Breezy

Erwin Olaf


 At least JH and I were able to have some light and breezy when we met today. And I enjoy him introducing photographers to me.

I felt the anger at one point. I can see now that it is there simmering and JH rightly is aware of it. I am gald to be able tp acknowledge it with him so that I then don;t act out harshly with it and punish him or try to impose the anger I feel. I know myself that someone's anger has been difficult for me. I feel the deep sense of everything being my fault. It's a hard lesson to learn that we affect each other and anger isn;t smoehting I want to evoke in anyone. Why? Because when I evoked anger as a child my dad over reacted. He would shame me and at times hit me. He always verbally demeaned my sense of self. I was a bad person. So when anyone has been angry I go straight back to the shameful me. Yet I have been learning that anger when appropriately sized is evoked for good reason. For example when someone's boundary is crossed. Anger has a purpose. It serves to help protect us - flight or fight when taken back in evolutionary purposes. Anger helps to get the adrenalin flowing and energises the body first to run and then if unable to run then to battle.
So when I felt angry earlier on it was good to acknowledge it and then not to act impulsively on it. I did not need to behave in a way that would demeane JH, I simply stated that i feel angry. Boundaries and preferences that I stated very clearly have been crossed. And whilst JH says he was not aware, he knew at some level that he not deceiving me. He is far from a stupid man so I felt angry. It's bound to come up after all the hurt. Often men just touch a shade of hurt and divert to anger much sooner than women. I know it is a part of the process.
But what I also recognise has been triggered is the childhood trauma. Now I am not putting this on JH at all. But the poor fragile me has been through a lot this week. And at work ther has been a lot of first time disclosure of rapes and sexual abuse. Not to mention the announcements of paedophilia rings being brought to trial.Me thinkgin about those poor little girls and brings to mind CH. I am cross with IC, I expect CH is using heroin by now.
I felt the trauma rising in me. At first I had this overwhleming sadness that seemed not to be attached to anything. It was just nig and fore veryone on the planet struggling with life on life's terms. We all have to deal with difficulties of varying degrees. I felt the pain of the masses. And then I went into a sort of panic attack.
Shaking and feeling aboiut 5 years old. I suddenly couldn't discern good from evil. I suddnely wondered whether perhaps JH wants to hurt me. I don;t believe that of him at all ut I could not quell the panic and trauma. I felt disgust through my body and cringing at having genitals, I can;t even write the revolting feeling that went through me. I have known so many abusers and of course I attracted them. I did not know that I did not need to be abused.
So any old abuser could come along and abuse me. Bastards. Why do people wnt to do that? Why? Universe I still don't get it.
I used to go over and over with SC (therapist). The greatest unanswered questionthat seems to never be reconciled. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Despie seeking answers from Buddhist monks and Christian priests and supposed sages, I still cannot reconcile this.
The little girls of Soham still reverberate around my head. And now these little girls and CH. It's the only way to sort of raise the question as it's somehow not permissible for me to raise it for myself. I am not worhty of that attention as I still have difficulty believing what I know is true.
Just my rectio tonight is more evidence of the vile truth.

I think JH thinks I am a mental case. I think he is truggling to actually like me. I think he doesn;t knw. I love him. He isn;t sure if i Like him. I like him. Many things I like about him. He talks about being putr on a pedestal when we first me by me and he feels as if he is tumbling off. I did not put him on a pedestal. All the qualities I saw then, I see now. I did not know what I also knwo now. And it's going to take time to build trust. I am choosing to be in ther ealtionship so have to put trust into him yet again. And I am believing him that he is affecting change.
I am so scared of being hurt again and my decision to stay being the wrong one. Yet at the same time I like and love being with JH and talking aout all sorts of things.
I long to be cuddled up with him safe and just there. I do not want sex right at this time I feel too much disgust but I think this is linked with the little trauma panic.
Well I hand it over to you Universe.
Thanks for getting me through today, I don;t feel great but I am getting to bed now in one piece.

Bliss
XX

Annie Liebowtiz - http://www.pbs.org/wnet/americanmasters/episodes/annie-leibovitz/photo-gallery/19/