years old he joined the army. He joined within education and so when in Korea he was a correspondent. My dad implied that PW didn't see the raw end. But he landed in the Battle of the Hook. And having read about that briefly as with all wars, it was devastated with casualties.
PW and JH are uncertain about my dad's honesty. They are questioning the medals my dad has actually worn. PW said that they think he wore medals he wasn't entitled to wear. PW wanted my permission to explore this further. As we talked and talked, he said we really clicked. I told him that my dad sexually abused me. He was sad for me but was neither shocked nor surprised and said this. He told me that my dad was the randiest man he had ever met. I feel it in my female areas as I write it. It disgusts me to know it yet is also a relief. People are not disbelieving m. I told my second cousin LW last Friday. She was sad for me having asked why I thought the relationship between my dad and I was so awful. hey apparently had wondered as a family for some time why it was like it was. I told her. The sexual abuse of course gets the reaction but really it was the emotional ad mental abuse that;s just if not more destructive. I thought I was the problem for as along as I can remember. That has had a devastating impact on my life. Yes I am sorry for the behaviours that I brought to my parents' door. But frankly there are situations from childhood that have contributed to my inability to fully function effectively. I have had little or no self esteem. I do recall in my 20's thinking I was indestructible yet feeling so worthless. I was unworthy of a relationship I would have liked instead accepting crumbs. Always! Still do.
I am so angry about this. But how do I release this anger? It feels like an energy that is bursting out of me. Yet I don't know how to let it out. Sometimes it simply phut phut's out. Other times it roars out of me. Addictive behaviours have been ways of expelling anger. Dramatic reactions another. And some addictive behaviours I think are closely associated with things that happened in the past. FUCKING HELL!
So now do I contest the will? I think I need to. It's about the money but it's also about the principle of it all. He completely denied the past. I suspect he had to to cover his lies in the past years with T. But it is pure speculation on my part. And infuriating that I can't get the truth out there. Having it publicised in court is quite a cathartic idea. I've feigned difficulty with the idea. I believed it at the time but actually the difficulty is the entire situation, even my discomfort with it being about the money to any extent at all. I feel guilty and thieving; my dad's thoughts about me. He always said I would steal the bricks of the house if I could. He thought I was a taker. I probably am but it's not all I am. I'm very caring and giving. I like people and I care about people. I am a trier even if I don;t attain the top. I achieve as best as I can and that's good enough. My dad didn't have any self respect so he was never ever going to have any respect in mediocre me. He was less than mediocre as a man so had to fabricate his status as a hero. I wanted him to be the hero he said he was. He instilled in me the belief that high achievers and high status was the only thing worthwhile. And of course money and medals and things like that were the evidence. Poor him, never ever feeling good enough and more than likely right to his bitter end. And I was a disappointment to him.
He called me and said I love you and wish you the best for the  future. Did he really? Was anything he said or did believable. There must have been some truth in there somewhere.
And then G arrives here in his grumpy mood and snaps at me when I speak about how I'm feeling and thinking as meaning  nothing. Fuck off then. Take your constant grumpy mood away. I'm tired of people. Tired of being bloody well scared and controlled. I am not happy with this situation. And whilst I try to be acceptant there are beginning to more things that are dissatisfactory than not. A magnificent man, nice, intelligent, interesting, quick witted, amusing, passionate about birds and flowers and such like and some people. But there are behaviours and attitudes too that are completely horrible. I am tired of it. I need space and a break. How do I do this? Well however he reacts is up to him. He dog sits soon. But I want space and time before then. Maybe that;s all it is, me wanting some space and time. I am tired of being criticised based on his issues. I'm tired of being accused for things I do not do. I'm tired of being controlled i.e. not being able to have my friends arrive when I want or go out when I want. Is that selfish? Perhaps it is but it's how it is for me. And I'm tired of his mess. He's done some lovely things.
He owes me money and it's funny that as he might get some money he is getting grumpier and probably working towards an exit left. Apparently the left hand side of the stage is bad luck or something. However, I can't find anything on a first look on the Internet. Anyway I am using it in that context, meaning linked with nastiness or resentment and all words that could be associated with this.
So if people don't like me then simply fuck off. What's the point of badness hanging around. There are plenty of people with whom there is no badness overall. Perhaps if I was living with them in my life to the same scare the badness would always become more significant for me. I am demanding and want to simply be more accepting. I think transience can make acceptance easier. Perhaps?

