LL is chasing her tail here. Always makes me smile. It's damned cold. Low cloud, I wonder if the snow is making it's way here after all. I will take LL for a walk shortly but no more bravery, I really need to wrap up warm.
I hope it doesn't sow whilst I am out. I do not want to get stranded just as I did last year. And the snow is early this year. WOW!
Well JH and I spoke last evening. I could not wait any longer.
I read his Blog and the intrigue was cast ...... reading his thoughts and feeling my loss of our love I sent a message. Oh no actually I was talking with big HB. We were laughing and recounting tales from our days together in the past. It was lovely and funny too. We both learnt a lot about ourselves way back then but also she reminded me that I tried to kill myself. She was beside herself. We talked about the extent to which she went to try and find me after I disappeared out of hers and little HB's life.
I love little HB so much and of course big HB. Little HB has real difficulty over her father. Apparently she became distraught just recently when she thought she had lost my home phone number. It makes me feel special for a moment but I also become instantly aware that it is not me but a little girl who is already set on a path of fear of abandonment. With a mum who from time to time relapses and his chaotic - the inconsistency is the issue. I know big HB absolutely adores little HB and is such a fun mother - so creative. What a wonderful person big HB is ..... she is such a funny creator. She found a stray dog and called it Flea. So what with her other dog Duck, a rabbit called Stu, two cats and a snake - all in their little flat. big HB is a wonder that few others have encountered. I hope some day that she will be better known to the world.
She thinks the two of us could write our book and make a fortune. Just write about the occasions when we were out there together. Ha ha. It nearly killed me but bloody hell what a time.
I has spoken extensively with little HB just the evening before and we are arranging to meet in London to celebrate both big and little HB's birthdays. As a fairy Godmother I am useless. little HB's birthday is on the same day as my mum died so there is no bloody reason why I forget to do anything - I am very lazy about birthdays. Everyone's. Always have been. I used to really upset my mum when I forgot hers. She wouldn't even open the envelope if it arrived even one day later. That went for anyone's late arrivals actually. She could be a stubborn and cantankerous
Anyway, off the a story. I sent a Whatsapp earlier to see if there was a time to speak together that would suit both of us. When he responded I responded immediately. We entered into a little Whatsapp dialogue and then both thought we could talk now. Well once I had finished speaking with big HB, JH and I tried speaking on Skype but for some odd reason neither my mic or speakers worked. So we tried the landline but my handset battery was already worn down after a long, long talk with big HB. So then we managed to get Skype on iPhone. Marverllous piece of kit and iPhone. One expense I am pleased with.
I listened with interest as JH spoke about the things he has done. I can hear it's for himself. Massive potential for the freedom he has been looking for. He attended CoDA although I already knew this from reading his Blog. I wasn't clear on many things as he seemed to be speaing abstractly at times. Just vague remarks. I became confused really - Do have any right to want to know more. After all we finished the relationshio this week. If it were my friends yes I would ask them to clarify and be specific but I don;t knwo wat JH and I are.
He says he would like to remain as girlfriend and boyfriend - as a couple. I want that but am also scared to be. My heart has been really hurt. He says that he would like me to let bygones be bygones. But this recent past behaviour is there and has informed the way we have related with each other. It's not as if we are meeting for the first time and can talk about the past as being in the past. It is what I know of him.
I do believe I have been pretty consistent. I know that with my instinctive inquisitiveness about his behaviour I have not liked the way I was becoming. I knew even thoug I didn't know details. And it just seemed that the only way I could chekc that I wasn;t mad was to try and force it out of JH and then finally the most disgusting of all to be checking his emails. The snooping as Lace Foxglave was low but it got lower.
I do not want to be in a relationship where that is necessary. I do not like that in me. Having got that far it had to end. There was no trust whatsoever and it was completely founded.
Universe - please?
I have to go to get my hair cut and coloured.
Bliss
I
I hope it doesn't sow whilst I am out. I do not want to get stranded just as I did last year. And the snow is early this year. WOW!
Well JH and I spoke last evening. I could not wait any longer.
I read his Blog and the intrigue was cast ...... reading his thoughts and feeling my loss of our love I sent a message. Oh no actually I was talking with big HB. We were laughing and recounting tales from our days together in the past. It was lovely and funny too. We both learnt a lot about ourselves way back then but also she reminded me that I tried to kill myself. She was beside herself. We talked about the extent to which she went to try and find me after I disappeared out of hers and little HB's life.
I love little HB so much and of course big HB. Little HB has real difficulty over her father. Apparently she became distraught just recently when she thought she had lost my home phone number. It makes me feel special for a moment but I also become instantly aware that it is not me but a little girl who is already set on a path of fear of abandonment. With a mum who from time to time relapses and his chaotic - the inconsistency is the issue. I know big HB absolutely adores little HB and is such a fun mother - so creative. What a wonderful person big HB is ..... she is such a funny creator. She found a stray dog and called it Flea. So what with her other dog Duck, a rabbit called Stu, two cats and a snake - all in their little flat. big HB is a wonder that few others have encountered. I hope some day that she will be better known to the world.
She thinks the two of us could write our book and make a fortune. Just write about the occasions when we were out there together. Ha ha. It nearly killed me but bloody hell what a time.
I has spoken extensively with little HB just the evening before and we are arranging to meet in London to celebrate both big and little HB's birthdays. As a fairy Godmother I am useless. little HB's birthday is on the same day as my mum died so there is no bloody reason why I forget to do anything - I am very lazy about birthdays. Everyone's. Always have been. I used to really upset my mum when I forgot hers. She wouldn't even open the envelope if it arrived even one day later. That went for anyone's late arrivals actually. She could be a stubborn and cantankerous
Anyway, off the a story. I sent a Whatsapp earlier to see if there was a time to speak together that would suit both of us. When he responded I responded immediately. We entered into a little Whatsapp dialogue and then both thought we could talk now. Well once I had finished speaking with big HB, JH and I tried speaking on Skype but for some odd reason neither my mic or speakers worked. So we tried the landline but my handset battery was already worn down after a long, long talk with big HB. So then we managed to get Skype on iPhone. Marverllous piece of kit and iPhone. One expense I am pleased with.
I listened with interest as JH spoke about the things he has done. I can hear it's for himself. Massive potential for the freedom he has been looking for. He attended CoDA although I already knew this from reading his Blog. I wasn't clear on many things as he seemed to be speaing abstractly at times. Just vague remarks. I became confused really - Do have any right to want to know more. After all we finished the relationshio this week. If it were my friends yes I would ask them to clarify and be specific but I don;t knwo wat JH and I are.
He says he would like to remain as girlfriend and boyfriend - as a couple. I want that but am also scared to be. My heart has been really hurt. He says that he would like me to let bygones be bygones. But this recent past behaviour is there and has informed the way we have related with each other. It's not as if we are meeting for the first time and can talk about the past as being in the past. It is what I know of him.
I do believe I have been pretty consistent. I know that with my instinctive inquisitiveness about his behaviour I have not liked the way I was becoming. I knew even thoug I didn't know details. And it just seemed that the only way I could chekc that I wasn;t mad was to try and force it out of JH and then finally the most disgusting of all to be checking his emails. The snooping as Lace Foxglave was low but it got lower.
I do not want to be in a relationship where that is necessary. I do not like that in me. Having got that far it had to end. There was no trust whatsoever and it was completely founded.
Universe - please?
I have to go to get my hair cut and coloured.
Bliss
I
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