Friend, please tell me what I can do about this world
I hold to, and keep spinning out!
I gave up sewn clothes, and wore a robe,
but I noticed one day the cloth was well woven.
So I bought some burlap, but I still
throw it elegantly over my left shoulder.
I pulled back my sexual longings,
and now I discover that I'm angry a lot.
I gave up rage, and now I notice
that I am greedy all day.
I worked hard at dissolving the greed,
and now I am proud of myself.
When the mind wants to break its link with the world
it still holds on to one thing.
Kabir says: Listen my friend,
there are very few that find the path!
Well I would like to be one of those people. How this relates to me.
I am unsure of the order of things but I am guessing that I feel the hole in my soul. That takes the form of the grief that results from not having the father I have wanted. Or I feel the rage of a little girl that has been violated. No one will understand that unless they have been sexually abused. The rage is so powerful that I turned that rage into eroticised sex and the grief has been a lifetime of needy relationships. Otherwise the rage turns into overeating, but then I have in the past kept that in control through first anorexia or bulimia. When the anorexia or bulimia has worked then I feel a confidence that is ego based and the the relationships start up again. In between there has been the use of alcohol and drugs but mainly to ease the conscience of my self disgust. The rage you see turns inwards.
I seem to put my toe on a path and then think I am better and off it all starts again. I am desperate.
I am raging deep inside me - raging at me.
Pissed off at having been duped by JH - last time I will mention him is here and now. I will take this business elsewhere. I need to take it to SLAA. Pissed off mainly with myself because I knew it yet didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe his lies instead because I want to be loved.
So I have an apoointment with SC for next Thursday. There is even more of a chance of getting to USA. I think I will try and start an SLAA meeting locally. I know it's not about the other person and ALL about me. It's just so damned difficult to stay focused on that at the moment. So stricter measures are required. I do feel sad and concerned for the next vulnerable women that will be duped by him and many like him. Especially on SL - it is a playground for middle aged unwell men. I am pissed at him for being one although of course he would tell everyone differently. A little part of me is saying don;t write that because if he reads it ever then there will be no chance of friendship. Well I am thinking it and writing it because it's in my head and better out than in. I need a reference point because I forget so easily.
Everything is written, nothing is lost and then as wellness sets in, hopefully I will be able to see the error of my ways when it's possible to see. So if he is offended - there is nothing I can do. Sorry to him. Hope you might some day look at your own behaviour. Please try to find a conscience and don't lie to vulnerable women - be a good man instead.
I am still ambivalent - an you believe it. I am on my knees with this stuff and yet I am thinking that it sounds horrid to be a sex and love addict.
God I felt the rage escalate in me last night. Food in order, but dabbling in contact with men - RRRRRRAGE!. I eroticised the rage and felt so sad for me. And then there are men who without knowing it half the time are seeking that out. When will I stop?
I didn't like the feel of the SLAA meeting last night but then again I could be understanding of others situations. It feels sleazy because it is flipping sleazy. We are talking about acting out and feeling ashamed about it yet unable to stop. And there are so few people with any sound recovery because this is all so new really. I am never even sure what recovery is.
I so need to get to Bedford and Melissa. I am grateful to SC opening the door last Friday. The difficulty is now that I am topsy turvy with the frigging emotions.
I feel so much rage - towards all the fucking abusive men who have entered my life. And the abuse in various forms. I know it's not about them but it is too. I wasn't innocent and don't try to pretend I have been - except with my father. But FUCK! They have their part and I am allowed to feel angry. All I ever wanted was to be loved. All I ever got was abuse really - spiritual abuse in the form of dishonesty and secrecy (most recently), physical abuse in the form of beating and violent sex, mental abuse - well the torture of knowing there are lies and secrets and the pretence of love, emotional abuse in the form of offering control and dependency in the form of love. FUCK! I know a lot of it's unconscious but a lot isn't too. And I am raging about it. I can't stop it even though I know I have to only take my inventory. The rage is the old stuff and I need to place it somewhere because I don't know what it really is or how to manage it.
I want to scream. I can feel the scream from way way down inside me - it feels like a volcano that needs to erupt for the sake of catharsis.
FUCK JH! Please Universe, take care of the people he will be fucking over before me and since me. I am not the messenger nor their keeper. But I pray that you can take care of them and I know it's everyone's personal journey. Please can you ensure that JH has all that makes him truly content in life. Thank you God.
So SLAA it is then. And blow me over with a feather, K phoned this morning. She wanted to talk about her own issues with all of this stuff. ML is interested if I set up a meeting. There is a possibility. I wonder why R is no loner her sponsor? Anyway none of my business except that she said it twice. I will leave it to her to tell me if she needs to. I could hear her controlling that I remember so well. And I was able to listen. She didn't want solutions - just to be heard.
Well I shared with her the Beginners Pack and now I will read it myself.
Off walking this am with AB - she has already delayed it by half an hour. Tee hee. It's much cooler today thought so it's less of an issue.
I need to speak to some friends today about what I have seen.
Man! I am a fool to myself.
Bliss
XX
Universe I want to be free of this stuff. I want to be more in contact with You and feel the spirituality that I know is within me, that is veiled by all of this stuff. I pray that I might be free of the bondage of self and allow You to show me the way. I have faith, I feel trust. I handover to You and I will try to take the steps that are folowing the path that not many find. I truly would like to be on that path and whatever that then throws my way. I hope that I might become wiser and know .....
Please, please help me Universe.
I so need Your help.
