Flamboyant outer appearance does not in itself constitute an obstruction to freedom. Having a heart at peace, pure, contained, awake and blameless, distinguishes a noble being.
Dhammapada v.142
Ajahn Munindo says ...
Outer forms are not what really matter. The Buddha always pointed to the heart, the place we need to focus. He emphasized this because we easily forget, becoming too concerned with how things appear. This verse is about an inebriated householder shocked by massive disappointment and despair. The Buddha's teachings, pointing directly at that which really matters, transformed his despair; instead of falling apart, he realised perfect unconditioned peace. When the focus of our practice is merely on forms and appearances, spirit is compromised. Straining too much for the ultimate explanation of the five precepts, for example, may stop us from seeing the intention behind the action. The form of the precepts is there so we become mindful of our motivation. Holding the precepts correctly, there is a chance they will serve their true purpose. Correct living is noble being.
As I was reading this and typing it I truly understand the meaning and would like to work more towards letting go of the need for material things. Although I am less concerned with the outward appearance and by that I don't need to have things to look good in the eyes of other people. I want less belongings right now. Clear space. There are things I enjoy having though, such as my laptop. None of it I need though. I realise that. I want to reduce my material things but haven't had the energy to exert in that direction. Laziness? Yes probably.
Outward appearance though is not just material things and I was thinking about how body image has been such a destroying force in my life. My size can bring on depression. Not wanting to take the Pregabalin has been partially driven by the fact that it increases appetite and weight piles on. I cannot bear the thought of that. I have enough problems with that in recent years with ageing and menopausal or hormonal changes.
Body image and material possessions and two of several outer appearances that can seem to matter so much. To be liked and likable has been so important. Everyone I guess likes to be liked. It is part of survival if we look on an evolutionary perspective. Being a part of is certainly necessary for procreation and within that drives for companionship and looking out for each other have been crucial. I am certain they are life driving forces within us. But that force over years can become distorted. For example I have often thought I am unlikeable. Environmental influences such as my dad favouring clever people has influenced my beliefs. I have in the past been very much in awe of people I consider intelligent but always thought of myself as inferior and unintelligent. I can be disappointed by people though as I discover that they are not perfect in their intelligence. And I have disliked myself too for trying to appear intelligent and in fact not been knowledgeable at all. But too afraid to say I don't know. Again I am better at this and less concerned whether people will see through me. I still nod as if knowing at times and smile at myself inwardly realising I still do it. I know so very little and yet interested in everything. Hence I can never be a knowledge on any particular area. I am spread so thin. At the same time it's wonderful to be inspired by so many things.
These are some examples of out appearance. Yet really I know that what is truly of importance is being able to be loving to all mankind. What I have or know or look like is secondary to what I feel within and the love for others as well as myself. This again is where principles do matter, they come from the soul and to not deceive others, or the be wholesome and so on is all from the heart and soul. This is where I can simply be and be with others how they are being. Love them for who they are. They don't have to have found a way to live by their principles etc for me to be able to love them and I can learn to let go of any dislike in differences. I can love and like though people who are living by purity.
I get it intellectually. Living by it all the time is not as easy. It takes practise and time and mistakes. But more and more I am aware and can adjust back when I realise my mistakes. The thing is I also have emotions which can sometimes cloud the clarity. I keep striving for improvement and awakeness.
:)
The oddest think of all is that despite feeling and understanding as I have been reading and writing, I would today like to not be alive. I cannot see the point. I don't even have a reason to want to be dead. That seems to happen less and less. It's just a matter of wanting to finish now.
I have studying to do which I will attempt to get on with. I would like to attend Art Natters this afternoon or at least have the courage to just get along whether anyone I know is going or not. So I have living plans for today, this week, this month and even this year. Yet I just do not actually want to live beyond today. I do not understand. I feel sad. And a little afraid of myself.
I wonder if this truly is the bi-polar. I want to know more about it. I will attend a group if there is one I can attend.
My cousin is so ill. She is having a scan this week and there is hope from my Auntie that things will have changed for the better. It is purely chemicals they are depending on. My Auntie is not forwarding on any of the things I have discovered for fear of being accused of interfering or upsetting LW.
A nice lazy afternoon and evening with ET. Did swell up at one point and felt very uncomfortable. Today I have a touch of diarrhoea. Odd how I feel quite gleeful. That bulimia thinking is strong. I used to use laxatives to purge my food. Disgusting really. Seems more shameful to me than vomiting. And always used to think I wasn't a proper bulimic because I didn't vomit. So having diarrhoea seems familiar. And having had fish and chips last night after a week of chocolate cake after my birthday, I felt really gleeful. I have been afraid that I have been feeling hormonal and eating more again. Now I am petrified I will not stop. So today is a real effort to stick to a food plan. Breakfast as usual. I think I will take out a soup for this evening. And lunch will be a jacket pot with something from the freezer I think. Not so much veggie today which is not good. I don;t want to go to the supermarket today as I am dodgy around food. I am back to getting in the supermarket and just not knowing what to buy.
