I'm fretting now codependently about T and her baggage. I'm trying to remind myself that we invited her along but that doesn't mean I'm responsible for resolving her issue. I am a bit list suddenly in this and it adds to my overwhelmed feeling right now. It comes and goes. If she came from the start I guess the costs are shared from the start ie petrol, accom etc. however I'd also like some you and me days. Gosh that sounds funny in writing. Plus and this may sound dreadful I have no idea how it would be being with T for 7 days. Probably easy and there will be space for private time I'm sure. I think I am pretty easy going as to arrangements - or am I demanding? Sometimes I think I over organise because I need certainty and struggle just going with the flow. I think I'm having a moment of crisis about who I am and what I want in this moment. Probably would not send this text for worry that it would add to your worries especially knowing you are concerned about your mood. So part of me thinks I have absolutely no issues with T coming along from the very start and it makes practical sense. The other part of me thinks a simple couple of days meandering our journey with just you is what I'd enjoy. I've let her know again that we are doing some things the first 2 days and the plan is to meet her after that. I've also said about the limited space in the car. I'll be speaking with T tomorrow evening just so that you know.
I wrote this mind wonder yesterday morning. You see I am so codependent I do not what I really want and maybe it's because I really and truly don't mind. There are questions with both options. The first, spending time with M alone is real. It would be nice and we always have fun together whatever we are doing and however we have that fun. And it's true that being with T for an entire week is an unknown and there is an invasion on territory. However. I really really enjoy T's company and the other option is meeting T from the start. It would be more convenient for her and the costs would be shared from the start too. I really don't mind someone else coming along. I do have concerns about the competitiveness that can occur in me when there is a group of three. I can swing from being left out to trying to take over one friendship meaning that another gets excluded. God with your help thank You for removing this element of "game-paying" that arises within me even if it comes into play for anyone else. Thank You for the awareness and the foresight, therefore I welcome your help to remove this defect of character. What is the defect? Jealousy, low self-esteem, possessiveness. They are all off springs from one and other I realise. There probably is not one single defect there but several - although they all come down to self hatred and fear. God help me to not be afraid and help me to stop being full of self hatred in fact any hatred at all. It is destructive and unhelpful. Thank You God.
So I put the suggestion to M to see what she would prefer and God please help me to know which is the best option for all concerned.
I have a delightful day. I am looking after the pack - Molly, Harry and of course LouLou. The B's are going for a day out and it is an opportunity for me to have the entire pack all to myself. I a going to watch a film and read books and lounge about. I may even have a nap. Somehow, even though it is annual leave, it feels like a free day.
Oh and yesterday it was whispered to me by a friend that the HD is leaving in 2 weeks - rapid! And F is coming back as the HD. Yippppppeeeeee. I think my expectations are high for immediate changes and for the better to suit me. But the reality is probably going to be very different. Please God help to remove my expectations so that I am not even further saddened. I don't like the way I need to embark upon niggling away at the way L is with S. Whenever L is out of the way we gripe about her. There is something I get from it. And that is I exterminate her soul and that makes me feel better. So ugly, I don't want to do that because actually I know she has a good kind heart and shows it. She is very generous, in fact overly generous. What it does help me with is vindication. When I am uncertain as to whether her behaviour is bullying or in someway inappropriate I need some other way to discover this. It's almost childlike. Something feels wrong inside of me and yet I don't know whether it is or not because it seems to be coming from an authority. It is a parent-child situation for sure. So what I need to do is find an appropriate way to raise the question without sounding accusational. God thank You for this awareness. And thank You for showing me the way ahead. I need some help now to do this. It will be better for me as a person, checking rather than damning or assuming or being so flipping righteous. So what are the way to ask questions about this?
For example with her telling me/us several times that she is going to take on a clients request for L to sponsor, as in 12 step sponsor. It seems to me to be truly crossing and ethical boundary. I don't need FDAP or BACP to tell me this, it just seems far too blurred. I am sure I read in FDAP ethics that one should not befriend in any way a client before they are two years beyond the treatment sessions. And I'm sure this came up with the whole I and C situation. But L keeps quoting FDAP as if there is approval of such a situation and approval to take clients to meetings etc. It all seems so wrong and potentially dangerous even though I can't see all the possible dangers like S does. It's when I talk to her that more awareness of dangers arise.
