Thursday, 14 April 2011

Evil afoot at the Bohemian Grove

The Bohemian Group - so the conspiracy theory could be right after all. Apparently a group of men who are some of the wealthiest in the world. What an influential group they are.
Founded in 1872. There are claims that the Manhattan Project (atom bomb) was masterminded by this group.


                                                                       
Their motto - Weaving Spiders Come Not Here - meaning to leave business talk outside. But of course 1 to 1, business will be discussed. The ultimate in networking!

The membership list has included every Republican U.S. president since 1923 (as well as some Democrats), many cabinet officials, directors and CEOs of large corporations including major financial institutions. Major military contractors, oil companies, banks (including the Federal Reserve), utilities (including nuclear power) and national media (broadcast and print) have high-ranking officials as club members or guests.

Writer and journalist William Henry Irwin said of the Grove,
You come upon it suddenly. One step and its glory is over you. There is no perspective; you cannot get far enough away from one of the trees to see it as a whole. There they stand, a world of height above you, their pinnacles hidden by their topmost fringes of branches or lost in the sky
 

I don't know the reliability of the information but if there is any truth at all it is frightening the power such a group could hold over a government. Phew no wonder its a corrupt system

Bliss
XX 

Blue Velvet

GateWhilst meditating and Cittaviveyka I heard very loudly in my mind Blue Velvet and then all I could see was vibrant blue velvet. I was meditating for an hour, mainly open eye. It was beautiful when the room disappeared and I could see so many things happening and colours. I felt so tearful at one time but ith joy. And I felt an lifting within me. A deep pleasure with the meditation. Of course suddenly "thinking" about the wonderful sensation brought me out of it. Doh! More practice. I sat thought for the hour, mainly in a state of meditation, allowing feelins to exist and freeing them to sial away down the river. Then as if they had a life of their own my thoughts were bouncing around the room. Bits of broken off thoughts and mixed up too.

South view from Main House

http://www.cittaviveka.org/

I meditated through a bevy of emotions too. And in the end felt a sense of relief and smiled with gentle contentment. I felt real love between JS and I. It was fun and remarkably easy just sitting and chatting and sharing catch up. Loved it.
I thought that JH would have enjoyed visiting the monastery and would have surely enjoyed the teachings and meditation. You see still thinking of him along those lines even though I realise the other part of him is so far from me. There are different sides to everyone and I hope that someday I can meeet with someone and we can compatible on all sides. Maintain our differences but the greater meeting means that incompatibilities pale into insignificance.

Anyway JS and I were talking so fast to catch up on what has passed in the last 4 years. It was fun and funny. I think we over talked not once but we switched topics and back again. Both forgetting things as we weer thinking so fast.
Despite the pains that brough us to meet, it was a beautiful thing that happened. Friends for life, despite differences along the way. There is strength between us that is worth the journey. You see difficulties can be worked through if both want it and value each other enough. But it means changing priorities. Distance and time has also been a part of the journey and seperate growth. And here we were together and strong. Wonderful.
We talked about attachment and detachment, we talked about abundance and courage, we talked about acceptance. We speak a similar language.

I felt ill this evening. I mean sick. I think I may have given myself food poisoning ha ha ha. I ate some soup that was a few days old. Man! I felt rough.

The visit to the specialist today. Pah! He nearly choked when I suggested that what would work for me is if they could give me three months funding to go to Prinsted. He wrote it down but he hasn;t a clue of the cost. Ha! The NHS funding that would be a miracle. But you never know I suppose. I will be referred as this was merely an assessment but the fist date to see the consultant is 17th May. I am signed off work for another week! Relief but fear too. I have an emergency out of hours contact number shoould I need some assistance. And I will also see someone in the meantime and a date is to be confirmed in writing. So they want to help. I just don't feel very confidant right now.
It was very draining telling my story to a stranger. Afterwards I felt incredibly low. I arranged to go to AB with the idea of an earlier walk so that I could then have some exercise and see JS later on. We sat and chatted too long with GB as well. So no exercise and some terrible eating practive today too. I can feel the change in my physical being that I think has craved different eating. Grrrrr. It's so hard.

So I think it would be really the thing to do, to pursue private work. It feels possible. There is even more talk about closed groups in the yurt. This idea appeals to me too. Something that could be helpful to people that are less able to afford groups. I like this idea and it flows from the days of developing Sankofa.
I wonder what Blue Velvet refers to. Whatever, it felt good and important. Perhaps Blue Velvet is the name?


Wednesday, 13 April 2011

It's not a glitter day

It doesn't seem appropriate for me to write the mood with which I awake on this morning. It seems to be happening every so many days. I have no rhyme or reason for it. People seem to keep wanting to associate it with something, event, situation but I really don't think it is actually to do with daily living.

