I think I may be a little "high". I realised this with little tell-tale signs. Such as spending money, paranoia and wanting to write down every little thought. Such as this one. My thoughts seem a little racy and at times, as with the ideas for a new job, there's a touch of grandiosity and also a sense of NOW, urgency. Also I'm finding it difficult and anxiety is increasing to deal with daily issues, they seem enormous and require decisions. I have some ideas for things as I have had with fostering that seem utterly do-able and reasonable to me yet a couple of friends had questioned if I'm high. I just think they're being boring.
What's going on, i.e. the high stress situation at work and an ever increasing study workload could be the cue for this mild high. I don;t know if it's a high because it's very usual for me to be feeling and thinkng how I do.
The paranoia takes the form of me thinking GB doesn't like being around me and my endless nonsense chatting, so when she knows I'm arriving she takes herself off to bed. And then I also think LK may be recording us in the office on her phone and earphone thingy. I also think she's trying to utilise my defect of self-hatred b dropping in little comments, such as " I was surprised that B and C said they didn't know you at all". Whether they know me or not is immaterial, it's her saying it that I question. Is this slight paranoia? I am concerned that neighbours can overhear all my telephone conversations. I can hear downstairs so I assume he can hear me. I never hear the ones to the side but they are always alone so they don;t seem to talk at all.
I was also just pondering the idea that people lack harmony between each other and this is humanness not God. I am confused about me judging LK as quite unwell. What right do I have to make such a judgement. I strongly sense anger and dislike or contempt or disdain from her towards me. So this is disharmony or harmony between us? Harmony in the semse that I sense something strong from her to me and in return I dislike and disrespect her. From the start she wasn't ever going to PD but I wasn't expecting this. So where does the discord begin? I simply don't like what I see. This is disharmony then on whose part? There is no harmony between us and it seems that it's not possible to find a middle road because she is unwilling to shift. She has no boundaries - I am making a judgement. Maybe she has but her boundaries are so very different from my own. God please can you show me how harmony can be achieved with this situation. I trust that it is possible.
And then I asked my sponsor B about my confusion and she helped me. What I have understood but I suspect not yet felt is this:
Keeping the focus on me for a moment and truly knowing that I have this mental illness whereby I have self hatred, when I make mistakes I judge myself so harshly I tend annihilate myself. So when people appear to be judging me I assume they want to annihilate me. Now when I can stop wanting to annihilate myself and start loving me rather than hating me, then I will love all and it won't matter if they are judging me harshly or not. It's the same experience I have had learning about friendship. I never trusted anyone was really a friend, that they would harm me in some way at some point. The truth is that people can and do because they are human but because I trust myself in friendships I am less concerned that they will abandon me and if they do I know that I will be OK. Of course the annihilation can step in so very quickly even though I've had some shift in this area. Again I can all too quickly turn it on myself saying "see, you're not worthy of friendships and no one likes you!". This is a total lie. Lots of people like me and show that they like me with their warmth and friendliness.
I have so much to learn. How often I talk about loving learning. This brings a smile to me as loving learning means I have to have lessons. I don't like the pain of lessons though. I want it all to be painless and smooth. That's no way to learn, not to truly learn so that it becomes a part of my very essence. Otherwise it's purely an intellectual experience. The real lessons come from specific experiences.
I had a horrible dream this morning. I woke up feeling dreadful and very sad. AB and I had a terrible argument. It was public in the fact that ML was there, GB and RB too. Ab was venting how fed up with me she was. This I think is possibly my paranoia playing out. But also how upset and angry I was back at her. I have woken up realising how much I value her and our friendship. I would not want AB to be distant in my life. I do worry that she doesn't want me there so much. But I also think I am quite snappy with AB at the moment. She is more controlling mode right now, drinking more and quite abrupt or snappy at times. I am snappy back fending off her controlling. I see her quite irascible with her mum and telling her sister what she needs to do when she does nothing for herself at all. I have a feeling that as T's visit gets closer (I don't know if it's even happening) that this might be adding to her angst but she's not talking about it. I get a feeling that something is underlying. Her angst decreased slightly after the bridge lunch was over. She was very irascible prior to that. And there were 2 women coming that she had problems with. I have a sense that her issue with the very rich lady is something to do with her own pride around wealth. AB is very complex and very private.
I will tell her how much I value her as my friend and all that she does for me too. And I will try to be less snappy. God please can you help me with harmony in this situation too?
