Hi to all our relos and friends
I thought I'd send you another update on our dear L's health and battle against this horrible disease. Perhaps this is the easy way out as we find it upsetting and hard to phone everyone so you'll have to excuse having to read about things.
On Saturday night L had a nasty scare when she found that part of her bowel had came out of the stoma and M took her up to A&E. They kept her in and yesterday she had an operation to replace it back into position and told Mark that it had all gone to plan, they also gave her 3 units of blood on Sunday. The nurse told her last night that her haemoglobin count was only 6.3% when it should be 12.0% something and they do not like it to go down lower then 10% this is all medical talk to me but it does seem quite important that they have got it back up and she did look better for it with some colour back in her face when I saw her last night.
This of course has resulted in her missing her last 2 out the of 10 sessions of radiotherapy down at Maidstone so they are thinking of transferring her to Maidstone Hospital, today perhaps, so she would be on site to receive the last 2 sessions - it still remains to be seen.
The radiotherapy has left her feeling very tired and we have had to get a wheelchair for her as her walking has deteriorated a lot in the last few weeks but the chair has at least made it easier for her to get to the Oncology Unit from the car park.
Luckily M is on holiday this week and was hoping to take the girls out a couple of times and they haven't had must of a summer holiday so far this year and they are hoping to be able to go to stay with some friends on Thursday for a few days, so at least they will be doing something different instead of being at home getting bored.
One day I hope to be able to write a lot happier note with some more positive good news and just hope it will be soon.
We thank you for your concern and best wishes you have sent in the past you have all been so kind.
Love from
A.O & U.R
I opened my emails to this news. She is 41 yrs old - 3 young and lovely little girls!
Last evening E was on the phone, so sad having visited her mum and dads friend G. He has been in her life since she was born and she has always considered him and valued him as someone important in her life. For 6 years now he has been battling with Cancer and now it has won. We were talking last night about this vociferous disease and how it grows and grows sucking life for it's own growth. And yet it kills itself by killing it's prey. Not a very clever disease after all.
I was so sad as I listened to E and thought of L but also of my mum. I was glad to be there when she was so, so ill and then died. I wish I had been more compus mentas though. It was such early days after Sturt and although there I was still not fully there. Anyone who has got themselves into recovery of any sort will probably understand what I mean by that.
I wish I could have spoken with her more and been there when it was getting bad. It seemed all so quick for my mum. She had bowel Cancer. That must have been the tail end of 1999 and into 2000. I went into Sturt in 2000. She died of secondary Cancer in November 2001. It was a horrid fight for her. The chemo was so severe she decided to halt the procedure. I always always regret not staying for her birthday. I was too busy being involved with SH. I helped her in the morning and then cried off the actual party. She must have known it was her last but didn't say anything to me. I can never get that time back or make amends for my absence. And it plays on my heart pain when I think about it.
E said that G is very gracious. He is making it so easy for friends and family to be full of their sorrow. He told E that he is not afraid of dying. It's simply the end of living. But he also doesn't want to go. He feels dreadful for leaving his wife who he is completely in love with. She has been widowed before and he feels guilt for putting her through this again. How very selfless in a selfish sort of way, I thought. I can understand not wanting to go. He is grieving the loss of everything and his friends and family are grieving the loss of him as they know it is soon. How very strange it seems when someone is with it and organising themselves. My mum seemed so out of it. Drugged and then slipped into a coma for a week.
How peculiar - the message from TUT today ...
So much to be thankful for, huh, Bliss?
Yet so little time.
Let me start with you -
The Universe
So much time I spend worrying about not being attractive or the right shape and not having enough money. And yet this is all so meaningless in the greater scheme of things. All of my life I have had discontentment and disappointment. It's been a funny start I know and that left me with so much distortion. And now as I am readjusting the view it makes sense to be grateful and enjoy what is good than look at what is missing or not quite right.
I moan about the work, home, study triangle.
I am grateful for the car I have and can afford just enough to get me to work and home again. This enables to have a ob that I enjoy with people I like working with which happens to be a bit of a drive away. It also enables me to get LouLou cared for during the day from wonderful and generous friends. The job gives me money that makes this social world tick. I can afford heating and so on so that my home is comfortable. I have fabulous views - a display of colours every evening and morning - and a very pleasant roof over my head. I can live in this peaceful and pleasant village because of all the things I have to help me get about and because I can pay the rent.
I have funds to get out and about now and again. Galleries, little holidays for example.
I can do my studying which is so interesting and keeps my mind active and interested in the world and the way it works.
I meet fascinating people. People come and they go. The going leaves room for more and new to come in. I am never ever bored.
