Posting every minutae at any opportunity

I hadn't realised  could access Blogger at work. I am sure I am not supposed to. But I am sitting here waiting for my client to arrive and every minute sitting still brings on feelings and thoughts.

It seems really silly now - I signed on and saw a new follower JH - and then discovered his Blog site. It just seems silly that really we are communicating through our Blogs. He is probably reading mine and now I am reading his. What is this now that's going on? What are we really achieving or aiming for between us?

As I drove in this morning I witnessed another, yes yet another beautiful sunrise. I took a picture - not a great encapture of the reality. It is surely impossible to capture the feeling I get with the sunrise each morning. Yesterday the colours were so so vibrant. Today all pastels and squiggles that caught the light in bizarre ways. These things I would like to share with someone. My friends, yes they are sort of interested. But someone who gets me and cherishes my quirks. I loved JH for him and his quirks.
I don't think he would have ever realised that I do not judge because I know when I got angry it sounded as if I did judge him. I constantly want to work on this so that even in the depth of troublesome emotions I can maintain my principles. I do not judge people for the ways they want to be. But if I don;t know the full facts of a way a person is, their behaviour, beliefs, attitude, motives, opinions etc. etc., then the dignity of choice is removed.
I have been wondering what happens next between us. JH tells me and writes about the changes he is making. I want to believe him. I kept believing him but really I knew my intuition told me otherwise.
I do not wish to be hurt anymore. All I can do is wait and see.
I have sent a message now via Whatsapp to enuire when he is might be available over the weekend if he still wishes for us to speak together. I have no idea what to expect from myself if and when we speak.
I truly hope JH is feeling good. I read that he has booked his tickets to America. It seems so easy for him to carry on without me. That hurts too.
I am damned well striggling.

Another person today cmmented on how well I suddenly look - smiling and calm. Another reminder of how I have invested time trying to work out what was going on, not wanting to believe it and trying to stop it from being so. And all along it is really up to JH. The truth was revealed just as JH kept saying. He says his eyes are open now. I wonder what he sees?

I have arranged some pleasant things with friends and also organised my hair cut and coour tomorrow. Doing something nice for myself. Every penny I had extra I was keeping for the trip to the US. Well now I can spend it on getting my hari done and having my car serviced. JH just didn;t know how much I invested myself and everything I did into our relaitnship. Everything I was dong was for the us part of him and I. I feel disappointed. It wasn;t worth it it seems.

I am rambling from topic to topic.

Today I had an interesting 1:1 with my cline.t He is questioning everything and wanting solid answers . He obstructs himself by being so rigid and closed minded. He is such a lovely guy and certainly wants something different in his life. Each time he comes along her just wants to argue about why this doesn;t work and nor does that. He has such a lot of anger and he seems to need to dump it on things that don;t seem to be working for him. They are ot working because the things he is angry with are not resolvable by AA but AA provides the outlet to make changes to oneself.
I said to JH the other day how strange I find it (without judgement) that so many people try to focus on living in tuen with the land but forget to get in tuen with oneself first. We are nature too not just the trees and the seasons. We have cycles and emotional responses and a whole macro world to first get in tune with. Follow the Universe. We are where we are today. We don;t need to ignore the current developments and technologies to be in sink with spirituality. This is how man has developed. That is spiritual surely and natural. We are evolving and surely we shouldn't deny that? Of course there are problems caused by developement or contributed to by change. But it doesn;t mean we are setting out to destroy on purpose.
What does seem so destructive to me is the non-acceptance of people as they are. So there are differences. That is surely manageable. We can live side by side and tolarate differences, even celebrate differences. It's possible to learn by the differences. But to war against differences. That is surely not a spiritual principle. I don't like that at all. I feel sad at the hatred that exists between people. I feel more at one with the Universe when I am accepting of people - I feel peace. Doesn;t mean I have to adopt their ways as the right way. So long as I am practiving my principles and those include not intentiaonally harming anyone along the way. I surely make mistakes - just look at the way things are right now. Ouch!!!

Well I am tired. It's very cold here. I hope the snow doesn;t make it's way here. I am snuggled up tonight though. Watching a movie ... Memento. I have always thought very highly of Guy Pearson. He looks incredibly thin in the film though.
Fascinating start. I thought I had seen it but can't remember a thing about - hahahahahahaha - only funny if you know the film I suppose.