I seem to have to work hard to rationalise just not to slip further. It's as if I have tipped over the edge of a steep slope, on the edge of a deep pit. I am scrambling hard to just stay in situ, not even at this stage getting grip enough to consider pulling myself back up over the edge to safety.

My thinking this morning started as soon as I opened my eyes. The argument about what lies ahead this morning meeting with the so-called specialists. And then about not feeling ready for work but feeling so concerned about finances too. I was relieved though to receive PD's text yesterday saying to put myself first and get properly well. That does help getting something like that from people who I am worried about how they are thinking. So then I needed to get up to walk LouLou. It's not such a sunny nor warm morning. It's one of those blanket days. The sky is plan white and it changes the light because the sun's light is not bright, it's slightly deadened by the blanket it has to pass through. And it's just a little cooler. No breeze at all.
I was thinking of JS who I will be meeting up with later. I was thinking of laughter and how everything seems on the surface anyway to be easy and chilled. Time spent concentrating on spiritual pursuits. And having achieved as well. Albeit through marriage and inheritance. But there's nothing to need to do to make ends meet. And then I started thinking how little I have achieved in material wealth. How much I have frittered away over the years. Fortunes really that I have allowed to run through my fingers. The fear of being pinned down, so running, running, running. And now this morning I suddenly felt utter shame of how I am living. Which is so much the opposite of when I have had financial overheads and responsibility bigger than this. I have wanted to downsize and be free. Here I am downsized and free.
Where ever I am, I am not content.
It's good to remind myself of this because I can focus on it being everything else around me. Right now something is going on that has brought on depression. I thought I was long past this and that any serious low periods have been circumstantial. This time I think it is realising that I cannot do anything more than I am doing. In the past there have been times when it's deep emotions that have triggered lows. But this ugh how I hate to say it again I think is associated with hormones.
I think that because it's so erratic. Yesterday afternoon and evening I felt really OK. Content, happy, laughing. I felt enthusiastic and able to plan etc. This morning I feel very low, pointless, life is pointless and everything is grey. It feels as if everyone else in the world is OK and happy but I am not. I feel scared about the future. I am not really sure what I am afraid of ... responsibility, loneliness, disability. Yet I am not there at all. And rationally I know that today is OK. I am fit and healthy in physical ways. I am getting fitter too with every day. I am looking after my nutrition well now. I am enjoying photography and creating. I am enjoying learning as I always do. I have a more than adequate roof over my head, my bills are paid, my dad is prepared to help me next month, I have wonderful friends who are there and friends that pop in and out of my life. You see I can see all of that and be incredibly grateful for it.
BUT on such mornings there is a desire to be dead. It's irrational. Yesterday afternoon I was lying in the bath and suddenly my thinking was once again on the loss of experiences of the past. My whole past can never be relieved. And it felt like overwhelming grief. I could never have any of that back. And I was going back in my memories. DM and walking in London, CO, AV, so many people, my mum and she is dead, times with my dad that were good and look at us now, places I've lived, jobs I've had and people I encountered in those places - more and more and more just loading into the dreadful loss. It's actually a physical feeling too.
The only way I could scrapple to stop from falling was to remind myself that I at least I have had these experiences. The places I have travelled to and the adventures along the way. They are all just experiences that I have had and today is another experience, just different. This helped me to stay on the edge and gradually as I carried on with my arrangements to get to AB and go for a walk I was back on the solid ground and safe. Feeling happy, laughing, chatting about all sorts of other things, knowing I had had these thought and the feeling was still close enough to know how it had felt but gone.

I said to AB how scared I am that when I am feeling suicidal, it's very different from when in the past being in the depths of depression. Then it's such a grunge feeling that there is no energy often to follow the thoughts. And when I did before, it was when I was more energised but had no counter-balance of thinking, no knowledge. Now it's different I do have the rationale, and I know it will pass if I can get passed the period of darkness. But it's so vivid and energised. I know how I will do it. I know where to go to get what I need. I feel scared of the force of the thoughts, like a solid mass pushing me ease, little resistance. I feel scared of myself.

I am not coping with hormonal changes well. I feel ashamed of anyone reading this. At the same time it is a part of me. ANd I have nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who reads or knows me and judges me harshly has no understanding. I would not pass harsh judgement on anyone who tells me this sort of thing. I would be concerned. Not enough is truly known about such matters. It is mental health and of course that then provokes assertions. People assume negatively.

