I notice (but hopefully less so) that if people seem withdrawn in some way, being I'm acutely sensitive to subtle differences in manner or attitude, then I can try harder to get closer somehow. I think for me interrelations are based on layers of my insecurity, hedonism, fears, anger and so on - but when it's just easy it's because I'm being myself, relaxed, not trying too hard, wanting to put effort into the interactions, not wanting anything from the person other than their company. Yes a very interesting thought Tone. If I start thinking I need something or want something then it's suddenly become about me again rather than about the other person. In the past I've been overly trusting and not permitted friendships or indeed sexual relationships to develop. I've been full on and of course I see how I want something not so healthy from that particular encounter. But also along the way I've met incredible people. Some are still in my life.
Lots are not.
One trait I've dislike in me is the making of friendships because someone else I know is friends with them. I recognise I get scared of being left out or not as likable as the new person and will be abandoned.
Them being interested in me - I need to think about this more
Just some ramblings on the ideas of friendship I had the other day.
What are my thoughts on friendship today?
Today I am worried that with friends they see me on best behaviour and that if they saw the real me they wouldn't really like me. I think this is based on beliefs I've been carrying since last Tuesday when I heard LK say that she had a problem with me. She talked about the dynamic between us. When I felt that I am having a problem with the way she is. I have been trying to say that I am simply attempting to show her how things have been and somehow she takes this as being a criticism resulting in a battle ground. She said that she doesn't know how I'm going to be on any day as my attitude seems to fluctuate. I was surprised by this but also can recognise that some days I'm better at holding it together than on some other days. Why that is I have no idea? I mean why some days are more difficult than others to let go. I think when I see things being done that to me seem irrational or unjust then I get afraid and more controlling.
How this is anything to do with friendship is probably baffling. But to me this is evidence of me being a problem and not likable. There is something about me that people don't like. And as I type this I would be afraid of all the people who have ever known me saying "Yes! You are such a bad person and a problem". There are friends of course who say but look at the counter evidence. And right now I just think that actually they only see me on best behaviour. Once they really get to know me they get to see all the defects. I'm not clear what they are.
I cannot find positivity today. each day gets a little lower. The wanting to run away. And this has been triggered by what seems an untenable situation yet a prison. I cannot leave as I cannot find another job. By the way wherever I go there will someone else the same.
It's so horrid. She actually said she has no problem with SH and practically ignores AW but me she has a problem with.
I do not want to work with someone who has so much of a problem with me. And there is no apparent solution. And this then effects the feelings and thoughts I have about myself. In turn this has had an effect on a lack of application to my studying. I am so, so tired and I'm pretty certain it's me holding on to the situation.
I can draw on further evidence of being unlikeable - JP, AW, CS. Ex boyfriends are a different matter all together. And oddly I'm friendly with most of them that I've any contact with at all. After many years there is still a friendliness. Oddly though I can see why I'm not with them too. They are not bad people, just incompatible. It was never going to be I just couldn't see it in the beginning and wanted it to be OK.
I dreamt of CO this morning. I was somewhere, not sure where now when this guy who in my dream I knew but in wakefulness I don't recognise him. He asked me to attend an event with him the following day. I hesitated, not actually answering, or maybe giving an excuse about not going. Then CO came along and asked me to go with him. I accepted. It felt nice being with him. It always was but at the time it was all so messed up. I was married to his best friend. It was peculiar what was going on.
He seemed to fall in love with me and wanted to rescue me from DM. After DM was hitting me and usually very drunk. It was wild though. Secret togetherness. He even came to a family event, I mean with my mum and dad and it was clear we were very much together. I wonder what my mum and dad thought. They must have been baffled by me.
He wanted me to run away to his fathers island off the coast of Scotland. He was a high achiever and earner himself. Things could have been so different. The thing is I didn't love him. Despite all the meetings and time together which was easy as DM was never really about, I could not get out of the desire for DM. Always the angry avoidant you see. CO and DM could never be friends again. Not like they used to be, they had been best friends.
This dream this morning seemed to be a way out though. Just what I want - to be rescued with the intent of being able to do as I please and not have to deal with people like this situation I have at work.
OK thoughts on friendship has dissolved into something else - self esteem, self confidence.
Talking with B this morning about how the evidence I have compiled to support my self hatred comes from people who I didn't trust or were horrid to me. For example my dad, AW, CS. JP I never really did know where I stood with her but I liked her nonetheless. However, the point is I am basing my evidence on people I wasn't comfy with.
ET phoned me just yesterday because she needed to call out. I haven't called anyone other than my sponsor. I need to call people today. I suspect some of my low mood and lack of confidence is piled high with not getting any studying done. And not studying has occurred with both tiredness and the issues I've been holding over the past couple of weeks.
I don't feel great about what I haven't done and worried too. So that piles onto the self-hatred. Failure and sense of failure.
So I am seeing a little more clearly today and what needs to be separated out. I also see what action I need to take to help lift my mood.
OK I'm going to post this now - I will get on with some studying. Anyone reading all of this will no doubt have switched off ages ago because it's boringly tedious. It's my thinking though. I go over and over and over things. In my mind I think every Blog entry should be something of super interest and really grab attention. And when it doesn't it's more evidence that I am not worthwhile enough to know or read about. This negativity is what keeps me down in the dark, damp, stinky bottomless pit
of sorrow. Self pity? Most likely.
A gratitude list will help -
Friends who have invited me to stay with them and paid for my ticket.