I am surprised by the way how I have absolutely no interest for SecondLife. A good thing in my opinion.
I am letting go of wondering if JH has set up another avatar or using an older one. I consider all the things he can do to hide better but letting go. It's his business. I truly hope that I could believe and trust him. But then what for - we have no relationship. My heart truly feels very broken.

Bliss
XX

More thinking

Coming home I feel so empty. Coming home for the last 7 - 8 months has been an excitement to meet with my love JH. Now we don't meet. No wake up calls in the morning.
And then I also feel an anger. I am angry that actually all the passion I put into JH and I was somehow worthless. It was real from me but now seems as if it was worthless from him. He was involved with so many others!!
Gosh that hurts so much. I know he talked about in his mind he was with me - but the reality is something very different.
God I want to believe that he will be making changes and that because I love him I can work with him. I am toing and froing because the other part of me knows how hard it is to stay straight and narrow. How hard it is when feelings arise and temptation gains it's strength at these times. The Devil knows how to utilise moments of weakness. And JH is only just looking at this.
Part of me wonders if all this he has told me is also falsity. And I get scared to trust as I have put trust in only to become aware each time that my intuition is right.
I am glad to know that I can listen to my intuition and instincts. I am not crazy at all. ES got some relief I hope knowing that her intuition was right and she wasn't crazy.
JH is such a lovely man. A man I fell in love with apart from this other side of him. I want to be able to love and cherish all that is good and the other side to be managed. That's what I want.
I have had a life time of men that seem to get some kind of pay off taking women for a ride. I really believed that JH was different - so he wasn't open and wasn't honest. But I still want to believe that fundamentally he never meant to hurt me, and that really he did care.
I am not sure he knows actually if he loves or loved me. He seems so confused about many things. One minute he thought he needed to go and try once more with a new outlook with his wife. Then he realised later that wasn't what it was. He said he was in the wrong place but new it was right to do. So much confusion. And how can anyone so confused really know whether they are in love or not.
There are so many things for JH to explore with himself. I truly, truly hope he does.
I would love it if some time we can be together. But I also know with time I will heal and move on.
I will always be available to be a friend. I will not allow myself knowingly to be another ES, Mona, Marguerite, IL or any others that have existed.
I suspect that JH will meet with Mona after all or maybe another new one when he goes to America. I look forward to the moment when I can let go and it will no longer matter who he is with or not. Fuck it hurts so much.

Yet today I have had a sense of calm. I have had absolute clarity in my work. There has been some good therapy taking place today. Clients feeling so safe within their group, disclosures of releasing enormity. Shifts that are most unexpected. And I have felt at ease being me.
I realised whilst driving home that I have been so on edge for a number of months now. Trying to control what I instinctively knew was going on. Not free to be me and do my own things, needing to always be available for JH as if I wasn't he would use the time to be contacting one of the others. SHIT! It hurts hurts hurts to write that. I gave everything of me and he gave partially to me. I want to believe that it was in his denial of what he was truly doing. And I get annoyed with myself for not pulling away sooner. I kept saying to myself "if I learn of something else that will be it!" And then I learnt of something else and decided to believe and work with it. Each time. I so love him. He will never really know that I don't think. Or maybe there is a possibility if he really does get on the path of change.

PD commented on how different and serene I looked this morning. And I am in contact with friends and arranging things to do. I had not been doing any of this I realise trying to stay close to JH. Losing myself slightly and yet not as fully as I would have done in the past. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my time with JH. Oh my gosh I really have enjoyed discussions and laughs and sex and closeness. It's juts fucking annoying that actually there was always something standing between us. I knew it but didn't know.

More to write .............

I love speaking with HB - she is such a vibrant person and doesn't even know it. And my little fairy Goddaughter. She is just a bundle of cuddle. And then ML. I have the most amazing people in my life. I consider myself incredibly fortunate. I still want JH in my life but not they way he has treated me. I do not blame him, I truly don't. And I even believe he really cares for me. I am not sure if I believe he loves me. I feel too hurt. That to me isn't loving. I think there is a complete denial of the reality which as a recovering addict I truly understand. I love him and could stand by him whilst he starts the work on himself. But I am not prepared to be in a relationship that is not monogamous.
Ew yuchy feeling. As I write that I have just returned to wondering who what he is doing???
Let go! We are not together. We are speaking at the weekend. I just got a sense that I am feeling as if we are still together and we are not. It hurts like hell. It hurts like hell to be without him and it hurts like hell that he has been so dishonest and deceitful - that's not loving behaviour
I will get over this. I do love him. I would support any changes but not with ongoing deceit. And that cannot take time to change it's now or never but then I am writing that again like we are in a relationship
Shit - too tired for all of this and need to sleep and stop the washing machine spinning.

