the line of security verses repression is what I'm talking about.
I'm not sure if it's a bi-polar thing, all these extremes and then the gap where the fine line is.
So today I decided to return to Day 1. What does this mean? This means I have an opportunity to really look at my powerlessness. I cannot afford to be anything but entirely and utterly vigilant. That means being precise about my measurements of my food. Not a little ore or a little less. And every measurement and chosen food item matters. When I allow thins to just go by as if unnoticed this is the slippery slope down. Now I think this is security although at times I can think it's repression, too rigid and rigidity can seem tedious. When I listen to others it can sway me and I can forget the power food can have over me. I can feel so miserable and become suicidal. I feel imprisoned and break free by more eating and for a second I don't give a damn. But then guilt and the shame ensues and I need m ore food to deaden that. This is repression surely.
And all through that "ah! lets get free and easy" attitude. Rebellion? It's not as strong as rebellion I don't think. Rebellion to me is far more forceful and visibly destructive. This is a much quieter form of rebellion. Is there another description for it? A desire for nonconformity. Because conforming seems weak and boring to me. A sheep not a leader. Someone who can't think for themselves. It's also about how other will think of me. This is the mental illness? To think that conforming makes me a weak, pathetic person. How can I let the security of routine just be and it's that security that permits me to be free and creative.
This resonates with the Marcia theory of adolescence and part of the psychosocial identity theory of Eriksson. He talked about identity theories within the stages that Erikkson proposed. There is also a link as I see it with Bowlby's attachment theory. There is this period of adolescence that in my mind is a preparation for moving into adulthood. And within a secure family the adolescent is able to start exploring a broader patch of life, developing ones own network and seeing and experiencing beyond the safety of the home and parents. It's a time of beginning to develop opinions of ones own. I think parents have a difficult time with this as it represents change and change represents loss. My dad for example never seems to deal with this with any of the children he befriends. And he became unbearably controlling when I reached this stage. And of course this has an impact.
In my view this period of growth is to be able to go out and get into scrapes and make mistakes but to be able to come home to the family and address the issues that arise, explore and understand the mistakes and go forth and try again. But if there is dysfunction within the family and too repressive an approach or an attitude of no boundaries, then already the set up is influencing how this period of growth will be affected. For example if parents are too controlling there will be a sense of insecurity - too controlling could be too strict and high expectations with shaming being the way of punishing, even if this all occurs at an unconscious level. So when mistakes happen in adolescence the family home is the last place to go back and review the situation. I think this is where the extended family of the past was a useful resource as well that is missing today. Sometimes it is difficult to talk with parents that might be easier and one removed from over protection with grand parents. Of course I see how over the years there is dysfunction in that. There is imperfection within all humans so of course there will always be dysfunction. But also there are devastating effects of the extended family too. Incest, rape, meanness and so on. We all know the horrors. And entrapment. The roaming families for want of a better term mean that people have had broader experience without the shackles of the extended family. There are pros and cons of course. But if people were to keep becoming more consciously aware of all the interactions, environmental, social, as Sameroff described in the complex Transaction Model of development, then we could all be working towards improvement all of the time. Instead of just trying to get it right I think for me I just need to keep becoming conscious and looking for ways to improve. Perfection is Nirvana and Nirvana is when I die.
So where was I? Way off the track. But along similar parallels. Teh creation of security without repressing. So anyway yes the family duty is to create security without repressing or indeed creating over confidence. Somewhere in the middle is balance. And I never think the fine line is one single line, I think that balance is within a varying amount. In psychological statistics I think that would be the confidence intervals. It's an inference that there is a balance and it differs between individuals sowhere between this and this. So say there is a variotion from 1 to 100, the fine lines or interval of balance between security and repression would perhaps be between 45 and 55. An everyone has to find for themselves where they are within that. And that presents another influential dilemma. The balance interval for onw person maybe different from their own child. So if a parent tries to impose their own balance on another it immediately creates an influence. So how to develop that trust in the Universe to just be there as a support whilst also ensuring there is security throuh boundaries. So long as there is felxibility and not rigidity then all will be well? It's so complex huh!
No wonder I've been baffled recently and prior to my recovery years note ven aware of teh balance intervals. My parents certainly didn;t really show me. I think my mum may have had more of an idea but dad was rigid and controlling for certain, no benefit of the doubt there. However, I can understand more these days and so am more forgiving and less blaming. That's a blessed relief, Thank you God. To be free of that resentment is just freeing beyond anything I could imagine. And hence I think I've found the route through my struggles at work slightly easier and faster to stop and loo at. Yes it's been since January but I'm pleased that it's only May and thigns within me are so different.
