Miss Conversationalists

Here are messages between myself and my very dear friend .... read the mis-communication.....

Friend

since being 'unhinged' by a certain man and working full-time may be a little more accurate :) - and u have loads going on around family/father too :( So be kind to you too within your anger wiv yourself.x

Bliss

Thank you :)
You too - you give yourself a damned hard time and it's not necessary. It makes me sad to hear you giving yoruself a beating up x

Friend

when am I at mo! well bar not being able to contact family - which I need to today before speaking to K! gulp All last last minute U know me. going to make a instant coffee - yuk - go back to bed and watch casulaty and then get up and try and call my mother before midday. flat stinks and has mess everywhere it is revolting. but can hopefully start sorting once spoken to my mother - gulp. wot to do ?????????

Bliss    

Call me if you need to after speaing with her.

Friend

thank u - going to try and be breezy - if she asks I may say entire family is somewhat critical - I feel at a loss as to take it all on as my stuff but dont think in aable

Friend

space to broach that as an actual topic yet - if ever - as she is getting pld so may just not

Friend

breezy - I think sarcasm will sneak in I can feel it already - numbing tv and coffee first :) Good luck wiv studies.x

Bliss

Can you turn it around the other way? So as not to point the finger and create a defensiveness .... perhaps you could keep the focus on you somehow. You and I now your family are critical. And it has an effect on you and everyone else too as they all become defensive and agressive in their defensiveness. But perhaps you could focus on you and how you feel when things are said in a way that seems critical to you ... just an idea to not get in the fighting ring with them

Bliss

So before you call perhaps yo also need to find a way to take on a different attitude as no doubt the sarcastic defenseive attitude might end up aggravating an already difficult situation for you

Friend

I have always taken it on and it is then me that is the problem for being overly sensitive...... fuck it. I may try and be loving but don't feel I should continue taking the buff of everyone elses dissatisfaction wiv their own lives to criticise others - know i do that myself but wwant to get back to concentrating on me - I do know that I would not be that missed if I died - it would be sad for the family but in reality it would not make much of an effect in any of their day to day lives....... u need to start your study and I and not wanting to talk about this. I shall phone as be as breezy as I can.x sorry if sound grrrrr Dont mean it at you - hence looking for therapist - lots in me that needs to some out somewhere :(

Bliss

I think I have not made myself clear. It is not about taking it on. This is not your fault that your family operate in this manner. And their criticism of you in my view is completely unfounded. What I was meaning is that the way in which things are said can create defensiveness if it feels like accusation and just ends up with more battle ground stuff. So somehow stay clear of their battle ground. You don't need it. So no no no - not taking it on as yours - it is not yours at all. It is their behaviour. There is a distinct difference in keeping the focus on self and not taking it on as you being the problem - it's simply owning your feelings when people behave in certain ways but doesn;t mean that their behaviour is wrong for them if that makes any sense. They may be quite happy with their behaviour. And what they do to you is certainly not what you want to do to them.
And yes can hear your grrr but think it's related to a mis communication of what I am suggesting might be a way foward. I try it with y dad all the time but get so sucked in so quickly I lose it all too quickly. But I also think some things have been heard differently now. And I forget as well that he hasn;t had all the therapy I have to be able to listen differently but he does claim to be so intelligent etc etc. I just forget that he and I are on different wave lengths and I want him so much to get me and change. I just want to be loved for who I am - good mood, bad mood, making mistakes, liking people he doesn't, not rich, not settled etc. I want this to be OK and to me it doesn't feel OK because I am sure there is a contribution that I know he doesn't approve.
So I relate just with different things done in different ways. The feeings and the difficulties though are very similar.