So how am I going to practise giving profuse thanks for T's inheritance from my dad?Especially when I feel so angry. It's almost as if by giving profuse thanks I let go of it completely. And yet the idea is that being profusely thankful I receive in heaps and bounds. It would be releasing. Please God help me to be profusely thankful for T's windfall. Please can I have a windfall as well somehow?
What would I do with it? Well my dad's message would be that I will fritter it away on some fucking idiot. So what if I did? Is that so wrong? It was in his bigoted opinion. PW agreed with me when I called him a bigot. And PW married a Chinese lady. How international PW seemed. But I saw him get quite angry and pompous with a lady behind the bar when he couldn't get the life. His ego rose sharply to the surface. He also spent nigh on 5 hours talking about himself. Interesting. Yet there were moments of humble acts he talked about. If he was truly humble I don; think he would tell me about his decision to leave money anonymously to Brentwood. And I was aware how important money and status was for him too. He talked about it all the way through. He has a remarkably charmed life though and that was fascinating. I am profusely thankful for him although a little envious too. I'd like to have some of what he has. And I was horrified that as I sat there talking about how painful it has been to be disinherited by my father, he talked about disinheriting his own children. He talked about his daughter in a derogatory manner. I think he might have been more thoughtful about that but he wasn't to know how dreadful I feel as a result of my dad's constant castigation of me. It rubs off and I believe it.
I would like for this to lift. And so with a relapse on my food on Wednesday I am returning to Step One with a look at the ways in which I give power to people. I was so afraid to ask for the food I needed to remain abstinent and as a result I ate bread! I couldn't ask for veg and salad. How alarming it is to realise that I would not organise my food in fear of showing my ignorance and not asking for what I wanted. I was able to say that I didn't want the whisky and water PW had bought me in error after I asked for a sparkling water. But I wasn't able to ask for the food I needed.
So a relapse. I'm off the AWOL and that's not such a bad thing as I have now joined one on a Thursday evening at 9pm. It's quite late but there are benefits - a UK mobile number, a gentle co-leader who I like how she seems. I will have my whole Sunday for study and relaxation without guilt of being o the AWOL or having not to be on the AWOL. Plus I will not have to listen to B and take inventory of her controlling manner. Back to Step One and an opportunity to look at this powerlessness of people. And the unmanageability when I comply and be open to look at the controlling as well.
Today I was affected having yesterday raised an issue in connection with safeguarding children. I hadn't raised the alarm myself from a 1:1 but my error was not being specific on advising the client to talk about her feelings and the impact on her of a alcoholic in her life. As a result PD wanted to raise the confidentiality issue when concerned about children. I felt bad about not having thought to raise the issue, so criticised without being criticised actually. So I react with the client and she has reacted badly to that. Consequently PD is annoyed that she might leave. The consultant is annoyed that I frightened her. But worse than all of that she is disappointed, angry and has had her trust in me broken. I feel sad and have let her down. I don't like that. Partly because I want to be a party to a persons well-being, not create more pain. But also because I want to be liked and get things right. That's the bit I want to drop as it creates all sorts of unnecessary behaviours and attitude. Please God help me, show me what I need to do and how I need to be. It's a bit of a shove for the ego too as I was beginning to believe in my own hype as a good therapist, even better than therapist! And clearly I'm not. I'm human like all the rest.
I know I do my best. I'm currently hurting slightly. It will pass and I don't want to hang onto it for too long. It can be washing over me so entirely that I think I am a terrible therapist and person. I take it to extremes. So it would be good to keep this in balance.
Another thing I've done is let the clients go early. There was little left to do. We had questions and answers, we had a check out and a farewell and that was it. I'm now worried that there will repercussions. I stayed until 5 myself but hey ho! I will own it with PD and see what happens.
I mess up a lot really. I am a bit all over the place right now. It's not okay but it's not intentional either.
I would like some time out but it's not possible.
So I'm not going to Oxford Brookes for a day with the OU tomorrow when I thought I was. Instead I'll go to London on 27th April. I will miss any snow that might have dropped on Oxford tomorrow, save petrol and give myself some catch up study time. I have 3 days to really pour some work in. Sod moody G.

I think that's all I have to write at this moment

Angrily yet somewhat centred and calm surprisingly,
Bliss
XX












 

Ever really really felt incredulous?

I keep having this feeling of utter incredulity. There is a sense of something washing over me as if there's something lurking in the depths of my brain and then it comes to the fore.
This is as a result of the reading of my fathers will yesterday.
I arrived at the solicitors with G and was met with the usual frosty reception that only T can give. She is a mean-hearted woman I think. She refused to allow G to come into the reading. I complained but the solicitor explained that as T was the executor of the will (gasp and horror!) she had the right to say who could and could not attend. So I had to comply and G had to wait outside. I said "thanks for nothing". I could not keep that bit of my thought quiet. Anyhow I'm no saint.
The solicitor said there was nothing to read as my father had left EVERYTHING to his wife.
EVERYTHING!!!!
There was not even a mention of my name. There was then the business for the solicitor to sort out with T and so I left.
I am incredulous. And it is taking some time to truly sink in.
I somewhat expected it but didn't really believe my expectation could possibly be real. It is unbelievable.
The man who has treated me so horribly for as long as I can remember. The man who created hell for my mum. The man who sexually abused me. The man who phoned me around Christmas saying "I love you and wish you well for the future". The man who has kept in contact at least occasionally over the past 11 and a half years.
I am very very confused. I do not understand why he bothered. But this is based on me believing that my dad hated me. I cannot seperate it out from anything personal as I truly believe he would have thought it was personal. I know intellectually it's not personal. Forgive them for they know not what they do. Wasn't that what Jesus was reported to say as he was condemned to the cross until his death.
I can forgive my father at that level and I can forgive myself for my own bad behaviours in the same vain. I did not have control and now I am more spiritually learned I can see clearer. I still have a lot of blame and anger towards my father but when I stop to take another look at it, I have caused a lot of grief in the past for a number of people. My parents got the brunt of it I suppose.
And there it is again that sudden wash over of incredulity. It is such a horrid feeling.
There's a little of me that thinks nooooo this hasn't actually happened and it's all going to be sorted out. But it's not. T gets the lot and when she dies her daughters will get what's left. And I doubt she has long in actual fact. She looks very unwell but not as pathetically ill as she was looking when my dad was dying.
My father is dead. And he disinherited me. My poor mum. He earnt money and worked hard for it but it was my mum who really made the money work for them. And he didn't consider me at all. I guess he really did not think I was worthy of him or his money.
How incredibly strange, hurtful, mean, and as PD said despicable. G called him a f....ing c u next Tuesday. I am angry and also not so angry. I am upset. I am disappointed as I really did have ideas for spending the money to create some security for myself.
I felt so greedy thinking that way. There was a part of me that kept in contact with him to inherit. What a waste of all the hurt and pain that was but if I hadn't I would never have known.
There's a lot more I could write. But actually I feel tired. I have emoted through self pity, anger, fury, confusion, emotional hurt, disbelief, bemusement, shock, but not surprised. Oh and more.

