I called my dad yesterday! I remained adult whilst talking with him but also I noticed it's as if if I put on a plastic coating so that anything he might say (or not say) slips off me. Off course when the coating comes off after the call I crumble. And the coating can take a few days sometimes to come off.
But I am not crumbling at the moment. It disappoints me about me that I try to provoked an emotional response from him. We talk about nothing deeper than superficial nonsense. There is a format. I ask how he is, he tells me about his hospital visits. Then he asks me if I have heard from anyone and I always try and give the bad news to try and get him to show something like caring. He then comes back with something worse.
He also always has to attribute his ailments to something he picked up whilst in Korea.
He did ask me what I have been doing ... I keep it very vague. I haven't really been doing much it seems of a big nature so that it sounds like big news. That's what I have always been like - needing to have done wild things or large things to make myself interesting. But I have been working hard and preparing to negotiate with my bosses. I had a lovely evening at the theatre, I am feeling better just recently (will be glad when menopause symptoms have left me completely), my boyfriend and I have separated and I am trying to allow myself to heal and at the same time wishing to remain friends (this is really emotionally enormous), I have spent time with friends, I have been investing a lot more time into my studying and to my recovery, I am trying to save money to spend on travels, I have been discovering and being shown some lovely art and finding more and more interest. These are just examples of things that contribute to who I am and my dad doesn't have a clue.
I had mentioned to him, on the last occasion we met, that I have been writing poetry. He then spoke about his poetry writing. His is mainly sarcasm actually. It can be funny but really it is quite mean as it is at the expense of other people.
So the conversation ended with him not being available to meet today. I wish I had sent a card. I thought about it with intention to send one. But I am so flipping lazy with these things. I always leave it until the last minute and then its too late. I used to be like that with my mum too. I don;t know why it is. I have them in my mind and it matters to me but I just don't do it.
I spoke with JH as well. I had sent a message earlier in the day because I am getting more and more calm as the days go by and my acceptance seeps in. I wrote about how sorry I am for my behaviour in reaction to all that had gone on.
We weren't able to actually talk. That's OK. Perhaps another time. It's less and less important. I am sorry for my part which is separate from my broken heart. I feel the loss and sadness still. But the acceptance of JH as is makes it a little easier. And with distance I can just be how I prefer me to be.
I hope he is able to ask his daughter how things are and have been for her. It would be an ideal opportunity to allow her to express herself in all of what has been going on. I know JH has worked hard and been taking professional support. It would be great if he could hear what his daughter thinks and feels and help her get to some acceptance with clear explanations and stability. I say this as he had mentioned how she withdraws and that he thinks she is saying positive things to her mum to please her. It would be good to know the truth from her rather than assume was my immediate thought. It's lovely that JH is taking time for his kids. I think with his work and probably a lot of online time and interest in women too has perhaps meant he is less available. But I hear in JH how much he wants to be good for everyone and then spreads himself thin.
I also know from JH how his place in the forest is a sanctuary for him. So I hope for him that it's restful time and fun and like breathing clean fresh air in to get rid of the illness he has. Recoup and re-energise.
I hope for only good for JH. I know that if he can use CoDA things can only get better and better.
I did a chair on Friday. I was invited because they have chairs from within the group. But I felt very honoured on the basis that it was only my second visit. I loved the fact that they keep the focus on feelings and when it was said that it's only a 10 minute share and we concentrate on feelings I was relieved and grateful. I have so many BIG emotions and some I just don't really know.
I shared about how I had been talking over lunch about a particular drunken occasion of mine and I was laughing at the memory of it. I noticed though a stony faced look on my lunch time fellows. Not alcoholics they did not really laugh at the past the way I was. And that's what AA has given me the ability to look back and be able to laugh without shame anymore. I have moved away from that. Although things like that were really me finding ways of expressing my adventurous and penned in self. It was like I found freedom but the only way I was able to allow myself was if inebriated. I still have a sort of pride about some antics. It's interesting. I don't want that sort of behaviour anymore but I do relish the freedom to be wild.
