I hope you are feeling the warm sunshine and able to sit back and relax. Oh I remember sitting at Angela's place. Reading in the sunshine knowing I felt uncomfortable in the relationship with SH. Good contemplation time. Got clarity but no courage. Another 2 or so years and then it was him who found the courage. Still hurt!
I can recall though the relief from clarity and how at peace I was just sitting there, mainly alone as SH slept long long into the day.
Anyway my point about that is that I know there was always a lot of thinking time for me when sitting - not something I just do for days and days except the odd holiday. The last one in Turkey with E was pure stress as I was really starting to feel horrid symptoms of menopause or at that time still peri-menopause.
Wow all these negative thoughts!!
I had another night tossing and turning under my covers. Well I woke at 3.30 and thoughts whirling around and around. And I was getting so annoyed not to be asleep, knowing that I needed good rest to complete my essay and start on the experiment write up.
So I prayed for sleep. Nah! Not a drowsiness in the house. Apart from snoring LouLou in the other room so I went a woke her up and asked her to come and cuddle me. She did and her warmth started to help.
What I realised, and I suspect you may relate, is that I am terrified of my future. I am terrified and feel stuck with today and no knowledge of how to be unstuck. I started then praying that I could have faith and trust.
I feel stuck in a cluster of issues, that are associated with each other. I am not sure of the order of importance as each seems to lead to the other and back again.
I believe that I will need to be working less if I am going to get through the next 2 years at Uni. The courses are much more difficult and also count towards the majority of the final mark. I am scared.
To work less means of course earning less and with rising costs I am beginning to feel the pinch A LOT. To begin with the extra earnings made a difference and I could afford things for myself with a little less worry. But it's getting tighter financially. I cannot do extra work as I need to be doing less work.
I am doing more 1:1's after work where I can for some extra cash (taxed of course)
I could do some private 1:1's but I would only do that if accredited, insured and would need to find a nice room which would cost rent
I would like to find work closer to home BUT
I do not feel confident about my qualifications. I have good work experience now and good references I am sure.
To be accredited I have to do extra work which with my degree work I do not have the energy - I could probably squeeze time to do the necessary work but I am already exhausted and stressed with my current loads.
This lack of accreditation adds to my shame about being nothing really - no good. It's not even a measure of ability. BUT it's becoming important. So I feel like a fraud at times. Just been lucky to get the job I have so better hang onto it. I have often felt a fraud. I worked my way up the career ladder within business travel without any qualifications really. Industry training - I knew the industry backwards but once reached the level I did I was amongst people with degrees and always hid the fact I was working from experience only and at times had to crib from them when writing proposals or business plans etc. I never asked for help because I thought I would be exposed as the fraud that I was.
Now the FDAP/DANOS (company with whom I need to be accredited) have changed the requirements and I would need to complete a 2 year course. Just 2 months ago the course I completed was more than adequate. I could have done the accreditation when I finished my OU stuff last winter. But I was lazy and also the agony with JH a lot. My time was focused on him (addiction?)
I feel angry with myself about this. Also I did suggest to P I did it then and listened to him because I didn't really want to do the work when he said let him do it first as then he could help me as I had such a lot to do already. I am so angry with me for wasting that time when I was talking about it so much knowing it would help me a lot.
P has just been rushing his accreditation work through. He is stressed and I am feeling the urgency. I also know that once accredited he will hand in his notice, work privately and I am jealous and frustrated. I am also very anxious about how things will be at work. I am stuck there now though without accreditation.
I have two more years to go on my degree which I love and want to do (needing the time of course as above) But I am loathe to do it at times as I think I should be investing my time in a job related 2 year course. I can't afford them though - they are even more than the degrees!!!! And the P do not pay for training grrr and I am stuck with them
So long as they don't insist in accreditation - I am working towards it all the time.
I feel stuck
Then I am annoyed at myself because all this faffing around with my course has meant that I cannot attend the Uni weekend today until Sunday - which would help me greatly with this years course and my general learning and knowledge. I also am struggling to afford it so there is a saving in not going but a big loss. Instead I am trying to finish the assignment that I am blocked from doing with all the above anxieties and stresses.
I feel terrified of the future. I will be old and a pauper not able to afford to do anything and bored stiff. I already am really. I sit here evening after evening - too scared to go out, feeling so fat and ugly (that's vanity I suppose), wasting time on FB. I do like sketching. I am tired and ageing and should be looking towards slowing things down really but I cannot.
I just feel in a whirl with all of this. I am so scared of the financial insecurity. I am scared. It feels a bit like it did when I first was off work in 1998. Just cannot see a way out or forward. None of it feels good.
I am hoping by sharing what I am now seeing -this big quagmire at the bottom of everything else and it's festering. And it's shaky ground to have my feet on. Nothing feels certain. That should please me really - if I could just go with the flow and trust that I will always have what I need. When I say that I get a momentary reprieve and feel the calm.
I suppose the thing is that I would have to ask for help or support - and I am so useless at that. I feel ashamed and embarrassed - here I am at this age with nothing. I have worked hard all my life really to achieve so little that gives me any of the comforts I want.
I am a mess!
Fantastic - I sent a text to A as well just summarising the above and we agreed to talk this afternoon. I must congratulate myself for at least trying to do the right things - so I didn't start essay writing until after lunch. However, I have written about my angst and asked for support. This resulted in verbalising everything and as I heard myself there was some real harshness upon myself and some urgency without prioritising. A helped me too by reiterating this. Firstly I noticed how damning I was of my skills and abilities. I achieved highly in the travel industry through my abilities. And my capability was evident. I did not back away from work but found ways to provide the high standards I set. I didn't directly ask for help but I was able enough to read other peoples things and develop it for myself. And there are plenty of people that get to high positions without degrees - Sir Alan Sugar A pointed out - multi multi millionaire who is highly successful in business. And the same applies in this job. I receive compliments all the time. I have been employed because I am considered good at what I do and even head hunted for my current position. As for the accreditation - it is not a study, it is an accreditation for the courses that I have achieved and the work that I have done. But they have decided to alter the criteria. But as A suggests it may be worth writing to them as at the time of the course it was an accredited course and therefore should still be applicable. Understandably they could say from a particular date onwards the criteria has changed but they will not be asking everyone who has done that course to now do another one to be accredited. However, A also suggested taking that up after I have got this piece of work completed. Prioritising and parking that situation on the shelf until I have the head space and time. I will try to keep reminding myself of that.
It is so good that I have the ability to speak openly and honestly even about things that I am ashamed of. I come from a shame base. Furthermore, the deep level facts and truth are not always apparent and I can feel quite stuck with myself - feeling but not knowing what those emotions are or what is behind them. layers and layers of the onion gradually peel back.
I am grateful for the process and the support.
Bliss XX
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