Bliss, about your glorious freedom, and that one day soon you will be loved and cherished by a special man... have you considered that once these dreams come to pass, you may become too popular to even grocery shop for yourself?Yeah, your peeps can do it for you.
"Don't forget the chocolate syrup" -
The Universe
Oh my gosh I didn't expect to be signed off again and this time until 9th May. I don't think the shame I feel will permit me to stay away that long. I am loathe to even send the necessary email to PD to advise him. This is just crazy how I am feeling. And it's difficult to allow myself the time necessary to get properly well. And that everyone will be judging me - of course rationally I think that those that judge have no idea what this is actually like. I judge myself harshly and see myself as weak and a failure. But the other side of me, the loving, caring me knows to just be gentle and this is an illness that is real a difficult. I am not bringing it on myself, although I am certain that decisions in the past contribute to mobilising old emotinal and mental difficulties. When I say men tal I am always afraid that people reading this would then think of mentla nutcases. There is still such a stigma. Or mayb e that is my harsh self berating and judgement and there is no stigma at all. Ha! That's rubish - there is a fear and aversion to mental health of any kind. I am depressed, have been suicidal or as SC reminds me I feel murderous and that is all turned in on me.
Funny thing is I am so convincing when I think of the things I want to do. I was really, really convinced that I needed to make contact. After last night and actually standing up and reading my poetry and then people coming to talk to me aftewards - I wanted to share that adrenalin excxitetment with someone who would be pleased for me. I did tell a friend but it's not the same somehow for me as someone special. I guess really I wanted my dad to show some pride in me. But that sort of thing he wouldn't even acknowledge. It's not valid and worthwhile. And so I wanted JH to be proud and exicted with me. Someone to care about me and recognise the achievement. The thing is just as the human being is he, he probably would be able to acknowledge that. JB for example wouldn't although he can acknowledge the academic achievement s I have made. Writing just that shows me that different people have different things that they consider valuable and priorities. It's just having someone to acknowledge what is important to me that would be nice and accepting of me.
Then this morning I was afraid of going to the GP and saying that I am better but not fully and that I wanted more time off. I felt ashamed and again want someone to validate me and make it OK. I sent texts and AM said she would call later. ET phoned off the cuff which was nice and gave me some reassurance about the care for me at work. She also mentioned that she might be signed off for a couple of weeks. More affirmation through others. ANd so I actually had the courage to go and the GP took decisions himself from there. This was a relief, he is taking me seriously and suggesting what needs to be done. I do need him to escalate things with the specialist but was loathe to push that. I will call and ask the receptionist to requesst that he does do that after all. You see I can do these things without needing approval from outside.
The reality is I wouldn't be honest about this anymore with JH anyway. The last time I was honest he started reading up and deciding on a diagnosis. I felt very judged and at risk. A little information is dangerous and rather than dealing with me as simply me I wondered if he had in mind judgements from "mental health" issues. Yuch! How violated I feel having allowed myself to be so open. Some people misuse information. I am not sure JH did but I am not sure he didn't either. His behaviours have left me with a real distrust. I am sure he would hate that, but then he wanted to make me the problem too I think rather than look at himself. He made me not the compatible one with him.
I can see it both sides.
Anyway - I know that it would be possible at some time to be a friend with JH but right now I am not certain it would be OK as I am so vulnerable so I just need not to. That may change tomorrow but for today - no.
Vulnerable? Because I feel such love still and it is not reciprocated. I just have to keep allowing myself to grieve and let go, grieve and let go, let go, let go.
It's mixed up thought this love. Because I feel love for sme elements. I still do not love the parts that are dishonest and does not want monogamy.
I am dreaming alot. Vivid dreams. IN the early hours of the morning yesterday, people from my younger years were walking into a tented area and sitting at a big outdoor table/bench. NS was the main person I remember. I was wondering why they were walking bac into my life. They were sitting there chatting and I could feel myself with that sense of being on the outside and seperate. I never did feel the same as everybody else but was trying to be so that I would be accepted.