Friend

I do take on my feelings, although they appear to hear that as then my issue, so it is the entire not actually heard as per usual and I don't feel that u really hearing me now - I have been more successful wiv my families effect on me at times - but I can only take so much at certain times - so like you wiv your father it undulates in its manner, sometimes quite erratically. I don't necessartily want my mother to love me, in some ways I think she does, but I know my broken trust of what was never there is I think to engrained in me - whether that is childish or not I think it is realistic - there is no pooint in me pretending to be all a okay about it and forgiving. howver on the flip side i do care for her and fell for her and know I will be devastssted when she dies so i need toi try and do what i do and just get on with it - most of the time its okay and then i forget and actully want support from them as a family and yet again i don;t get it as I want it and the circle continues blah blha blha fucking blah. I know I can't change then or their views I just wish they could be more open minded to others ways of being - like I try to be and actually an be - like when I am okay with then it is just letting them get on wiv their klives and values - hence coda prob good for me to go back to again - may try the monday one ? may be once back at work - so yes lost sna dlots and lots. smokes halped me be more tolerant - tried deep breeathing in U but ended up crying - poo! bye.x

Bliss

Oh I agree that you do not need to pretend it is all OK. In fact quite the opposite. I am sorry too that you think I am not hearing you. It's not intentional. I care and hate seeing you so affected by other peoples shortcomings as I view it. I am entirely with you and support whatever you need and want to do.
The reality I think is that whatever I feel is my issue. But that doesn't mean to say I am wrong. What people do does have an effect on me. Somethings I really love and enjoy and other things hurt me to the core, to my soul. It's very deep. And I sometimes think people are doing it on purpose and sometimes know that people just aren't aware but hurt me nonetheless. I think whatever is going it's important for me to speak out.
And like you I wish people generally could accept everyone for who they are and be able to get on or simply move on if getting on is not possible. I keep knocking at the door of my dad hopng we can find a way to get on. I know there is a way but I am not sure what that way is. I don;t believe it is through cutting contact. With some people it may be necessary but it is up to me to learn the acceptance because I cannot expect my dad to. At the same time I am becming more able to state my wants and needs and my feelings about the way things are and have been. This very new for me. In the past it has just been an argument of casting aspersions between us. And now I am turning that around. So I just thought it might be similar for you.
But I am hearing you more. I hope you have a breezy call and it doesn't rock you too much today.
Here if you need to speak about it although know you often prefer to have time to yourself after contact wth your mother.
Hope it goes smoothly
Love you
x

and I think she should hear some home truths - I think both of them should (and me too, and A and N and J and S, and T - it's all fucked) there is so so so much that is not said its ridiculous - seriously - hence my 'wow' aorund my realisation that anyone is only what the other creates in their own mind. However, as it is only me that is on my own (well bar Tam but I have to leave her to get on with her self - although even that is difficult and raises huge guilt within me) - perhaps I am just a very selfish person ?? Anyway - yes the interaction that I have p[roabbaly holds more imporatnce than it does for them as they have families closer by - so I do apprciate that the entire world does not revolve around me... going to watch tv now bored of self and typing :)x

Friend

my mistrust goes so deep that having someone saying they love me - like my father used to then means they can do what they want - if that makes any sense at all. my mother says through strained throat she loves me and therefore all else is ok. she has her downfalls and admits them leaving me voiceless. I do think she has been cruel and like that horror film that I used to mention. actions and words have and are very mis-matching from most of my family - may be I just expected too much. hence need to re-focus back on me and be breezy and ok wiv them. they have their own lives to deal wiv so who would want a fuck wit shadowing their light over and above their own difficulties. i can only take so much so perhaps it is like that for them too. as we never speak about it we will never know. for instance my mother could say I cant deal with this rather than pushing C onto or into the role that she is unable to fulfill. its warped and unkind on all. C should say no - I should not accpet it as a replacement - that I don't anymore, which has not been accpeted as ok as it rocks the boat even further. C is ok when he is not asking about fucking houses - that is his overlly codependant concern for others i suppose. really am bored now - bye.x hops study gpoing well

Bliss

It sounds a complex mish mash. And as you say nothing can be openly discussed.
When I say I love you - it is you I love. Just the way you are. I am sorry you cannot trust that right now. But I love you anyway so I know it's real.
Anything I say is never meant to hurt you. It's just communication of ideas and thoughts. Hopefully clarity can be gained by meanings and intentions through talking about it which is something we cannot do easily with our respective families. I remain close by anyway and know that I vallue your opinions and thoughts as I learn and grow.
When you say you are bored now, I understand that as you saying you don't want to talk about it anymore.
I hope you don't but sometimes I think you attribute your family dynamics with me. I am know I have a lot of shortcomings but I am not any one of them and when I say I love you it is because I do. And I care too. I might not do that perfectly, nonetheless my mistakes are not because you don't matter. I hope you can trust that someday.