I do have this situation right now where my friends sister is dating an ex-client. It was inevitably risky taking in a friends sister int he first place. But this was not what I expected at all. It feels awkward. I took it to supervision and got some good feedback. oddly enough I did not agree with PD's feedback. It was I and P who both thought there was something sinister under this guy. I think there remains something difficult for him to reveal and in fact I think it's his sexuality. I think R will get hurt along the way of this. But in the meantime my opinions aside I need to speak with D to set some boundaries. I do not want to talk about the P or individuals there and I also want to say that it feels awkward having worked with him and his wife but also to reassure him that the confidentiality act still stands. I will ask him next time if we could speak in private. I also need to speak with A, G and R to reiterate the confidentiality act. I will not speak even in jest with R about her time at the P. If she ever wants to talk to me about it then we can do that in private. I need to remain professional and keep my family world protected for me and for them and for us. It's important to me.
So today. I am going to watch Avatar the film. I'm taking my big art book that A gave to me for my birthday. I will take the work books and the Uni books. My courses are now confirmed for September this year and for January next year. I trust God that somehow we can work it together so that I have enough money to afford trips to London, galleries, holidays and of course firstly and foremost cover all my living costs - as well as have enough time to study to the best of my potential - thank You God. I just know it will all be OK. I would really like to study but I truly need your help in balancing all of this. Please show me the way you have in mind.
And that brings me to the JFT reading - the meditation part ....
"Many things can upset you and you can easily get off the track. But remember that God is near you all the time, ready to help you if you call on Him. You can not forever stand against God's will for you, nor can you forever upset God's plan for your life, even though God's plan may be postponed by your willfulness and deliberate choice of evil. A whole world of men and women cannot permanently change God's laws nor His purpose for the Universe. The sea of life may look very rough to us, but we can believe that our Captain steers the boat on a straight course"
Gosh! This was a powerful message suddenly. All of my conscious life (and I say that meaning the ability to listen and have thought process on such matters) I have thought of this in a very literal sense. In that a "person" outside of me is determining my life, in the minutiae. As if there is no choice and freewill at all really. It has always felt very controlled and controlling and imposition and a heavy load that I've rebelled and fought against forever. There is a devil in me that is very self-willed and mighty strong. I have no idea where this force comes from, whether it is an extra strong part of my individual make up and how much of it is powered by circumstances and influences from my childhood etc. The fact is it's there and now recognising it how am I going to manage it and channel it effectively, positively?
Bliss
XX
I wrote this mind wonder yesterday morning. You see I am so codependent I do not what I really want and maybe it's because I really and truly don't mind. There are questions with both options. The first, spending time with M alone is real. It would be nice and we always have fun together whatever we are doing and however we have that fun. And it's true that being with T for an entire week is an unknown and there is an invasion on territory. However. I really really enjoy T's company and the other option is meeting T from the start. It would be more convenient for her and the costs would be shared from the start too. I really don't mind someone else coming along. I do have concerns about the competitiveness that can occur in me when there is a group of three. I can swing from being left out to trying to take over one friendship meaning that another gets excluded. God with your help thank You for removing this element of "game-paying" that arises within me even if it comes into play for anyone else. Thank You for the awareness and the foresight, therefore I welcome your help to remove this defect of character. What is the defect? Jealousy, low self-esteem, possessiveness. They are all off springs from one and other I realise. There probably is not one single defect there but several - although they all come down to self hatred and fear. God help me to not be afraid and help me to stop being full of self hatred in fact any hatred at all. It is destructive and unhelpful. Thank You God.
So I put the suggestion to M to see what she would prefer and God please help me to know which is the best option for all concerned.
I have a delightful day. I am looking after the pack - Molly, Harry and of course LouLou. The B's are going for a day out and it is an opportunity for me to have the entire pack all to myself. I a going to watch a film and read books and lounge about. I may even have a nap. Somehow, even though it is annual leave, it feels like a free day.
