If you wish to becone enlightened in a few days, it would be too presumtuous. It is very important to apply sustained effort, like the continual flowing of a stream.
Quote from the Dalai Lama
The difficulty is as a human being applying the ffort like a continual stream. I find that when there is "pain" and I get back into the flow I benefit and thigns change for the better. I am inspired and excited by the learnign and the growth that comes through this effort. IN true addict style, I can get very wrapped up in the effort and the teachings themself I can make the HIgher Power or in other words, I can get out of balance and forget to do all the other things in life as well that contribute to my well being. I can make the teachings so overly important and expect to get all my needs met from them. So it's important to incorporate the teachings and practice as a part of my daily life, whilst ensuring I bring my principles into every area of my life.
There is another problem though. After a while I can get bored and want a different kind of excitement. I can easily trick myself into justifying it too. But that may be explained later.
I sometimes refer to this process within me as a little devil or addiction or similar. With Bi-polar within me I can also see how it's something that triggers off. It doesn't really matter what is is that happens deep inside me. The important thing is to become better at recognising it and stay close to the supportive friends I trust. There are not so many but there are enough. It's a powerful force. It grows strong within me and then temptation is greater than the desire to stay close to fellowships, friends, the flow of the river.
I recognise that during 2009 I was beginning to get the "itch". Having been single for a while and worked HARD on the CODA steps and growth of self I told myself it was time to put the learning into practice within a relationship. A few life events then created the possibility to pursue that desire. I was ill with Swine Flu, I watched a DVD about happiness which mentioned SecondLife. SL had been mentioned in a lecture earlier in the year connected with my degree. And years previously I was working as a student therapist and emcountered for the first time addiction in the form of virtual worlds. Temptation was growing. I entered SecondLife and many many triggers were set off. Behaviour that I didn't like from the off but in my enjoyment of SL and partially wishing to make amends in line with the flow of the river I stayed. Gradually the spiritual path was dwindled away and yet I was thinking I was being spiritual until I got involved 100%. My wants were being met and I fell for the feeling of love and being loved. All of this then became my HP. I believed in my investment and yet principles were also pounding away.
I was aware I was not spending time with my friends. I was working but was also very distracted. I was not attending meetings or practicing steps etc. I was thinking I was following interests such as creative flows etc but they were involved with and entirely wrapped up with JH. I swung from the "good" to entirely "desire". This does not undermine all the feelings I had or shared or encountered. It is looking at it with the defective parts of the process.
So I swing between all or nothing to something else being all.
I am afraid of this itch, this boredom, this energy burst within me. I love it when I am "in" it. It brings adventure and experiences out of the normal zone. BUT it is usually destructive on the other side of it.
I need to find a way to be able to keep in with the rivers flow ........
This doesn't mean I have to miss out on the way of life and might include any number of the things that I think I would like, not least to be in a mutually loving relationship where we are in love and intimate including sexually intimate. But when that desire becomes triggered by the itch, it takes over as a driving force. It's just one example but a regular feature. And then afterwards I am re-traumatised and require periods of time gathering back together.
It is not the only process that goes on within me. I am wholesome and rounded therefore lots of things are going on. But it is one and one that I pray I will be able to be more aware of and be guided differently how to manage without the total loss and devastation that ensues.
Bliss
XX
Think I am having difficulty publicising that I have been diagnosed once again with Bi-polar. It is not the first time and actually I agree with it. I know it's mild and I know I have managed it at different times. I was interested that the psychiatrist talked about Bi-polar linked with trauma at a yound age and the re-traumatising through experiences in life. SC refers to re-traumatising and I see it.
It's manageable with drugs but I do not want them. They are very debilitating.
I am concerned how people make judgements a write people off when dioagnosed with anything. Boxed and lids shut tight.
I look forward to a world where everyone and every type can be embraced. Labels are potentially devastating! Well those people that want to avoid will and there is nothing I can do about this. The thing is I can get help through the label too and the characteristics help me to get some personal clarity and management tools. I would like to have some contact with Stephen Fry. I get such grandiose ideas. Ha ha - why should he want any contact with me when there are so many people diganosed and managing. I am one in many!
