I have a grey area and the Universe suggests avoiding them. This grey area concerns abstinence and what constitutes abstinence. This relates to my work and also within my recovery programme.
Let's start with the latter. A person has been contacting me who is on a food plan and has been maintaining her weight for some years now. Great! She wants a sponsor and in my humble opinion is a real people pleaser and therefore flatters to get what she wants. She is also a very delightful person. Right now she is going through some major decision making times that are upsetting and she is full of fear. I'd really love to sponsor her but I have a few issues. One is the people-pleasing. Ironic being a chronic people-pleaser myself but also can swing the other way and be quite to the point rather than gentle and nurturing. I can be in the middle too. Someone, a friend of mine said a while ago that in be boundaried she was now finding me quite direct. I'm sure I can be but it's difficult for me to distinguish when it's someone else's issue with the boundary (using the term broadly) being set and them not liking it or whether it is my manner in delivery the boundary. I can't even recall what it was that I'd said or done so useless information really. However, it is there on my mind. And maybe I will enquire but I don't always appreciate the way this person perceives things and people and situations.
Just yesterday in fact, my friend showed her concern because I was sad and crying. I didn't need anyone to say I had a lot o. It sounded condescending in some way. And more about needing to say something to show her concern. I appreciated her concern, don't get me wrong. But all she needed to do was to show up and listen just as she did. I was able to put that frustration aside though, despite being sad and appreciate her concern for what it was.
Anyway, that's an aside.
Yes this person is using sleeping pills. Mainly herbal now she tells me but last night popped half an over-the-counter pill because so much is going around her head she couldn't sleep. Now that's okay in my book if she wants to pop pills but in this programme of recovery I am a bit torn between wanting to be "clean" of all substances and behaviours learn to deal with life on it's terms. She is very resistant to this idea and thinks it's not the right time to be coming of pills. I am not sure I can sponsor her on this basis but also confused by myself. After all, I am a great advocate of my sponsor working with the things I am willing to give up and being ONLY a food sponsor. Hmm. A change of mind perhaps? I think also is the attitude of this person. She thinks that with everything that's going on now is not the time to want to have a balanced prescription. It's an excuse in my book to continue to use but she feels it is completely justified. My suggestion is to have a prescribed pill programme and stick rigidly to it so that it's not a total escape from feelings. As in last night, tossing and turning not being able to sleep and so at will taking an extra pill. As I reiterated to her, I am not saying come off pills just like that, I'm suggesting sticking to a prescribed pill usage or if sticking with herbal pills then to stick absolutely with that. I mean what's she doing with medication in the house anyway if she doesn't use them anymore. So there was a lot of confusing messages. Saying she hasn't taken medication for a long time after being on them for over 30 years. But then when I said I was confused because she said she was using pills over this last year in a previous conversation ... then she said she agreed about honesty yet had admitted that she wasn't telling her last sponsor the truth and so on.
But then there is this conflict of wanting to be able to work with people just where they are. Can I really do this? IS there a conflict with FA? I mean what do people in FA think about ad hoc use of sleeping pills? I might call M in Florida this afternoon and see what she thinks.
In my work I am at ease working with people who want to try out controlled measures with substances, behaviours etc. Things that they are doing addictively when it's a behaviour as with food requires a plan, something that is agreed as abstinence ad then stick to it. I am at ease working with this but I think always with the thought that abstinence is the best way. And there is a bit of me that thinks eventually they will have to conceded to this. So it's not a totally free idea I work with. I have to be honest about this in supervision as it will be influencing how I work with people.
So here then is the conflict for me. I am in FA and committed to my food plan. Funnily enough it raises for me the question of whether it would be possible to have a plan around drinking. Why I would want to even try I don't know. But it's then similar with thinking well perhaps I could manage some chocolate etc. There are substances that I do believe I am actually triggered to use more with. Alcohol, cocaine, sugar, flour. But then what about addictive behaviours such as relationships and social media etc. I need a plan of abstinence around these too. Now just because I need this doesn't mean to say others do. But with C she has a long history of medication addiction, sleepers of all sorts. And here she is toying with other sorts and thinking it's okay. Actually that is not abstinent thinking to me. So, maybe that's the conversation I need to have with her. And then she gets very defensive and flustered. And then perhaps it's just not possible to sponsor her. She wants someone to talk through all her issues with. She hasn't been making call to other FA people. I feel she wants someone to make decisions for her and is very needy in some ways but very self-willed actually. She is taking advice fro her solicitor but not trusting it. I would say I recognise this person. Stability is what she needs and I don't feel it's possible in 15 minutes on a call. That is not sponsoring she wants.
So there we have it. I think I do actually know the answer. I am unsure that's what she wants but if she doesn't want to work the programme as laid out for me then I don;t want to sponsor her. I would happily be her therapist but that would cost her and I am not in fellowship to promote myself as a therapist. I will definitely keep that ethical boundary for myself as tempting as it would be to offer my services.