Yes! Yes! I have actually started answering the question part of the assignment. Not too much wordage but there are only right answers, no room for interpretation. The science bit which I struggle to put into succinct sentences. But I think I understand the science of what is happening at least. I should have done these questions when I was actuall studying that subject matter as I had it very clear at that time. Now with loads of info on top it's a little hazy.
I just need to pass! BUT I want a FIRST!!!!!!!!
Back to it.

xx

Friend

oh - it's not all about u :) I was not even thinking about u saying u love me :0 Infact you have prob been one of my most constants :9 of which I appreciate 'hugely' and I hope u know that and yes I know that I love you too (my doctor is my other constant - but I don't love her) - I know I won't get a 1st - but do wonder if that is my own laziness as I don't even attempt to think that I may be able to so huge lack of confidence that I could do if that makes sense. And yes I see that I put friends in family slots and I know that it is sometimes unfair - but at other times I know it is to remind me of things that I have yet to work on and through - this is what i was discussing the other day in a closed room - it did feel much more secure than the other place I went as in the building so I hope I get given someone I can work through some of this stuff with and not sure how that is going to fit in with last year at uni - gulp!!

Friend

oh, and I did laugh to myself on way back from A's and was going to text u - as did u notice!!!!? At dinner I did all the talking, which must be a first when us three together. U two had finished your food before I really even started mine... I chuckled in my car :O) x

Friend

well doen on start. c me done nothing been on here for what 3 hours still not had coffee yet.... laters.x

Bliss

It's funny the talking thing because actually in my opinion it shifts and at some pont we all have a turn of talking. When I am listening a lot I think I always listen and when I am talking I think I always do all the talking. But I am realising that it shifts from time to time and I can be patient with listening and not beat myself when talking. It all equals out at some point I think.
That contributes to good friendship I think.
I hadn't specifically noticed on Thursday. I did enjoy the vening though despite my frustratingly low mood right now.
As for your doc you have a lot of respect for her. I didn't think it was ALL about me by the way. Just wanted to say that my love is real and I am not your family. I am very glad that you and I have been constant. I enjoy our friendship very much. Sometimes there are issues that help me learn and grow and I can see my patterns from childhood leaarnings. So it helps me to unpick and do things differently - until the next lesson and reminder that I am repeating unhealthy patterns. It's a continuous ripple effect I think.
YOU ARE ON HOLIDAY NOW SO THERE IS NOTHING YOU HAVE TO DO TODAY. Ooops didn't mean to shout that CapsLock must have been hit on!!
But actually youa re on hols so chilling is perfectly permissible isn't it?
xx

Bliss

What are your thoughts about Art Natters. I would still like to go. Do as much studying as I can - take a break and return to studying. What do you think? Prefer to go with you than alone. Not sure I would go alone as I am too self conscious for that. Flipping scaredy-cat I am. At the same time that's not a codeee bribe to try and guilt you into going and these days I like to think you would know that's just me sharing how I dislike the cowardice in me. Sometimes I can front my fear with courage and do things. How did I get to be so frail and fragile. I think it was a build up of using all the courage all the time and in the end it ran out - especially as I never ever asked for help and support.
Anyway - if you felt like giving it a try I would love to go along.

X     

Friend

lots to do........ :) It took my awareness of choosing people who talk a lot to realise that within that - it is okay for me to talk too. I am sure u and A talk more than me. and bless A when desribing how even under anesthtics the doctrors said she didn't stop :)

Friend

the difference wiv codee stuff is that I now know how to say no when i want to too. I think codee stuff is so so so so oozing into both/all parties even if one is totally healthy it still comes into play if the ither is not so - as one person can not be healthy for two - but yes i hear u asking for support in your scardiness which is nice to hear and no it does not sound codee - and in my healthy response I ma going to have to let u know - still not had a coffee yet. but may be i would like to yes - i can alwasy leave :)

Friend

butb that is not my confirmed reply yet

Friend

will see how day pans out once had coffee and watched some nonsense to get me in a place of picking up the phone and then they won't be in blahblha blha blha

Crazy as I read a slightly aggressive edge and try to be gentle in response but then when I read things I write I realise it could be read with an agfressive edge. Interesting.

Bliss

XX