Reflections of the reflections

Oh my gosh I have so not prepared myself for the emotional overload I have today. Not that I think it is possible to prepare for emotions really.
I feel jealousy, I feel weird but I don;t know how to describe that more fully. I feel scared. I feel excited for JH. I feel very very sad. I feel confused. I feel annoyed. I feel a longing. I feel alone.

JH briefly Whatsapped this morning. So re-packing and then leaving. A rush of emotion sped through my entire body. Even as I write here again. I don;t even know what the emotion is. It's like an electric shock that runs right through me. I can see it rushing through me.
I feel indeed very very sorry and sad that I am not going. I was excited about the trip and being with JH just having fun. And as we have been spending time just sor tof getting along - the outside world not entering into things - I have this longing and wondering why it's been necessary for me to break up from JH.
Of course I had a taste again the other evening when I felt him withdrawn and how the events of the past raise my insecurity again. Gosh howthe reflections reflect.
So he was re-packing and then leaving - and DJ was taking him to the station. That is lovely. It truly is and I am aware JH feels the nerves of travel - time is so important. Getting the train just right and checking in and the fluster of the airport etc. But once that's over and just sitting waiting it's so mich easier. Well it is for me anyway. I remember sitting at Heathrow, my plane to Amsterdam delayed. I was in a hurry to get to JH. At the same time I was just sitting there watching the comings and goings of people. Its calming for me.

I am sad that I feel unable to be adventuring with JH. I would long ago have been at the airport.
God its so powerful this rush that keeps running through me. I should be there. I really should!
I can't explain how wrong this feels.

You know whats vry sad is that I wasn;t able to change my mind yet again because I feel so ill. I feel scared of this. It's dibilitating. I don't really want to go out at all. But I am having to put one foot in front of the other. My world would very easily be so tiny and compared to what I am used to my world is already so small. I feel trapped right at the moment. And it's also sad that because of circumstances I didn;t feel safe with JH. I had before felt very safe with him. I don;t mean in any way that he would hurt me physically. No no no. I know too that he is a very loving man and cares incredibly. But I see how he needs all his energy for himself.

Oh my gosh. I have just realised I have never ever in my life cancelled a trip. I did cancel the idea of going to peru with ML but it wasn;t like this an actual cancellation and right at this stage having booked etc. I feel I have let down JH so badly. I fel terrible about the waste of money. I feel terrible about nor sharing the experiences we could be sharing. I feel shit!!! ON many levles.
It feels very big and I don;t kow if writign about it is actually making it any better at all. I seem to be escalating it.

I am thinking of him being at the airport as I should be at the airport
I am thinking about how I would be on a plane and reading and thinking. The smells, the sounds, the people. And I am not doing all these things.
It stinks
I am sorry JH.

I feel such longing.
Included in this is the knowledge that I won't be having much contact with JH and he will not be just having his usual life but will be very busy oooohhhin and aaaaahhing with a wealth of newness to bretahe in. I will be even less on his mind.
This is weird to acknowledge to myself. And so frigging selfish I suspect.

Wow HP. ET called .................
perfect timimg and reality check.



JH's trip

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Adieu - damned hard

I hadn;t prepared for this evening to be quite as difficult as this. I verbalised from an intellectual perspective that it is difficult not going to the USA with JH. At that point I hadn't actually felt the feelings. Tonight I am. It's hurting throughout my body.
We have been conversing more and more this last week. And it's difficult to define what splitting up has actually been about. All the connectedness the way it was has returned. And with it the wondering about the honesty etc. The reality is though that we are not girlfriend/boyfriend (the girl boy bit does sound a little diriculous at age 50 and 53). And as a friend I have no rights anyway to be privy to what JH does or doesn't do. It's none of my business. As a girlfriend I am not sure what right I have but it has been my request that there is openness.
Anyway, JH is busy getting ready and busy spending time with his children and friends saying goodbye. I am deeply sad that I am not going. It's just as I was saying yesterday, that the end of a relationship isn't just about the relationship itself. It's the loss of many other things that go with it.
When I separated from SH it was not only the good times we had had that wouldn't be had again, but also the village, and the shape of some mutual friendships, and no one to share the memories of laughs and places and events with, the loss of the cottage, the loss of Sophie, the loss of telling others about mutual things together. These are just a few of the things that I had to also allow myself to grieve. I hadn't ever realised it was as complex.
In the past the relationship ended and I though I moved on. Of course I have many ways of suppressing the emotions.
Well now with JH. I feel deep love for him and yet for some reason I am unable to place that with him fully. I enjoy being with hm and have to adjust to not being able to have that. I wanted to travel with him over this next week and cannot. Universe this is so hard. Please can you offer me some help?
I will speak with him now.
Bliss
x