Oh and yesterday it was whispered to me by a friend that the HD is leaving in 2 weeks - rapid! And F is coming back as the HD. Yippppppeeeeee. I think my expectations are high for immediate changes and for the better to suit me. But the reality is probably going to be very different. Please God help to remove my expectations so that I am not even further saddened. I don't like the way I need to embark upon niggling away at the way L is with S. Whenever L is out of the way we gripe about her. There is something I get from it. And that is I exterminate her soul and that makes me feel better. So ugly, I don't want to do that because actually I know she has a good kind heart and shows it. She is very generous, in fact overly generous. What it does help me with is vindication. When I am uncertain as to whether her behaviour is bullying or in someway inappropriate I need some other way to discover this. It's almost childlike. Something feels wrong inside of me and yet I don't know whether it is or not because it seems to be coming from an authority. It is a parent-child situation for sure. So what I need to do is find an appropriate way to raise the question without sounding accusational. God thank You for this awareness. And thank You for showing me the way ahead. I need some help now to do this. It will be better for me as a person, checking rather than damning or assuming or being so flipping righteous. So what are the way to ask questions about this?
For example with her telling me/us several times that she is going to take on a clients request for L to sponsor, as in 12 step sponsor. It seems to me to be truly crossing and ethical boundary. I don't need FDAP or BACP to tell me this, it just seems far too blurred. I am sure I read in FDAP ethics that one should not befriend in any way a client before they are two years beyond the treatment sessions. And I'm sure this came up with the whole I and C situation. But L keeps quoting FDAP as if there is approval of such a situation and approval to take clients to meetings etc. It all seems so wrong and potentially dangerous even though I can't see all the possible dangers like S does. It's when I talk to her that more awareness of dangers arise.
I do have this situation right now where my friends sister is dating an ex-client. It was inevitably risky taking in a friends sister int he first place. But this was not what I expected at all. It feels awkward. I took it to supervision and got some good feedback. oddly enough I did not agree with PD's feedback. It was I and P who both thought there was something sinister under this guy. I think there remains something difficult for him to reveal and in fact I think it's his sexuality. I think R will get hurt along the way of this. But in the meantime my opinions aside I need to speak with D to set some boundaries. I do not want to talk about the P or individuals there and I also want to say that it feels awkward having worked with him and his wife but also to reassure him that the confidentiality act still stands. I will ask him next time if we could speak in private. I also need to speak with A, G and R to reiterate the confidentiality act. I will not speak even in jest with R about her time at the P. If she ever wants to talk to me about it then we can do that in private. I need to remain professional and keep my family world protected for me and for them and for us. It's important to me.
So today. I am going to watch Avatar the film. I'm taking my big art book that A gave to me for my birthday. I will take the work books and the Uni books. My courses are now confirmed for September this year and for January next year. I trust God that somehow we can work it together so that I have enough money to afford trips to London, galleries, holidays and of course firstly and foremost cover all my living costs - as well as have enough time to study to the best of my potential - thank You God. I just know it will all be OK. I would really like to study but I truly need your help in balancing all of this. Please show me the way you have in mind.
And that brings me to the JFT reading - the meditation part ....
"Many things can upset you and you can easily get off the track. But remember that God is near you all the time, ready to help you if you call on Him. You can not forever stand against God's will for you, nor can you forever upset God's plan for your life, even though God's plan may be postponed by your willfulness and deliberate choice of evil. A whole world of men and women cannot permanently change God's laws nor His purpose for the Universe. The sea of life may look very rough to us, but we can believe that our Captain steers the boat on a straight course"
Gosh! This was a powerful message suddenly. All of my conscious life (and I say that meaning the ability to listen and have thought process on such matters) I have thought of this in a very literal sense. In that a "person" outside of me is determining my life, in the minutiae. As if there is no choice and freewill at all really. It has always felt very controlled and controlling and imposition and a heavy load that I've rebelled and fought against forever. There is a devil in me that is very self-willed and mighty strong. I have no idea where this force comes from, whether it is an extra strong part of my individual make up and how much of it is powered by circumstances and influences from my childhood etc. The fact is it's there and now recognising it how am I going to manage it and channel it effectively, positively?
Bliss
XX
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