I can observe myself through my emotions and the thinking that I do, which I think is a very special gift from God, the universe and everything - becoming more consciously aware of self. It is so interesting.
I feel uplifted just thinking about the things that I am grateful for. There isn't time to experience everything and understand all. But I can stay present and enjoy this gift rather than fritter away time worrying about tomorrow or what I haven't got or what isn't quite right. There will always be something that isn't
After all if you look for the cracks in the walls you will find them as they are there. However, there is the rest of the wall and beyond!
What I cannot reconcile is why bad things happen to good people. It seems mean to bring such awful suffering to people that were just going about living their lives.
The Soham girls always springs to my mind. And when people say it is meant to be I do not buy into that. I can accept synchronicity, but it is meant to be! Nah! An evil man murdered those two little girls, that is not meant to be surely. It suggests that God is on charge of everything all of the time. He gave man freewill if we take from the meaning of Genesis. And man is doing with his freewill some destructive things. Lessons? For the good of mankind overall or gradually the extinction of man by man. Perhaps the few that reach Nirvana or peaceful knowing live on as the gentle giants such as dolphins and whales. I know that is random. It is a result of watching a wonderful programme about dolphins and whales. Their way of working together and their apparent emotional peace. And someone said perhaps they are the ones that found peace and decided to return to the sea and stop destroying the world like man is doing. It was disregarded with disdain and contempt. But it made me smile and I had a sense of knowing what was meant.
But why should people be killed off that are good? Perhaps it is simply the destruction of man is not choosy. It doesn't select particularly evil actors because actually it is the race as a whole.
There are no lessons to be learnt unless we learn them. I do not change fast enough to make a difference. I am still greedy for things and experiences. I want to learn and grow but look to externals for this development. I am not developed enough to be able to learn from within. I want money and things (not so much things). I want comfort and security. If only I could simplify and trust more and more. I mix with people who in the main are similar to me. I could move beyond these circles and therefore remove the competitiveness in me and become more content with just how things are.
You see then I am not being grateful for what I have got instead seeking something else. If that becomes possible as a peace within me then it will be so. I can start simplifying once again. I did it before and enjoyed the freedom I felt. Gradually I will work towards this.
I had a dream but have forgotten it yet it seemed so important when I was in the midst of the dream. Oh well.
Bliss
XX
I thought I'd send you another update on our dear L's health and battle against this horrible disease. Perhaps this is the easy way out as we find it upsetting and hard to phone everyone so you'll have to excuse having to read about things.
On Saturday night L had a nasty scare when she found that part of her bowel had came out of the stoma and M took her up to A&E. They kept her in and yesterday she had an operation to replace it back into position and told Mark that it had all gone to plan, they also gave her 3 units of blood on Sunday. The nurse told her last night that her haemoglobin count was only 6.3% when it should be 12.0% something and they do not like it to go down lower then 10% this is all medical talk to me but it does seem quite important that they have got it back up and she did look better for it with some colour back in her face when I saw her last night.
This of course has resulted in her missing her last 2 out the of 10 sessions of radiotherapy down at Maidstone so they are thinking of transferring her to Maidstone Hospital, today perhaps, so she would be on site to receive the last 2 sessions - it still remains to be seen.
The radiotherapy has left her feeling very tired and we have had to get a wheelchair for her as her walking has deteriorated a lot in the last few weeks but the chair has at least made it easier for her to get to the Oncology Unit from the car park.
Luckily M is on holiday this week and was hoping to take the girls out a couple of times and they haven't had must of a summer holiday so far this year and they are hoping to be able to go to stay with some friends on Thursday for a few days, so at least they will be doing something different instead of being at home getting bored.
One day I hope to be able to write a lot happier note with some more positive good news and just hope it will be soon.
We thank you for your concern and best wishes you have sent in the past you have all been so kind.
Love from
A.O & U.R
I opened my emails to this news. She is 41 yrs old - 3 young and lovely little girls!
Last evening E was on the phone, so sad having visited her mum and dads friend G. He has been in her life since she was born and she has always considered him and valued him as someone important in her life. For 6 years now he has been battling with Cancer and now it has won. We were talking last night about this vociferous disease and how it grows and grows sucking life for it's own growth. And yet it kills itself by killing it's prey. Not a very clever disease after all.
I was so sad as I listened to E and thought of L but also of my mum. I was glad to be there when she was so, so ill and then died. I wish I had been more compus mentas though. It was such early days after Sturt and although there I was still not fully there. Anyone who has got themselves into recovery of any sort will probably understand what I mean by that.