I had a wonderful conversation with my cousins young daughter. 13years old. She is so interesting and interested and very loving. She seemed really excited that we were talking and it was such a grown up conversation. She is studying and presenting to her class on the subject of the Chinese one child policy. Gosh she was amazing in what she had learnt and so very grown up in her opinions. I mentioned to her Amnesty International and apparently she is now really keen to work towards a career somewhere in the line of humanity. How exciting!
And then speaking with HB - my fairy Goddaughter. And how loving she is. And then SW my other big fairy Goddaughter. I feel so blessed to have these young people in my love. All love and cuddles and innocent really. I am a very very blessed person in so many ways.
Thank you Universe for all the people and the experiences I have.
Please can you sort things out for JH and I. Whatever you think best really - Universe?????

I am going to sleep.
It's good to write.

Bliss
XX

It's the "things" you love most, Bliss, the "things" that are dearest to you, that you often allow to define who you are.
Which explains the sometimes insufferable pain caused by their loss.
A wholly avoidable pain.
Ahhh... so hey, now you know.
The Universe
 
Well even Jesus Christ had emotions didn't he? And the Dalai Llama has feelings - I think it's actually about acknowledging them and going through them rather than avoiding them. Avoiding sort of suggests to me not living. Avoiding life so as not to feel the pain of suffereing. But this also means not feeling the joys too. Disengaging.
To me all feelings are good - when acknowledged and observed. Acceptance is the key. Acceptance means processing and then being able to get to the other side of the feelings.
My problem is I want to bring an end to the feeling before it is ready. Suppress it. And usually the feelings I want to suppress are those that I find most difficult.
I am feeling the pain of missing JH. He didn;t define  me. But I like time wth him. I like sharing thoughts and ideas with him. Ah poo. Then I think well ha hasn;t really been available to do that with me - he has been only partially with me and paritally with many other women. Argh that hurts. And then I can feel the anger rise in me too.
 Went to sleep instead of writing on ................

All emotions - how to put words and make meaning

I have immersed myself in work and other peoples issues today. And with so much energy. It's not that I feel energised, it's away of not thinking and not feeling.
I am home now. And shit I miss JH. I am sitting here wanting to make contact. But I also know I need some peace time. Its not peaceful of course because I am wondering what he is doing, who he is seeing or if he is being pulled by temptation. He is sitting with raw feelings and alone. And then if he does actually go to CoDA knowing how he falls in love so easily and blah blah blah.
I have to let go .......... and trust the Universe even though I am still wondering what the hell the Universe has in mind exactly. Well reality is the Universe has nothing in mind. The Universe is just doing it's stuff. Planet earth rotates as always and the Universe shifts and adjusts just as it always has done. And we humans go about doing and being.
It is so hard - I love him you see. And I am sitting here thinking how impossible this situation seems. Here is the man I love who hasn't even been realising what he was doing. And then suddenly gets some clarity and both of us know we cannot go on.
Then he starts clearing out everything - apparently closing down SL, contacts with women, etc etc. And I have said I need a little time until the weekend without any contact. I think of him sitting there without all his escapes and how will he manage. He is not used to this. Will he really find a way to manage? And I know the power of the feelings will be screaming for him to find a way to escape. It's not easy. I am siting here screaming with emotion and have this outlet as one way to do something other than betray myself. I need some time I need some time I need some time.
I love him too. Universe this hurts so so so so much. Help me! Please help me. Help me find trust that all of this horrible feeling will pass. Help me to trust that I will be OK. Universe please help JH to be safe and get all that he desires and all that he needs.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggghhhhhhhhhhhh! I hurt - I want - I hurt

No matter how hard you work, prepare, or calculate, Bliss, the final ingredient necessary to leap hurdles and manifest dreams will always come down to a little spark of magic that no amount of physical maneuvering can ensure. While simply remembering that you're not alone, can.
Flick my bic,
The Universe
 
JH became angry when I asked him to distinguish his emotions from his thoughts. He seemed to think I was criticising him. I wanted to establish what he was feeling and interested to know what he was thinking too of course. The difficulty with this change is the importance of being emotionally intelligent.
I think people poo poo it mainly because they don't understand it. I certainly hadn't a clue what people were banging on about - feelings????????
Emotions are the powerful motivator for behaviour - along with beliefs and attitude, amongst just a few of the human things going on. But feelings are often so sub conscious. This does not ave to be - my exploration of self involves becoming more conscious of my feelings, my thoughts, my attitude, my knowledge, my learnt patterns that are often skewed in the teaching. Oh blah blah blah. I know all this stuff why am I writing it????