This monring I had a dream too - it's slipped out of my memory. And yet I have been thinking about during the day.
Well my plan was to to go to the temple again for the meditation this evening. AB and I walked longer than expected. My gosh it was even hotter today. Lovely.
We saw cowslips ... they are so rare they are protected now. GB says she has seen wild orchids there too. I hope we get to see them sometime soon.
The point I was going to make, more importantly, is that somehow I changed my plans. I ended up at the SLAA meeting. The reading was so relevant - it couldn't have been better if it was planned. I was concerned at the health of the meeting. But there is a meeting and I was able to share.
I need to get myself more involved once again. The reading even talked about setting up a new meeting, which I have been contemplating off and on. ML says she would be interested if I di although she wouldn't be involved in the setting up. There is K too she might be interested and get involved too. Well I will research a venue. I keep moaning that there isn't the variety of meetings and so now is an opportunity to do something about that. Perhaps CoDA might get underway too. Who knows .....
The meeting was helpful - I cried at the sadness I feel, I shared the frustration I feel with self, the despair, the disappointment of the relationship turning out the way it did, I shared the madness that has ensued and the grief too. And now I need to put some work in and stick with it. Commitment even when I don't necessarily feel up to it. That is something I wanted in JH - standstill, don't run and work through things which requires change. However, he didn't want to change things to stay committed to me. He is committed in other things. And that is so so sad.
I also shared just a little about my dad. How I would love to have a different relationship with him but this is the one I have. It's not all good.
I read my poems last evening. I am still surprised - when asked what had inspired me to read out, I really don't know. The reception seemed good - I was given a gift of someone elses poem. Someone wanted to sit quietly and re-read one and said that it really resonated for them. Someone else referred to a line of one of my poems and used it in their own way. The guest poet came over and was very encouraging. And two other poets were encouraging me to sahre more of my poems. People were very enthusiastic. It's such a weird little mix of people. I feel I have written this now twice - oh well
Very tired now - it's the end of the day - added to this in bits and pieces through the day. Lots to say and nothing coming out today
"Don't forget the chocolate syrup" -
The Universe
Oh my gosh I didn't expect to be signed off again and this time until 9th May. I don't think the shame I feel will permit me to stay away that long. I am loathe to even send the necessary email to PD to advise him. This is just crazy how I am feeling. And it's difficult to allow myself the time necessary to get properly well. And that everyone will be judging me - of course rationally I think that those that judge have no idea what this is actually like. I judge myself harshly and see myself as weak and a failure. But the other side of me, the loving, caring me knows to just be gentle and this is an illness that is real a difficult. I am not bringing it on myself, although I am certain that decisions in the past contribute to mobilising old emotinal and mental difficulties. When I say men tal I am always afraid that people reading this would then think of mentla nutcases. There is still such a stigma. Or mayb e that is my harsh self berating and judgement and there is no stigma at all. Ha! That's rubish - there is a fear and aversion to mental health of any kind. I am depressed, have been suicidal or as SC reminds me I feel murderous and that is all turned in on me.
Funny thing is I am so convincing when I think of the things I want to do. I was really, really convinced that I needed to make contact. After last night and actually standing up and reading my poetry and then people coming to talk to me aftewards - I wanted to share that adrenalin excxitetment with someone who would be pleased for me. I did tell a friend but it's not the same somehow for me as someone special. I guess really I wanted my dad to show some pride in me. But that sort of thing he wouldn't even acknowledge. It's not valid and worthwhile. And so I wanted JH to be proud and exicted with me. Someone to care about me and recognise the achievement. The thing is just as the human being is he, he probably would be able to acknowledge that. JB for example wouldn't although he can acknowledge the academic achievement s I have made. Writing just that shows me that different people have different things that they consider valuable and priorities. It's just having someone to acknowledge what is important to me that would be nice and accepting of me.