LouLou is lying beside fast asleep.Her paws are against my leg and she's dreaming I suspect as her paws are all twitching. It's so cute. I need to get up and prepare my breakfast but I don't want to disturb her. She rarely sits with me anymore. Is it because she's getting older or because she has move her real alliance to GB or because I'm often stressed??
Who knows. All I know is I love her anyway so so deeply. I wish we could be together forever.
Bliss
XX
What's going on, i.e. the high stress situation at work and an ever increasing study workload could be the cue for this mild high. I don;t know if it's a high because it's very usual for me to be feeling and thinkng how I do.
The paranoia takes the form of me thinking GB doesn't like being around me and my endless nonsense chatting, so when she knows I'm arriving she takes herself off to bed. And then I also think LK may be recording us in the office on her phone and earphone thingy. I also think she's trying to utilise my defect of self-hatred b dropping in little comments, such as " I was surprised that B and C said they didn't know you at all". Whether they know me or not is immaterial, it's her saying it that I question. Is this slight paranoia? I am concerned that neighbours can overhear all my telephone conversations. I can hear downstairs so I assume he can hear me. I never hear the ones to the side but they are always alone so they don;t seem to talk at all.
I was also just pondering the idea that people lack harmony between each other and this is humanness not God. I am confused about me judging LK as quite unwell. What right do I have to make such a judgement. I strongly sense anger and dislike or contempt or disdain from her towards me. So this is disharmony or harmony between us? Harmony in the semse that I sense something strong from her to me and in return I dislike and disrespect her. From the start she wasn't ever going to PD but I wasn't expecting this. So where does the discord begin? I simply don't like what I see. This is disharmony then on whose part? There is no harmony between us and it seems that it's not possible to find a middle road because she is unwilling to shift. She has no boundaries - I am making a judgement. Maybe she has but her boundaries are so very different from my own. God please can you show me how harmony can be achieved with this situation. I trust that it is possible.
And then I asked my sponsor B about my confusion and she helped me. What I have understood but I suspect not yet felt is this:
Keeping the focus on me for a moment and truly knowing that I have this mental illness whereby I have self hatred, when I make mistakes I judge myself so harshly I tend annihilate myself. So when people appear to be judging me I assume they want to annihilate me. Now when I can stop wanting to annihilate myself and start loving me rather than hating me, then I will love all and it won't matter if they are judging me harshly or not. It's the same experience I have had learning about friendship. I never trusted anyone was really a friend, that they would harm me in some way at some point. The truth is that people can and do because they are human but because I trust myself in friendships I am less concerned that they will abandon me and if they do I know that I will be OK. Of course the annihilation can step in so very quickly even though I've had some shift in this area. Again I can all too quickly turn it on myself saying "see, you're not worthy of friendships and no one likes you!". This is a total lie. Lots of people like me and show that they like me with their warmth and friendliness.
I have so much to learn. How often I talk about loving learning. This brings a smile to me as loving learning means I have to have lessons. I don't like the pain of lessons though. I want it all to be painless and smooth. That's no way to learn, not to truly learn so that it becomes a part of my very essence. Otherwise it's purely an intellectual experience. The real lessons come from specific experiences.
I had a horrible dream this morning. I woke up feeling dreadful and very sad. AB and I had a terrible argument. It was public in the fact that ML was there, GB and RB too. Ab was venting how fed up with me she was. This I think is possibly my paranoia playing out. But also how upset and angry I was back at her. I have woken up realising how much I value her and our friendship. I would not want AB to be distant in my life. I do worry that she doesn't want me there so much. But I also think I am quite snappy with AB at the moment. She is more controlling mode right now, drinking more and quite abrupt or snappy at times. I am snappy back fending off her controlling. I see her quite irascible with her mum and telling her sister what she needs to do when she does nothing for herself at all. I have a feeling that as T's visit gets closer (I don't know if it's even happening) that this might be adding to her angst but she's not talking about it. I get a feeling that something is underlying. Her angst decreased slightly after the bridge lunch was over. She was very irascible prior to that. And there were 2 women coming that she had problems with. I have a sense that her issue with the very rich lady is something to do with her own pride around wealth. AB is very complex and very private.
I will tell her how much I value her as my friend and all that she does for me too. And I will try to be less snappy. God please can you help me with harmony in this situation too?
LouLou is lying beside fast asleep.Her paws are against my leg and she's dreaming I suspect as her paws are all twitching. It's so cute. I need to get up and prepare my breakfast but I don't want to disturb her. She rarely sits with me anymore. Is it because she's getting older or because she has move her real alliance to GB or because I'm often stressed??
Who knows. All I know is I love her anyway so so deeply. I wish we could be together forever.
Bliss
XX
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