Clever L, she suggested that I text her - that's how it works she responded. Of course. If it was decent friendly things then I could send it to anyone.
Hopefully that will subside too.
I can realy see how I have been sexualising the anger. How many times have I said it's OK to be angry it's the behaviour. Grrrrr at me.
And yet also I feel gentler with me too. I really have understood at a feeling level the power of the powerlessness. Want to put in the little sketch diagram S drew last night to explain the ID. He says that the ID is Sexual/Aggression raw and then the idea is that our care givers provide us with the EGO, the teraching and loving that we receive creates a sort of membrane protection and interfacs with the world outside, or preparing us all the time to interrelate. The problem is that if the child is abused a wound is created straight into the ID - the fuck versus kill message create fury. Children are immensely clever and develop a cap to keep the explosive fury in - addiction, defence mechanisms such as angst (anxiety about everything), repression (disturbed feelings are just shut out or forgotten), displacement (feelings are placed upon someone, something else), sublimation (sexualising other things such as being creative or caring, libido or energy put into other things - sexual anorexia?), projection (project anger and sxualisation onto other people - blame), reaction information (exaggerating the opposite to the repressed impulse).
There a bit of revision at the same time.
Must go - phongin a S L A new contact. Restrict to 20 mins max as then need to get on with revision. Need to leave at 1130 to collect parcel from post office and get to work by 1pm. No dropping off LouLou coz I left her at A's since Sunday so could be with C uninterrupted. So selfish I am.
More aware than ever I have been. Scared of these withdrawls. It's all such bullshit fantasy talk. It is my addiction
The reality is I have an exam to focus on - get on with it.
Hopefully that will subside too.
I can realy see how I have been sexualising the anger. How many times have I said it's OK to be angry it's the behaviour. Grrrrr at me.
And yet also I feel gentler with me too. I really have understood at a feeling level the power of the powerlessness. Want to put in the little sketch diagram S drew last night to explain the ID. He says that the ID is Sexual/Aggression raw and then the idea is that our care givers provide us with the EGO, the teraching and loving that we receive creates a sort of membrane protection and interfacs with the world outside, or preparing us all the time to interrelate. The problem is that if the child is abused a wound is created straight into the ID - the fuck versus kill message create fury. Children are immensely clever and develop a cap to keep the explosive fury in - addiction, defence mechanisms such as angst (anxiety about everything), repression (disturbed feelings are just shut out or forgotten), displacement (feelings are placed upon someone, something else), sublimation (sexualising other things such as being creative or caring, libido or energy put into other things - sexual anorexia?), projection (project anger and sxualisation onto other people - blame), reaction information (exaggerating the opposite to the repressed impulse).
There a bit of revision at the same time.
Must go - phongin a S L A new contact. Restrict to 20 mins max as then need to get on with revision. Need to leave at 1130 to collect parcel from post office and get to work by 1pm. No dropping off LouLou coz I left her at A's since Sunday so could be with C uninterrupted. So selfish I am.
More aware than ever I have been. Scared of these withdrawls. It's all such bullshit fantasy talk. It is my addiction
The reality is I have an exam to focus on - get on with it.
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