I really have to go to bed. I'm so very tired.
G has been yet again a rock even when he says he is not. He's been a lot more relaxed since I have been less demanding and more acceptant about him being who he is and choosing who he wants to be friends.
I feel very blessed. I have no money but wow I have such wealth in many other ways.
It's time to leave the dreary though. That's something else to write about at another time
Bliss
XXX

Written on 3rd Feb 2013

My dad died last night. I am relieved for him. I think yesterday was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Being in the house all afternoon and early evening with his wife and daughters. I experienced so much pain. It's as if I didn't exist. It's as if the whole life before them didn't exist. Of course for them his previous life didn't. But I am so sensitive to the way in which that was dealt with. I have string negative feelings towards his wife and youngest daughter. The eldest has been thoughtful and supportive. Such a noticeable difference if kindness and selflessness. I've practiced grace because I do not want to be like these people have been. If we get a chance to speak I can explain more. Thank goodness someone was with me to witness it all otherwise I'd as usual think its me and in my Imagination. I am consumed with this bad feeling which if course is a distraction from the death of my dad. Great big layers of emotions and events on too if one another and intricately interwoven. It is seeming all too much. I feel as if I won't be able to cope. I feel as if I'm exploding with the complicity of the situation and the overwhelming feelings. I know I'll probably get through it - it just feels right now as if I can't. I hurt sooooo much! I can't even begin to put into words the strength of the hurt I feel. Loss of his life is strangely acceptable. What ice experience around this is just so flipping confusing. I don't really know what to do with myself. And this emotion attached to wanting to take possession of some items that I know she won't let me have. Wanting to have the previous years acknowledged which she won't. Some horrible things happened yesterday that leave me feeling so utterly helpless. List. Tossed aside. My entire 52 years is under question. It's so horrid. I don't like the strength of the feelings against her that I have. I don't like the feeling of desperately wanting to have these items. I don't like the feeling I have as I'm excluded like I barely exist. How on earth is it possible to deal with this. I'm an adult supposedly and I just wonder how children are supposed to cope with similar situations of divided families. No wonder there can be trauma, anxiety, and then behaviours that can be devastating for the child - and I'm only touching what i think about this. It seems a bloody cruel world. And what's it all about? Why so much meanness? People say he'll know now he's in spirit etc etc. But the damage is done. I have to pick my damage up and work through it myself. He was never going to help me and in his dying and death there has been even more. I feel baffled as to why its been so horrible. I don't think I deserve it at all. I wonder if the final slap will be in the will. And I feel do awful about myself for being so grabbing. It is another grating element with a nasty taste from me that I don't like. It goes over in my head with such a loathsome feeling towards myself. But I just can't let go. I am truly wanting all this to pass because I don't feel as if I can survive it right now. Today I'll go to see him in the chapel -