I wish I could have spoken with her more and been there when it was getting bad. It seemed all so quick for my mum. She had bowel Cancer. That must have been the tail end of 1999 and into 2000. I went into Sturt in 2000. She died of secondary Cancer in November 2001. It was a horrid fight for her. The chemo was so severe she decided to halt the procedure. I always always regret not staying for her birthday. I was too busy being involved with SH. I helped her in the morning and then cried off the actual party. She must have known it was her last but didn't say anything to me. I can never get that time back or make amends for my absence. And it plays on my heart pain when I think about it.
E said that G is very gracious. He is making it so easy for friends and family to be full of their sorrow. He told E that he is not afraid of dying. It's simply the end of living. But he also doesn't want to go. He feels dreadful for leaving his wife who he is completely in love with. She has been widowed before and he feels guilt for putting her through this again. How very selfless in a selfish sort of way, I thought. I can understand not wanting to go. He is grieving the loss of everything and his friends and family are grieving the loss of him as they know it is soon. How very strange it seems when someone is with it and organising themselves. My mum seemed so out of it. Drugged and then slipped into a coma for a week.
How peculiar - the message from TUT today ...
So much to be thankful for, huh, Bliss?
Yet so little time.
Let me start with you -
The Universe
So much time I spend worrying about not being attractive or the right shape and not having enough money. And yet this is all so meaningless in the greater scheme of things. All of my life I have had discontentment and disappointment. It's been a funny start I know and that left me with so much distortion. And now as I am readjusting the view it makes sense to be grateful and enjoy what is good than look at what is missing or not quite right.
I moan about the work, home, study triangle.
I am grateful for the car I have and can afford just enough to get me to work and home again. This enables to have a ob that I enjoy with people I like working with which happens to be a bit of a drive away. It also enables me to get LouLou cared for during the day from wonderful and generous friends. The job gives me money that makes this social world tick. I can afford heating and so on so that my home is comfortable. I have fabulous views - a display of colours every evening and morning - and a very pleasant roof over my head. I can live in this peaceful and pleasant village because of all the things I have to help me get about and because I can pay the rent.
I have funds to get out and about now and again. Galleries, little holidays for example.
I can do my studying which is so interesting and keeps my mind active and interested in the world and the way it works.
I meet fascinating people. People come and they go. The going leaves room for more and new to come in. I am never ever bored.
I can observe myself through my emotions and the thinking that I do, which I think is a very special gift from God, the universe and everything - becoming more consciously aware of self. It is so interesting.
I feel uplifted just thinking about the things that I am grateful for. There isn't time to experience everything and understand all. But I can stay present and enjoy this gift rather than fritter away time worrying about tomorrow or what I haven't got or what isn't quite right. There will always be something that isn't
After all if you look for the cracks in the walls you will find them as they are there. However, there is the rest of the wall and beyond!
What I cannot reconcile is why bad things happen to good people. It seems mean to bring such awful suffering to people that were just going about living their lives.
The Soham girls always springs to my mind. And when people say it is meant to be I do not buy into that. I can accept synchronicity, but it is meant to be! Nah! An evil man murdered those two little girls, that is not meant to be surely. It suggests that God is on charge of everything all of the time. He gave man freewill if we take from the meaning of Genesis. And man is doing with his freewill some destructive things. Lessons? For the good of mankind overall or gradually the extinction of man by man. Perhaps the few that reach Nirvana or peaceful knowing live on as the gentle giants such as dolphins and whales. I know that is random. It is a result of watching a wonderful programme about dolphins and whales. Their way of working together and their apparent emotional peace. And someone said perhaps they are the ones that found peace and decided to return to the sea and stop destroying the world like man is doing. It was disregarded with disdain and contempt. But it made me smile and I had a sense of knowing what was meant.
But why should people be killed off that are good? Perhaps it is simply the destruction of man is not choosy. It doesn't select particularly evil actors because actually it is the race as a whole.
There are no lessons to be learnt unless we learn them. I do not change fast enough to make a difference. I am still greedy for things and experiences. I want to learn and grow but look to externals for this development. I am not developed enough to be able to learn from within. I want money and things (not so much things). I want comfort and security. If only I could simplify and trust more and more. I mix with people who in the main are similar to me. I could move beyond these circles and therefore remove the competitiveness in me and become more content with just how things are.
You see then I am not being grateful for what I have got instead seeking something else. If that becomes possible as a peace within me then it will be so. I can start simplifying once again. I did it before and enjoyed the freedom I felt. Gradually I will work towards this.
I had a dream but have forgotten it yet it seemed so important when I was in the midst of the dream. Oh well.
Bliss
XX
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