Now, I am avoiding starting my studies. A day of cleaning yesterday. Turning the place upside down. Partly it is because I actually cannot abide living here whilst I have these flipping moths. So everything has to be turned out regularly and hoovered. I don;t always turn out cupboards to hoover you see. That seems like too big a job to do on a regular basis. But now I am going to have to. Grrrrr.
I also walked a lot and wrote a lot.
I did not do any studying.
This afternoon LouLou is gong to the vet. I do not trust this vets. But they know her history now - I have to let them know I think that I am feeling anxious about the things that they have seemingly been negligent of in the past. They know about one occasion but I feel I need to remind them as it's such a big practice.
I can see LouLou ageing by the week at the moment. I love her so much. She has been with me through important years. I hope she will be with me for many more to come. 12 and will be 13 in November.
I have just received photos from my cousins birthday. It seems so sad to see her with no hair and so thin. She looks tired and old actually. She is 10 years younger than me. I am told that the chemo and the radiotherapy have not worked at all and the next option is to operate but it's such a strange Cancer that has wrapped itself around her artery near her kidney. So an operation is very dangerous. No one has actually mentioned the possibility that there is a possibility that she is not going to survive very long. It's the unmentionable and yet there is more communication from Auntie O and Uncle R with a tone in there voice.
It's like a superstition that to mention the word death might bring it on.
I don;t know if its a general rule of thumb but I have noticed that in my mum's family they die shortly after their birthdays. In her photo she look thin and tired and grey but she is still smiling and up and about doing things. I think this is going to be tough year/ Gosh how can this happen so young. I know it does but it seems so close now. It happens to people further away from me usually.
It's odd I feel a sort of numbness about it. I have not been close with my family through anger really and through teaching. I am very negative about my family. I think I picked up the shame that my dad feels about people. I do not like it - it's judgemental and ugly. A lifetime of it seems difficult to shift.
I leave now very thoughtful and sad
Bliss
X
But I am not crumbling at the moment. It disappoints me about me that I try to provoked an emotional response from him. We talk about nothing deeper than superficial nonsense. There is a format. I ask how he is, he tells me about his hospital visits. Then he asks me if I have heard from anyone and I always try and give the bad news to try and get him to show something like caring. He then comes back with something worse.
He also always has to attribute his ailments to something he picked up whilst in Korea.
He did ask me what I have been doing ... I keep it very vague. I haven't really been doing much it seems of a big nature so that it sounds like big news. That's what I have always been like - needing to have done wild things or large things to make myself interesting. But I have been working hard and preparing to negotiate with my bosses. I had a lovely evening at the theatre, I am feeling better just recently (will be glad when menopause symptoms have left me completely), my boyfriend and I have separated and I am trying to allow myself to heal and at the same time wishing to remain friends (this is really emotionally enormous), I have spent time with friends, I have been investing a lot more time into my studying and to my recovery, I am trying to save money to spend on travels, I have been discovering and being shown some lovely art and finding more and more interest. These are just examples of things that contribute to who I am and my dad doesn't have a clue.
I had mentioned to him, on the last occasion we met, that I have been writing poetry. He then spoke about his poetry writing. His is mainly sarcasm actually. It can be funny but really it is quite mean as it is at the expense of other people.
So the conversation ended with him not being available to meet today. I wish I had sent a card. I thought about it with intention to send one. But I am so flipping lazy with these things. I always leave it until the last minute and then its too late. I used to be like that with my mum too. I don;t know why it is. I have them in my mind and it matters to me but I just don't do it.
I spoke with JH as well. I had sent a message earlier in the day because I am getting more and more calm as the days go by and my acceptance seeps in. I wrote about how sorry I am for my behaviour in reaction to all that had gone on.