It's good to write this as I have not been verbalising it. It's all been in my thinking. I need to tell some friends.
So Uni yesterday was interesting and with only 3 of us there was plenty of time to get some clarity on little processes I was not quite understanding.
The human body is an awesome phenomenon. I really am very pleased to have learnt what I have so far. I am not sure how much I am making psychological connections but there are of course links with behaviour and the debate about nature vs nurture. I have no doubts that it is impossible to separate one from the other although at times certain conditions can be apportioned to a greater or lesser extent in one direction or the other. Huntington's and Lessencephaly are with doubt now conditions wholly genetic. If the gene is there it will manifest in the human being. Other conditions can be therein the genes but only triggered by environmental situations. I do wonder though? Even the genetics could be triggered inutero by the outside world. And that knowledge is just not known yet.
So much is unknown. The hard question of consciousness - still completely unknown. We can know the mechanics but not yet how those turn into thought.
I love the fact that the science has been able to say what is occurring but not how that occurs. For example the fact that ions positive and negative are shifting in and out of very cell and as ongoing and automatic process maintaining a state of cell homeostasis. But how did that happen in the first place? How is that ATP developed without which cells cannot function and would therefore die? This is Universal energy at it's micro sized awe.
Yet with all of this I want to kill this cell I am living in!
About this time last year I was meeting with JH for the first time and falling in love with a man I thought I was getting to know. I feel sad of course that it did not turn out how I was believing it was. It was far from what I thought. At least through communication that became apparent but not before I had given my heart and so fell back broke into a million tiny pieces. I hope that it is possible to truly be loved by someone who truly loves me. Or maybe that is not how it is meant to be. I am no good with no drama. And probably therefore I fall in love with people who are also not OK with no drama. I get bored so would of course be meeting people who would get bored and therefore they will be looking elsewhere to keep from boredom. And I love them all the harder. It's so painful a process.
I don't understand. I wonder if this is linked with the condition of bi-polar too? Probably not.
I feel low. Yet I feel worldly.
Help me
Bliss
XX
Dhammapada v.142
Ajahn Munindo says ...
Outer forms are not what really matter. The Buddha always pointed to the heart, the place we need to focus. He emphasized this because we easily forget, becoming too concerned with how things appear. This verse is about an inebriated householder shocked by massive disappointment and despair. The Buddha's teachings, pointing directly at that which really matters, transformed his despair; instead of falling apart, he realised perfect unconditioned peace. When the focus of our practice is merely on forms and appearances, spirit is compromised. Straining too much for the ultimate explanation of the five precepts, for example, may stop us from seeing the intention behind the action. The form of the precepts is there so we become mindful of our motivation. Holding the precepts correctly, there is a chance they will serve their true purpose. Correct living is noble being.
As I was reading this and typing it I truly understand the meaning and would like to work more towards letting go of the need for material things. Although I am less concerned with the outward appearance and by that I don't need to have things to look good in the eyes of other people. I want less belongings right now. Clear space. There are things I enjoy having though, such as my laptop. None of it I need though. I realise that. I want to reduce my material things but haven't had the energy to exert in that direction. Laziness? Yes probably.
Outward appearance though is not just material things and I was thinking about how body image has been such a destroying force in my life. My size can bring on depression. Not wanting to take the Pregabalin has been partially driven by the fact that it increases appetite and weight piles on. I cannot bear the thought of that. I have enough problems with that in recent years with ageing and menopausal or hormonal changes.
Body image and material possessions and two of several outer appearances that can seem to matter so much. To be liked and likable has been so important. Everyone I guess likes to be liked. It is part of survival if we look on an evolutionary perspective. Being a part of is certainly necessary for procreation and within that drives for companionship and looking out for each other have been crucial. I am certain they are life driving forces within us. But that force over years can become distorted. For example I have often thought I am unlikeable. Environmental influences such as my dad favouring clever people has influenced my beliefs. I have in the past been very much in awe of people I consider intelligent but always thought of myself as inferior and unintelligent. I can be disappointed by people though as I discover that they are not perfect in their intelligence. And I have disliked myself too for trying to appear intelligent and in fact not been knowledgeable at all. But too afraid to say I don't know. Again I am better at this and less concerned whether people will see through me. I still nod as if knowing at times and smile at myself inwardly realising I still do it. I know so very little and yet interested in everything. Hence I can never be a knowledge on any particular area. I am spread so thin. At the same time it's wonderful to be inspired by so many things.