What do I do now? Truly want to hear .......

My pain was relieved during yesterday. I willed for JH to text me. I received 2 exts both of which I resonded to. I felt immediate relief at receiving his texts. Then last evening we were Whatsapping backwards and forwards and then JH called me.
We both knew in the morning we could not continue. My reasons seemed justified knowing that JH has a lot to go and work out. It felt less painful when I thought he needed to re-visit the situation with his estranged wife. It has always seemed to me that the business between then is untidy and unfinished.
And after all these months of sensing things were different between us - sensing his need for secrecy and the continuous discovery of yet more and more, learning each time how he was deceiving me - I even realise that there were times when he said he did not need to reach orgasm - I suppose now he had already been actively sexual with someone else earlier. Ugh it feels dirty thinking lke that so I do not want to continue thinking like that.
That's the major reason for me that we cannot continue p there has just been so much dishonesty. I don't think at any time I have been misleading. I said I want to be in a monogamous relationship and invited honesty all the way along. And with each discovery I amde I asked JH if there was anything else he needed to tell me and each time he said no trust me. So I put trust in him each time and each time he will have known that there was other stuff he was doing but preferred to be secretive with me. Fuck!
It hurts. I feel angry!
Universe I want to be with someone who loves me. And love to me means wanting to treat me with dignity and be honourable to my needs and wants. Someone who is themselves and that we agree on major principles. These things perhaps I didn't make clear???? What is there to be unclear about when sayng open and honest. And JH claimed each tme he was being which was just more lying. Fuck it hurts like hell.
Now after all that he says he made the biggest mistake by leaving and yet he has to go. What is that all about???????
He has to go and sort things out to be worthy of me. What the fuck is that about??????????????????
The pain of goodbye is immense. I hurt so much. The thought of not having contact with him after being with him every night for the last 7 months. Our plans to visit the USA - plans for the future  all smashed.
I lose more than jst him I lose happy plans.
But i can pass through the pain and will return to some peace of mind which hasn't been there with all the insecurity aroused. JH kept putting on and that it was my insecurity. Yes it was my insecurity but aroused by his behaviour,.
He said he was honest in his mind and that is what he thoughtwas decent. Fucking hell! It all starts in the mind he said and there he was starting relationship after relationship with women in his mind. He will surely saying they were,'t relationships but every encounter with someone is a relationship - and it's certaily not monogamous.
He said he wanted monogamy. Perhaps he thought he wanted it until the next SL message or Skype call etc.
Fuck fuck fuck - I have anger now. It has to come up - it's a part of the process.
DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE
O feel in a sort of shock - one minute I am crying and hurting in my entire body, the next I have a numbness, no feeligngs at all.
I already miss someone who shows some care all for me. Someone who seemed to show that I matter. And yet all along I was one of many. That;s not OK. JH can do what he likes of course thats not my issue. My issue is that I dont want to be with someone who is not monogamous - in mind and in action. God he said he had bourndaries with women. How the hell could he when he was making out with women in SL on Skype, etc etc.
I am not certain about anything. I wonder what is really JH's truth. I wonder if he really knows. I might even describe his deceit as pathological - he seemed convinced that he wasn't lying.
I want to speak wit him of course becuase I dont want to lose him. Yet we have said goodbye. I ave to get used to the loss.
If in a few months there is a considerable change for him and =oh God it seems to hurtful dealing with the thought of finality.
That;s all this is - the pain of loss. He thinks he really wants me and loves me and all it is really is the pain of loss. I love him so much. I am so hurt by what he has been doing.
Please Universe what is the right thing.
Of course I lose my Master too. I asked to be set free. I will not visit SL. I went there last evening for 10 minutes and said hello to Pippi for the first time in SL. I did not enjoy it at all.
I do not want either to try and avoid my feelings. So I left again and that felt so much better. I have friends, I can write, I can read. I can do many things to help soothe my feelings but not avoid them. I want to heal not suppress.
What would I tell someone else to do. I would say that they need to trust their instincts. Mine have been guiding me all along.
My instincts are telling me what?
Partly they are saying well listen to what JH says afyer a few days. partly they are shouting it's all pain of goodbye and after some time the pain will diminish if we leave long enough between us. And then in the light of less emotional attachment it will be possible to see each otehr as individuals. I know this to be true. After time I could see John clearly for example and I knew thatI did not want to be with him and never really had.
I love JH. I feel it. And the loss of that hurts and cvery thought and decision.
I dont what to do for the best for me. I do not want to be lied to again. I HATE the empty hole that is left through us splitting up. I HATE it.
I have felt so happy. And it hurts that really that was false happiness. It was based on lies
That stinks
Peopel can do as they please. I do not judge that. I truly dont - what I dont want is to be with people who follow such different principles when they are principles I hold as spiritual for me and fundamental. Lots of things I am negotiable on but there are some things that I am not. Universe I will not budge on openness and honesty. And i do not profess to be perfect in this area. Far from it but I know when I am not being honest and can take responsibility and change it and I do. I make mistakes but thats what they are. When I realise this I make changtes and amends. What has been happeneing is that JH says his conscience is on the right track but his behaviour isn;t - well that doesn;t work for me.
Affairs of the heart start in the mind - that is true. But his behavour doesn;t happen without some conscious thought too. If having sexual encunters and secret relationships is OK with his principles that's great but not with me.
I have said all of this to him.
This is all just repeating rant so that I get it iout of my head. Sorry Universe for writing this all down.
I am hurting through the loss of the man I love but the man I love was deceiving me and thinking it was OK until he claims just yesterday.
He says he started making changes!
It's odd - amidst all of this going on between us he was just going to go off and have a nicve time with his friend RW. I was perplexed. It was right for him to leave of that I have no doubt. I did not want to continue with the relationship either. He has things to do. But his decisions baffle me.
He still can't let go completely - ES says she wants more explanation. I can hear that he will not see through with no contact with her. Despite everything he cannot let go completely. Just hanging on selfishly ......
That tells me really doesn't it.
I don;t think I hear sincerity.
He said he knew he was doing the wrong thing by leaving and he is in the wrong place - so why then leave and not work at what he wants???? He said he knew after the discussion we had it was not for LtB but to work on being worthy. What the hell is this?
I need to be separated from him - get over this hurt. Not be another in the chain of people he keeps hanging on. He says I am not that. But that's what I will become. ES LtB me Mona Marguerite and however many others exist or have done so in the past until he feels ready to let go.
No that is not OK I am better than that. I deserve to be respected by a person who knows they love me.
Poor ES wants to know more.
I feel a mix of anger and hurt. Love and pain. It's all got to come out and best that I don't speak with JH.

