With an image of liberation as the goal
the wise abandon darkness and cherish light,
leave petty security behind
and seek freedom from attachment.
To pursue such release is difficult and rare,
yet the wise will seek it,
detaching themselves from obstructions,
purifying heart and mind
Dhammapada v.87-88
Ajahn Munindo reflects on this ...
"The Buddha offers images that illustrate the goal, uplifting and supporting us in our effort to let go of that which obstructs and limits us. If we hold too tightly to the images, we may lose perspective on the here and now element of the journey; instead of actually doing the practice, we are imagining it. If we fail to give right emphasis to the goal, we may become lost in the distraction of sense objects - agreeable and disagreeable. The pursuit of true freedom is difficult but consider how much suffering comes if we don't practice. With wise reflection we find we can endure the dark and difficult times. When the light returns, we cherish it and discover how to love truth more fully."
My own reflection in the here and now ...
Firstly I notice that I keep hearing the message about letting go, particularly of limits. I then feel my fear. I have wants. And I can see the value of remembering to let go when I realise I am thinking of my wants. The wants bring longing and as a result I forget to see what is all around me right now or at least do not appreciate all that I have. I can relate that to the want to be thin. As long as I remember body dysmorphia has been closely related to being anorexic, bulimic and over eating. And when I look back now I realise how much I was intently focused on trying to control food, worrying about size and not enjoying the experiences as they were happening all around me. I continue to have issues around food. I use food as an escape from stress for example and of course this triggers the body image issues too. So am not saying I am cured. What I am practicing once again today though, is 3 meals per day, not worrying about the content of those 3 meals so long as I have protein, carbs and vegetables/fruit. And my how my studies this year - Biological Psychology - have helped me to know the fine tuned detail of the minute but incredible miracles that occur within each and every one of us. But to be sustained every cell needs appropriate nourishment and that comes from me eating wisely. I hope to maintain this train of thought and practice of eating.
Anyway that's an example of wants turning into obsession and taking me out of the her and now experiences.
One of the things I keep thinking about though when I read about letting go is the need at the level I am at of being able to identify and process the feelings that go with letting go. For example with the apparent loss of JH I have felt so many things. Hurt, sadness, anger, fear, relief at times too although that was rare. My fear is that the lesson is forgetting that along the journey individuals will not realise that there are feelings and suppress them rather than work through them to their natural close. I realise that there is the tendency for holding onto the dark feelings and that can result in never letting go of the feelings. I absolutely agree with the goal. It's just for me the verse doesn't explain about emotions. I think people have tried to follow this exactly without reflecting on all that is going on.
As I reflect on what I am saying there is an element on control and not letting go of others process. It comes from a place of caring. However, it is me trying to ensure that everyone is aware. The reality is that I had always suppressed feelings. I did not now I was allowed to feel my emotions and express them and believed somehow from what I was seeing and hearing that I needed always to just get on and be happy. I am not sure if this is how I was actually told and shown but it is how I interpreted things. And so rather than acknowledge the pain and difficulty I would pretend everything was OK. So right into adulthood until recovery I have had to squish and squash everything away. And that is difficult to do without having crutches to help, hence the want for a man to love me, drink, drugs, hedonism, work and status etc etc and manipulating food. As those things are peeled away I am left with the emotions. Now I am learning to acknowledge the emotions, work through them and that takes a while when they are so deeply and densely packed. But there is a loosening and with the ending of some feelings comes the letting go. I have had more clarity about loosening the anger that inevitably comes from an abusive childhood. The vulnerable, raging me is becoming a little more aware and I can at times observe and measure my behaviour. I certainly don't like observing the behaviour of my fury but I understand the fury and can be gentle and loving rather than adding to the fury by giving myself a ticking off for being furious. But I can take a view on my behaviour. I do not judge myself then, but I do judge my behaviour - gently and with a desire to change with practice.
Perhaps there are some people who get this without having to go through the process. There are people who say they just let go and move on. Some people I can really see that in them. other people I see destructive behaviours and believe that there are things they are not allowing themselves to visit. They will if it ever gets so bad they are in pain.
I though am relieved to be getting some clarity for myself and believe I am on a path that is healthy for me. If I can enjoy today and learn and grow then it is possible I will be able to acknowledge any fears and temptation and remember the path is stronger if I stick to it. I can also gain strength by asking for support. I need help at times when temptation is pulling me. And temptation comes in many forms. It often starts with boredom. Wanting.
The thing is to acknowledge that feeling and talk with people then ......
More to reflect upon but now I must start my studies.
