So then my next call. This persons boyfriend returned after a week away at the The Hoffman Process. I know nothing about this although the name was familiar to me. I have had a little read.
Anyway she has been quite stunne by such a different person coming homw. From a man who was not at all engaged to a man she doesn't know at all, she seemed quite surprised. She had got to a point of telling hin that either he made changes or there was no relationship. A week away and he seems so totally differnt. She wanted an intense conversaiton with him about this. I wondered if that was neccessary and perhaps it is a time to start dating and observe herslef with this new version of the same man. They hadn't planned anything for the day and she had her meeeting to attend, work to do, her sister to respond to as well as arranging time with him and time for herself. Thank goodness for the choice to weigh and measure time and acitvities as well as weighing and measuring food. Gosh! How this teaches more than just about managing food addiction.
Also she has such a difficult time with her sisters condition. It's so demanding on her. And her parents too. The helplessness of someone elses state is so terribly draining. I know this myself after really experiencing the aftermath of having taken on someon else's stress. It's so automatic I don't even know how I do it. It's odd really because within my professional role I am constantly cheking that I am not absorning someone else's emotions and often accutely aware when I have taken it on. I can feel stuck and not know what to do and not even know why I am feeling that way. When I have this sort of confusion it's often because it's not my stuckness. This week, a call came in from one of the thousands of doctors surgeries we've mailed. Immediately, PD was uplifte in mood. He was actually quite directive in a different way. He's prescriptive towards me anyway. I know I can be a bit of a buffoon with his sytems to begin with but once they are driven in I follow them. Ina similar way to my dad because of his need for perfection, the fact that I amde a few errors to begin with emans that he continues to distrust that I will do "it" right, whatever "it" might be at the time.
Anyhow, returning to the matter of absornbing his stress, as he became incredibly lifted and suddenly okay, I plumetted in my mood. Feeling heavy and frankly on the floor, I wondered what the hell had happened. I had been trunling along feeling okay about everything despite emotions of altering highs and lows. Not hyper-high, just the usual rambling ups and downs. But what I hadn't detected was the stress I'd been absorbing. I've been complaining of a back ache like I've never expeienced before. From the neck right to the base. It's complete in it coverage. Thankfully a friend is giving me a massage on Sunday. Phewee.
What I don't know is how I absorb the stress. It's not mine. I am stressed about my srudying but not about much else. So maybe having this area of stress leaves me vulnerable to absorbing someone else's stress. Who nkows. The point is that I take it all on.
G suggested I read To Wives in the Big Book. I started reading it and related to the anger and frustration, the helplessness and the drain of someone else. PD is also eating oout of control again this week rather than restricting and attempting to be i control. He keeps being interested in what I'm doing but then isn't because there are certain things he doesn't want under any circumstances to let go of. Eating out freely is one of those things. It just refelcts me to me all of the time. I was like that. I thought it was far too resticting. Just as the idea of never having a drink again (over 12 years ago now I thought that) was just ridulous. I kept on doing it my way and having things the way I wanted them but couldn't sustain that and when it went out of control I was so desperate and miserable. Eventually I gave in to the fact that I am a food addict and that I cannot eat like other people eat. And as a result of this I today have a fereedom I never knew was possible. The ties are being severed.
Anyway with E this morning I could hear the absorption of others and the concern too. She had interefered yesterday between her parents. All with good intention but the outcome has caused more issue although a not near the extent of the discomfort in connection with erh sister. I share with her the THINK before you speak acronym I picked up last week.
T - is it TRUE?
H - is is HELPFUL?
I - is it INSPIRING?
N - is it NECESSARY?
K is it KIND?
Gosh how that NECESSARY is so necessary for me to consider more than just once when slowing down to think of this THINK. I remember one of the big problems for me last year with L was when I stepped in to speak for SH who wanted cover in L's absence. I really didn;t think it was necessary but decided to back SH up because I trusted her more than L and alo it was in the fight against L. So I took over the battle. I stated the case why we needed cover. L trusted me and fought too for this. Then the cover was PD. He wondered why we had cover. I didn;t own with him that I had insisted and neither actually did SH I noticed now in hindsight. What's more she allowed me to have the battle. Why wouldn't she I suppose? Anyway I recognise today my fear of owning to PD that I had insisted and being judged by him a a whimp. So off he trotted to the managers office in his way I expect showing L up. I was so annoyed with him for interfering, still being the bloody manager when all he was was the sessional. I didn't say anything about that either. As a result L got a bollocking and from then on didn't trust me. No doubt she felt like she'd been let down and set up. It set the precendent between her and I believe. I have to keep havng this lesson of stepping up as the protector, the saviour, the spokes-person. In itself that would be okay if I really belieed in what i was standing up against. But mainly it's a sort of codependene, Often I think wanting that person to like me. I will avoid saying what I really think.
It's improving though. And I'm learning to keep my mouth closed and consider the situation and my point of view. I can always return to it and not need to say anything there at the time.
