Well I am in a bit of dilemma. Paula hasn't returned my call. Do I try again? I did ask her to call me back. I am scared that she has been offended by my justification of the date. What did I say? I said I couldn;t do the 13/14 March but could do the 11th. Could she give me a call to arrange as I amshort of money and so would loike to chat about a convenient place and time. All nonsense. I was just trying to hang onto some power being pissed off that she sent a text with dates despite me asking her to call. And still she hasn't called. I do not want to appear to be chasing this. So do I leave it for her to call me or do I try again? She initiated the contact but she was the one who cut the contact.
Anyway I have spoken with Melissa. I am relieved to have been able to be open and honest with her. As usual there was clumsiness on my part. I don;t know how to say things genetly sometimes or even how to be opne. I believed I had sensed an anger towards me last night and Melissa apologised if there had been any anger. She explained that she is fed up with people cutting contact with her because of me. I can understand that. I don;t understand why that mght be. I have a theory that Paula cut contact because Jenny cut contact. But that could just be my childish thinking. In conversation with Melissa this afternoon I think there was jealousy on Jenny's part of the friendship between Melissa and I and I think jenny used to try and play us off one against the other too.
The thing is I truly value my friendship with Melissa. She is an important person in my life and I think there are people who would like something similar. I wonder therefore if there is jealousy? I am scared that other people could damage the friendship. This is my paranoia. I do trust the friendship most of the time. I trust Melissa's recovery. I said that I respect that she doesn't want to get invovled with the situation between Paula and I but she did go on to say that she had received a text from Paula that involved me.
I do not know why there is so much put upon Melissa because of me. I can understand with Stephen - he was my boyfriend and it seems that he is now able to speak with Melissa. He still appears hostile towards me when I have driven past and waved. I think because I took his written threats to my solicitor that was the end for him. I still think he shouldn't have threated me in the first place. And I was seeing Don - he was seeing his new girlfriend before that. I am imagining all these angers towards me because they are what I think of myself. Yes I had a part - and so did he. If only there was an opportuity to clear all that up adulty and without emotional attachment. Maybe one day.
Anyway, yes Melissa and I had a good chat. It helped me feel more secure again in our friendship. I would like all this nonsense with these others to be over. It seems childish and school playground stuff. I am gald to be distanced from it somewhat. I don't need to have contact, for example I don't bump into anyone, I am so far away.
I was upset that Melissa thinks that her deteriorating friendship with Alice is anything to do with me. I am aware that Alice doesn't consider Melissa her friend and in fact finds her quite difficult. I knew Alice before I knew Melissa in fact it's through Alice that I know Melissa at all. That has nothing to do with me whatsoever.
Honestly why can't I have more grown up friends. I think I have in the main. I don't generally meet people like this anymore. I am wary of Sandra coz I think I sense a nastiness at times. I like the very nic e person she is too. Amy is seperate fro it all anyway excpet that she lives with my dear friend Lilly. Gosh how is it everyone ends up networked. I liked seperate and yet I loe bringing people together too.
Aaaaraararararararghhhhh!
Anyway I have spoken with Melissa. I am relieved to have been able to be open and honest with her. As usual there was clumsiness on my part. I don;t know how to say things genetly sometimes or even how to be opne. I believed I had sensed an anger towards me last night and Melissa apologised if there had been any anger. She explained that she is fed up with people cutting contact with her because of me. I can understand that. I don;t understand why that mght be. I have a theory that Paula cut contact because Jenny cut contact. But that could just be my childish thinking. In conversation with Melissa this afternoon I think there was jealousy on Jenny's part of the friendship between Melissa and I and I think jenny used to try and play us off one against the other too.
The thing is I truly value my friendship with Melissa. She is an important person in my life and I think there are people who would like something similar. I wonder therefore if there is jealousy? I am scared that other people could damage the friendship. This is my paranoia. I do trust the friendship most of the time. I trust Melissa's recovery. I said that I respect that she doesn't want to get invovled with the situation between Paula and I but she did go on to say that she had received a text from Paula that involved me.
I do not know why there is so much put upon Melissa because of me. I can understand with Stephen - he was my boyfriend and it seems that he is now able to speak with Melissa. He still appears hostile towards me when I have driven past and waved. I think because I took his written threats to my solicitor that was the end for him. I still think he shouldn't have threated me in the first place. And I was seeing Don - he was seeing his new girlfriend before that. I am imagining all these angers towards me because they are what I think of myself. Yes I had a part - and so did he. If only there was an opportuity to clear all that up adulty and without emotional attachment. Maybe one day.
Anyway, yes Melissa and I had a good chat. It helped me feel more secure again in our friendship. I would like all this nonsense with these others to be over. It seems childish and school playground stuff. I am gald to be distanced from it somewhat. I don't need to have contact, for example I don't bump into anyone, I am so far away.
I was upset that Melissa thinks that her deteriorating friendship with Alice is anything to do with me. I am aware that Alice doesn't consider Melissa her friend and in fact finds her quite difficult. I knew Alice before I knew Melissa in fact it's through Alice that I know Melissa at all. That has nothing to do with me whatsoever.
Honestly why can't I have more grown up friends. I think I have in the main. I don't generally meet people like this anymore. I am wary of Sandra coz I think I sense a nastiness at times. I like the very nic e person she is too. Amy is seperate fro it all anyway excpet that she lives with my dear friend Lilly. Gosh how is it everyone ends up networked. I liked seperate and yet I loe bringing people together too.
Aaaaraararararararghhhhh!
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