Then this morning I was afraid of going to the GP and saying that I am better but not fully and that I wanted more time off. I felt ashamed and again want someone to validate me and make it OK. I sent texts and AM said she would call later. ET phoned off the cuff which was nice and gave me some reassurance about the care for me at work. She also mentioned that she might be signed off for a couple of weeks. More affirmation through others. ANd so I actually had the courage to go and the GP took decisions himself from there. This was a relief, he is taking me seriously and suggesting what needs to be done. I do need him to escalate things with the specialist but was loathe to push that. I will call and ask the receptionist to requesst that he does do that after all. You see I can do these things without needing approval from outside.
The reality is I wouldn't be honest about this anymore with JH anyway. The last time I was honest he started reading up and deciding on a diagnosis. I felt very judged and at risk. A little information is dangerous and rather than dealing with me as simply me I wondered if he had in mind judgements from "mental health" issues. Yuch! How violated I feel having allowed myself to be so open. Some people misuse information. I am not sure JH did but I am not sure he didn't either. His behaviours have left me with a real distrust. I am sure he would hate that, but then he wanted to make me the problem too I think rather than look at himself. He made me not the compatible one with him.
I can see it both sides.
Anyway - I know that it would be possible at some time to be a friend with JH but right now I am not certain it would be OK as I am so vulnerable so I just need not to. That may change tomorrow but for today - no.
Vulnerable? Because I feel such love still and it is not reciprocated. I just have to keep allowing myself to grieve and let go, grieve and let go, let go, let go.
It's mixed up thought this love. Because I feel love for sme elements. I still do not love the parts that are dishonest and does not want monogamy.
I am dreaming alot. Vivid dreams. IN the early hours of the morning yesterday, people from my younger years were walking into a tented area and sitting at a big outdoor table/bench. NS was the main person I remember. I was wondering why they were walking bac into my life. They were sitting there chatting and I could feel myself with that sense of being on the outside and seperate. I never did feel the same as everybody else but was trying to be so that I would be accepted.
This monring I had a dream too - it's slipped out of my memory. And yet I have been thinking about during the day.
Well my plan was to to go to the temple again for the meditation this evening. AB and I walked longer than expected. My gosh it was even hotter today. Lovely.
We saw cowslips ... they are so rare they are protected now. GB says she has seen wild orchids there too. I hope we get to see them sometime soon.
The point I was going to make, more importantly, is that somehow I changed my plans. I ended up at the SLAA meeting. The reading was so relevant - it couldn't have been better if it was planned. I was concerned at the health of the meeting. But there is a meeting and I was able to share.
I need to get myself more involved once again. The reading even talked about setting up a new meeting, which I have been contemplating off and on. ML says she would be interested if I di although she wouldn't be involved in the setting up. There is K too she might be interested and get involved too. Well I will research a venue. I keep moaning that there isn't the variety of meetings and so now is an opportunity to do something about that. Perhaps CoDA might get underway too. Who knows .....
The meeting was helpful - I cried at the sadness I feel, I shared the frustration I feel with self, the despair, the disappointment of the relationship turning out the way it did, I shared the madness that has ensued and the grief too. And now I need to put some work in and stick with it. Commitment even when I don't necessarily feel up to it. That is something I wanted in JH - standstill, don't run and work through things which requires change. However, he didn't want to change things to stay committed to me. He is committed in other things. And that is so so sad.
I also shared just a little about my dad. How I would love to have a different relationship with him but this is the one I have. It's not all good.
I read my poems last evening. I am still surprised - when asked what had inspired me to read out, I really don't know. The reception seemed good - I was given a gift of someone elses poem. Someone wanted to sit quietly and re-read one and said that it really resonated for them. Someone else referred to a line of one of my poems and used it in their own way. The guest poet came over and was very encouraging. And two other poets were encouraging me to sahre more of my poems. People were very enthusiastic. It's such a weird little mix of people. I feel I have written this now twice - oh well
Very tired now - it's the end of the day - added to this in bits and pieces through the day. Lots to say and nothing coming out today
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