These are some examples of out appearance. Yet really I know that what is truly of importance is being able to be loving to all mankind. What I have or know or look like is secondary to what I feel within and the love for others as well as myself. This again is where principles do matter, they come from the soul and to not deceive others, or the be wholesome and so on is all from the heart and soul. This is where I can simply be and be with others how they are being. Love them for who they are. They don't have to have found a way to live by their principles etc for me to be able to love them and I can learn to let go of any dislike in differences. I can love and like though people who are living by purity.
I get it intellectually. Living by it all the time is not as easy. It takes practise and time and mistakes. But more and more I am aware and can adjust back when I realise my mistakes. The thing is I also have emotions which can sometimes cloud the clarity. I keep striving for improvement and awakeness.
:)
The oddest think of all is that despite feeling and understanding as I have been reading and writing, I would today like to not be alive. I cannot see the point. I don't even have a reason to want to be dead. That seems to happen less and less. It's just a matter of wanting to finish now.
I have studying to do which I will attempt to get on with. I would like to attend Art Natters this afternoon or at least have the courage to just get along whether anyone I know is going or not. So I have living plans for today, this week, this month and even this year. Yet I just do not actually want to live beyond today. I do not understand. I feel sad. And a little afraid of myself.
I wonder if this truly is the bi-polar. I want to know more about it. I will attend a group if there is one I can attend.
My cousin is so ill. She is having a scan this week and there is hope from my Auntie that things will have changed for the better. It is purely chemicals they are depending on. My Auntie is not forwarding on any of the things I have discovered for fear of being accused of interfering or upsetting LW.
A nice lazy afternoon and evening with ET. Did swell up at one point and felt very uncomfortable. Today I have a touch of diarrhoea. Odd how I feel quite gleeful. That bulimia thinking is strong. I used to use laxatives to purge my food. Disgusting really. Seems more shameful to me than vomiting. And always used to think I wasn't a proper bulimic because I didn't vomit. So having diarrhoea seems familiar. And having had fish and chips last night after a week of chocolate cake after my birthday, I felt really gleeful. I have been afraid that I have been feeling hormonal and eating more again. Now I am petrified I will not stop. So today is a real effort to stick to a food plan. Breakfast as usual. I think I will take out a soup for this evening. And lunch will be a jacket pot with something from the freezer I think. Not so much veggie today which is not good. I don;t want to go to the supermarket today as I am dodgy around food. I am back to getting in the supermarket and just not knowing what to buy.
It's good to write this as I have not been verbalising it. It's all been in my thinking. I need to tell some friends.
So Uni yesterday was interesting and with only 3 of us there was plenty of time to get some clarity on little processes I was not quite understanding.
The human body is an awesome phenomenon. I really am very pleased to have learnt what I have so far. I am not sure how much I am making psychological connections but there are of course links with behaviour and the debate about nature vs nurture. I have no doubts that it is impossible to separate one from the other although at times certain conditions can be apportioned to a greater or lesser extent in one direction or the other. Huntington's and Lessencephaly are with doubt now conditions wholly genetic. If the gene is there it will manifest in the human being. Other conditions can be therein the genes but only triggered by environmental situations. I do wonder though? Even the genetics could be triggered inutero by the outside world. And that knowledge is just not known yet.
So much is unknown. The hard question of consciousness - still completely unknown. We can know the mechanics but not yet how those turn into thought.
I love the fact that the science has been able to say what is occurring but not how that occurs. For example the fact that ions positive and negative are shifting in and out of very cell and as ongoing and automatic process maintaining a state of cell homeostasis. But how did that happen in the first place? How is that ATP developed without which cells cannot function and would therefore die? This is Universal energy at it's micro sized awe.
Yet with all of this I want to kill this cell I am living in!
About this time last year I was meeting with JH for the first time and falling in love with a man I thought I was getting to know. I feel sad of course that it did not turn out how I was believing it was. It was far from what I thought. At least through communication that became apparent but not before I had given my heart and so fell back broke into a million tiny pieces. I hope that it is possible to truly be loved by someone who truly loves me. Or maybe that is not how it is meant to be. I am no good with no drama. And probably therefore I fall in love with people who are also not OK with no drama. I get bored so would of course be meeting people who would get bored and therefore they will be looking elsewhere to keep from boredom. And I love them all the harder. It's so painful a process.
I don't understand. I wonder if this is linked with the condition of bi-polar too? Probably not.
I feel low. Yet I feel worldly.
Help me
Bliss
XX
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