And so doors are opening even if they are not all seeming right at this moment. Portsmout, Southampton, even Bognor. I just need to go and explore them. hence I need to complete the application forms.
So with my food it's security for me to follow the precise food plan and trust that the fellowship is working for everyone not destroying them. I see it working. I trust my sponsor through her experience, she is not trying to stifle me, she is trying to help me. And I know that withut that certainty of my food I take advantage. It's the mental illness of wanting more and wanting tings my way and believeing that I can get away with that or this because I can control that. I know from years of experience that I simply cannot control my food at all. I am utterly powerless. So by keeping that absolutely tight, it is possible to have freedom and creativity in other ways. Why on earth would I not want to do that. It's my anger seeping out in a subtle way? Anger becoming control?
I've been angry at work and it's diminished into frustration but when I'm frustrated I can get very stompy footed, and thinking why can't people just do it my way!!?
Plus there's the ongoing insecurity with my finances. It's scary. The future is scary. It's another fine line and balance interval. Living in today and trusting that tomorrow all will be well. But unless I am investing in today then I'm not taking responsibility for tomorrow. Then I think well I could be dead tomorrow so why not spend what I have in today and enjoy it. But then tomorrow I wake up and I've less for that day.
What about having to work forever into my old age, when already I get so tired. But then if I'm doing something I love within an environment I enjoy then I'm not so drained. But what if I'm not doing something I love in an environment I enjoy - well work through it and as I'm seeing doors will open. So long as I keep looking and then filling the other areas of my life with things and people I do enjoy I am getting sustenance enough. I can be content with my best efforts.
I think I'm seeing it. I feel repressed at work but at the same time there is security as I know what I am heading for each day. I'm getting the opprtunity to develop as a person. And when I take on a happy attitude it is actually even fun. After all L and I had a little laugh yesterday afternoon. It was brief and silly but a luagh it was nonetheless. She did a lot of the groups too. So she wants to work like a trooper then that's what she's doing. I don't like working at that pace and get too tired to keep it up. I am taking care of myself by saying so.
It will be an interesting Supervision session as I feel very different. I will listen and observe once again.
So I am at Day 1. This means no eating out for 90 days. That will probably incvenience a few people over my birthday for example but AB already conceded that it's up to me what I want to do for food on my birthday. And she really does not understand the principles I am only just getting to grips with msyelf. Why would she?
Oh we discussed the fine line of telling friends things like they are putting on weight or their behaviour seems out of order. I thin there is a way of doing this. Saying how I feel about someones behaviour is one thing. And then it's up to them whether it is a problem for them or not and want to change.
I have noticed that RB is putting on weight and changing shape. I want to say something but it's difficult. She does not ask for an opinion but when I knew I was putting on weight I didn't want others to say anything. On the otherhand it's the truth and knowing how sensitive she is about eating and size (I believe she's a foody) then it would be helpful. or would it? I am uncertain. I need tot ake this to quiet time. Perhaps the truth is something to be said but to be considerate of the individual involved may mean not saying anything. I am just not sure. Is it any of my business? This is the balance interval of discretion and brutal honesty. In retrospect I am very glad that ML told me about how she felt when I was darkly involved with SL. Darkly I say because it was day and night and then took me into darker arenas within it. I knew there was shame because I was justifying it and keeping activities secret. If my conscience is clear and my motives pure I do not need to hide anything from anyone. But of course there is discretion. An that is something I need to discern by listening to God.
God, please show me what I need to do with this matter of honesty but maintaining a person dignity. This is a part of my job too really. Learning ow to say things to open up the awareness for the person but without being antogonistic and creatign hostility. This is a balance interval that is very valuable and very difficult to attain. It is a gift of God.
As always I welcome any input. I know though only one friend who dips into this Blog. It's a serious matter of learnign about life and people. Yet no one is erading it and so no one is contributing. It's a pity really as there is an entire world of resource out there at my finger tips. All with differing views that could be so useful for me. And no one ever comments. Oh well. I will take these questions I have, with genuine interest and a desire to be better as a person, to God.
Thank you God for the gift of thought and writing to be able to spill all my thoughts out.