We weren't able to actually talk. That's OK. Perhaps another time. It's less and less important. I am sorry for my part which is separate from my broken heart. I feel the loss and sadness still. But the acceptance of JH as is makes it a little easier. And with distance I can just be how I prefer me to be.
I hope he is able to ask his daughter how things are and have been for her. It would be an ideal opportunity to allow her to express herself in all of what has been going on. I know JH has worked hard and been taking professional support. It would be great if he could hear what his daughter thinks and feels and help her get to some acceptance with clear explanations and stability. I say this as he had mentioned how she withdraws and that he thinks she is saying positive things to her mum to please her. It would be good to know the truth from her rather than assume was my immediate thought. It's lovely that JH is taking time for his kids. I think with his work and probably a lot of online time and interest in women too has perhaps meant he is less available. But I hear in JH how much he wants to be good for everyone and then spreads himself thin.
I also know from JH how his place in the forest is a sanctuary for him. So I hope for him that it's restful time and fun and like breathing clean fresh air in to get rid of the illness he has. Recoup and re-energise.
I hope for only good for JH. I know that if he can use CoDA things can only get better and better.
I did a chair on Friday. I was invited because they have chairs from within the group. But I felt very honoured on the basis that it was only my second visit. I loved the fact that they keep the focus on feelings and when it was said that it's only a 10 minute share and we concentrate on feelings I was relieved and grateful. I have so many BIG emotions and some I just don't really know.
I shared about how I had been talking over lunch about a particular drunken occasion of mine and I was laughing at the memory of it. I noticed though a stony faced look on my lunch time fellows. Not alcoholics they did not really laugh at the past the way I was. And that's what AA has given me the ability to look back and be able to laugh without shame anymore. I have moved away from that. Although things like that were really me finding ways of expressing my adventurous and penned in self. It was like I found freedom but the only way I was able to allow myself was if inebriated. I still have a sort of pride about some antics. It's interesting. I don't want that sort of behaviour anymore but I do relish the freedom to be wild.
Now, I am avoiding starting my studies. A day of cleaning yesterday. Turning the place upside down. Partly it is because I actually cannot abide living here whilst I have these flipping moths. So everything has to be turned out regularly and hoovered. I don;t always turn out cupboards to hoover you see. That seems like too big a job to do on a regular basis. But now I am going to have to. Grrrrr.
I also walked a lot and wrote a lot.
I did not do any studying.
This afternoon LouLou is gong to the vet. I do not trust this vets. But they know her history now - I have to let them know I think that I am feeling anxious about the things that they have seemingly been negligent of in the past. They know about one occasion but I feel I need to remind them as it's such a big practice.
I can see LouLou ageing by the week at the moment. I love her so much. She has been with me through important years. I hope she will be with me for many more to come. 12 and will be 13 in November.
I have just received photos from my cousins birthday. It seems so sad to see her with no hair and so thin. She looks tired and old actually. She is 10 years younger than me. I am told that the chemo and the radiotherapy have not worked at all and the next option is to operate but it's such a strange Cancer that has wrapped itself around her artery near her kidney. So an operation is very dangerous. No one has actually mentioned the possibility that there is a possibility that she is not going to survive very long. It's the unmentionable and yet there is more communication from Auntie O and Uncle R with a tone in there voice.
It's like a superstition that to mention the word death might bring it on.
I don;t know if its a general rule of thumb but I have noticed that in my mum's family they die shortly after their birthdays. In her photo she look thin and tired and grey but she is still smiling and up and about doing things. I think this is going to be tough year/ Gosh how can this happen so young. I know it does but it seems so close now. It happens to people further away from me usually.
It's odd I feel a sort of numbness about it. I have not been close with my family through anger really and through teaching. I am very negative about my family. I think I picked up the shame that my dad feels about people. I do not like it - it's judgemental and ugly. A lifetime of it seems difficult to shift.
I leave now very thoughtful and sad
Bliss
X
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