Comport with dignity continued

JB suggested I had comported myself with dignity as I described the funeral to him.
As I drove G and I towards the church having left the pub later than intended, I saw the hearse approaching. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" was all that was coming out of my mouth. I sort of laughed too, arriving late or just on the cusp of lateness. How that would have infuriated my dad. But also I didn't want T and her daughters to have something over me or get there and have all the limelight. That's not very dignified in language or attitude now is it. Anyway I pulled over thrusting the responsibility of the car into G's hands and legged it down the road as the hearse was slightly delayed trying to park. I was able to casually walk along beside T's car (my dads car too).
Actually I'm awake during the early hours riddled with thoughts of not studying, not having got my FDAP thing done and thinking about the inheritance I believe I should get and probably won't. It's eating at me. I really need to find a way to step aside from the negative projection and the attachment - it links strongly with my mum and wanting to have things, clawing her back.
Anyway, T was too distraught after all to follow the coffin in and went in with her daughters holding her up. I went in too. And I decided to sit in the front row on the same side as them. I considered sitting on the opposite side but somehow it didn't feel right to me.
So there was D (eldest), T, D (youngest) then me, A, K and D's (youngest) husband. At the seating point D (eldest) asked if I'd move along to allow the husband to sit next to his wife. I just looked surprised and D backed down. She wasn't being horrible but realised what she was asking.
As I was sitting there I started to shake. I could not control it. I tried to stop it but couldn't. A moved in closer to me which was helpful to feel her but I still couldn't stop. I was conscious of everyone behind me, actually G was behind me and the entire row was made up of P, R, M, G, G, and then there was JB and his partner J. I looked behind a couple of times to see if I could see J and S. At the end they were there. I didn't really notice anyone. It's odd.
Anyway eventually I managed to meditate and that helped. The shaking stopped.
All the way through the service I found it strange how much the vicar seemed to be looking directly at me. There were intense, long looks. I have an inclination to phone him. He said that my dad was a very private man. G had leaned across and pointedly said to the vicar "And I'd like to introduce you to Pamela, his daughter!", when the vicar was speaking with T. The vicar said "we have net" but I am pretty certain he hadn't realised I was my dads daughter as T had introduced him to everyone else in the room as my dad was lying there dying but not me. D (eldest) introduced me but when it came to saying the part "J's daughter", T was already talking over her. I am pretty certain he didn't hear.
Anyway so the vicar looked at me a lot. This was noticed by G A and M. G thought it was sinister. I thought he was looking deeply at me. I would like to know from him if I was imagining it but I don't think so as others noticed it too.
So the service was brief. I was horrified that T had the service booklet printed with J B R when his name was B J R. And the same on the plaque on the coffin. Did he not tell her the truth? Or was this her being controlling again? Who knows?
At the grave side T and J came over and then E and M. J and S were there. Of course this was all after the coffin had been lowered. The vicar said to T, I've done all I can here now T. M noticed this too and it did seem a strange thing to say. He seemed to leave awkwardly. But he held my hand. I just think there's something in it. Or maybe I'm looking for something. I want to be noticed. I want there to be something more than just being excluded again. It was always like that with my dad and then always like that with me, needing something just a little bit more to be considered less than nothing.
I gave PW just the biggest hug. I don't really remember him but thank goodness he had known me as a child. There is something quite special about that man though. I spoke with him on Saturday and he really has a spiritual feel to him. He's invited to meet me for lunch in March. He has an op on Tuesday and I so hope he makes it through. A because I want to have a connection with him, due to this amazing feel I have for him and B because I am hoping he can tell me more about my dad in Korea. Why he received the presidents citation from the horses mouth as so to speak rather than Wikipedia. He was there with my dad in Korea. I wonder if he can tell me about my dad being captured and being in a POW camp. How did that happen? How did he get out?
Anyway I was introduced to a retired policeman BD by JB, I introduced him to my surrogate mother G. I'm not sure she would have appreciated being my surrogate mum.
Then we went to the United Reformed church where T had laid on tea and cakes. It was there that I learnt from A that M had a funny experience at the grave-side. As T had started to turn around, G, R and A started to back away. M had been standing with them, not noticing they had shuffled off to avoid having contact with T, M was left there alone, face to face with T as she was saying"who are all these women?", to which M said friends of P's. I found it amusing for poor M, being left there to carry the can. M felt very sad for T. It grates a bit. But I feel sadness and compassion for her too when I put aside my resentment and anger. I am practising putting that aside and my jealousy too. I feel possessive and cannot get my claws into anything to possess. Everything I've tried over these past 11 years has failed miserably as my dad would not let me. Things we would usually have laughed about together, he just didn't. It was most disconcerting. I had no power over my dad at all and it seems as if she had it all. His anger was one thing but I think he caved in to her.
I wanted T to see J and S and not confuse them as one of my friends, but people from the past with my mum. It amused me that they were late. That was one of the things that infuriated my dad about the F's. I wanted her to know there were people there from the past that her cousin L says she so didn't want to acknowledge. No wonder there monologues about not stopping my father. I think she possibly did the opposite to what she has insisted. In her monologue down the phone when G was sitting there, she repeatedly said that she had never stopped my dad from seeing me, in fact suggested regularly that he invite me there for something to eat etc. She said she had never said a bad word against me except about never sending cards for birthdays or Christmas. She said it was my dads choice. The way she has gone on and on about that on the couple of occasions there has been contact with her makes me think she insists too much. Anyhow I get the impression that my dad was flimsy under her influence. It's strange really. But I also wonder if the previous years with my mum were like that. There was the angry stubborn side of him but also the compliant side to him, keeping so much simmering in anger close to the surface. He was generally an angry man. I am not surprised, his military training and experiences drawn from his angst of younger years and augmenting the levels of anger. What he had to endure would surely mess up the brain wiring!
Nonetheless it was horrid being on the receiving end of all the mixed up messages.
So at the reception I think I was dignified. I chatted with people and enjoyed very much the little table in the middle where my mum was being discussed, her great parties. I was a bit flittish, mixing here and mixing there, never really hearing a complete discussion through with anyone. I was aware of the attention G was paying A. I asked him if he was flirting with her. He has a real affinity for her he says because of the drinking. A herself said how awkward she was feeling, not able to socialise easily. I had the same issue. I have no idea how to network the room and socially chit and chat. And A didn't have her alcohol crutch either because she would know that she might be inappropriately drunk but without awkward and craving even more. I recognise that pattern.
I am surprised I didn't share about that on Friday at the AA meeting, when talking about getting through the ordeal of a week. It's details like that that I seem to forget. I need t cancel the chair at H Sunday meeting I've been asked to do. I accepted it knowing that D (of G) sometimes goes. It would not be appropriate of me at all. I know that would piss G off. Mind if we're not together I couldn't care less what he thought then out of anger. But if I want to continue to comport with dignity I would consider his thoughts in this.
After all he accused me of being selfish. I asked what he meant and he said I probably wasn't he was just sounding off.
"it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Macbeth act V