Hey ho! It helps to write.
Bliss
XX
Let's start with the latter. A person has been contacting me who is on a food plan and has been maintaining her weight for some years now. Great! She wants a sponsor and in my humble opinion is a real people pleaser and therefore flatters to get what she wants. She is also a very delightful person. Right now she is going through some major decision making times that are upsetting and she is full of fear. I'd really love to sponsor her but I have a few issues. One is the people-pleasing. Ironic being a chronic people-pleaser myself but also can swing the other way and be quite to the point rather than gentle and nurturing. I can be in the middle too. Someone, a friend of mine said a while ago that in be boundaried she was now finding me quite direct. I'm sure I can be but it's difficult for me to distinguish when it's someone else's issue with the boundary (using the term broadly) being set and them not liking it or whether it is my manner in delivery the boundary. I can't even recall what it was that I'd said or done so useless information really. However, it is there on my mind. And maybe I will enquire but I don't always appreciate the way this person perceives things and people and situations.
Just yesterday in fact, my friend showed her concern because I was sad and crying. I didn't need anyone to say I had a lot o. It sounded condescending in some way. And more about needing to say something to show her concern. I appreciated her concern, don't get me wrong. But all she needed to do was to show up and listen just as she did. I was able to put that frustration aside though, despite being sad and appreciate her concern for what it was.
Anyway, that's an aside.
Yes this person is using sleeping pills. Mainly herbal now she tells me but last night popped half an over-the-counter pill because so much is going around her head she couldn't sleep. Now that's okay in my book if she wants to pop pills but in this programme of recovery I am a bit torn between wanting to be "clean" of all substances and behaviours learn to deal with life on it's terms. She is very resistant to this idea and thinks it's not the right time to be coming of pills. I am not sure I can sponsor her on this basis but also confused by myself. After all, I am a great advocate of my sponsor working with the things I am willing to give up and being ONLY a food sponsor. Hmm. A change of mind perhaps? I think also is the attitude of this person. She thinks that with everything that's going on now is not the time to want to have a balanced prescription. It's an excuse in my book to continue to use but she feels it is completely justified. My suggestion is to have a prescribed pill programme and stick rigidly to it so that it's not a total escape from feelings. As in last night, tossing and turning not being able to sleep and so at will taking an extra pill. As I reiterated to her, I am not saying come off pills just like that, I'm suggesting sticking to a prescribed pill usage or if sticking with herbal pills then to stick absolutely with that. I mean what's she doing with medication in the house anyway if she doesn't use them anymore. So there was a lot of confusing messages. Saying she hasn't taken medication for a long time after being on them for over 30 years. But then when I said I was confused because she said she was using pills over this last year in a previous conversation ... then she said she agreed about honesty yet had admitted that she wasn't telling her last sponsor the truth and so on.
But then there is this conflict of wanting to be able to work with people just where they are. Can I really do this? IS there a conflict with FA? I mean what do people in FA think about ad hoc use of sleeping pills? I might call M in Florida this afternoon and see what she thinks.
In my work I am at ease working with people who want to try out controlled measures with substances, behaviours etc. Things that they are doing addictively when it's a behaviour as with food requires a plan, something that is agreed as abstinence ad then stick to it. I am at ease working with this but I think always with the thought that abstinence is the best way. And there is a bit of me that thinks eventually they will have to conceded to this. So it's not a totally free idea I work with. I have to be honest about this in supervision as it will be influencing how I work with people.
So here then is the conflict for me. I am in FA and committed to my food plan. Funnily enough it raises for me the question of whether it would be possible to have a plan around drinking. Why I would want to even try I don't know. But it's then similar with thinking well perhaps I could manage some chocolate etc. There are substances that I do believe I am actually triggered to use more with. Alcohol, cocaine, sugar, flour. But then what about addictive behaviours such as relationships and social media etc. I need a plan of abstinence around these too. Now just because I need this doesn't mean to say others do. But with C she has a long history of medication addiction, sleepers of all sorts. And here she is toying with other sorts and thinking it's okay. Actually that is not abstinent thinking to me. So, maybe that's the conversation I need to have with her. And then she gets very defensive and flustered. And then perhaps it's just not possible to sponsor her. She wants someone to talk through all her issues with. She hasn't been making call to other FA people. I feel she wants someone to make decisions for her and is very needy in some ways but very self-willed actually. She is taking advice fro her solicitor but not trusting it. I would say I recognise this person. Stability is what she needs and I don't feel it's possible in 15 minutes on a call. That is not sponsoring she wants.
So there we have it. I think I do actually know the answer. I am unsure that's what she wants but if she doesn't want to work the programme as laid out for me then I don;t want to sponsor her. I would happily be her therapist but that would cost her and I am not in fellowship to promote myself as a therapist. I will definitely keep that ethical boundary for myself as tempting as it would be to offer my services.
Hey ho! It helps to write.
Bliss
XX
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