That's me.
So often the little girl is the loudest voice in me.
I have seen too how that little girl can manifest in many ways - of course it is me today, but there are certainly learnt behaviours that are stuckness. That is not English by the way.
I saw how the temptress or teenage seductress appears - very manipulative. I want something! And a sort of devlish energy appears. Wild and as if totally carefree. Then there is the very little girl, maybe about 5 is how I envisage her. She just wants to be loved and cuddled safely. Just to be really wrapped in love for being. That is a sort of softer and girly manifestation. There is also an excited little girl, wowed b the world. But then there is a another teenager who worldy and knowing and alert to danger, not trusting and cynical. There are undoubtedly more - younger I feel too. But all these live on - stuck. I have to flipping well learn how to aprent myself because no one else has been able to. My mum loved me, of that I have no doubt. She was unavailable a lot of the time though. She did cuddle me safely in that moment. But she was not very encouraging of me and her absence I think whilst giving me independance also left me to been grown up far too soon. And then my dad, I don't think he did the best he could. He was abusive - sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually. It was the best he was capabable ot but that was not OK. I think there is some part of him that loves me. I just want him to love me safely and with healthy boundaries. Limits from my parents to contain me - never have been there. There were restraints that linited me but not containment.
So here I am trying to learn about me - really beginning to see my anger and rage. I find it ugly because I was always told it was ugly. And then when I saw my dad's anger it was terrifying and disgusting. So I have believed it is not OK to be angry.
I have a lot to be furious about and now need to allow myself to feel it but not act out on it. It's so subtle at times I don't even realise I am talking myself into acting out. How convincing I am too!!
So far I have managed to avoid doing anythig - whether it could be healthy or not it is too risky.
Phew it takes a lot of efffort to follow the narrow path. It is the trudge they talk about at times. The trudge to happy destiny - but along the way there is such a lot of wonder to see and take in. How easy temptation can flow in.
Bliss
XX
So often the little girl is the loudest voice in me.
I have seen too how that little girl can manifest in many ways - of course it is me today, but there are certainly learnt behaviours that are stuckness. That is not English by the way.
I saw how the temptress or teenage seductress appears - very manipulative. I want something! And a sort of devlish energy appears. Wild and as if totally carefree. Then there is the very little girl, maybe about 5 is how I envisage her. She just wants to be loved and cuddled safely. Just to be really wrapped in love for being. That is a sort of softer and girly manifestation. There is also an excited little girl, wowed b the world. But then there is a another teenager who worldy and knowing and alert to danger, not trusting and cynical. There are undoubtedly more - younger I feel too. But all these live on - stuck. I have to flipping well learn how to aprent myself because no one else has been able to. My mum loved me, of that I have no doubt. She was unavailable a lot of the time though. She did cuddle me safely in that moment. But she was not very encouraging of me and her absence I think whilst giving me independance also left me to been grown up far too soon. And then my dad, I don't think he did the best he could. He was abusive - sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually. It was the best he was capabable ot but that was not OK. I think there is some part of him that loves me. I just want him to love me safely and with healthy boundaries. Limits from my parents to contain me - never have been there. There were restraints that linited me but not containment.
So here I am trying to learn about me - really beginning to see my anger and rage. I find it ugly because I was always told it was ugly. And then when I saw my dad's anger it was terrifying and disgusting. So I have believed it is not OK to be angry.
I have a lot to be furious about and now need to allow myself to feel it but not act out on it. It's so subtle at times I don't even realise I am talking myself into acting out. How convincing I am too!!
So far I have managed to avoid doing anythig - whether it could be healthy or not it is too risky.
Phew it takes a lot of efffort to follow the narrow path. It is the trudge they talk about at times. The trudge to happy destiny - but along the way there is such a lot of wonder to see and take in. How easy temptation can flow in.
Bliss
XX
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