Bliss
XX
I'm not sure if it's a bi-polar thing, all these extremes and then the gap where the fine line is.
So today I decided to return to Day 1. What does this mean? This means I have an opportunity to really look at my powerlessness. I cannot afford to be anything but entirely and utterly vigilant. That means being precise about my measurements of my food. Not a little ore or a little less. And every measurement and chosen food item matters. When I allow thins to just go by as if unnoticed this is the slippery slope down. Now I think this is security although at times I can think it's repression, too rigid and rigidity can seem tedious. When I listen to others it can sway me and I can forget the power food can have over me. I can feel so miserable and become suicidal. I feel imprisoned and break free by more eating and for a second I don't give a damn. But then guilt and the shame ensues and I need m ore food to deaden that. This is repression surely.
And all through that "ah! lets get free and easy" attitude. Rebellion? It's not as strong as rebellion I don't think. Rebellion to me is far more forceful and visibly destructive. This is a much quieter form of rebellion. Is there another description for it? A desire for nonconformity. Because conforming seems weak and boring to me. A sheep not a leader. Someone who can't think for themselves. It's also about how other will think of me. This is the mental illness? To think that conforming makes me a weak, pathetic person. How can I let the security of routine just be and it's that security that permits me to be free and creative.
This resonates with the Marcia theory of adolescence and part of the psychosocial identity theory of Eriksson. He talked about identity theories within the stages that Erikkson proposed. There is also a link as I see it with Bowlby's attachment theory. There is this period of adolescence that in my mind is a preparation for moving into adulthood. And within a secure family the adolescent is able to start exploring a broader patch of life, developing ones own network and seeing and experiencing beyond the safety of the home and parents. It's a time of beginning to develop opinions of ones own. I think parents have a difficult time with this as it represents change and change represents loss. My dad for example never seems to deal with this with any of the children he befriends. And he became unbearably controlling when I reached this stage. And of course this has an impact.
In my view this period of growth is to be able to go out and get into scrapes and make mistakes but to be able to come home to the family and address the issues that arise, explore and understand the mistakes and go forth and try again. But if there is dysfunction within the family and too repressive an approach or an attitude of no boundaries, then already the set up is influencing how this period of growth will be affected. For example if parents are too controlling there will be a sense of insecurity - too controlling could be too strict and high expectations with shaming being the way of punishing, even if this all occurs at an unconscious level. So when mistakes happen in adolescence the family home is the last place to go back and review the situation. I think this is where the extended family of the past was a useful resource as well that is missing today. Sometimes it is difficult to talk with parents that might be easier and one removed from over protection with grand parents. Of course I see how over the years there is dysfunction in that. There is imperfection within all humans so of course there will always be dysfunction. But also there are devastating effects of the extended family too. Incest, rape, meanness and so on. We all know the horrors. And entrapment. The roaming families for want of a better term mean that people have had broader experience without the shackles of the extended family. There are pros and cons of course. But if people were to keep becoming more consciously aware of all the interactions, environmental, social, as Sameroff described in the complex Transaction Model of development, then we could all be working towards improvement all of the time. Instead of just trying to get it right I think for me I just need to keep becoming conscious and looking for ways to improve. Perfection is Nirvana and Nirvana is when I die.
So where was I? Way off the track. But along similar parallels. Teh creation of security without repressing. So anyway yes the family duty is to create security without repressing or indeed creating over confidence. Somewhere in the middle is balance. And I never think the fine line is one single line, I think that balance is within a varying amount. In psychological statistics I think that would be the confidence intervals. It's an inference that there is a balance and it differs between individuals sowhere between this and this. So say there is a variotion from 1 to 100, the fine lines or interval of balance between security and repression would perhaps be between 45 and 55. An everyone has to find for themselves where they are within that. And that presents another influential dilemma. The balance interval for onw person maybe different from their own child. So if a parent tries to impose their own balance on another it immediately creates an influence. So how to develop that trust in the Universe to just be there as a support whilst also ensuring there is security throuh boundaries. So long as there is felxibility and not rigidity then all will be well? It's so complex huh!
No wonder I've been baffled recently and prior to my recovery years note ven aware of teh balance intervals. My parents certainly didn;t really show me. I think my mum may have had more of an idea but dad was rigid and controlling for certain, no benefit of the doubt there. However, I can understand more these days and so am more forgiving and less blaming. That's a blessed relief, Thank you God. To be free of that resentment is just freeing beyond anything I could imagine. And hence I think I've found the route through my struggles at work slightly easier and faster to stop and loo at. Yes it's been since January but I'm pleased that it's only May and thigns within me are so different.
