PD May2011I don't know where to begin!
I met my dad. It was so difficult. I was so close to tears from the off-set that I had to maintain this strong boundary and not get too caught up in emotional content. But he kept pushing buttons and eventually we started going through the photos. He said he was finding it difficult. This enabled me to say how it had been for me too. He asked if I would trust him to take them all home and him go through them at home. I said not really. I reminded him several times that he had actually thrown them all out and I asked him why. He said that it was all the shock at the time and he still cannot look at mum's photos easily. It hurts so much. I didn't see the hurt. We were able to start talking about some of the photos when I asked who this was or where that was etc.
I was very tearful.
As we left he said sorry as he could see that was difficult for me. I said it wasn't just the photos it was a lifetime of difficulty.
.... to be honest I can't be bothered to write it all down now.
A lot was said. I agreed that I had been a lot of trouble. And I also said that I had a lot of memories from childhood - I talked about wanting to be loved by him but never feeling good enough through the messages I have received. Blah blah blah.
This was all in the car park of the silly restaurant that we meet up at. It felt as if it was a chore for him anyway and only because I had become upset on the phone with him.
It would be wonderful to be wanted by him. That has always been missing. At one point he did say that if I felt that it had always been so difficult then maybe we should cut contact. Bloody hell that hurt. If I had wanted to do that I would have done it by now. And here he was saying that we should, when I have felt certain that he has wanted to do that. In fact I think he very nearly did having moved and only telling me some weeks later.
He said that he had to go because he felt dreadful. I said I did too which was unnecessary to say.
He just phoned to wish me a happy birthday. I asked how he is. He replied saying that he hadn't slept at all, which is of course an exaggeration as when I said I had been up since 6:30 and walked this morning in the early morning peace he laughed that he can't do that anymore and had only just got up. 9:15. Anyway we did leave. I felt terrible. I wondered what the hell I had done. I couldn't get much further than the other side of the A3. I had to pull over. I sat there for probably an hour crying and arguing why I should not walk n front of a lorry on the A3. I thought if I jumped into it I would certainly die with their high speed. I really wanted to die, not a cry for help or a gesture. Just to be dead and end all of this fucking nonsense. I contemplated this amidst tears and wondering if I had made it all up, If the bi-polar in fact makes me misconceive things and it's all about me yet he had uttered those words again about knowing he was a terrible father. My mind was so racing that I could not think of any specific examples just general feelings and so I thought I was just selfish and thoughtless. I thought I had done it all wrong. I sent a text to SC saying so and apologising that I was texting on a Sunday. I was in absolute turmoil and fighting with myself about living or dieing. Then I decided not to for the time being and instead just drive - just keep driving with nothing more than I have and disappear. I knew LouLou would be loved and looked after - there is no possession that I need. I could just start driving there and then. And at that moment my phone rang. It was my dad. He wanted to know where I was, I told him. Of course I had wanted him to have come looking for me. He didn't obviously. He said he was sorry, that he knew there were problems and that we would meet very soon and talk about things. During his call this morning I didn't get that feeling that it was going to happen as his words had changed and he was saying that he can't change the past but could make amends in the future. Maybe he is following some spiritual path now, who knows? He wouldn't tell me if he was. And I am still angry about the past. I have to deal with that anger elsewhere. When I mention my anger immediately JH comes to mind and the contempt he felt about anger. He didn't like anger and implied that he had looked at it and let go. So when I acknowledge my anger and own it I feel shame, as if it's wrong. I am sure it is not just JH's attitude that provokes this shame but many similar messages throughout the years. The Victorian era was of course all about self containment and expression of self was curbed. Since then it's evolved into complete suppression. And hence it builds up. I have years of anger bursting out of me now. Clean and sober of most things this year and the strong of events of my life all leading to the explosion and expression of this anger. Containing it is necessary and I am not so good at that. So when my dad talked about making amends I feel so hurt that it has taken me to express all these things and also the anger has a vent now.
So his call calmed me and suddenly I wondered if the belief that I had done it wrong and was possibly monumental afterburn. I had said things I have never said. I was accusational at times. I was able to apologise for the way it all blurted out. Anyway lets see what happens. This morning in his call he excused himself of the threat. The threat was not a threat of violence, he explained. I asked what "or else meat"? And he replied that he was going to say he wouldn't bother to ask me anymore about the photos but I cut him short. Which of course I did no such thing but it would be impossible for him to sit with the fact that he used a threatening manner. I feel guilty and wrong for having pointed it out yet I know rationally I am just stating the boundaries I have and it's revealing truths which no one likes. My problem is that I get very emotional around it because I am sacred of losing the person as well. It may well end up that way. At one point I do recall pointing out that he is the father and that's all I have ever wanted. I don't recall with what statement of argument that was in connection with. He asked what I wanted him to do at another point and I suggested that eh could some and meet my therapist with me. Of course he balked at the idea, reminding me that he doesn't believe in them. Which of course means he doesn't believe in what I am doing for my work. That's his prerogative of course but more reason for me to know he has no respect for my work.
I went and collected LouLou, with flowers and chocolates as a way of saying sorry explaining that I had had an "to do" with my dad. I am sure my puffy eyes were a give away. I texted ML and she was very good at keeping me focused on contacting professional support. I had thrown away the out of hours number. I tried to get it from answer machines etc but no joy. I spoke later with AM as I knew that I was putting a lot on ML and she is not feeling so good herself right at the moment. AM listened and was amazed at what I have done. I cried some more as it was the first time of uttering a sound for hours and otherwise it had all been whirring around my head. It still is, and now out through my finger tips too.
I was definitely manic. I could feel and when out walking I was thinking rapidly and busy wilst walking. I wondered if this was started by the texting every thought and experience last year to JH. It was amazing to be able to do that and someone seemed interested. Maybe though it developed an addiction or was it the reappearance of manic phases coming back more and more? Because here I am wantng to share mnute by minute little details. Poor ML. How can I do that differently so that I am not a bother to people. I have this flipping blog but this is a splurge of thoughts and feelings and descriptions. The minute by minute experiences. What shall I do with those? Maybe that's why Stephen Fry uses Twitter. It would make sense. But it's also knowing someone has read and absorbed the thoughts - that's important too. Wanting to be known and heard.
So I channeled the energy into a sketch for PD. As above. I realised I thought yet again I was better than I actually was. Ideas of grandeur that PD can start putting up some erotic art created by me. Who the hell do I think I am? In the words of Bob Marley. I can feel the hyper mood today as well. And channelling that into study is difficult. I want to read lots of information about different thigns. I want to sketch. I want more than one thing, I want everything.
Anyway study I must ....
Meeting at AB's at 3:30 with AB, RB, KM and ML for a walk. Then back for yummy scrummy chocolate cake. Then later we will go to the Indian restaurant with GB as well for a lovely meal. Nice!
I have added this as teh Universe sent it to me and this I must remember. My dad is a mere human being with his own shortcomings and his own childhood that was screwed up. He had little direction of good parenting. Then on top of that he was a military man through and through. I understand and can say this to him. It's just hurting me as I want my dad. I will phone him and say this to him.
I'll love you no matter which path you choose, Bliss, and more, I'll be there ahead of you.
We one,
The Universe
Happy 30th May everyone
Bliss
XX
ps I phoned my dad and although it was awkward for him I simply said that I do not blame him at all. I want to explain that further some time. But right now it was important for him to know I do not blame him. I understand.
x
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