What a horrid week at work - addiction had a grasp I have rarely witnessed on this one man. Enmeshed with his wife to the extent that they together will kill him. My gosh! People do not see how codependency kills. It's so subtle. It will be the drink that finally does it but it will be the codependency that will drive him to take the drink. This is NEVER OK. It acts as a strong reminder to me the power of the disorder. It kills!
I was exhausted through trying too hard! I feel relief he has gone and guilty for feeling relief but we had to stick rigidly to boundaries. I feel sad that he has one too. Fearful.
I dreamt about the clients last night. But I woke up feeling sick and guilty. I am not sure what caused me to dream that I took one of the clients to his home. (This never ever happens.) I met his wife and was aware his children were there too. He and I then slept there overnight but I was in his bed!!!!! It was not sexual. I woke up in my dream with him cuddling me. I was horrified when I woke in reality. The dream went on - I got up and felt dreadful as his wife was in the house even though actually they were not together anymore. Then I was standing around downstairs chatting with his wife and him, all very friendly and jovially when I sensed in the air it wasn't the weekend. I asked what day it was and they said Monday. It was 9.05 am. I then tried to get ready but realised my clothes were not suitable for work. It was a red dress I loved when I was in my early 20's. It was a such a beautiful dress. I was so skinny then :) .I was trying to put it on but knew it was not suitable so miraculously some other tops of mine were there that I could cover the dress bodice with. But I couldn't get them on quickly enough as I was in such a hurry. I had to get the client back too. Then his little daughter walked in and asked if she could be there. All very embarrassing.
Then we were at a river. ML was there trying to negotiate as always a free bee. I have realised how irritating that can be to me. I am pleased she gets lots of things. But when she does she always pushes for the next thing too. I have witnessed people say yes but not looking happy about it. (This is not dream by the way). It's odd because she is so self conscious in many ways but then the opposite when it comes to things like this. She says well it is their responsibility to say no. I have mentioned in the past that I think she pushes people too far and they are less willing later. Its no big deal but its interesting to observe why I get irritated. I wondered if I am jealous. I don't think so but it's a possibility. I must admit I don't like the idea of being jealous, it's such an ugly emotion or drives ugly behaviour unless very very aware of it. Maybe I am jealous of her courage to ask. Although it just seems rude and taking advantage of already extreme generosity. I would like to clarify that it's not the initial negotiations for something. It's about once having got people to agree on something she then pushes for more. I think I feel that it's taking advantage of niceness an a bit of the killer instinct having found what could be a weakness of generosity then making use of it.
Anyway back to my dream. So we were at this river with ML negotiating with a man who ran a very cheap and makeshift ferry. She wanted some space or something for storage I think. Then I saw JG. We were all talking including the client. When I said to JG Oh No! You are here too!!! We are both late. And I hadn't phoned PD. I phone him well in advance in reality when I am running late. So the fact that I hadn't phoned and my clothes and my guilt of having slept in the bed with the client - oh it was a horrible, horrible feeling.
It was the overwhelming feeling I would get with the chaos when I was using or acting out. I would get what I wanted but there was a high price to pay of mess that I would try to sort out with cover up stories and lies.
In my dream of course I fancied this man. And goodness knows how we ended up at his house, that part of my dream has long gone. But having got what I clearly wanted there was all this mess. And I could feel the shame and guilt but was feeling it not identifying it.
At that point, leaving all of us standing by the river, I woke up. And that's just how it feels that I have woken up leaving all of them there. It's odd. I have woken observing the guilt and shame. I have wondered if I have an attraction to the client now. I like him very much indeed as a person. He is a very sensitive and gentle man. He is growing in awareness with everyday and realising in a painful way the impact of his drinking on his family whom he loves incredibly. But I do not in anyway fancy him. He is also incredibly intelligent which is always interesting to encounter. It's always so important to acknowledge if there is an attraction to any client so that the boundaries can be continually reinforced. I hope never to end up in a situation like IC. That has been so destructive for him and for her. And I have seen it in others. Frequently clients believe they love, but of course there's a lot of dysfunction in that very situation.
For some reason his particular dreams seems very relevant but why I do not know.
