Freebird tethered

Then L called. Gosh I could relate to her too. She too was worrying about her sisters state of mind, her mum's health and feeling self-centred and selfish wanting or needing emotional support from them. She is working on Step 4 on her AWOL. And to be honest I really could relate to being right in the Step 4 and everything feeling so flipping difficult. When I was working on Step 4 my dad was dying and there I was trying to look at my part in my resentment. I felt so bloody resentful and angry. Yet was giving myself such a hard time. Tying to keep the focus on me meant I was taking on EVERYTHING as my fault. I was to blame and yet I didn't feel to blame all at the same time. It was so so challenging a time for me. I think to some degree I am still stuck in step 6/7 which is when I left the AWOL because I relapsed. I hadn't really fully grasped the responsibility for the bad feeling I had caused my dad and my mum come to that. And since then it's been sinking in and feeling heavy at times. I feel awful for the irresponsibility of my decisions in the name of wanting hedonism. Hedonism came in the shape of wanting parties and men and drink and just a good time all the time. I didn't want what felt like the shackles of responsibility such as financial commitments. I thought my parents were simply boring and trying to tie down this freebird in me. Which always reminds me of the Lynnard Skynnard record and wanting to be that free spirit, drugging and slightly fey, unknown to people. Yet in my behaviours I was without any depth at all really. Of course the depth was in my desperate quest for something but didn't know what. So with that not even knowing I was looking demeanour, I became very one dimensional. How despairing my parents must have been with their strong values to build their finances and status and knowing the importance of financial security in this very demanding society and watching me time after time fritter away properties and actual cash. I was just so irresponsible. Also getting them onto bad debtors lists as I was resident in their home. My dad had a right to not want me around as I caused them trouble. And all of this was happening without them really knowing I was drinking excessively or eventually drugging and always promiscuous in my desperate bid to have someone to love me. I didn't like or love myself and felt unlovable so it was never going to fulfil me. That behaviour just got worse. In fact I see how the drink was just a reason to make my behaviour acceptable to me. I thought it was giving me courage to do that. Actually it was overriding my values so that i could behave in a way I didn't approve of. All the time blaming my dad for being so Victorian. He was strict and very judgemental but it wasn't his fault and I had values but disregarded them. They were muddled up with his dangerous messages through abuse and imposition over me.
I need to go and get ready. There is more to write but not now.
Bliss
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