ML thinks she is similar.
Bliss
XX
Quote from the Dalai Lama
The difficulty is as a human being applying the ffort like a continual stream. I find that when there is "pain" and I get back into the flow I benefit and thigns change for the better. I am inspired and excited by the learnign and the growth that comes through this effort. IN true addict style, I can get very wrapped up in the effort and the teachings themself I can make the HIgher Power or in other words, I can get out of balance and forget to do all the other things in life as well that contribute to my well being. I can make the teachings so overly important and expect to get all my needs met from them. So it's important to incorporate the teachings and practice as a part of my daily life, whilst ensuring I bring my principles into every area of my life.
There is another problem though. After a while I can get bored and want a different kind of excitement. I can easily trick myself into justifying it too. But that may be explained later.
I sometimes refer to this process within me as a little devil or addiction or similar. With Bi-polar within me I can also see how it's something that triggers off. It doesn't really matter what is is that happens deep inside me. The important thing is to become better at recognising it and stay close to the supportive friends I trust. There are not so many but there are enough. It's a powerful force. It grows strong within me and then temptation is greater than the desire to stay close to fellowships, friends, the flow of the river.
I recognise that during 2009 I was beginning to get the "itch". Having been single for a while and worked HARD on the CODA steps and growth of self I told myself it was time to put the learning into practice within a relationship. A few life events then created the possibility to pursue that desire. I was ill with Swine Flu, I watched a DVD about happiness which mentioned SecondLife. SL had been mentioned in a lecture earlier in the year connected with my degree. And years previously I was working as a student therapist and emcountered for the first time addiction in the form of virtual worlds. Temptation was growing. I entered SecondLife and many many triggers were set off. Behaviour that I didn't like from the off but in my enjoyment of SL and partially wishing to make amends in line with the flow of the river I stayed. Gradually the spiritual path was dwindled away and yet I was thinking I was being spiritual until I got involved 100%. My wants were being met and I fell for the feeling of love and being loved. All of this then became my HP. I believed in my investment and yet principles were also pounding away.
I was aware I was not spending time with my friends. I was working but was also very distracted. I was not attending meetings or practicing steps etc. I was thinking I was following interests such as creative flows etc but they were involved with and entirely wrapped up with JH. I swung from the "good" to entirely "desire". This does not undermine all the feelings I had or shared or encountered. It is looking at it with the defective parts of the process.
So I swing between all or nothing to something else being all.
I am afraid of this itch, this boredom, this energy burst within me. I love it when I am "in" it. It brings adventure and experiences out of the normal zone. BUT it is usually destructive on the other side of it.
I need to find a way to be able to keep in with the rivers flow ........
This doesn't mean I have to miss out on the way of life and might include any number of the things that I think I would like, not least to be in a mutually loving relationship where we are in love and intimate including sexually intimate. But when that desire becomes triggered by the itch, it takes over as a driving force. It's just one example but a regular feature. And then afterwards I am re-traumatised and require periods of time gathering back together.
It is not the only process that goes on within me. I am wholesome and rounded therefore lots of things are going on. But it is one and one that I pray I will be able to be more aware of and be guided differently how to manage without the total loss and devastation that ensues.
Bliss
XX
Think I am having difficulty publicising that I have been diagnosed once again with Bi-polar. It is not the first time and actually I agree with it. I know it's mild and I know I have managed it at different times. I was interested that the psychiatrist talked about Bi-polar linked with trauma at a yound age and the re-traumatising through experiences in life. SC refers to re-traumatising and I see it.
It's manageable with drugs but I do not want them. They are very debilitating.
I am concerned how people make judgements a write people off when dioagnosed with anything. Boxed and lids shut tight.
I look forward to a world where everyone and every type can be embraced. Labels are potentially devastating! Well those people that want to avoid will and there is nothing I can do about this. The thing is I can get help through the label too and the characteristics help me to get some personal clarity and management tools. I would like to have some contact with Stephen Fry. I get such grandiose ideas. Ha ha - why should he want any contact with me when there are so many people diganosed and managing. I am one in many!
ML thinks she is similar.
Bliss
XX
No comments:
Post a Comment