I think I a feeling quite fragile. The work has been really tough this week. And whilst I have been driven a little bonkers by client a I am also picking up all this sensitivity from client b and feeling for him. I am not sure when he has ever been able to allow himself to feel. He is very depressed too. I also assessed a young girl already being so deeply affected by sex and love addiction. When I described her behaviours to her, she was shocked that I knew her so well - her highs and the deeply painful lows. She is so beautiful and charming and youthful I truly hope she decides to come in for treatment because she can have the chance to arrest this now and not live the rest of her life through the agony of escalating love addiction. It kills! She deserves to learn how to love herself now. And then enjoy the rest of her life, free.
Yes I think I am feeling a lot of weight of this illness.
Studying today. I do feel a real need for some interesting socialising.
I will see friends tomorrow and an evening of fun is planned. And I may visit another friend this evening or go to a meeting I am not sure which. It is a beautifully sunny morning so I will take a walk amongst the trees now.
Watch her disappear Tom Waits
Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming of you
And from a window across the lawn I watched you undress
Wearing your sunset of purple tightly woven around your hair
That rose in strangled ebony curls
Moving in a yellow bedroom light
The air is wet with sound
The faraway yelping of a wounded dog
And the ground is drinking a slow faucet leak
Your house is so soft and fading as it soaks the black summer heat
A light goes on and the door opens
And a yellow cat runs out on the stream of hall light and into the yard
A wooden cherry scent is faintly breathing the air
I hear your champagne laugh
You wear two lavender orchids
One in your hair and one on your hip
A string of yellow carnival lights comes on with the dusk
Circling the lake with a slowly dipping halo
And I hear a banjo tango
And you dance into the shadow of a black poplar tree
And I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
The other night I dreamt of my mum. I do;t knw where we were but she was sitting in an armchair and I was next to her but on the floor. I had my arm next to ehrs on the arm of the chair and I could feel her skin on my skin. I like the feel of my mum's soft skin. I said to her that I was all bloated up and couldn't bear it. She said " Iam too and everyone is here, look". I felt extreme angst at not being understood that whilst it was OK for everyone to be the same but I just am not used to it or liking it or wanting to get used to it. I shouted at my mum it's horrid and not OK. I woke up. I like meeting my mum in my dreams. I asked her to look after my cousin. It was a weird dream though. I never meet her in dreams, it;s always in a nowhere type place - nothing else happening, just really me with her. Usually I don't remember what we have spoken about.
It;s a while since I have met wth her. I am grateful for the opportunity. I miss her nonetheless and shed a tear for her.
Bliss
X
I was exhausted through trying too hard! I feel relief he has gone and guilty for feeling relief but we had to stick rigidly to boundaries. I feel sad that he has one too. Fearful.
I dreamt about the clients last night. But I woke up feeling sick and guilty. I am not sure what caused me to dream that I took one of the clients to his home. (This never ever happens.) I met his wife and was aware his children were there too. He and I then slept there overnight but I was in his bed!!!!! It was not sexual. I woke up in my dream with him cuddling me. I was horrified when I woke in reality. The dream went on - I got up and felt dreadful as his wife was in the house even though actually they were not together anymore. Then I was standing around downstairs chatting with his wife and him, all very friendly and jovially when I sensed in the air it wasn't the weekend. I asked what day it was and they said Monday. It was 9.05 am. I then tried to get ready but realised my clothes were not suitable for work. It was a red dress I loved when I was in my early 20's. It was a such a beautiful dress. I was so skinny then :) .I was trying to put it on but knew it was not suitable so miraculously some other tops of mine were there that I could cover the dress bodice with. But I couldn't get them on quickly enough as I was in such a hurry. I had to get the client back too. Then his little daughter walked in and asked if she could be there. All very embarrassing.
Then we were at a river. ML was there trying to negotiate as always a free bee. I have realised how irritating that can be to me. I am pleased she gets lots of things. But when she does she always pushes for the next thing too. I have witnessed people say yes but not looking happy about it. (This is not dream by the way). It's odd because she is so self conscious in many ways but then the opposite when it comes to things like this. She says well it is their responsibility to say no. I have mentioned in the past that I think she pushes people too far and they are less willing later. Its no big deal but its interesting to observe why I get irritated. I wondered if I am jealous. I don't think so but it's a possibility. I must admit I don't like the idea of being jealous, it's such an ugly emotion or drives ugly behaviour unless very very aware of it. Maybe I am jealous of her courage to ask. Although it just seems rude and taking advantage of already extreme generosity. I would like to clarify that it's not the initial negotiations for something. It's about once having got people to agree on something she then pushes for more. I think I feel that it's taking advantage of niceness an a bit of the killer instinct having found what could be a weakness of generosity then making use of it.
