28th Feb 2009 23.35
Having kept a jounral for many years now I thought I'd have a go at this blog thing. I don't expect anyone to read it. So I'm not certain why I am doing this. This sounds an incredibly boring start to my blogs. Anyway it is my thought, honest and open!
As I travelled to my OA meeting this morning I was semi engaged with the radio broadcast. It led me to thinking how I have been for many years now defined by my tragedy. As a young girl I was attracted to tragedy. My heroines being Sylvia Plath, Marilyn Monroe and similar tragic characters. Somehow there was a mystic about them that I adored and wanted for myself.
This concept, this realisation is new and so still forming and therefore difficult for me to articulate fully at this time. Mind you by tomorrow I will be having a completely new realisation and no doiubt on a very different tangent - this one will be discarded for the new toy!
Howecer for today ..... being dramatic, craving tragedy has been a lifetime of existing. And then because it wasn't attractive or rather what was going on in my family needed ot be "kept within these four walls", I think this is why I found ways to curb my desire for tragedy. I wonder if tragedy was my way of crying out to be noticed - "here, this is me!!!". Anyway, I discovered boys and hedonism. It was a sort of way of rebelling. At the time I was rebellious in a good two shoes kind of a way. I didn't really want to get caught so it was all out of sight of authority, my dad. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, as time went on the only way I could be hedonisitc or rather partying and out there in an extrovert sort of way was to be drunk and later drugs. These blocked my need for tragedy, I just wanted fun, fun, fun.
Phew I got it. It's been a pretty full life and experiences I hadn't thought I had wanted when I was little and wanting to be a ......... do you know I can't remember ever wanting to be an anything in particular????
Anyway I will leave this realisation room for development. Tragedy being a way of defining me, the only way for there to be any depth to me. So many external things define me. I like it though when I am just me - whoever and however that is??
I also want to claim my love for satirical comedy. Not that I am up to date on current affairs. I often get up to date through satirical shows such as The News Quiz today on Radio 4 hosted by Sandi Toksvig today. Funny little things these clever people say. I just like they way they think and I laugh out loud all on my own. I am looking forward to the return of I Haven't a Clue.
I really get to feel happy after caffeine. I think I need to knock it on the head - yet again! It works rapidly and I get a real high and ever so ever so chatty. It's like being on cocaine.
My mood is low in the monrings at the moment. I dreamt last night yet another anxiety dream. I was at the airport terminal (one) I think but it was circular and a lot of glass. I could see where I needed to get to but just couldn;t move quick enogh. It's the second similar dream, the last one also involving an airport and being alte for the plane but not being able to run fast enough - terminal 3 that time and Air India. Virgin Atlantic this time. I also dreamt that I met Mick (first husband), second time of dreaming about getting together with him. Last time he turned out to be a heroin addict and I wanted to be injected to. I watched him inject his groin. This time he turned out to be a gambler. I was aware of being really upset and disappointed and not knowing hoe to get out of it this time. Dreams mean a lot but usually I get the message a while afterwards. I think the anxiety dreams are really indicative of what's driving my low mood. And the Mick dreams are seeming to tell me I am not ready yet - still picking people that are not healthy for me. Drawn to that dysfunction to use a trendy word.
What else can I write about this dreadful week- actually couple of weeks. My car breaking down and costing a small fortune relatively speaking. Being told I may have had a stroke after a serious migraine. Visitng the stroke clinic and various eye tests - spending more money out on new glasses! Then an interview at the P and a lot of indecision being arunsed and I havent't been offerd a job - yet!! I will be so disappointed and rejected if they don't but then if the money isn't right I can't afford to take it despite thinking the work will be appropriate for me and lots of other benefits to me.
And I am behind on my studies that causes me anxiety
Oh and the bloody male-Irish-dog or menopause!!! On and off with the symptoms. I can safely say I am not enjoying one little bit the process of ageing. Grrrrrrrrr.
Yep this week has been troublesome for me and is the week following the troublesome week before. Trying to find some gratitude and can when I have had caffeine! he he he he
I am not certain how often I will write on this blog. Hope I can remember the address - no idea how to get back to add to it.
LouLou seems to be aching more since stopping the Metacam. I think I need to return to the vets and discuss this with them. I am jst worried that the medication wil have other effects on organs and things. I really can't abide the idea of being without her and I don't want her to be getting older or in pain. Ageist - I am one. Not proud of this fact and have to work hard not to act on my ageism. Ageist against myself too.
Anyway I am going to bed now to hopefully be bright enought o start essay planning tomorrow.
No bell ringing tomorrow - church still closed.