So with E, she seemed to like THINK. I do too.
Another helpful call for me.
Bliss
x
Anyway she has been quite stunne by such a different person coming homw. From a man who was not at all engaged to a man she doesn't know at all, she seemed quite surprised. She had got to a point of telling hin that either he made changes or there was no relationship. A week away and he seems so totally differnt. She wanted an intense conversaiton with him about this. I wondered if that was neccessary and perhaps it is a time to start dating and observe herslef with this new version of the same man. They hadn't planned anything for the day and she had her meeeting to attend, work to do, her sister to respond to as well as arranging time with him and time for herself. Thank goodness for the choice to weigh and measure time and acitvities as well as weighing and measuring food. Gosh! How this teaches more than just about managing food addiction.
Also she has such a difficult time with her sisters condition. It's so demanding on her. And her parents too. The helplessness of someone elses state is so terribly draining. I know this myself after really experiencing the aftermath of having taken on someon else's stress. It's so automatic I don't even know how I do it. It's odd really because within my professional role I am constantly cheking that I am not absorning someone else's emotions and often accutely aware when I have taken it on. I can feel stuck and not know what to do and not even know why I am feeling that way. When I have this sort of confusion it's often because it's not my stuckness. This week, a call came in from one of the thousands of doctors surgeries we've mailed. Immediately, PD was uplifte in mood. He was actually quite directive in a different way. He's prescriptive towards me anyway. I know I can be a bit of a buffoon with his sytems to begin with but once they are driven in I follow them. Ina similar way to my dad because of his need for perfection, the fact that I amde a few errors to begin with emans that he continues to distrust that I will do "it" right, whatever "it" might be at the time.
Anyhow, returning to the matter of absornbing his stress, as he became incredibly lifted and suddenly okay, I plumetted in my mood. Feeling heavy and frankly on the floor, I wondered what the hell had happened. I had been trunling along feeling okay about everything despite emotions of altering highs and lows. Not hyper-high, just the usual rambling ups and downs. But what I hadn't detected was the stress I'd been absorbing. I've been complaining of a back ache like I've never expeienced before. From the neck right to the base. It's complete in it coverage. Thankfully a friend is giving me a massage on Sunday. Phewee.
What I don't know is how I absorb the stress. It's not mine. I am stressed about my srudying but not about much else. So maybe having this area of stress leaves me vulnerable to absorbing someone else's stress. Who nkows. The point is that I take it all on.
G suggested I read To Wives in the Big Book. I started reading it and related to the anger and frustration, the helplessness and the drain of someone else. PD is also eating oout of control again this week rather than restricting and attempting to be i control. He keeps being interested in what I'm doing but then isn't because there are certain things he doesn't want under any circumstances to let go of. Eating out freely is one of those things. It just refelcts me to me all of the time. I was like that. I thought it was far too resticting. Just as the idea of never having a drink again (over 12 years ago now I thought that) was just ridulous. I kept on doing it my way and having things the way I wanted them but couldn't sustain that and when it went out of control I was so desperate and miserable. Eventually I gave in to the fact that I am a food addict and that I cannot eat like other people eat. And as a result of this I today have a fereedom I never knew was possible. The ties are being severed.
Anyway with E this morning I could hear the absorption of others and the concern too. She had interefered yesterday between her parents. All with good intention but the outcome has caused more issue although a not near the extent of the discomfort in connection with erh sister. I share with her the THINK before you speak acronym I picked up last week.
T - is it TRUE?
H - is is HELPFUL?
I - is it INSPIRING?
N - is it NECESSARY?
K is it KIND?
Gosh how that NECESSARY is so necessary for me to consider more than just once when slowing down to think of this THINK. I remember one of the big problems for me last year with L was when I stepped in to speak for SH who wanted cover in L's absence. I really didn;t think it was necessary but decided to back SH up because I trusted her more than L and alo it was in the fight against L. So I took over the battle. I stated the case why we needed cover. L trusted me and fought too for this. Then the cover was PD. He wondered why we had cover. I didn;t own with him that I had insisted and neither actually did SH I noticed now in hindsight. What's more she allowed me to have the battle. Why wouldn't she I suppose? Anyway I recognise today my fear of owning to PD that I had insisted and being judged by him a a whimp. So off he trotted to the managers office in his way I expect showing L up. I was so annoyed with him for interfering, still being the bloody manager when all he was was the sessional. I didn't say anything about that either. As a result L got a bollocking and from then on didn't trust me. No doubt she felt like she'd been let down and set up. It set the precendent between her and I believe. I have to keep havng this lesson of stepping up as the protector, the saviour, the spokes-person. In itself that would be okay if I really belieed in what i was standing up against. But mainly it's a sort of codependene, Often I think wanting that person to like me. I will avoid saying what I really think.
It's improving though. And I'm learning to keep my mouth closed and consider the situation and my point of view. I can always return to it and not need to say anything there at the time.
So with E, she seemed to like THINK. I do too.
Another helpful call for me.
Bliss
x
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