I remember him talking about his mixed feelings of love but the ugliness of neediness when he was talking to me about his girlfriend whom he later told me was his ex girlfriend. Very confusing - always slightly not adding up, yet it was clear from the start that he had several people he had strong feelings for. He told me spent 3 weeks with the woman in Australia and had strong feelings for her but they were too far apart and he could not go becuase of his children - of course. He also talked about his issues with commitment.
I wonder if in these early days of SL he was telling me things more truthfully or whether they were all muddled stories. He spoke of love with the woman in Romania but also refers to his girlfriend which could have seemed liek the same person but also another, then the relationship with someone in the US was muddled in as well. Gosh it was a real mish mash of all the women I think.
JH - you didn't eve need to be anything than straight forward - I was content simply to be your slave. You took things to another level. And spun stories.
I wonder whether you can ever get all this straight in your head to be honest with yourself and another human being and the Universe. It will be essential if you want to learn and grow - if you are not ready then so be it. It will continue. I hope not for your own and others sake. Innocent passers by do not deserve to be hurt. Although I have my part in it. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe.
The strange encounter we started with should really have menat a lot more. I always did wonder from the beginning the amount of time and years you had been on SL and similar and how that had impacted your marriage and your children. I pondered over this but chose to ignore it because I was falling in love with the you you presented to me.
I am writing this tog et it all out in the open for myself - noone else's benefit. I am sure there are clearer explanations from JH. But it is all so muddled I would never get things really clear because the stories have altered as time has gone on. EVen the things that I saw in October. JH did tell me about havings exual encounters over the SL or Internet - not much difference in JUne and July. Well b y that time we were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. I never did say anything different. As a slave that's what I would have been but I said that I only wanted to be in a monogamous relaitonship if it was anything else. If he loved me wouldn;t he have actually respected and honoured this. And yet he claimed that he was and he wasn't. Can this be considered love?
This is all hurt and anger exuding - gradually clearing out of my system. I hope it clears sooner than later because the hurting makes me ultra sensitive.
So much so that I am ill. It is horrid to be so hurt. I would not wish this on any single person in the world.
Rantings.
I wrote this weeks ago but didn't post it for some reason. Never to waste words it is now posted. A lot has altered in my psyche since writing this. I am relieved to feel differently. Thank goodness for Step work invested in creating awareness and steps to fall back on.
The furiosity is with myself - and also thinking and writing helps me to come to terms with the stages of loss - which are DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE.
I am coming to more understanding and acceptance. Nevertheless I feel incredibly sad (pain) but less and less angry. I also do a bit of bargaining which actually I realise I feel shame about as I don;t really talk much about that.
I start with the earlier feelings at the bottom and work upwards with newer thoughts and feelings ...
Well I have called Stuart and left a message on his answer machine but he has not called back. This scares me more and more. I cannot bear the thought of being rejected by him. He has brought me so far. He has never been unreliable in the past .......? If he doesn't call back by Monday I will try again and leave a message to say how concerned I am. I don;t even like writing this as it leaves me vulnerable to anyone reading it. People make judgements from peoples actions - that's all we have to read what's going on. I am terrified by him not instantly replying - he may be away, he may be busy, he runs workshops that start on Fridays and run all weekend - I called at some silly evening hour yesterday -
I feel very fragile.
I also think this now ....
oh blimey my head hurts I am going to have a break and a tablet. More later .......
Phew good to share. Release of pressure from pain
Oh and I see a process in me about the need for constant access to people. Not necessarily being with physically but a need to be in contact and JH was a person who fulfilled that. Thus something I recognise in me from years ago. Difficult to be alone yet to be on my own in that. Difficult to put into words right now or understand what is underneath. Want to have courage to contact Stuart.
Want to have courage to say to JH absolutely no way forward for me with him - but also this is not what I want - there is a way just as we are. Me accepting there is no commitment from JH within the circumstances he is in or whatever it is - he just doesn't see us as compatible for him - a million possible reasons - there is someone else now - blah blah blah
But don't want to go the harsh route of no contact
Instead be certain myself and maintain boundaries then if he is not OK with that he may show it's not really friendship for him or maybe he would be OK with it and maintain merely friendship
Awaiting client for assessment. Lots of anxiety for me with this part of my job. Always used to get anxious when interviewing. Similar. And we need clients desperately! So it matters.
Having some clear observations of self but some of what is underlying is not so obvious yet.
Grr(at thinking )- he enters my thoughts as soon as I stop for 1 moment - anger sad longing bargaining self blame!
The anger I feel also involves ugly pride. Wanting to know if he is intriguing with others. Wanting ti know because then it is right that nothing between him and I was more than a game for him. Which then hurts. Wanting any new victim to know - ruin his fun! Or destruction of someone else. Just torture. Sad that I kept receiving lies and then believing but not being able to trust. Angry with HP - why did I have to go through this? I know really not to blame. I chose to try and accept. I do blame JH for lying because he did. But I enabled him to keep lying - I am not a person who can accept it lightly - too insecure. Some people I guess would be secure enough not to mind so much. I just need to accept him as him and me as me and on that very fundamental level it's not compatible
Which is so sad as on so many other levels I really really like him. Accept accept accept. Whether it was what he implied it was or not between us - it was really lovely. I wanted a committed relationship but that's not how it is and not really certain what JH wanted.
Grief- ANGER! Feeling angry and blaming of JH. Grrrrrrrr at all the thinking and feelings - make them go away. I don't really blame JH and it just fuels the pain I feel. Anger easier than sadness as it hurts so much. Then hurting and sad at loss and the little me who has no one special and to look after me at times and treat me special. Sad that it's always been like this and whatever it is about me that contributes to dysfunction in relationships. It's horrid. I would so like loving trusting easy relationship. With fun and emotions that can be held by each other.