Bliss
XX
the wise abandon darkness and cherish light,
leave petty security behind
and seek freedom from attachment.
To pursue such release is difficult and rare,
yet the wise will seek it,
detaching themselves from obstructions,
purifying heart and mind
Dhammapada v.87-88
Ajahn Munindo reflects on this ...
"The Buddha offers images that illustrate the goal, uplifting and supporting us in our effort to let go of that which obstructs and limits us. If we hold too tightly to the images, we may lose perspective on the here and now element of the journey; instead of actually doing the practice, we are imagining it. If we fail to give right emphasis to the goal, we may become lost in the distraction of sense objects - agreeable and disagreeable. The pursuit of true freedom is difficult but consider how much suffering comes if we don't practice. With wise reflection we find we can endure the dark and difficult times. When the light returns, we cherish it and discover how to love truth more fully."
My own reflection in the here and now ...
Firstly I notice that I keep hearing the message about letting go, particularly of limits. I then feel my fear. I have wants. And I can see the value of remembering to let go when I realise I am thinking of my wants. The wants bring longing and as a result I forget to see what is all around me right now or at least do not appreciate all that I have. I can relate that to the want to be thin. As long as I remember body dysmorphia has been closely related to being anorexic, bulimic and over eating. And when I look back now I realise how much I was intently focused on trying to control food, worrying about size and not enjoying the experiences as they were happening all around me. I continue to have issues around food. I use food as an escape from stress for example and of course this triggers the body image issues too. So am not saying I am cured. What I am practicing once again today though, is 3 meals per day, not worrying about the content of those 3 meals so long as I have protein, carbs and vegetables/fruit. And my how my studies this year - Biological Psychology - have helped me to know the fine tuned detail of the minute but incredible miracles that occur within each and every one of us. But to be sustained every cell needs appropriate nourishment and that comes from me eating wisely. I hope to maintain this train of thought and practice of eating.
Anyway that's an example of wants turning into obsession and taking me out of the her and now experiences.
One of the things I keep thinking about though when I read about letting go is the need at the level I am at of being able to identify and process the feelings that go with letting go. For example with the apparent loss of JH I have felt so many things. Hurt, sadness, anger, fear, relief at times too although that was rare. My fear is that the lesson is forgetting that along the journey individuals will not realise that there are feelings and suppress them rather than work through them to their natural close. I realise that there is the tendency for holding onto the dark feelings and that can result in never letting go of the feelings. I absolutely agree with the goal. It's just for me the verse doesn't explain about emotions. I think people have tried to follow this exactly without reflecting on all that is going on.
As I reflect on what I am saying there is an element on control and not letting go of others process. It comes from a place of caring. However, it is me trying to ensure that everyone is aware. The reality is that I had always suppressed feelings. I did not now I was allowed to feel my emotions and express them and believed somehow from what I was seeing and hearing that I needed always to just get on and be happy. I am not sure if this is how I was actually told and shown but it is how I interpreted things. And so rather than acknowledge the pain and difficulty I would pretend everything was OK. So right into adulthood until recovery I have had to squish and squash everything away. And that is difficult to do without having crutches to help, hence the want for a man to love me, drink, drugs, hedonism, work and status etc etc and manipulating food. As those things are peeled away I am left with the emotions. Now I am learning to acknowledge the emotions, work through them and that takes a while when they are so deeply and densely packed. But there is a loosening and with the ending of some feelings comes the letting go. I have had more clarity about loosening the anger that inevitably comes from an abusive childhood. The vulnerable, raging me is becoming a little more aware and I can at times observe and measure my behaviour. I certainly don't like observing the behaviour of my fury but I understand the fury and can be gentle and loving rather than adding to the fury by giving myself a ticking off for being furious. But I can take a view on my behaviour. I do not judge myself then, but I do judge my behaviour - gently and with a desire to change with practice.
Perhaps there are some people who get this without having to go through the process. There are people who say they just let go and move on. Some people I can really see that in them. other people I see destructive behaviours and believe that there are things they are not allowing themselves to visit. They will if it ever gets so bad they are in pain.
I though am relieved to be getting some clarity for myself and believe I am on a path that is healthy for me. If I can enjoy today and learn and grow then it is possible I will be able to acknowledge any fears and temptation and remember the path is stronger if I stick to it. I can also gain strength by asking for support. I need help at times when temptation is pulling me. And temptation comes in many forms. It often starts with boredom. Wanting.
The thing is to acknowledge that feeling and talk with people then ......
More to reflect upon but now I must start my studies.
Bliss
XX
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