I will get beyond this I know. I talk abot the processing of emotions every day at work and here I am thinkng of cutting things short.
I want to speak in 7 days because  hate this hole  that is left. I so want that JH's feelings for me were true love. Universe I want that. But I know I can't always have what I want.
If after time it is true love it will be shown.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but isn;t there also a saying relating too much time apart as well.
It was the anniversary of my mum's death on Monday. Wow so much loss in sych close proximity.
I HURT I HURT I HURT I HURT!!!!!!!
I want no contact for these next few days and then I will let JH know ...... I need some time to think. Clear space.
Universe tell him I love him. And at the same time tell him how angry I am with him. And that I had so much thought of happiness for us in the future. But this is clouded with his deceit and behaviour. Tell him I do not judge him badly for how he is and has been - I am upset that he told me he as one thing and actually was not at all.
He says he wants to be different -  I hope he finfds what that is. And Universe if you think we need to revisit our relationship then I am sure you will show that to us. I am doubtful though you really have got things straight - after all the list I sent you these 2 things were of critical importance and emotional awareness too.
I think there is free will and the mistakes have been mine not yours.
I ut trust in you. I know you are greater than me.
Fuck I didn;t want this kind of thing to be a part of my Blog - I wanted this to be about how our love was developing.

Bliss
XX

Universe please show me what I must do ...................

What the fuck was that Universe?????????

I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My heart is broken into a million pieces.
My love and I have parted ways. I hurt like I am going to explode. I miss him already.
He left this morning. I can't stop crying with such horrible horrible pain of loss.
Weeks of working through deceit and secrecy - on and on trudging through it - my anger. Reluctance to give up working through this. Real life cuddles and warmth. Further introductions into my life. Giving everything, Holding back and wary, Prying painfully trying to believe and trust.
Finally some openness and potential for change and the realisation that we could not continue.
FUCK Universe. What the hell is going on???