So I stayed right until the end. I was seen to be taking L's telephone number, T's cousin, who with a lot of confusion for me has deposited stories about T. Her claim that she is disgusted with the way I have been treated was a sort of buy in to the gossip. I learnt that T's mother died when she was 12. She was then passed from pillar to post. Apparently L's family were going to adopt her but she was a disagreeable little girl they decided not to. It seems she has always been unlikeable. I wonder how my dad put up with it. He made his bed and knowing him he would silently suffer publicly but I wonder how we was in private with her. i am certain I saw fear in her at times. But I think they were probably as bad as each other. I wonder what his soul would have made of what was created by them together.
As everyone I knew was leaving I asked JB and J if they would give G and I a lift back to the car which we had left at the church. I don't know why G wanted to leave it there. He wanted to walk and I think it was something to do with worrying about parking. I think as well he thought the United Reform church was nearer than it was. We travelled down with K and P.
Oh something K told me was that D (ex husband) had now separated from his new wife. Something not so dignified was that I sent him a text yesterday. It was intentional. I was resisting when G and I were all OK but could no longer resist after G walked out and I was preparing myself to go to a big family do in Kent. D wasn't the playful sort on texts though. And he never follows through saying he was going to meet up with me. That's not hooky enough to make it worthwhile plus I turn that into being turned down and unattractive. See how my dignity is non-existent in such circumstances. The thinking is screwed up.
K and P - it was lovely that K wanted to be there. Her partner P knew no one and yet trundled along with it all. I am concerned for K. I mentioned to M that I noticed him looking at me a lot. And M said that she was wary when talking with him, worried that K might think there was flirting going on. I am not sure if I thought he was attractive or not but I don't think he's so into K as she is him. She is such an attractive woman physically but to me once she starts I feel controlled and feel her neediness too. She is besotted with L her son and actually quite controlling over S her daughter. I sent a text to S yesterday too. Her text back suggests there is an issue between her and her mum. I am concerned for S. I think she is having a troubled time with drink and behaviour. It's a wild guess. I am concerned that there was something sinister about her friends father and friend always going out with the girls. I hope nothing has happened in a drunken state and she does drink heavily and is vivacious. I am disgusted by those old men loitering with the young girls. It is not usual.
Anyway G and I then travelled home. G was a rock.
The next morning when showering it was no longer about me and I started thinking about what each person had experienced. There were so many little stories within the blanket story of the funeral. it was farcical really when digging under the surface. It's such a dynamic between people. And I do wonder what all the negativity is all about really. What is the purpose of that? Why can't we all be loving and kind and gentle. I do not find T kind and gentle at all despite her sort of whimpering way, a tilt of her head and big moo cow eyes as G describes them. It comes across as pathetic to me. Annoying even. I am certain that's loaded with my resentment and jealousy and hurt too. I was pushed out of my dads life.
I had my part of course. I wasn't going to like her fro the start and learning that they were dating in 2001 added to my distaste of her. I always suspected and loudly announced my dad to be having an affair prior to my mums death. But to have her say they were dating even if it was after it was too bloody close to be considered decent. It suggests to me that my dad couldn't wait to be shot of my mum. Was it really like that? Had it all be a lie?
I was a nightmare, behaviours, financially, deceitful, pissed my dad off with the choices of men and the number of them. All of those things added to his disdain of me. He and I fought. We had for many years and that I don't think started with me. I was being me, a kid. Ad it didn't fit in with him at all. Nothing I could do was right and so under starters orders the problem was there. My dad was an incredibly intolerant man. I understand where some of it came from but that doesn't make it okay.
And I then compounded it. Not wanting contact for a lot of the time during the 11 years didn't help the relationship but I don't think that bothered him much. It will have painted a picture to T perhaps but it surely suited her too. If she didn't want to acknowledge he had a past they had this blissful nowness and when I did contact it would probably been a rude interference and awakening. They would probably be able to create a web of what they wanted to believe, after all we all do that. We see things, our version, our perception and unless incredibly self-aware it is nigh on impossible to see things as ones own perception and there possibly being other versions. They would have believed their spin.
So the practise for me is ton continually step aside from the resentment, anger, fear and jealousy. I want to possess things from my dad and I want money. I want to be suddenly financially secure. I doubt that will happen. I want £250k minimum. I barely expecting £15 to £30k I don't really even expect that to happen. It infuriates me as that's my mums money too. But she died over 11 years ago now and it became my dads. I really am having trouble letting go of that. However, it's the last hurdle and I guess I can't help projecting and having the emotions associated with that. I just have to keep acknowledging them and moving away from them in the same way as moving away from a food thought. It's not easy but there are lots of FA people and friends I can talk about it with. I wonder if sometimes I am just suppressing. But hey ho! I am doing my best. And that's a darn sight better than it has been. Thank goodness I am in recovery because I am pretty certain I wouldn't have even been able to manage with the decorum I have mustered thus far.
Please Universe, take way my resentment, greed and jealousy. Please remove my fear and replace this with trust that all will be okay whatever happens.