I have to go and get ready. I am anxious about this morning. Looking forward to meeting with JS this afternoon and then going to the Buddhist retreat for meditation. Yes that is at least something peaceful to look forward to. Even though I am concerned of being judged by JS funnily enough. I do not need to reveal anything and I remember too how everything seemed on the surface so great but I saw JS change over the days I stayed there when visiting Spain. I could see her own difficulties with herself. I am sure like me things have moved on. I am looking forward to seeing my friend though. We have shared a lot together in the past and I am glad we have been able to stay friends.


Right - get ready and zoom off
Bliss
XX

Chugging along

On this day of your life, I believe the Universe wants you to know...
. ...that this is not the end, but the beginning. All endings start something better. It is inevitable.
Here is the promise from the Universe: Life proceeds, it never recedes.
Life progresses, it never regresses. Not even death ends anything, so how much can this particular event matter?
It is true. When one door closes, another does open.
The movement of life is ever upward. Six months from today you will know this. For now, trust it.
Do you think the Universe does not know what it's doing?
 
I do have faith in this. It is good to have received this message as a reminder.
 
Bliss
xx

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

JH Photograph

 I saw an E.O. Hoppe photograph that was not dissimilar to this one taken by JH in Amsterdam.
These are the things that I miss talking to him about. However, I can talk to other friends I realise about these things.
For instance, ML had thought some of my photos reminded her of the types of photos Martin Parr might take.
A British photographer and photo journalist.
Here are a few I selected that amused. They are not beautiful but somehow telling a story and there is a humour , shich I definitely lack. I would like to capture that humour. Actually sometimes I do perhaps. I would like to take some beautiful photographs. I want to capture shape. I prefer black and white for that. I will start looking more for shapes I think.


    



Bliss
XX

ps Think E.O Hoppe is a new fave






Elusiveness of truth and deceptiveness of appearances





Written by Neil LaBute who some have described as a misanthrope and a misogynist as it seems much of his work presents plays or films around issues with women. It would be very interesting to meet with him and discover what he thinks about these summations.

                                                                                 

Olivia Williams plays the sis. And indeed we learn that she is not a clean living person and the angry brother, Matthew Fox (who as his debut stage performance was very good indeed), reveals her history. At one point there as a suggestion of his incestuous desires for her. The seductress has been the woman he has compared himself with in terms of success and indeed she reveals his own sordid behaviour, beating women. But he can justify himself. In fact in the beginning he appears to be the monster, sweaing and drinking and less educated than his very cultured sis. As the the play unravels, it is apparent that despite her success at the University and respected position, her culture, she is less than moral. He repeatedly turns over her lying, each time she reveals a little more of the truth. She enunciates her story but he discovers another cover up lie and another. Bobby gradually pieces together what has happened. The end is that although disgusted with her, he colludes to save his sis from discovery. What I really felt is how much he loves his sis. At one point I thought it was being taken into incest but actually I think in hindsight he was displaying his adoration for her.
Betty is revealed as actually very shallow, having discovered how her young lover really feels about her when she reads his journal. Seeing herself as the enchantress compared to Bobby's femme fatale, she is facing herself as she ages. She has been relieved to be able to still turn heads and fell in love she thought when a young student appears to be beguiled by her knowledge and they can share their passion of literature together. As his reflections and suppositions start to merge, Bobby unfolds her pride and the sinister way that manifests itself.

"What LaBute is writing about is the elusiveness of truth and the deceptiveness of appearances. Bobby, for all his sexism and racism, turns out to be a fierce puritan. Betty, on the other hand, is an instinctive liar. But, while it's good to have our assumptions overturned, I am always a little suspicious of plays where it's dangerous to reveal too much of the plot." The Guardian

Olivia Wiliams seemed a little stilted at first. However, on reflection it could have been Matthew Fox. I am not sure. There just didn't seem such a flow of the lines in the opening scenes and maybe for a little longer. However, the actors seemed to warm up into their parts and became more believeable. The bro, sis relationship seemed real enough and the plot is the revealing frame between these two. It was easy to start seeing their history. It seemed subtle how to begin with the emphasis seemed to be on the low-life of Bobby and their dad and Betty was the success despite them. Ooops sorry gone back to the play.

LaBute - I read this on Wikipedia "LaBute's style is very language-oriented. His work is terse, rhythmic, and highly colloquial. His style bears similarity to one of his favorite playwrights, David Mamet. LaBute even shares some similar themes with Mamet including gender relations, political correctness, and masculinity." Yes this play was certainly about the gender relations and interations and very much about morals too. Room enough for a discussion on rights and wrongs and how some wrongs become more right as worse wrongs occur. "Well at least I don't do that", is what I mean.