Anyway back to my dream. So we were at this river with ML negotiating with a man who ran a very cheap and makeshift ferry. She wanted some space or something for storage I think. Then I saw JG. We were all talking including the client. When I said to JG Oh No! You are here too!!! We are both late. And I hadn't phoned PD. I phone him well in advance in reality when I am running late. So the fact that I hadn't phoned and my clothes and my guilt of having slept in the bed with the client - oh it was a horrible, horrible feeling.
It was the overwhelming feeling I would get with the chaos when I was using or acting out. I would get what I wanted but there was a high price to pay of mess that I would try to sort out with cover up stories and lies.
In my dream of course I fancied this man. And goodness knows how we ended up at his house, that part of my dream has long gone. But having got what I clearly wanted there was all this mess. And I could feel the shame and guilt but was feeling it not identifying it.
At that point, leaving all of us standing by the river, I woke up. And that's just how it feels that I have woken up leaving all of them there. It's odd. I have woken observing the guilt and shame. I have wondered if I have an attraction to the client now. I like him very much indeed as a person. He is a very sensitive and gentle man. He is growing in awareness with everyday and realising in a painful way the impact of his drinking on his family whom he loves incredibly. But I do not in anyway fancy him. He is also incredibly intelligent which is always interesting to encounter. It's always so important to acknowledge if there is an attraction to any client so that the boundaries can be continually reinforced. I hope never to end up in a situation like IC. That has been so destructive for him and for her. And I have seen it in others. Frequently clients believe they love, but of course there's a lot of dysfunction in that very situation.
For some reason his particular dreams seems very relevant but why I do not know.
I think I a feeling quite fragile. The work has been really tough this week. And whilst I have been driven a little bonkers by client a I am also picking up all this sensitivity from client b and feeling for him. I am not sure when he has ever been able to allow himself to feel. He is very depressed too. I also assessed a young girl already being so deeply affected by sex and love addiction. When I described her behaviours to her, she was shocked that I knew her so well - her highs and the deeply painful lows. She is so beautiful and charming and youthful I truly hope she decides to come in for treatment because she can have the chance to arrest this now and not live the rest of her life through the agony of escalating love addiction. It kills! She deserves to learn how to love herself now. And then enjoy the rest of her life, free.
Yes I think I am feeling a lot of weight of this illness.
Studying today. I do feel a real need for some interesting socialising.
I will see friends tomorrow and an evening of fun is planned. And I may visit another friend this evening or go to a meeting I am not sure which. It is a beautifully sunny morning so I will take a walk amongst the trees now.
Watch her disappear Tom Waits
Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming of you
And from a window across the lawn I watched you undress
Wearing your sunset of purple tightly woven around your hair
That rose in strangled ebony curls
Moving in a yellow bedroom light
The air is wet with sound
The faraway yelping of a wounded dog
And the ground is drinking a slow faucet leak
Your house is so soft and fading as it soaks the black summer heat
A light goes on and the door opens
And a yellow cat runs out on the stream of hall light and into the yard
A wooden cherry scent is faintly breathing the air
I hear your champagne laugh
You wear two lavender orchids
One in your hair and one on your hip
A string of yellow carnival lights comes on with the dusk
Circling the lake with a slowly dipping halo
And I hear a banjo tango
And you dance into the shadow of a black poplar tree
And I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
The other night I dreamt of my mum. I do;t knw where we were but she was sitting in an armchair and I was next to her but on the floor. I had my arm next to ehrs on the arm of the chair and I could feel her skin on my skin. I like the feel of my mum's soft skin. I said to her that I was all bloated up and couldn't bear it. She said " Iam too and everyone is here, look". I felt extreme angst at not being understood that whilst it was OK for everyone to be the same but I just am not used to it or liking it or wanting to get used to it. I shouted at my mum it's horrid and not OK. I woke up. I like meeting my mum in my dreams. I asked her to look after my cousin. It was a weird dream though. I never meet her in dreams, it;s always in a nowhere type place - nothing else happening, just really me with her. Usually I don't remember what we have spoken about.
It;s a while since I have met wth her. I am grateful for the opportunity. I miss her nonetheless and shed a tear for her.
Bliss
X
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