I want to go off and follow a lifelong dream to experience living in the Far East. Whether for a while or forever it's always been there as a desire. Please provide me with the courage. My greatest fear is not having the money to have a roof over my head or for food at the time or into the future of old age. I am not convinced I will make old bones anyway but the idea of a poverty stricken old age abhors me. Yet what am I thinking money will buy anyway. It's the idea of being restricted of doing things. I want the bigger world and don't like the smaller world. And yet I could be content with meditation and looking around me. Something wider world is shouting shouting shouting at me. It always has.
So what do you think have I been dignified and graceful. I think on the outside I am closer to that. On the inside I want that. I want to have gracious thoughts but they are speckled with nasties.
Gosh I woke up at 2 am and now it's 4 am. I wake up to get ready at 5 am.
I have heard a car start up. Who on earth gets up and travels at this time?
I want to have a look. It was S the taxi man
Saturday evening after the AA meeting, with no contact other than a text earlier from G, the rage manifested itself by entering SL and contacting DD. I slipped into the M/s bit immediately and masturbated thinking of him. This is the first time I've thought of someone else in this way and the first time I've masturbated I believe since being with G. Is this the beginning of the real end? DD wanted pics of me on all fours. I said I would but I won't. I nearly would but I just do not want to engage with it all again. Over recent weeks I've had more of a pull and that's not the first time I've briefly entered SL. It could be the rage and wanting to act out sexually. I wonder too having re-entered FB for a short while whether it's also avoidance of studying. I'm not sure I'm ever going to complete this degree. All this stuff with my dad being ill, the funeral and joining PD in his new venture - all drains of my resources. I have no energy to do the reading. And then there is the unfinished accreditation. I will have to say to PD that I need to re-send it and this last few days I have been struggling. I will try and get it all together this week to send by next week. That's what I will tell him. And in the meantime I need to read and study.
 I Love G but I'm not in love with him. I feel disappointed that yet again he became moody and walked out. I think he's unreasonable about his dislike of M. He has a reason from way back he can't even remember. He does not want to meet her and told me she was controlling although I was arranging with her a time to visit. He's controlling. He doesn't like her so doesn't want me to have anything to do with her, even suggesting I should choose my friends more wisely. Gosh! Reminiscent of the times when my dad would cause a fuss about my mums friends. There was no freedom for my mum just to invite people around spontaneously. I don't think this is okay. But there is also accepting G as he is. On this matter we are very different. He is not sociable and openly admits to not liking people. But really I wonder if it's him he doesn't like, similar to my dad perhaps?
Anyway having walked out and therefore me not being able to help with his car and him not coming to the family do yesterday and more me not being a part of him getting his new car all feels horrid. I want to help G, but I do and have. He owes me £240 which I am trying to write-off in my head but I will raise it with him. I will ask if in his mind the work of putting in the shower was some sort of contribution towards the debt? If it is I will try to accept it but I hadn't been wanting a shower that badly. It's nice to have and I use it ALL the time now. But even so I wasn't aware that it was a part of the pay off it that's what it was. That all should have been discussed as I am still waiting for my £240. And now he's sold the care to the tip for £107. What a waste of time. And there was a question in my mind as to whether G had done it himself as nothing like that has happened here before. So very strange. And he had all sorts of conspiracies that seemed very odd.
Anyway the family do. It was filled with all Auntie O's and Uncles R's friends. And family too. I think I got to speak with everyone and was polite and friendly. I am not over keen on any of them. I have strong feelings for the 3 girls. And I missed L's presence. Of all the cousins I think I liked her the most. I think A is troubled and gosh like me she holds so much resentment but for her its with her mum. She is having difficulty accepting and forgiving her mum as I do my dad. We had a chat. There is a wanting in me for A to want to be with me but she doesn't. S is a nice man, her husband. They all have a niceness to them but there is an edge too. It's there. I think probably less so with Uncle G and Auntie M. But G is most certainly an addict. His girlfriend looked as if she had a serious problem herself. They looked and smelt rough. J always looks to me as if there is a side to her, calculating but L just seems generally nice. J and N also don't seem to be bad people.
I sat with L. She is okay really. None of them are my cuppa tea really. But I was there. It's nice to connect with family. It's a sort of belonging and they do make me feel welcome mainly. I feel uncomfortable trying to socialise. I'm not great at it. I did like Uncle R's niece and she was interested in FA. I will call her in the week and send her details by email. If she wants to meet up at the meeting I would gladly do that. I think Essex to London Bridge is easy.
And then afterwards I went back to Auntie O's. She was tearful. Uncle R told her to stop it. This was after the girls and M had gone. I noticed M is on the phone texting a lot so wasn't surprised when I enquire whether he'd met anyone and Auntie O said she thinks there is someone called S. It is soon but I suppose he's dealing with his grief the best way he knows how. And having 3 girls can't be that easy. They are lively. E is interesting. I am always intrigued by children who are not shy and have facial expressions and things. I think at 11 I was not so bold as she. I was shy and retiring. Of course I'm sure I wasn't when at ease. But I was scared of adults and wouldn't dare to be me. I loved that she was so comfortable despite losing her mum when so young. Those girls have a lot of emotions to work through. I hope they are being encouraged. I think D tends to be inward. She probably always was but I hope she has outlets that are healthy and being shown how to emote rather than suck in and isolate with it. I am projecting of course from my own experiences even though the circumstances are totally different.
Well it's now 4:32. I will be awake to get ready in half an hour. Perhaps I will lie down in bed for that half hour and see what happens. I feel wide awake but maybe I'll doze and then bloody hell I hope I don't over sleep.
I liked it when talking about K's sleep over and they stayed up all night, E said it was an "over". She is quite quirky.