Diatribe

Uhmm a word I wouldn't have used even though heard. I wonder if I can incorporate this somehow in my desire to improve my vocabulary
An attack or a criticism.
Why? Well it was in someones summary of a book I thought I might like to read - as if I have so much available time to read. Ha - Philip Roth Portnoy's Complaint. He also wrote the Human Stain. Of which I watched the film the other day. The story held some interest for me but the film I didn't really get a lot from. I didn't really care for the characters like I thought I should be caring considering their story.
Anyway I do not have time to read or write this. I want to do a little studying this morning before leaving for work. And on the way to work I want to collect LL's tablets.
That means leaving here about 11am and that means stopping everything about 1030. Poo it's already 10.
I am so undisciplined.

Bliss
X

Pippi

I spoke with Pippi. I am not gong to visit SL for the foreseeable future. So tonight I went for one last time to give her all the silly things I have and the LM's of the lovely places I have been. I met Pippi and her friend. I gave them some playful things and LM's, one last parachute off the Eifel Tower, had one last bounce on the trampoline and fired myself from the canon and said goodbye. It was funny because her friend said I was like a fairy Godmother giving them lots of gifts and taking them to magical places and then leaving never to be seen again. That made me smile and felt nice. I really enjoyed this little time with them, playing and giggling. I have never done that in SL before. What a great couple of people. I am glad to have met them. I will have contact as before with CD and I am glad of our curious friendship. How wodnerful to be bourhgt together through the mystery of the Internet.

It was a good farewell for me. A nice ending - no darkness just light and creativity. SL end for me.
I had hoped to locate the psychologist at the University there but it wasn't to be and so I could contact him via the OU anyway. But I haven't really got time anymore for personal interest research. Study study study my priority!!

I have JH on my mind all the time and want to be loyal to him as my friend. I have no desires for another Master or meeting another man. I love him. And the transition to friends is really important to me. I enjoy JH and it's good not to have all the insecurities we create in each other when we are just moseying along together - easy peasy.

I have started opening my books and looking at the DVDs for my course. Fascinating. I think I need some help putting a timetable together. Time to study, time to work, time for relaxation, time for friends. How on earth will I do this. Universe please show me how??????

The doc was really nice. I hadn't met her before. I gave her a long list of symptoms. She is also in menopause and said that a lot of the symptoms are familiar with menopause. She also can't take HRT so referred me to a reliable website to have a read of helpful tips. I ignored this so far today.

http://www.menopausematters.co.uk/

Anyhow she wants to repeat some blood tests as there were some last Aug that were on the low end of OK and its apparently important to check as in menopause changes can be fast and often symptoms are overlooked assuming everything is menopause.So a load of blood to be taken and after a 12 hour fast too. Poo.
I just feel generally unwell. Tired and absolutely no energy. I really find this very frustrating. Walking today was truly hard work. I would be miserable if walking was taken from me. I love walking, being out with the wind and the rain and the sunshine and the frost and the views and the dogs and the freedom of space. Wind in my hair, air on my skin. I could not bear life without walking. If this were a horror story then my worst nightmares would be easy to haunt me with ..... :)

It's late now = going to sleep.
Missing JH. It surely will get easier. Won't it?????

Goodnight
Bliss
XXX

I may have got it all wrong ........

The ability to stop, reflect, and go "wow," Bliss, is one of the wisest characteristics an old soul can possess.
I recommend it daily,
The Universe
 
When my frame of mind is a little more positive, I can remember to stop and look around me and see that everything, yes everything is amazing. people are extraordinary, the world and everything in it is simply amazing. Progress, history, just the day itself, the moon, my little LL, technology, quotes, interactions - well everything - WOW!
 
