Step 11 - prayer and meditation -
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
I heard this read out on Saturday and this morning the thought of expectation has floated across my mind. Someone shared about the part expectation plays in disappointment.
I am disappointed that things have not turned out the way I had wanted them to with JH. He and I were just not the way I guess we had wanted each other to be.
Yes I know this again! I am sorry for all my friends who hear nothing other than this at the moment. This last 9 months or so has been really big in my life. I met JH without any expectation and then the way in which we interacted after a while tempted me into hope which I think became expectation. And when it was not met I have fallen into a pit.
Step Eleven suggests not to pray for anything for the self - ONLY for knowledge of God's will for us.
I prayed to meet someone. I feel that I would so like to meet a person that I can share living with - experiences and thoughts, emotional responses to situations and events, to laugh with - etc etc etc. I will always remember what ET's grandfather said - well you can if you want ask for anything at all. But what you have to realise is tat there are probably many many factors and people involved in providing what you are asking for. And if anyone person is not quite listening to properly (and probably no one is listening precisely) then what results will not necessarily be what you have asked for. Even if it initially looks like it is the answer to your prayers.
I get this a little today.
I wanted and asked. Everything appeared great but it didn't stay like that because all the things that weren't matching my expectations couldn't be.
I do ave so many people in my life and also so much - yet there is this desire in me that is never met.
I am glad that I always have the fellowship to fall into. I am not a person that stays right in the middle of the boat all the time - but in the same way as a teenager needs somewhere central and safe to fall back to whilst exploring this thing called life - I have it in the fellowship. I had always depended on my mum until she died. The thing is she let me wander off but also enabled and fixed. The fellowship doesn't do that. I can do anything at all and then when I come back fully on my knees yet again there is no judgement or fixing - just stability. More of the same message that I can take and interpret in my own way etc. The fellowship - not one person in particular - the whole process -. So I do not have to always parent myself. The fellowship offers the parenting and the love when I cannot love me.
Gosh I am feeling relieved to recognise this. Intellectually I know this stuff.
Sometimes I can really feel it in my soul. I trust that the more I practice living within all of this the more I will know - it's changed so much already from the day I started so there is even evidence that it is possible.
In this moment I suddenly do not feel the loneliness I have felt since JH and I have become apart.
It seemed so much that we were together and now it seems so distant.
Its strange because actually I can offer my closeness without any demands or needs today.
I trust though - I trust that everything is just how it is meant to be in this moment. Not to punish or teach - it just is and I can take lessons from it if I wish.
I feel the same for JH right now. It is how it is - there are lessons but that's not the primary reason - it has been a life experience for me and for that I am truly grateful.
JH is a wonderful man. I am a wonderful me. I know I have a lot of shortcomings that manifest in many ways when interacting with different people. I thank God for the opportunity to experience life. It is never ever dull
Thank you
Bliss
X
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
I heard this read out on Saturday and this morning the thought of expectation has floated across my mind. Someone shared about the part expectation plays in disappointment.
I am disappointed that things have not turned out the way I had wanted them to with JH. He and I were just not the way I guess we had wanted each other to be.
Yes I know this again! I am sorry for all my friends who hear nothing other than this at the moment. This last 9 months or so has been really big in my life. I met JH without any expectation and then the way in which we interacted after a while tempted me into hope which I think became expectation. And when it was not met I have fallen into a pit.
Step Eleven suggests not to pray for anything for the self - ONLY for knowledge of God's will for us.
I prayed to meet someone. I feel that I would so like to meet a person that I can share living with - experiences and thoughts, emotional responses to situations and events, to laugh with - etc etc etc. I will always remember what ET's grandfather said - well you can if you want ask for anything at all. But what you have to realise is tat there are probably many many factors and people involved in providing what you are asking for. And if anyone person is not quite listening to properly (and probably no one is listening precisely) then what results will not necessarily be what you have asked for. Even if it initially looks like it is the answer to your prayers.
I get this a little today.
I wanted and asked. Everything appeared great but it didn't stay like that because all the things that weren't matching my expectations couldn't be.
I do ave so many people in my life and also so much - yet there is this desire in me that is never met.
I am glad that I always have the fellowship to fall into. I am not a person that stays right in the middle of the boat all the time - but in the same way as a teenager needs somewhere central and safe to fall back to whilst exploring this thing called life - I have it in the fellowship. I had always depended on my mum until she died. The thing is she let me wander off but also enabled and fixed. The fellowship doesn't do that. I can do anything at all and then when I come back fully on my knees yet again there is no judgement or fixing - just stability. More of the same message that I can take and interpret in my own way etc. The fellowship - not one person in particular - the whole process -. So I do not have to always parent myself. The fellowship offers the parenting and the love when I cannot love me.
Gosh I am feeling relieved to recognise this. Intellectually I know this stuff.
Sometimes I can really feel it in my soul. I trust that the more I practice living within all of this the more I will know - it's changed so much already from the day I started so there is even evidence that it is possible.
In this moment I suddenly do not feel the loneliness I have felt since JH and I have become apart.
It seemed so much that we were together and now it seems so distant.
Its strange because actually I can offer my closeness without any demands or needs today.
I trust though - I trust that everything is just how it is meant to be in this moment. Not to punish or teach - it just is and I can take lessons from it if I wish.
I feel the same for JH right now. It is how it is - there are lessons but that's not the primary reason - it has been a life experience for me and for that I am truly grateful.
JH is a wonderful man. I am a wonderful me. I know I have a lot of shortcomings that manifest in many ways when interacting with different people. I thank God for the opportunity to experience life. It is never ever dull
Thank you
Bliss
X
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