    

Matthew Foz truly was superb. I really was moved from the uncooth, violent angry beer-swelling man to a man of principles and a man who loved and cared for his sister. On the otherhand, Olivia did a good job of taking me from the succesful, cultured woman to a woman who was just desperate and needy.

Overall I enjoyed it. I love the enitre experience anyway of being in the theatre, the live perfromances. We had great seats, 3rd row. We could see everything and hear clearly, no strain. It's worth paying the extra for the ease of focussing on the play rather than trying to see around people and hear above sometimes poor accoustics of the old theatres. Loved being at the Vaudeville. I didn't take anywhere enough photos.

   




ML said she enjoyed it. She too felt that the beginning was a little bit awkward and she didn't get a sense of a relationship between them. She went onto say but perhaps that was more about Betty knowing that she was lying. 
I know ML was struggling all day with her tummy pains and I was struggling also with my own issues. It is so easy to just be me with ML. There are some shortcomings we both display and somehow we muddle around them because we get on and I love and value ML so much. She is a great friend to have. We share similar principles I think but also some differences, enough to keep challenging and opening my mind. This is always good. And ML seems to be growing in her confidence with knowledge. She knows things for certain now and she seems to know that she knows these days. It's an exciting growth for her in my view.

We met at Emabnakment, an easy stroll over Hungerford Bridge from Waterloo for me. I turned up and just about to sit on the steps when ML arrived. Our first port of call was the National Portrait as ML wanted to see the photos of Nan Marriot-Watson who was apparently ML's grandmother. Nan was an actress. The photographs are by Bassano who was a leading high society portrait photographer in the late 1800's until he died in early 1900's.



        ML seems very proud of her connection to the stage. I get a feeling though that ML almost justifies herself because of the art history of people in her past, her fathers poetry, her mothers art and people like Nan and Augustus John way way back. Maybe it's me but this is where I feel a tension as if there is a superiority that seems to seep out of ML at these times. Unfortunately, the photos are no longer on display in the gallery. However, ML was able to see them and get copies of them from the database. She thoughtdully took copies for her brother too.
I suppose thinking about it, that there is a sense of being a somebody if ancestors have been a somebosy. This is a societal creation it seems. After all there is inheritance of status through the Lords and Royalty. ANd also the genetic connections of creativity is always pronounced. The woman who assisted ML to find the photographs enquired if ML had followed in her aunts footsteps. Of course people in the media have an importance. The famous are of interest. An encounter is always a sort of point of reference and holds great imporance for some people.
I can get star struck too. I think perhaps I would like to have some fame connection within my family.
I haev met many famous people in the life experiences I have had. I smile at myself as my sort of anti star struck attitude has always kicked in and I am dismissive, consequently the friendships are brief as I brush them off. Tch - I am such a bigot in an inverted way at times. Something else to work on.

So from Trafalgar Square we walked some of the way to Baker Street to find the Ampika P3 Studio. It was a huge space.
The display of the finalists for the Deutche Borse was interesting. I was aware that Jim Goldberg held the main hall and I am worried that he will be the winner. I am probably biasing his position in the gallery. Anyway I think his photo journalism is very good indeed. Highly political and not withstanding, he cuts across diplomacy. However, it is not unique anymore. It seems that I see a lot of it. Well nothing seems unique anymore. My vote is still with Roe Ethridge. I didn't get inspire by either Tom Demand or Elad Lassry. Just did nothing for me. Apart from Elad's use of the frame. I did like that.

   

I did also appreciate the precision of his photos. Crisp! But not a winner. Actually on reflection I am a lot more impressed with his work than I at first realised. But still not the winner in my mind.

Overall an interesting day. Walking around London, street scenes, art and culture.

Bliss
XX

Deutsche Borse
The annual prize is £30,000 and open to any photogrpaher of any nationality who has made a contribution to photography in Europe. (No wonder Jim Goldberg turned his attentions away from his other projects - cynical me!).
What does a contribution mean exactly? Getting published - does that mean you are a contributing photographer?
Before anyone thinks otherwise I did think highly of Jim's work. And nothing is completely original these days although everything and everyone is unique and brings them to their work, including me.
I just think that some things like money provoke or divert focus sometimes. And lets face it I would lie £30,000 and would hope not to become overly influenced by the commercialism and stick to principles. Difficult to do in a society run by economics.
There was a portrait by Roe Ethridge that I just thought was special in it's story ...
Thanksgiving
Now this is nothing to do with Europe. So I wonder what the contribution is to Europe during 2009 to 2010. Anyhow his photography has certainly been brought to my attention.

Bliss
XX

London 11 April 2011