So to be able to stop and say wow to what has been occurring between JH and I. The learning that I have experienced. Increased self awareness. Love I have felt in me. Listening to my instincts. Knowing my insecurities can exaggerate. I know that I like him very much, overall. This alone outweighs the things that I have found difficult. I think by sharing my difficulties JH is able to gauge what he is comfortable about for himself and if not he can disregard my opinion. That is each of our prerogative. I am open to feedback even though of course I find it difficult. I do listen and assimilate in my own time. And when I see things that yes I would prefer were different about me I look at how to make changes. That takes practice and support.
 
I don't like the way I protect myself with behaviours fuelled by anger. The anger is becoming clearer and the drive of that anger too.
I see how frustrated I can get with clients who it is clear are behaving in away that is a destructive pattern but of course they are very defensive and don't want to changee that. And in JH I have so wanted US to be OK that I have been frustrated when I think I observe patterns that seem to be a nag from me to him to alter. HE doesn't see what I see and I don;t know what's i his head. But I can get frustrated instead of saying simply how I feel as a result of the way things have been or what has happened and leave it at that. I want instant change so that he and I can be OK. Some things that are changing will take time and that is why we cannot be girlfriend and boyfriend right now.
We had a lovely date last evening. Sharing some music, JH showed me some art from earlier years. We talked about the same old things of deceit and emotional involvement. Changes taking time etc etc.
I told JH that I am not running. That as his friend he can talk to me about anything - his estranged wife, his children, anything in his life. Of course I am still grieving the more together relationship and somehow it feel as if it's still there. So there will be times when I feel jealousy etc. I think we can be great friends. And who knows what the future can hold????
 
I watched a very interesting programme which links somewhat with preparing for my forthcoming OU course. The Brain: A Secret History. Very interesting. What was good for me was that it was almost like a recap and revision. I knew the main psychologists being talked about and their experiments.
I hadn't been aware that Pavlov experimented on children. That was very distressing. Video footage showing children operated on and being subjected to classical conditioning. It's distressing enough seeing the animals being subjected to cruelty but children - humph!! Of course he was working in the late 1800's and early 1900's in Russia. Poverty and orphan children etc were considered useful resources for workhouses as well as experiments. Charles Dickens writes extensively about such atrocities.
I hadn't realised how controversial BF Skinner was - his suggestion to systematically alter choice. He didn't hold much truck with free will and recommended ways in which to improve social misdemeanors. He was very unpopular. I hadn't read about him in that detail before.
Followed closely by William Sargent - intrigued by apparent brainwashing of communists on the American POW's. He used ECT and drugs to induce memory changes and modifying behaviours. One poor woman was sent to him because of a difference of opinion about a boyfriend. Gosh! How beautiful that one day after being released she remembered she had a boyfriend and contacted him. They are together today.
And oooo Robert Heath. Probes into the brain to induce experiences - gosh he used mainly Afro Americans like they were animals for experimenting on. How shocking.
And of course Millgram's experiment to explore what led normal decent citizens to follow the horrific orders during the Holocaust. The programme took us to meet the last remaining survivor of the experiment. Fascinating.
What was also interesting was Millgram's reflection on his own emotional response to asking people to give up their seat. There is an awkwardness I feel when asking for my needs or wants to be met - and at other times there is a feeling of right. Interesting. Worthlessness to high ego. I wonder how distorted this has become beyond a survival matter.
A great philosophical debate.Social Psychology is fascinating. As fascinating I think as Biological Psychology. I think the next course I will do is Social. I will leave the Cognitive to last which apparently by a majority vote is one of the hardest.
Fascinating stuff .. and so many questions aroused.
There is a psychologist studying the mind management of flies. Based in Oxford he makes a lot of assumptions or seemingly so in the documentary. I have questions to clarify what we have been told. I wonder if I should email him or perhaps could raise these questions during this course. I will note them down
 
One is - How do they know that blue light triggers the chemical injected brain cell to have a bad experience and remember that for the future?
 
Well enough already. Lunch - some reading and then a walk with AB before a game of Scrabble. And then a meeting this evening. I will attempt to take something positive from the meeting.
 
