Control

Control is related to FEAR.

I must remember that when I feel I am being controlled. I think it a lot. It often sounds to me as if people are telling me what to do. Gosh do I react! I disagree, I get quite bolshy and defensive or I openly and sharply say the opposite. I feel it in me. I tense up.
I wonder if my reflections on being left alone from a little girl after school was anything to do with it. I used to do whatever I wanted really and then my parents would return and the rules of behaviour would suddenly be harsh compared with the previous hours of utter freedom. Confusing when I describe it. I remember SC pointing this out to me. It made sense. And now I wonder if it's been a part of this aversion to people seeming to tell or suggest. Also I think my dad was very manipulative. He would say things like "you're over doing it" because he wanted me to do what he wanted to do. Instead of stating his needs he would try to control. I've thought this of G too.
When I think people don't consider that I might know something I feel really pissed off with them - yes it's anger but whats the word. It's stronger than irritated.
What is this in me. I need top practise listening. It's worth listening and not reacting. Take things in.
G said that it was difficult to talk to me. I thought it was because I wasn't doing what he was suggesting and I thought what he was suggesting was because he didn't like what I was doing.
Another divorce resulted. But there was truth. The thing is I wasn't liking things he was doing or feeling that the relationship is the way I want things to be in my life. No doubt he would pick up on that.
There are so many layers in all of this. People with people.
I've always had to answer to my parents' judgement of me which I think was often misjudged. Yes some it was based on my terrible attitude and distorted ways as my "illness" was developing, ripening.
But there is control is this on my behalf too. Fear of being compliant, fear of losing self, fear of being controlled, fear of ??????
I'm not sure really what's going on but there is something.
With FA ad my sponsor I get really cross with being told what to do. Sometimes it's just about being liked and loved anyway for doing it my way and making mistakes. Does that me a bad person? I am very self-willed. I don't like disappointing people or annoying people but sometimes I think that's there stuff to deal with and just let me get on with it. But there's ego and selfishness in that. I must think about the consequences more and establish what I'm comfortable with as an outcome whatever it might be. Then I take or can make more informed choices. BUT let the outcome be whatever it is. Don' try and control it.
I do try and control outcomes by being people pleasing. I don't want people to think badly of me so I compromise myself. I lose a sense of what it is I really want.
It is such a muddle sometimes it feels too difficult to unpick.
So Universe I need your help is understanding and then please show me how to be and what to do for the very best of everyone concerned. I really mean it. Please give me courage where there's fear to follow you. I don't think that's always the easiest route but I would like to take it nonetheless. I don't want to stop living life though to do it.
So perhaps it is simply that I am going with the flow. I am not doing anything to harm anyone and if I could be upfront and honest then I am less likely to do that. I think Ga will be disappointed with me as I have gone against her suggestion. That's all it was and yet it sounded like an order.
Right then ...

I've done little about anything this morning. Does it really matter?
Probably not. I've had a relaxing morning and feel a lot better than I have done over the past few weeks. It's been building to a crescendo that I think erupted with me angrily presenting my case to Auntie O. It was not well delivered. It's what happens when I'm driven by anger.
So the truth is out there more and more now.

Gosh this song resonates. Not with the long ago blues. I've got the blues for love itself I think.

Still Got The Blues (For You) Gary Moore

Used to be so easy to give my heart away
But I found out the hard way
There's a price you have to pay
I found out that love was no friend of mine
I should have known time after time

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Used to be so easy to fall in love again
But I found out the hard way
It's a road that leads to pain
I found that love was more than just a game
You're playin' to win
But you lose just the same

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I've seen your face
Here in my heart, there's an empty space
Where you used to be

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Though the days come and go
There is one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you.

Bliss
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