I hold to, and keep spinning out!
I gave up sewn clothes, and wore a robe,
but I noticed one day the cloth was well woven.
So I bought some burlap, but I still
throw it elegantly over my left shoulder.
I pulled back my sexual longings,
and now I discover that I'm angry a lot.
I gave up rage, and now I notice
that I am greedy all day.
I worked hard at dissolving the greed,
and now I am proud of myself.
When the mind wants to break its link with the world
it still holds on to one thing.
Kabir says: Listen my friend,
there are very few that find the path!
Well I would like to be one of those people. How this relates to me.
I am unsure of the order of things but I am guessing that I feel the hole in my soul. That takes the form of the grief that results from not having the father I have wanted. Or I feel the rage of a little girl that has been violated. No one will understand that unless they have been sexually abused. The rage is so powerful that I turned that rage into eroticised sex and the grief has been a lifetime of needy relationships. Otherwise the rage turns into overeating, but then I have in the past kept that in control through first anorexia or bulimia. When the anorexia or bulimia has worked then I feel a confidence that is ego based and the the relationships start up again. In between there has been the use of alcohol and drugs but mainly to ease the conscience of my self disgust. The rage you see turns inwards.
I seem to put my toe on a path and then think I am better and off it all starts again. I am desperate.
I am raging deep inside me - raging at me.
Pissed off at having been duped by JH - last time I will mention him is here and now. I will take this business elsewhere. I need to take it to SLAA. Pissed off mainly with myself because I knew it yet didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe his lies instead because I want to be loved.
So I have an apoointment with SC for next Thursday. There is even more of a chance of getting to USA. I think I will try and start an SLAA meeting locally. I know it's not about the other person and ALL about me. It's just so damned difficult to stay focused on that at the moment. So stricter measures are required. I do feel sad and concerned for the next vulnerable women that will be duped by him and many like him. Especially on SL - it is a playground for middle aged unwell men. I am pissed at him for being one although of course he would tell everyone differently. A little part of me is saying don;t write that because if he reads it ever then there will be no chance of friendship. Well I am thinking it and writing it because it's in my head and better out than in. I need a reference point because I forget so easily.
Everything is written, nothing is lost and then as wellness sets in, hopefully I will be able to see the error of my ways when it's possible to see. So if he is offended - there is nothing I can do. Sorry to him. Hope you might some day look at your own behaviour. Please try to find a conscience and don't lie to vulnerable women - be a good man instead.
I am still ambivalent - an you believe it. I am on my knees with this stuff and yet I am thinking that it sounds horrid to be a sex and love addict.
God I felt the rage escalate in me last night. Food in order, but dabbling in contact with men - RRRRRRAGE!. I eroticised the rage and felt so sad for me. And then there are men who without knowing it half the time are seeking that out. When will I stop?
I didn't like the feel of the SLAA meeting last night but then again I could be understanding of others situations. It feels sleazy because it is flipping sleazy. We are talking about acting out and feeling ashamed about it yet unable to stop. And there are so few people with any sound recovery because this is all so new really. I am never even sure what recovery is.
I so need to get to Bedford and Melissa. I am grateful to SC opening the door last Friday. The difficulty is now that I am topsy turvy with the frigging emotions.
I feel so much rage - towards all the fucking abusive men who have entered my life. And the abuse in various forms. I know it's not about them but it is too. I wasn't innocent and don't try to pretend I have been - except with my father. But FUCK! They have their part and I am allowed to feel angry. All I ever wanted was to be loved. All I ever got was abuse really - spiritual abuse in the form of dishonesty and secrecy (most recently), physical abuse in the form of beating and violent sex, mental abuse - well the torture of knowing there are lies and secrets and the pretence of love, emotional abuse in the form of offering control and dependency in the form of love. FUCK! I know a lot of it's unconscious but a lot isn't too. And I am raging about it. I can't stop it even though I know I have to only take my inventory. The rage is the old stuff and I need to place it somewhere because I don't know what it really is or how to manage it.
I want to scream. I can feel the scream from way way down inside me - it feels like a volcano that needs to erupt for the sake of catharsis.
FUCK JH! Please Universe, take care of the people he will be fucking over before me and since me. I am not the messenger nor their keeper. But I pray that you can take care of them and I know it's everyone's personal journey. Please can you ensure that JH has all that makes him truly content in life. Thank you God.
So SLAA it is then. And blow me over with a feather, K phoned this morning. She wanted to talk about her own issues with all of this stuff. ML is interested if I set up a meeting. There is a possibility. I wonder why R is no loner her sponsor? Anyway none of my business except that she said it twice. I will leave it to her to tell me if she needs to. I could hear her controlling that I remember so well. And I was able to listen. She didn't want solutions - just to be heard.
Well I shared with her the Beginners Pack and now I will read it myself.
Off walking this am with AB - she has already delayed it by half an hour. Tee hee. It's much cooler today thought so it's less of an issue.
I need to speak to some friends today about what I have seen.
Man! I am a fool to myself.
Bliss
XX
Universe I want to be free of this stuff. I want to be more in contact with You and feel the spirituality that I know is within me, that is veiled by all of this stuff. I pray that I might be free of the bondage of self and allow You to show me the way. I have faith, I feel trust. I handover to You and I will try to take the steps that are folowing the path that not many find. I truly would like to be on that path and whatever that then throws my way. I hope that I might become wiser and know .....
Please, please help me Universe.
I so need Your help.
No comments:
Post a Comment