Bliss
X

Welcome

The New Colossus  by Emma Lazarus


Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

I can't remember why now I looked for this poem. Crazy woman
Bx

Fuconsion

I Skype messaged JH last evening. I miss him. I miss our interaction and so contacted him. I am not allowing him nor I space to move this into friendship.
I get confused all too easily. JH wonders why we have broken up and then I begin to wonder why too? Why can't we just carry on.
I am not strong enough like he is to deal with all the things that he has between us.
I was getting to be OK with the uncertainty of a relationship developing. In past relationships I have (and neither has the other person) been OK with that uncertainty. What I now recognise is the courting time. Spending time getting to know each other gradually. No attempt at long term commitment. I can see now how terrified I have been of uncertainty in the past and how controlling it is to have become deeply embroiled in a relationship almost immediately. I feel a need to qualify that to myself so that I am not the only culprit because each of these relationships has been with a person who also seems to do the same. Wanting to be together all the time, living together, promises of "forever" commitment. All too soon - always.
And actually I have mistaken control to be commitment and loving I think at times. And of course when wanting to do some of my own things I have encountered anger. That was SH for sure. I was so controllable to begin with - adapting to suit him and then when I started wanting to do my things I encountered his wrath and the only way was to rebel. Well that's one look at it. Would be interesting to have his input. That can never happen though because he is so so angry with life.

And so as I was becoming aware of this, with JH it was good to spend the week before Christmas just being how we are - individuals getting together and interacting. Yes it was very good indeed with no pressure really of anything more than that. BUT our relationship is not just about that. Between us is JH's situation. Now that is not a whinge about him have a history. Bloody hell I have a whole history too. But today I am available, emotionally and mentally as well as physically. I have made space and time since my last relationship. I am not still attached. There is sometimes some sadness and some anger but it is faint and fleeting. JH is still very much emotionally involved.
He said that if L said she wanted him back he would need help. What does that mean? Need help with what? And then his current involvement with L isn't the only difficulty. Having had our longest time together tainted with deceit, it does not make it easy to trust. JH asks for blind faith and there is no relationship without trust. Well there is more trust in him as a person because he has been more open about the situations he is in. But the combination of the past and the current leaves me questioning what I am to him.
And so to step back and be able to be a supportive friend with no need for him to be anyone else than he is seems much easier. In this way I am not wondering what his intentions are with people he is in contact with or feeling distance when he is emotionally ensconced elsewhere.
I want nothing more than for us to be able to be together. JH's situation is how it is. He writes and speaks with such clarity on how things can be. I wish I was stronger to be able to be alongside all of this just as it is and see what happens. As I write it I think oh stop worrying and get on with it. And I lose track of why it is it's been so painful.
It's been painful because earlier secrets and deceit. I cannot let go of this yet. It was big! I understand but nonetheless it has been difficult for me. And then JH revealing that he really is till trying to come to terms with being separated. It's understandable. It's not in the least bit unusual. I was told to expect to be grieving for about half the length of time of the relationship and I was only with SH for 5 years. And sure enough I started to feel some healing after about 2 years. So JH has a lot more grieving to do. Made even more difficult by spending time together as a family. It really confuses and hurts JH. He describes how they are so good together and anyone seeing them wouldn't know they are not a close family. He still wants this he says. And yet without it he wants me. That's where I think he needs time to grieve and heal and then see.
Phew it hurts like hell.

I don't think of him as a dishonest person. I think he is a decent man and someone I like so very much indeed. I love JH. He is generous and considerate in many ways. He has a freedom about his soul - looking to fling the door open. Creative of course. Fun. An adventurer.

I am feeling tired - so unwell poo.

I believe we can develop our friendship and trust can grow and  establish respect. It's time and pace and removing drama. Create an environment where we can actually talk about anything in our lives without fear of being wrong or judged etc. Just being our full selves.
Perhaps I am a fool to think it is unreasonable for a man to be investing in other women other than as friends. However I have had relationships in which I could totally trust. And friendships were that, no misconstrued messages, no confusion between him and female friends.  They created trust. And as I write that it is not the responsibility of the other person to create trust. Trust comes through from the person. It is my responsibility to be trustworthy so that the other person can put trust in me.


I am losing concentration again. I really am not OK with how I am feeling - ill and nothing makes sense every so often. Going to get some fresh air.
Back later maybe.
None of this makes much sense as I think my brain is mush right now.
Bliss
XX