Having kept a jounral for many years now I thought I'd have a go at this blog thing. I don't expect anyone to read it. So I'm not certain why I am doing this. This sounds an incredibly boring start to my blogs. Anyway it is my thought, honest and open!
As I travelled to my OA meeting this morning I was semi engaged with the radio broadcast. It led me to thinking how I have been for many years now defined by my tragedy. As a young girl I was attracted to tragedy. My heroines being Sylvia Plath, Marilyn Monroe and similar tragic characters. Somehow there was a mystic about them that I adored and wanted for myself.
This concept, this realisation is new and so still forming and therefore difficult for me to articulate fully at this time. Mind you by tomorrow I will be having a completely new realisation and no doiubt on a very different tangent - this one will be discarded for the new toy!
Howecer for today ..... being dramatic, craving tragedy has been a lifetime of existing. And then because it wasn't attractive or rather what was going on in my family needed ot be "kept within these four walls", I think this is why I found ways to curb my desire for tragedy. I wonder if tragedy was my way of crying out to be noticed - "here, this is me!!!". Anyway, I discovered boys and hedonism. It was a sort of way of rebelling. At the time I was rebellious in a good two shoes kind of a way. I didn't really want to get caught so it was all out of sight of authority, my dad. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, as time went on the only way I could be hedonisitc or rather partying and out there in an extrovert sort of way was to be drunk and later drugs. These blocked my need for tragedy, I just wanted fun, fun, fun.
Phew I got it. It's been a pretty full life and experiences I hadn't thought I had wanted when I was little and wanting to be a ......... do you know I can't remember ever wanting to be an anything in particular????
Anyway I will leave this realisation room for development. Tragedy being a way of defining me, the only way for there to be any depth to me. So many external things define me. I like it though when I am just me - whoever and however that is??
I also want to claim my love for satirical comedy. Not that I am up to date on current affairs. I often get up to date through satirical shows such as The News Quiz today on Radio 4 hosted by Sandi Toksvig today. Funny little things these clever people say. I just like they way they think and I laugh out loud all on my own. I am looking forward to the return of I Haven't a Clue.
I really get to feel happy after caffeine. I think I need to knock it on the head - yet again! It works rapidly and I get a real high and ever so ever so chatty. It's like being on cocaine.
My mood is low in the monrings at the moment. I dreamt last night yet another anxiety dream. I was at the airport terminal (one) I think but it was circular and a lot of glass. I could see where I needed to get to but just couldn;t move quick enogh. It's the second similar dream, the last one also involving an airport and being alte for the plane but not being able to run fast enough - terminal 3 that time and Air India. Virgin Atlantic this time. I also dreamt that I met Mick (first husband), second time of dreaming about getting together with him. Last time he turned out to be a heroin addict and I wanted to be injected to. I watched him inject his groin. This time he turned out to be a gambler. I was aware of being really upset and disappointed and not knowing hoe to get out of it this time. Dreams mean a lot but usually I get the message a while afterwards. I think the anxiety dreams are really indicative of what's driving my low mood. And the Mick dreams are seeming to tell me I am not ready yet - still picking people that are not healthy for me. Drawn to that dysfunction to use a trendy word.
What else can I write about this dreadful week- actually couple of weeks. My car breaking down and costing a small fortune relatively speaking. Being told I may have had a stroke after a serious migraine. Visitng the stroke clinic and various eye tests - spending more money out on new glasses! Then an interview at the P and a lot of indecision being arunsed and I havent't been offerd a job - yet!! I will be so disappointed and rejected if they don't but then if the money isn't right I can't afford to take it despite thinking the work will be appropriate for me and lots of other benefits to me.
And I am behind on my studies that causes me anxiety
Oh and the bloody male-Irish-dog or menopause!!! On and off with the symptoms. I can safely say I am not enjoying one little bit the process of ageing. Grrrrrrrrr.
Yep this week has been troublesome for me and is the week following the troublesome week before. Trying to find some gratitude and can when I have had caffeine! he he he he
I am not certain how often I will write on this blog. Hope I can remember the address - no idea how to get back to add to it.
LouLou seems to be aching more since stopping the Metacam. I think I need to return to the vets and discuss this with them. I am jst worried that the medication wil have other effects on organs and things. I really can't abide the idea of being without her and I don't want her to be getting older or in pain. Ageist - I am one. Not proud of this fact and have to work hard not to act on my ageism. Ageist against myself too.
Anyway I am going to bed now to hopefully be bright enought o start essay planning tomorrow.
No bell ringing tomorrow - church still closed.
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