Bliss
XXXX







 

Comport with Dignity

Well today, although internally terrified, I sent a letter recorded delivery to T. It was a card actually.

It said

Dear Theresa,

Firstly I would like to say thank you for organising father’s funeral service. It was a lovely service and appreciated by all. I would also like to thank you personally for the support you were able to give father over the past few months as his illness progressed.

Secondly I would like to be present when his will is read. I am aware that you may not know my address and I therefore give the details as follows;

Pamela A Roberts, 6 blah blah blah  My telephone number is xxxxx xxxxxx.

I would appreciate it if you forward these details to your solicitor and ask him to either write or telephone me as soon as possible informing me of the date and venue for the reading of the will. You will appreciate that I need to book the time of work and arrange the work diary to suit.

Once again, thanks you for organising the funeral and for being there for father in his last days

 

So what do you think?

.... I have more to write about the comporting but right now have to get off towards Kent (alone - as G walked out again)

Yep over the last two to three days there is so much to say. My life is never boring I can honestly say that.

 

I will continue with the comporting. I'd appreciate any views on the letter as I am pooping myself when she gets it. But there's fathers voice again ... I've done something wrong, a money grabber etc etc. I know he thought I was always taking and to be fair to hi at times that's what I did. I walked away from houses and lost fortunes. I have never been responsible with money and material things. It's odd. And yet I WANT!

So he may have even primed her for me wanting things. I want things that were my mums and his to have - it's sort of part of the holding on to them both. I feel lost without them oddly and I want some worldy things to have them close. And yet I know deep down those things are not them at all. And also there are some things I like but they are then just more clutter. I'd like the painting and I'd like the ivory peacock. I used to play with it. AND I'd love my dads medals. They were his pride and joy and he was a good solider by all accounts. A proper soldier JH said. And PW told me that my dad experienced some horrible things.

More to be written on these events over these last few days and another flipping adventure to be had today visiting my family for my Auntie O's birthday.

On the way I will call RW and say how sorry I am for the loss of his father. And even worse I didn't know for months. My dad didn't tell me. I would have been at the funeral but of course my dad would want to keep me away from T or she keep him away from me. It's so flipping hurtful and difficult not to take personally. Bless them both God. I pray for them both. only You know what is best for them and for me.

Bliss

XX

 

He can't tell me off - Day 4

 I didn't write this as I was thinking it so trying to write it retrospectively.


Day 4 after my dad died was Wed/Thurs. And I was realising that he can no longer tell me off. When I went to see his body at the undertakers, I felt he was going to jump up and tell me off. I thought he'd say get this bloody idiot out of here, referring to G. And then I took a photo of his dead body and he would have gone ballistic at something like that. My dad had a real fear of death and bodies. I'd like to know why considering he must have seen many bodies in his military days. He fought in Korea attached to the Gloucester's. I read a little about the Presidents Citation which my dad has. The little British battalion received this medal.
From Wikipedia ...
"The 1st. Battalion, Gloucestershire Regiment, British Army and Troop C. 170th Independent Mortar Battery, Royal Artillery, attached, were cited for exceptionally outstanding performance of duty and extraordinary heroism in action against the armed enemy near Solma-ri, Korea on the 23rd, 24th, and 25 April 1951. The 1st. Battalion and Troop C were defending a very critical sector of the battle front during a determined attack by the enemy. The defending units were overwhelmingly outnumbered. The 63rd Chinese Communist Army drove the full force of its savage assault at the positions held by the 1st Battalion, Gloucestershire Regiment and attached unit. The route of supply ran southeast from the Battalion between two hills. The hills dominated the surrounding terrain northwest to Imjin River. Enemy pressure built up on the battalion front during the day, 23 April. On 24 April, the weight of the attack had driven the right flank of the battalion back. The pressure grew heavier and heavier and the battalion and attached unit were forced into a perimeter defence on Hill 235. During the night, heavy enemy forces had by-passed the staunch defenders and closed all avenues of escape. The courageous soldiers of the battalion and attached unit were holding the critical route selected by the enemy for one column of the general offensive designed to encircle and destroy I Corps. These gallant soldiers would not retreat. As they were compressed tighter and tighter in their perimeter defence, they called for close-in air strikes to assist in holding firm. Completely surrounded by tremendous numbers, these indomitable, resolute, and tenacious soldiers fought back with unsurpassed fortitude and courage. As ammunition ran low and the advancing hordes moved closer and closer, these splendid soldiers fought back viciously to prevent the enemy from overrunning the position and moving rapidly on the south. Their heroic stand provided the critically needed time to regroup other I Corps units and block the southern advance of the enemy. Time and again efforts were made to reach the battalion, but the enemy strength blocked each effort. Without thought of defeat or surrender, this heroic force demonstrated superb battlefield courage and discipline. Every yard of ground they surrendered was covered with enemy dead until the last gallant soldier of the fighting battalion was overpowered by the final surge of the enemy masses."
I'm hoping I'll get to know more when I meet with PW in March. I truly hope his complicated uncomplicated op on Tuesday goes smoothly. He is such a lovely man. ^ foot and a lot more. He is just smiles and warmth. I loved the talk we had on the phone on Saturday. And when he invited me to lunch in March I was thrilled.
Anyway. Who thinks I'm just really off my rocker for taking the photo? I really think it's a peculiar thing to have done but I am glad I have it too.
I want to post it here but I think that would be just a step too far. Funnily though as I got into my car, there in the window of the charity shop next door was a skeleton. I couldn't resist. It was a bit of a mockery really. But finny too. I won't post that either out of respect for my dad.
So I keep realising that he can no longer reinforce the messages that I am worthless. How would he do that? Well it would be in his tone of intolerance or he would say something that would put me down. I remember at my mums funeral he said something derogatory about my hair, such as "you could have done your hair for this at least". And his last telling off was yet more ridicule and minimising my position with him. He didn't want me to encounter T at all and I've always read this as his negativity towards me, his dislike of me, which I take on board deeply. Well ever since a little girl I have not been good enough and therefore have learnt that I am worthless. I am just about kept hooked in with moments of laughter and so on. Fundamentally everyone else was compared as better. But when he was dismissing and deprecating someone else I would suddenly feel close and make that person the common enemy. I learnt that noone was good enough including me. He didn't like people but I have understood that as m,e personally is a piece of shit.
He cannot reinforce those messages so the repetition of them is merely in my head. Held deep in my belief system but I can perhaps start to make a distance from them and hear other messages too. I am more rounded than merely a problem. Even though T sort of reinforces it but I am learning that she is really not a well person.
So all I had to do at day 4 was get through the funeral and looking beyond that the Will. I think that will be my dads final slight of me. He has full power until that is over and done with.
I hear the reinforcement though in many people. And I am aware that because of my conditioning it was I expect. So it isn't the same situations and it isn't the same message necessarily but I hear it as that. As a consequence I try to cover up.
I am so ashamed that I have lied to PD about my accreditation document and of course that is coming up to bite me. I feel embarrassed at having lied that it was submitted before Christmas. I was initially ashamed that I hadn't done it and it would confirm the message that I am useless and lazy. He would be disappointed, no worse than that he would be disgusted with me. It's such a strong message.
My dad was disgusted with me all of my life. Nothing about me as acceptable. And that's what I think people will think. I lied to M about the shower. For some reason I was not comfortable with the fact that G was doing things for me, made me look dependent already or something so when she asked if G put the shower in for me I said no. And more than that I said I had paid the landlords. I think also I was embarrassed that I've just allowed it to be done without first seeking permission.
Oh what I have learnt is that it's just a methodical process of drawing water through pipes form the tank. I thought it was far more complex. I don't know why. Anything can be channelled anywhere from the source, including electricity. Amazing I had though everything was so impossible ad so experts were miracle workers. No one is so godly as I thought. The power I invest in people is diminishing. Is this with my dad dying or my Step 5, or what?
So perhaps there will be some more freedom with my dads death. It seems a horrible thought and disrespectful but there is a relief and a truth in it too.
It's a lifetime of difficulty. I feel very sad and at times still can't believe he's dead. I look at the photo and see my dad still there. It's so very strange. But he has left this world now.
Bliss
XX

