I have woken up thinking it's Monday and even though have realised keep forgetting. I couldn;t work out why all the neighbours cars were still here even though it was just before 8am. I woke up thinking it was Monday and was lying in bed feeling guilty as I am signed off this week as well. Anyway I got up to have a wee and suddenly thought oh this is the day The P might let me know whether I have got the job or not.
I felt very good about how I presented myself. I had prepared well and was able to answer all their questions fully I felt. If they offer me the job I have to really consider the money as the journey is long and will be expensive fuel wise. Then what if they don't offer me the job. I felt so confident I hadn't truly considered how it would be if I don't get offered the job!!
Now I feel like I've gained a day but still can't get into the fact that it's Sunday.
More anxiety dreaming - not being able to move legs to get anywhere quickly. Needed to be running.
Previous to that though had a wonderful dream of being flown from a little airport to an office block, flying over a very futuristic built up city but not in the future. And there were loads of planets and moons that had moved in the earth's atmosphere all just floating around - all small planets and tiny moons. All beautiful colours. They were everywhere. And close, some leaning on roofs and gently bumped into some of the buildings. Different sizes.
It was amazing and some people hadn't noticed. I was disapppointed to have to land. Then I was in an office block and havibng to do some assessments of s small team - all women with one man boss. He was very tolerant but I was aware of my anxiety around him - how important it is not to piss men off with womenly type chit chat and wants and beliefs. I was annoyed with women for being womenly in attitude. OK to look womenly and sexy but not to have female attitude!
That's how it's actually been all my life. Always trying to dissassociate from girly stuff because my dad was so intolerant of it and pejorative attitude towards women being anything other than being quiet and having sex with. It has always seemed that he hated women, yet he hasn't been able to be without one or more at any time. It hurts as my mum was such a vibrant person and it has left me feeling worthless as a women. He told me that he hadn't wanted children at all but when my mum fell pregnant he wanted a boy and was very disappointed that I was a girl. Good start.
Yep I feel inadequate and worthless because I am a women.
I need to walk LouLou. I like having tis blog just to type out my thoughts and feelings. There is a problem. My journals have pages that I can just flick though and drop in and read a little on a page. I like the memory jogger. BUT with this blog I am not sure that I will do that. It just doesn't seem as accessible for that. But it's so much more accessible to just write wirite write.
I don;t hink I like the idea of people I know being able to access my inner thoguhts. Especially if ever want a moan about them. My journal is where I can be really frank. Wow how did it flip into Italics - looks good though.
Later
I felt very good about how I presented myself. I had prepared well and was able to answer all their questions fully I felt. If they offer me the job I have to really consider the money as the journey is long and will be expensive fuel wise. Then what if they don't offer me the job. I felt so confident I hadn't truly considered how it would be if I don't get offered the job!!
Now I feel like I've gained a day but still can't get into the fact that it's Sunday.
More anxiety dreaming - not being able to move legs to get anywhere quickly. Needed to be running.
Previous to that though had a wonderful dream of being flown from a little airport to an office block, flying over a very futuristic built up city but not in the future. And there were loads of planets and moons that had moved in the earth's atmosphere all just floating around - all small planets and tiny moons. All beautiful colours. They were everywhere. And close, some leaning on roofs and gently bumped into some of the buildings. Different sizes.
It was amazing and some people hadn't noticed. I was disapppointed to have to land. Then I was in an office block and havibng to do some assessments of s small team - all women with one man boss. He was very tolerant but I was aware of my anxiety around him - how important it is not to piss men off with womenly type chit chat and wants and beliefs. I was annoyed with women for being womenly in attitude. OK to look womenly and sexy but not to have female attitude!
That's how it's actually been all my life. Always trying to dissassociate from girly stuff because my dad was so intolerant of it and pejorative attitude towards women being anything other than being quiet and having sex with. It has always seemed that he hated women, yet he hasn't been able to be without one or more at any time. It hurts as my mum was such a vibrant person and it has left me feeling worthless as a women. He told me that he hadn't wanted children at all but when my mum fell pregnant he wanted a boy and was very disappointed that I was a girl. Good start.
Yep I feel inadequate and worthless because I am a women.
I need to walk LouLou. I like having tis blog just to type out my thoughts and feelings. There is a problem. My journals have pages that I can just flick though and drop in and read a little on a page. I like the memory jogger. BUT with this blog I am not sure that I will do that. It just doesn't seem as accessible for that. But it's so much more accessible to just write wirite write.
I don;t hink I like the idea of people I know being able to access my inner thoguhts. Especially if ever want a moan about them. My journal is where I can be really frank. Wow how did it flip into Italics - looks good though.
Later
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