Wish I'd have gone to the stables with Rosie
To be in Spain away from everything and time to ask God for guidance. Not engage with the contention and not to be contentious about the situation. I don't have to here.
Sunshine today and the chance to swim in a while with the kids
Lots of sleeping time
A laptop that was given to me through the disabled students allowance
Friends - ET, ML who listen to me when I'm up or down
A journal to read
Friends to email
Sunshine
Bliss
XX
Lots are not.
One trait I've dislike in me is the making of friendships because someone else I know is friends with them. I recognise I get scared of being left out or not as likable as the new person and will be abandoned.
Them being interested in me - I need to think about this more
Just some ramblings on the ideas of friendship I had the other day.
What are my thoughts on friendship today?
Today I am worried that with friends they see me on best behaviour and that if they saw the real me they wouldn't really like me. I think this is based on beliefs I've been carrying since last Tuesday when I heard LK say that she had a problem with me. She talked about the dynamic between us. When I felt that I am having a problem with the way she is. I have been trying to say that I am simply attempting to show her how things have been and somehow she takes this as being a criticism resulting in a battle ground. She said that she doesn't know how I'm going to be on any day as my attitude seems to fluctuate. I was surprised by this but also can recognise that some days I'm better at holding it together than on some other days. Why that is I have no idea? I mean why some days are more difficult than others to let go. I think when I see things being done that to me seem irrational or unjust then I get afraid and more controlling.
How this is anything to do with friendship is probably baffling. But to me this is evidence of me being a problem and not likable. There is something about me that people don't like. And as I type this I would be afraid of all the people who have ever known me saying "Yes! You are such a bad person and a problem". There are friends of course who say but look at the counter evidence. And right now I just think that actually they only see me on best behaviour. Once they really get to know me they get to see all the defects. I'm not clear what they are.
I cannot find positivity today. each day gets a little lower. The wanting to run away. And this has been triggered by what seems an untenable situation yet a prison. I cannot leave as I cannot find another job. By the way wherever I go there will someone else the same.
It's so horrid. She actually said she has no problem with SH and practically ignores AW but me she has a problem with.
I do not want to work with someone who has so much of a problem with me. And there is no apparent solution. And this then effects the feelings and thoughts I have about myself. In turn this has had an effect on a lack of application to my studying. I am so, so tired and I'm pretty certain it's me holding on to the situation.
I can draw on further evidence of being unlikeable - JP, AW, CS. Ex boyfriends are a different matter all together. And oddly I'm friendly with most of them that I've any contact with at all. After many years there is still a friendliness. Oddly though I can see why I'm not with them too. They are not bad people, just incompatible. It was never going to be I just couldn't see it in the beginning and wanted it to be OK.
I dreamt of CO this morning. I was somewhere, not sure where now when this guy who in my dream I knew but in wakefulness I don't recognise him. He asked me to attend an event with him the following day. I hesitated, not actually answering, or maybe giving an excuse about not going. Then CO came along and asked me to go with him. I accepted. It felt nice being with him. It always was but at the time it was all so messed up. I was married to his best friend. It was peculiar what was going on.
He seemed to fall in love with me and wanted to rescue me from DM. After DM was hitting me and usually very drunk. It was wild though. Secret togetherness. He even came to a family event, I mean with my mum and dad and it was clear we were very much together. I wonder what my mum and dad thought. They must have been baffled by me.
He wanted me to run away to his fathers island off the coast of Scotland. He was a high achiever and earner himself. Things could have been so different. The thing is I didn't love him. Despite all the meetings and time together which was easy as DM was never really about, I could not get out of the desire for DM. Always the angry avoidant you see. CO and DM could never be friends again. Not like they used to be, they had been best friends.
This dream this morning seemed to be a way out though. Just what I want - to be rescued with the intent of being able to do as I please and not have to deal with people like this situation I have at work.
OK thoughts on friendship has dissolved into something else - self esteem, self confidence.
Talking with B this morning about how the evidence I have compiled to support my self hatred comes from people who I didn't trust or were horrid to me. For example my dad, AW, CS. JP I never really did know where I stood with her but I liked her nonetheless. However, the point is I am basing my evidence on people I wasn't comfy with.
ET phoned me just yesterday because she needed to call out. I haven't called anyone other than my sponsor. I need to call people today. I suspect some of my low mood and lack of confidence is piled high with not getting any studying done. And not studying has occurred with both tiredness and the issues I've been holding over the past couple of weeks.
I don't feel great about what I haven't done and worried too. So that piles onto the self-hatred. Failure and sense of failure.
So I am seeing a little more clearly today and what needs to be separated out. I also see what action I need to take to help lift my mood.
OK I'm going to post this now - I will get on with some studying. Anyone reading all of this will no doubt have switched off ages ago because it's boringly tedious. It's my thinking though. I go over and over and over things. In my mind I think every Blog entry should be something of super interest and really grab attention. And when it doesn't it's more evidence that I am not worthwhile enough to know or read about. This negativity is what keeps me down in the dark, damp, stinky bottomless pit
of sorrow. Self pity? Most likely.
A gratitude list will help -
Friends who have invited me to stay with them and paid for my ticket.
Wish I'd have gone to the stables with Rosie
To be in Spain away from everything and time to ask God for guidance. Not engage with the contention and not to be contentious about the situation. I don't have to here.
Sunshine today and the chance to swim in a while with the kids
Lots of sleeping time
A laptop that was given to me through the disabled students allowance
Friends - ET, ML who listen to me when I'm up or down
A journal to read
Friends to email
Sunshine
Bliss
XX
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