Gosh this week is going quickly.
I sent a tect to Paula, saying yes let's meet and asked her to call me to arrange a date. She didn't call which i am reading into but instead sent some dates. I tried to all her but it went straight to answer machine - all of which i am taking so damned personally. Anyway I left a message saying that I thought it would be easier to speak. I did some justifying regarding the dates and already regret that. I just need to stay centred and retain my dignity. Let me adult and carer dot he taling and keep the injured child behind me and protected. All very therapeutic speak but that's just how it feels. The person who normally goes out to meet the rest of the world is the little injured child - sometimes the gobby teenager, sometimes the damaged 10 year old and sometimes the screaming 5 year old. All the ages go out and try and deal with the adult world and it can go horribly wrong causing me even more damage. I am just inexperienced really being an adult in such situations. I just didn;t hear or get the appropriate training. Does anyone?
So I have now left a message - I am reluctant to meet. I feel aggressive in my defensiveness. I will go along and hopefully be warm and loving. I am aware that Paula is like me very sensitive nd by being aware can try to remain gentle. I can go along and listen to what she says. I don't have to do more than that really. If I feel attacked I can decide whether there is mileage in more than just casual acquaintance.
I just get so paranoid that there's this gang of people all slaggin me off and gangin up against me. And they will recruit everyone gradually coz people get warn down by being excluded because of me. I am afraid that's what is happening to Melissa. She doesn't like being left out and I think she thinks it's because of me. It certainly was with Stephen (ex-partner) and that affected friendships she had with friends of his if I was involved. Ugh. People. I just don't trust them to see their part in it and I want them to see it's not all me. BUT I also know ths is because I am not certain myself. I want to blame all fo them because then that makes me OK. However, I feel like I am no good, I am a bad friend, I get it all wrong, I am not fun and interesting, I am not worth knowing. That's what I think they all see.
Yet I also think this situation has been dealt with by Paula childishly and by Jenny too. I am angry about it as much as I am hurt and afraid. I feel angry because people don't seem to deal with things other than running away. They claim to be well and working a good recovery programme - actually before I write on any further I know I can hear the loving person in me saying they are doing their best with what they know now to help themselves and not make it so much about me me me me.
It's me that's reading inot all this text and answer phone nonsense. Perhaps I should trust that Paula is busy or unable to call and is doing the best for herself. It's not nice thinking that people need to protect themself from me and I do have a part in that. Let me listen to what that is.
My essay feels like I am really waffling. Whereas normally I keep the draft tight and actually ahve space for adding rather than needing to remove, this time I am going aroudn and aroudn the houses.
The way I waffle on here it would be difficult to beleive that I could be concise. My friends (that I am relaxed with say how muchy I can talk). I have though in previous essays been much better at moving in the direction fo the poitns I want to make. This seems to be rambling and repetitive. I think I just need to get the ideas down at this stage as it's not really clear and I am not finding easy ways to criticise and evaluate without going backwards and forwards over points.
Poor blog. I really am bashing it out on you. I wonder how much capacity you have for all of this.
Well reprieve for you whilst I go off to yep continue with the blasted essay. What a relief for you when this one is over huh. Then there will be the next one ha ha ha.
Later x
oh excuse the typo's I type too fast and can't be bothered to go back and correct them - hope it makes some sense. Helps tog et it out of my head anyway.
I sent a tect to Paula, saying yes let's meet and asked her to call me to arrange a date. She didn't call which i am reading into but instead sent some dates. I tried to all her but it went straight to answer machine - all of which i am taking so damned personally. Anyway I left a message saying that I thought it would be easier to speak. I did some justifying regarding the dates and already regret that. I just need to stay centred and retain my dignity. Let me adult and carer dot he taling and keep the injured child behind me and protected. All very therapeutic speak but that's just how it feels. The person who normally goes out to meet the rest of the world is the little injured child - sometimes the gobby teenager, sometimes the damaged 10 year old and sometimes the screaming 5 year old. All the ages go out and try and deal with the adult world and it can go horribly wrong causing me even more damage. I am just inexperienced really being an adult in such situations. I just didn;t hear or get the appropriate training. Does anyone?
So I have now left a message - I am reluctant to meet. I feel aggressive in my defensiveness. I will go along and hopefully be warm and loving. I am aware that Paula is like me very sensitive nd by being aware can try to remain gentle. I can go along and listen to what she says. I don't have to do more than that really. If I feel attacked I can decide whether there is mileage in more than just casual acquaintance.
I just get so paranoid that there's this gang of people all slaggin me off and gangin up against me. And they will recruit everyone gradually coz people get warn down by being excluded because of me. I am afraid that's what is happening to Melissa. She doesn't like being left out and I think she thinks it's because of me. It certainly was with Stephen (ex-partner) and that affected friendships she had with friends of his if I was involved. Ugh. People. I just don't trust them to see their part in it and I want them to see it's not all me. BUT I also know ths is because I am not certain myself. I want to blame all fo them because then that makes me OK. However, I feel like I am no good, I am a bad friend, I get it all wrong, I am not fun and interesting, I am not worth knowing. That's what I think they all see.
Yet I also think this situation has been dealt with by Paula childishly and by Jenny too. I am angry about it as much as I am hurt and afraid. I feel angry because people don't seem to deal with things other than running away. They claim to be well and working a good recovery programme - actually before I write on any further I know I can hear the loving person in me saying they are doing their best with what they know now to help themselves and not make it so much about me me me me.
It's me that's reading inot all this text and answer phone nonsense. Perhaps I should trust that Paula is busy or unable to call and is doing the best for herself. It's not nice thinking that people need to protect themself from me and I do have a part in that. Let me listen to what that is.
My essay feels like I am really waffling. Whereas normally I keep the draft tight and actually ahve space for adding rather than needing to remove, this time I am going aroudn and aroudn the houses.
The way I waffle on here it would be difficult to beleive that I could be concise. My friends (that I am relaxed with say how muchy I can talk). I have though in previous essays been much better at moving in the direction fo the poitns I want to make. This seems to be rambling and repetitive. I think I just need to get the ideas down at this stage as it's not really clear and I am not finding easy ways to criticise and evaluate without going backwards and forwards over points.
Poor blog. I really am bashing it out on you. I wonder how much capacity you have for all of this.
Well reprieve for you whilst I go off to yep continue with the blasted essay. What a relief for you when this one is over huh. Then there will be the next one ha ha ha.
Later x
oh excuse the typo's I type too fast and can't be bothered to go back and correct them - hope it makes some sense. Helps tog et it out of my head anyway.
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