Bliss
X
I wonder if in these early days of SL he was telling me things more truthfully or whether they were all muddled stories. He spoke of love with the woman in Romania but also refers to his girlfriend which could have seemed liek the same person but also another, then the relationship with someone in the US was muddled in as well. Gosh it was a real mish mash of all the women I think.
JH - you didn't eve need to be anything than straight forward - I was content simply to be your slave. You took things to another level. And spun stories.
I wonder whether you can ever get all this straight in your head to be honest with yourself and another human being and the Universe. It will be essential if you want to learn and grow - if you are not ready then so be it. It will continue. I hope not for your own and others sake. Innocent passers by do not deserve to be hurt. Although I have my part in it. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe.
The strange encounter we started with should really have menat a lot more. I always did wonder from the beginning the amount of time and years you had been on SL and similar and how that had impacted your marriage and your children. I pondered over this but chose to ignore it because I was falling in love with the you you presented to me.
I am writing this tog et it all out in the open for myself - noone else's benefit. I am sure there are clearer explanations from JH. But it is all so muddled I would never get things really clear because the stories have altered as time has gone on. EVen the things that I saw in October. JH did tell me about havings exual encounters over the SL or Internet - not much difference in JUne and July. Well b y that time we were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. I never did say anything different. As a slave that's what I would have been but I said that I only wanted to be in a monogamous relaitonship if it was anything else. If he loved me wouldn;t he have actually respected and honoured this. And yet he claimed that he was and he wasn't. Can this be considered love?
This is all hurt and anger exuding - gradually clearing out of my system. I hope it clears sooner than later because the hurting makes me ultra sensitive.
So much so that I am ill. It is horrid to be so hurt. I would not wish this on any single person in the world.
Rantings.
I wrote this weeks ago but didn't post it for some reason. Never to waste words it is now posted. A lot has altered in my psyche since writing this. I am relieved to feel differently. Thank goodness for Step work invested in creating awareness and steps to fall back on.
The furiosity is with myself - and also thinking and writing helps me to come to terms with the stages of loss - which are DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE.
I am coming to more understanding and acceptance. Nevertheless I feel incredibly sad (pain) but less and less angry. I also do a bit of bargaining which actually I realise I feel shame about as I don;t really talk much about that.
I start with the earlier feelings at the bottom and work upwards with newer thoughts and feelings ...
Well I have called Stuart and left a message on his answer machine but he has not called back. This scares me more and more. I cannot bear the thought of being rejected by him. He has brought me so far. He has never been unreliable in the past .......? If he doesn't call back by Monday I will try again and leave a message to say how concerned I am. I don;t even like writing this as it leaves me vulnerable to anyone reading it. People make judgements from peoples actions - that's all we have to read what's going on. I am terrified by him not instantly replying - he may be away, he may be busy, he runs workshops that start on Fridays and run all weekend - I called at some silly evening hour yesterday -
I feel very fragile.
I also think this now ....
oh blimey my head hurts I am going to have a break and a tablet. More later .......
Phew good to share. Release of pressure from pain
Oh and I see a process in me about the need for constant access to people. Not necessarily being with physically but a need to be in contact and JH was a person who fulfilled that. Thus something I recognise in me from years ago. Difficult to be alone yet to be on my own in that. Difficult to put into words right now or understand what is underneath. Want to have courage to contact Stuart.
Want to have courage to say to JH absolutely no way forward for me with him - but also this is not what I want - there is a way just as we are. Me accepting there is no commitment from JH within the circumstances he is in or whatever it is - he just doesn't see us as compatible for him - a million possible reasons - there is someone else now - blah blah blah
But don't want to go the harsh route of no contact
Instead be certain myself and maintain boundaries then if he is not OK with that he may show it's not really friendship for him or maybe he would be OK with it and maintain merely friendship
Awaiting client for assessment. Lots of anxiety for me with this part of my job. Always used to get anxious when interviewing. Similar. And we need clients desperately! So it matters.
Having some clear observations of self but some of what is underlying is not so obvious yet.
Grr(at thinking )- he enters my thoughts as soon as I stop for 1 moment - anger sad longing bargaining self blame!
The anger I feel also involves ugly pride. Wanting to know if he is intriguing with others. Wanting ti know because then it is right that nothing between him and I was more than a game for him. Which then hurts. Wanting any new victim to know - ruin his fun! Or destruction of someone else. Just torture. Sad that I kept receiving lies and then believing but not being able to trust. Angry with HP - why did I have to go through this? I know really not to blame. I chose to try and accept. I do blame JH for lying because he did. But I enabled him to keep lying - I am not a person who can accept it lightly - too insecure. Some people I guess would be secure enough not to mind so much. I just need to accept him as him and me as me and on that very fundamental level it's not compatible
Which is so sad as on so many other levels I really really like him. Accept accept accept. Whether it was what he implied it was or not between us - it was really lovely. I wanted a committed relationship but that's not how it is and not really certain what JH wanted.
Grief- ANGER! Feeling angry and blaming of JH. Grrrrrrrr at all the thinking and feelings - make them go away. I don't really blame JH and it just fuels the pain I feel. Anger easier than sadness as it hurts so much. Then hurting and sad at loss and the little me who has no one special and to look after me at times and treat me special. Sad that it's always been like this and whatever it is about me that contributes to dysfunction in relationships. It's horrid. I would so like loving trusting easy relationship. With fun and emotions that can be held by each other.
Bliss
X
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