Months during which I have sensed the deceit and then when probing discovering various untruths. He didn't like me using the word lies. It seemed to me that JH was so full of shame that when hearing lies he heard liar as if doomed to be forever a liar. His mother once told him once a thief always a thief. I see the point that having thieved something there was not going back on having taken that action it could not be taken away. But this is so shaming and I don;t know if his mother also helped him to learn how to correct his misdemeanour. And it certainly seems familiar that he has taken that into his heart hearing he is a bad bad person. So when I talk about lies - well it looked like shame which became anger which all of course helps to keep up the complete and utter denial of anything that would expose him as bad. Oh how I know this painful trap of self deprecation. Owning bad behaviour sets me a little bit freer each time I face denial in the face. One more step away from the murky underworld. Thank goodness for recovery. Free. World widely available.

Ew yuch! I just felt the pain again. We have spoken this evening. And realising that I need to let go. Negotiating whether we speak in a little while soon or have a couple of months with no contact. And there is the risk for me that there will be no getting back together. He will be meeting plenty of women in CoDA!! Should not write that in case he reads this but at the same time, it's reality! Women are everywhere.

So months of sensing things were not always legitimate. Asking and hearing plausibility then believing and then being hurt again.
When I discovered ES was going to be visiting and how very very gradually the details of her stay were becoming clearer. JH said that the relationship was over before then. But I wonder what their time together actually consisted of. I write this to remind me not to punish. I am hurting so much it's good to know what we came through.
So there was one particular time I recall but generally the whole visit never did seem to me to be as JH as had lead me to believe. I have wondered what they really did and how they were together at that time. I remember JH saying he was going to one place with another friend. It transpired this was not at all true and it became evident that JH was spending a lot of his time with ES. Wow that was hurtful but I chose to believe him. Oh gosh without going into detail, Eva was a frequent source of concern. Photos, regularity of contact etc etc. But I came to terms and only this weekend learnt that she knew very little about JH's relationship with me. ES's response to his email to her, explaining a little more of his behaviour in reality indicated that she knew very lttle. But she had also been instinctually aware of his deception thgough interactiosn with other women. Men will never ever comprehend the instinct of a woman. But they cleverly redirect that as being insecurity. Well insecurity exists where there are things to be curious and insecure about.

I need sleep. I have not slept well for several days now.

God I miss JH. I let him further into my heart than anyone has been before. The hole left is deep. I am trying to ensure I don't let the murkiness in.

I have more to write
Bliss
XX

You are among friends, Bliss.
Everyone, always, everywhere.
Life is good,
The Universe

The Judder Man

It's the Judder Man, my dear!
Did you sense him pass by here?
You can't outwit his Daedalian mind
He knows your kind as you entered the room.
Did I see his chill rise inside
A mortal soul shiver, I assume
Peculating fingers, flesh touched,
Spirit set aside, empty,
For the Devil to find.


I have many first lines of potential poems. This one is about memories and fears but have got no further.
I need to get up and get going. I have things to do.



My love JH is on his way to the UK. For two weeks.
Exciting!! Interesting. The longest we will have spent time together in the flesh.

Well, actually, Bliss, you were different.
You didn't want a perfect life, a typical life, or even a normal life.
You wanted a one-of-a-kind.
How we doing?
The Universe
 
Master has reinstated his requirements of me that I have not been undertaking.
It's quite amazing how the slave is awakening again.
I cannot acclimatise to te differences to be adopted slave versus lover. There is an awkward fit at times.
And then there is also real life situations that drive the slave out. I read about the need to be aware of circumstances, emotiuns etc that do not fit well with the M/s situation. But if I were not a consenting slave then I would have not choice. And you know what, this is very arousing. But when there is a love relationship as well, empotions involved in that really need to be resolved within that relationship. hey cannot be over ridden it seems with the M/s relationship. Something would be lost along the way.
I can see why DD did not want anything more than a M/s relationship. There was little emotion in sense of feeling for me although he created an adoration for him.
With my the M/s relationship is wholly different. I love him first and foremost!
 
A lot to learn.
So these last 2 days I have been stroking my slit after peeing as Master requires.
Intense emotions as well as physical arousal. Humiliation, adoration, achievement when he is pleased with me, pleased to pleased, owned. It is really not easy to describe the reason why this is all so increcibly good for me.
 
Must go
Bliss