Time set aside to share my thoughts and feelings.
Some information here is sexual and explicit in its intention so not suitable for children.
I have copied some art from other places on the internet. No infringement of privacy or theft is intended. I will remove anything immediately if required.
My place to roam around freely, my own bounds and confines.
Take whatever steps you can take without the fear of not being supported. Redefine the concept of support, and abundance so that it is not only money, but that it comes in whatever form is required and remembering that the definition of abundance is simply the ability to do what you want to do when you want to do it, no matter how it may happen. quote from Bashar
I have finally told those special few that I will not be returning to SL. It has sucked the life out of me now. Peda remains in tact in case some day in the future ...... but for now I realise I cannot deal well with the ingenuine people I am too sensitive. Instead I want to turn towards the good and light. I am not judging anyone at all - it is me that does not know how to deal with it. I have a lot of healing to do from the past and from recent experiences re-opening old wounds. No one in SL or Rl is to know those wounds exist - I need to stop being vulnerable with people who I am not safe with. A big lesson has been shown to me now I hope to learn to use the information provided.
I feel very sad saying goodbye but I cannot be sentimental about this - I wish to survive.
I am feeling better - another day of it. I felt like cleaning yesterday which I haven't been feeling like doing. And I have a feel for getting back to work as well. This morning I feel "lighter" inside of me, like whatever it is the hormones seem to drag down on, well it seems not to be dragging. I have had little glimpses of this happening and then it returns. I feel less bloated as well. I am decreasing more easily. Thank goodness.
I pray and hope that it will not return. I need the doc and the psychiatrist to help. I really cannot cope well with it at all and I think it will help me to kill myself- whatever IT is.
I am concerned about finances too. I do have some savings which are accruing. That gives me a little leeway but of course as soon as I dip into them there will be no more accrual!!!!! So do I speak with my dad? Have I got the courage?
What are my fears? Well he has always been so judgemental and would get so angry with me. He wouldn't speak to me. He has considered me a loser and a failure I think. I am not sure those are his words but I certainly have felt his contempt of me. And just recently we have had a couple of sessions of getting on. So long as I don't interfere in the conversation too much. He still is interested in what is ME. But he is at least telling me about HIM. I do say more and more what is OK and what isn't which is progress. I just want him to love me. And for ME.
It's such a big hole that I seem to find truly difficult to let go of ... I am seeing SC again on Thursday. I have no idea from one week to the next what I will talk about.
last week I was very honest with him about my sexual behaviour last year and the shame that I felt. He specialises in the sex and love issues and was so gently with me. He practically told me what the other person was like. I was amazed and had to laugh. I felt truly sad that my arousal could only come from some dark associations. And yet even as I write it I can still feel the pleasure that came from it all. I had never dived into the behaviours in any real way before then. I was reeled in with my intrigue. First the couple I met in passing and curiously asking them so many questions. At the same time I was exploring the conflicting ideas of whether it is always addiction at play. I don't believe that at all. And I certainly do not judge people for the desire and indulgence. I know for me and now a couple of other people there is an association with arousal and being controlled and I think that comes from a childhood influence. It's interesting thinking about the possibility of being in a relationship where I might be able to start informing a loving partner of things that are stimulating etc without the need for them to have full control. I can see how that is terrifying for me. Even the thought of being the Domme - well that is how it would seem to me ..... I have a lot to learn and at my age!!! Now though I would prefer to learn sexuality within a loving and equal relationship. I hope that I will not return to that darker force. It seems so sad that it's so late. I am grateful in a way to have been brought down so hard by the break up of the relationship because I might not have explored further. That is bullshit. Things are as they are and thankfully I have many avenues of support. It has been an incredible experience on many levels.
I am so sad that it didn't work out. The person wasn't the right person. Our paths crossed and so many things were really good but at this time we are on slightly different planes. That's OK. I see how quickly I attached without the knwledge how to detach graciously. I should like to learn grace. But it's the loss of something I wanted. Grieve grieve grieve. I think as well the hormonal madness being a little calmer I have some mental strength to help myself manage the emotional issues that have been exploding out of me. And with SC's help, looking at the issues from a gentle and loving point of view. Containing the emotions raging out of me etc etc.
What I am pleased about is that I can look closer at the things that I get angry about. I hope that I can continue practicing this.
I was feeling afraid and confused with all the announcements yesterday about bin Laden and then a few days before the death of Gaddafi's son. It was someone else posting the refusal to hate the supposed enemies and instead mourn the loss of a living person. It was such a gentling thought and truly what I feel more comfortable with. I am afraid for this planet of all the madness and destruction. It is happening though.
It is lovely that I know so many people that are different. They are not hungry for amassing, they are trying to do things differently. Just get along in a gentle, calm manner. Wanting change of their own mental state. I really can attune to this today and the past few days once again. I feel the love and peace and stillness.
I have taken a moment to consider the lives of those men who have died as enemies to so many. Their death has not relieved any situations whatsoever. There is more doubt and suspicion if anything.
I feel sad for the losses of those that have loved them. They are at last in peace, no struggle or fear. No need for power. I pray that the craziness between people at every level might cease and instead there can be love for each other, tolerance for differences, embracing life itself. Awareness of passions and what that motivates in ourselves being wary to consider costs to others. Empathy. Honesty - being vulnerable to gain strength. Growing and developing self awareness and awareness of others without assumption.
Baby Zoe except yet again I haven't really captured the essence of Zoe.
Keep practicing, it's sure to get better. The thing is I enjoy doing it so that in itself is success. I hope I didn't offend my friend (Zoe's grandmother).
