What is this that there is death all around right now. T just called me to tell me that Sunny died on 18th August 2011. This is the soonest she has been able to call. And there I was thinking just the other day that I must call her. All these people to keep in contact with and enjoy whilst they are alive. I feel so sad. Sunny was such a lovely man, such a lovely funny fuddy-duddy. Somehow I knew you know. I know that sounds ripe after the news has been told but I just did. I knew I should have called and I didn't because I knew.
I wish I trust my instincts more. I tell myself it's such rubbish. The contact with ML, there is some sort of awareness about with that too, although thankfully her daughter is making such a wonderful recovery. I knew L was dying. E's friend is dying.
http://la-biscotte-ecrasee.blogspot.com/
It feels almost too much to comprehend. All this death. All this loss. All this sadness amongst people that survive. My auntie, T, my uncle, the 3 little girls, M and everyone.... it suddenly feels so overwhelming. I am not sure I can cope with so much death. But of course I can. Nothing I cannot cope with is sent to me.
I was imagining taking my last breath. It leaves me with a little panic. Wondering if that last breath feels like suffocation. I am claustrophobic I have realised and suffocating fills me with terror. And I imagine that gasping for my last breath. The gone bit is OK. I wonder if it's so horrible taking that last breath or if there is some peace and shut down within the brain. Who knows? No one knows.
I think if people were to know I think like this they would think I was macabre and strange. Is it so strange. I wonder what it must be like knowing and saying goodbye must be so sad. I hope, I truly hope that I will have learnt to be gracious and calm. That I will be able to comfort if anyone is sad around me. I would like to be able to be dignified and wise and support anyone close to me in their dignity.
It's just so sad that those lovely people are no longer here. They are in my heart - how weird that I was sort of expecting that call and knew instantly I saw T's name on my phone. Do I remove Sunny's name alongside hers?
There is a certain knowing and acceptance I feel. I understand. I know that life as I know it comes to an end. I think I am scared of losing LouLou. As I watch her getting older and little things are taking their toll on her. She is my companion and with me for so long. She represents so much of my recent life. And it breaks my heart to imagine life without her. Yet I also understand. Life comes to a close.
I wonder what mark I leave if any on this planet of lives that will go on without me?
Bliss
XX
I wish I trust my instincts more. I tell myself it's such rubbish. The contact with ML, there is some sort of awareness about with that too, although thankfully her daughter is making such a wonderful recovery. I knew L was dying. E's friend is dying.
http://la-biscotte-ecrasee.blogspot.com/
It feels almost too much to comprehend. All this death. All this loss. All this sadness amongst people that survive. My auntie, T, my uncle, the 3 little girls, M and everyone.... it suddenly feels so overwhelming. I am not sure I can cope with so much death. But of course I can. Nothing I cannot cope with is sent to me.
I was imagining taking my last breath. It leaves me with a little panic. Wondering if that last breath feels like suffocation. I am claustrophobic I have realised and suffocating fills me with terror. And I imagine that gasping for my last breath. The gone bit is OK. I wonder if it's so horrible taking that last breath or if there is some peace and shut down within the brain. Who knows? No one knows.
I think if people were to know I think like this they would think I was macabre and strange. Is it so strange. I wonder what it must be like knowing and saying goodbye must be so sad. I hope, I truly hope that I will have learnt to be gracious and calm. That I will be able to comfort if anyone is sad around me. I would like to be able to be dignified and wise and support anyone close to me in their dignity.
It's just so sad that those lovely people are no longer here. They are in my heart - how weird that I was sort of expecting that call and knew instantly I saw T's name on my phone. Do I remove Sunny's name alongside hers?
There is a certain knowing and acceptance I feel. I understand. I know that life as I know it comes to an end. I think I am scared of losing LouLou. As I watch her getting older and little things are taking their toll on her. She is my companion and with me for so long. She represents so much of my recent life. And it breaks my heart to imagine life without her. Yet I also understand. Life comes to a close.
I wonder what mark I leave if any on this planet of lives that will go on without me?
Bliss
XX
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