And so doors are opening even if they are not all seeming right at this moment. Portsmout, Southampton, even Bognor. I just need to go and explore them. hence I need to complete the application forms.
So with my food it's security for me to follow the precise food plan and trust that the fellowship is working for everyone not destroying them. I see it working. I trust my sponsor through her experience, she is not trying to stifle me, she is trying to help me. And I know that withut that certainty of my food I take advantage. It's the mental illness of wanting more and wanting tings my way and believeing that I can get away with that or this because I can control that. I know from years of experience that I simply cannot control my food at all. I am utterly powerless. So by keeping that absolutely tight, it is possible to have freedom and creativity in other ways. Why on earth would I not want to do that. It's my anger seeping out in a subtle way? Anger becoming control?
I've been angry at work and it's diminished into frustration but when I'm frustrated I can get very stompy footed, and thinking why can't people just do it my way!!?
Plus there's the ongoing insecurity with my finances. It's scary. The future is scary. It's another fine line and balance interval. Living in today and trusting that tomorrow all will be well. But unless I am investing in today then I'm not taking responsibility for tomorrow. Then I think well I could be dead tomorrow so why not spend what I have in today and enjoy it. But then tomorrow I wake up and I've less for that day.
What about having to work forever into my old age, when already I get so tired. But then if I'm doing something I love within an environment I enjoy then I'm not so drained. But what if I'm not doing something I love in an environment I enjoy - well work through it and as I'm seeing doors will open. So long as I keep looking and then filling the other areas of my life with things and people I do enjoy I am getting sustenance enough. I can be content with my best efforts.
I think I'm seeing it. I feel repressed at work but at the same time there is security as I know what I am heading for each day. I'm getting the opprtunity to develop as a person. And when I take on a happy attitude it is actually even fun. After all L and I had a little laugh yesterday afternoon. It was brief and silly but a luagh it was nonetheless. She did a lot of the groups too. So she wants to work like a trooper then that's what she's doing. I don't like working at that pace and get too tired to keep it up. I am taking care of myself by saying so.
It will be an interesting Supervision session as I feel very different. I will listen and observe once again.
So I am at Day 1. This means no eating out for 90 days. That will probably incvenience a few people over my birthday for example but AB already conceded that it's up to me what I want to do for food on my birthday. And she really does not understand the principles I am only just getting to grips with msyelf. Why would she?
Oh we discussed the fine line of telling friends things like they are putting on weight or their behaviour seems out of order. I thin there is a way of doing this. Saying how I feel about someones behaviour is one thing. And then it's up to them whether it is a problem for them or not and want to change.
I have noticed that RB is putting on weight and changing shape. I want to say something but it's difficult. She does not ask for an opinion but when I knew I was putting on weight I didn't want others to say anything. On the otherhand it's the truth and knowing how sensitive she is about eating and size (I believe she's a foody) then it would be helpful. or would it? I am uncertain. I need tot ake this to quiet time. Perhaps the truth is something to be said but to be considerate of the individual involved may mean not saying anything. I am just not sure. Is it any of my business? This is the balance interval of discretion and brutal honesty. In retrospect I am very glad that ML told me about how she felt when I was darkly involved with SL. Darkly I say because it was day and night and then took me into darker arenas within it. I knew there was shame because I was justifying it and keeping activities secret. If my conscience is clear and my motives pure I do not need to hide anything from anyone. But of course there is discretion. An that is something I need to discern by listening to God.
God, please show me what I need to do with this matter of honesty but maintaining a person dignity. This is a part of my job too really. Learning ow to say things to open up the awareness for the person but without being antogonistic and creatign hostility. This is a balance interval that is very valuable and very difficult to attain. It is a gift of God.
As always I welcome any input. I know though only one friend who dips into this Blog. It's a serious matter of learnign about life and people. Yet no one is erading it and so no one is contributing. It's a pity really as there is an entire world of resource out there at my finger tips. All with differing views that could be so useful for me. And no one ever comments. Oh well. I will take these questions I have, with genuine interest and a desire to be better as a person, to God.
Thank you God for the gift of thought and writing to be able to spill all my thoughts out.
Bliss
XX
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