 

Love when feeling hostility

I need to find love even though I belive the atmoshpere will be hostile. I am upset that T didn't call me during the day when things for my dad had taken a turn suddenly to be even worse.
I didn't finish writing this.
On Friday 1st Feb my dad took a turn for the worse. The evening before I had called T and said that I'd visit on Friday. She was rather dramatic but also reasonable I guess as she exclaimed that he'd only just arrived home and was very unsettled. She implored "please Pamela please". And so I decided to respect her wish. During the evening of Friday after I returned from my AA meeting, I had a message on my answer machine. With her rather dramatised tone (usual) it said You need to come and see your father. I learnt from D her eldest daughter that they had been there all afternoon and during that time he had been conscious at times.
I am so hurt by this act of unkindness as I see it. And especially having heard since then that T would not admit to people that my dad had had a past. I think she had a big part in keeping the divide between us. I am furious about this. But then I have to look at how much a part I had in keeping a distance. I didn't want contact at all at some stages. Months and months would go by without me contacting him.
I feel dreadful for this now of course. I need to be careful though as for some people no contact is absolutely the best thing.
The last words my dad had with me were angry. He was telling me off for speaking with the consultant too long. Yet he had given me permission to speak to the Dr and it was the Dr who was talking to me. He told me that there was Cancer but it was behind his rib cage and so they could not get to it to take a biopsy. He also said that it was my dads wish that he return home if the news was bad. As it was Cancer there was nothing they could do to treat him. He was too frail and couldn't take it. I wished I had said something to my dad. He probably didn't want to talk about it though and perhaps this was why he was angry and then feigned sleep. It was obviously an act because I've seen that before in him. He shut me down, didn't even say goodbye.
It hurts like hell!

I wanted to add that I am feeling love and compassion amidst the black thoughts and feelings. I have to keep turning to this when I am feeling the resentment. I want to let go of resentmnet and hurt. And it's been ironic that all through this dreadful period of time I have been writing my stpe 4. It's been difficult keeping the focus on my part. And to write about how I kept my distance and harboured hatred towards my dad and focused on the abusive past feeding my resentment towards hi, it kept the distance stronger. T is right I was not consistent in sending Christmas cards and birthday cards. If I hadn't been so riddled with my own anger then I would have done things differently. I know at some point I can make amends to my dad for this. I wonder if I'll remember. I wonder how to make amends when someone is dead. It's too frigging late. And it's making amends for my part only. The forgiveness for all the other things is a part of the process I'm not quite in yet. It's about my part only at the moment in the resentment and hatred. And jealousy too I wanted my dad all to myself but could never get it anyway. I need to share this with my sponsor.
Bliss
XX