I wish people would leave comments as they pass by my blog-life.
It would be interesting to know what they were looking for and what they found and how they think and feel about it all.
There may be those that agree with or disagree with my writings and the wiring of my brain.
I would like to hear differing opinions about things or similar thought patterns. Perhaps people have differing value systems tat might throw light on complex matters that confuse me.
I don't think I would like rudeness .....
Come on! Don't silently flit by - converse
Bliss
XX
ps I think I am feeling a heap lot better - not such a big pile of poo I am in today. Hooray
Now time for sleep
x
Henry Spencer Moore OMCHFBA (30 July 1898 – 31 August 1986) was an English sculptor and artist. He was best known for his abstract monumental bronze sculptures which are located around the world as public works of art. His forms are usually abstractions of the human figure, typically depicting mother-and-child or reclining figures. Moore's works are usually suggestive of the female body, apart from a phase in the 1950s when he sculpted family groups. His forms are generally pierced or contain hollow spaces. Many interpreters liken the undulating form of his reclining figures to the landscape and hills of his birthplace, Yorkshire. Moore was born in Castleford, the son of a mining engineer. He became well-known through his larger-scale abstract cast bronze and carved marble sculptures, and was instrumental in introducing a particular form of modernism to the United Kingdom. His ability in later life to fulfill large-scale commissions made him exceptionally wealthy. Yet he lived frugally and most of the money he earned went towards endowing the Henry Moore Foundation, which continues to support education and promotion of the arts.
Information from Wikipedia
Apparently he was influenced by Mexian sculptures from the Mayan's.
Pink and Green Sleepers
I see very sexual and sexy actions in his sculptures. A sexual dance between man and woman.
At one time I was playing with a couple of pebbles that I’d picked up, because behind my far field is a gravel pit and there are thousands of shapes and forms and one only has to go out there and I can find twenty new little ideas if I wish, immediately. Anyhow, I was playing with two pebbles which I found like that and somehow or other they got locked together and I couldn’t get them undone and I wondered how they got into position and it was like a clenched fist being tightly … Anyhow, eventually I did get it to separate; by turning and lifting, one piece came off the other. This gave one the idea of making two forms which would do that and later I called it ‘Locking Piece’ because they lock together. Henry Moore in conversation with Alan Wilkinson, c.1980, HMF archive
This would be one ideal - but within a sort of communal living arena. Friends all around - sharing meals together and tasks etc. I am not so motivated to do things when it's just for me.
I am beginning to feel a need to get back to work. This is a good sign. Not just the money but also t be structured once again and doing things within a team etc.
Yes this truly is a good sign. But tha means I need to get on with my studies this week and catch up.
I was just writing to a friend who was talking about the fairytale lifes of some and how she doesn't want her daughter growing up waiting for the fairytales to come true.
This is interesting because the fairytales are happy endings and rich living too coming from usually meagre beginnings. This is the way of Hans Christian Anderson isn't it. But we can create our own ideas of what the fairytale is and work towards it without expecting it.
As I know from experience my fairytales have altered with every step. I want this then I want that ... as a result I have had a lot of diverse experiences which contribute to something quite extraordinary as a whole story.
I am actually seeing lighter and brighter - thank goodness. Please may it last ....
I can hear my friends disappointment - I am not sure what her disappointment is motivated by. I think and only think as there a re little hints that have created these thoughts in me, that where love is concerned my friend has been very hurt and let down. And this has left a big hole that she wants to protect her own little girl from. I understand. Somehow there is a blance between having ambitions of what we want and putting in the footwork to head towards those goals but to not have expectation.
Along the way to each of my goals I have changed and then people, places and things have joined me along the journey and altered the course. I think as well that childhood influences have been guides and misguiding my choices and my desires actually. Importantly though is permitting each of us to be free to follow our path but have support. I am still uncertain of support and not so trusting. And so a lot of my choices are made alone and completely unguided. Now is that a character trait of stubbornness - is that possibly something I was born with or has that cultivated as a result of being very alone and looing after myself from a very young age - sufficiently if not of course truly efficiently.
This along the lines of my essay actually - for example are we born with empathy which would be a genetic matter. And Dr Rama of course is showing that empathy is in the neurons. And Prof Fallon shows that the psychopath brain indicates through behaviours a lack of emotional empathy. So there is evidence that neurons affect behaviours. However, there is also the influence of childhood experiences and that is not all. We cannot put all the emphasis on childhood - as we move onto school peers and teachers start to influence, but do we at that stage already behave in a particular way that results in attitude and behaviours back towards us - Sameroff's Transactional Model ...
Nothing works in isolation - for instance the baby is born lets say with some medical issue. The way the mother and baby interact will influence what the baby learns from the mother, there will also be the interaction between mother and father, father and baby and any interactiosn with siblings etc. Those lessons the growing child then takes into it's interactions with peers and teachers, plus their own ways of doing things or handling situations impact - and so on through life. So the childhood, whilst a huge influence is just the start. If we do have parallel lives, it would be so intersting to see what the outcome would be if an simple interaction along the way is different or some interactions with environmental influences are different.
However, there is the predisposition within the genes as well. So will they influence the choices and outcomes - is there freewill after all?
Ideas all for my essay too. But I need to get on with it - instead of being here writing my thoughts!
Osama bin Laden, the mastermind behind al-Qaida, is dead, President Obama announces from the White House
Osama bin Laden, the criminal mastermind behind al-Qaida and the world's most sought-after terrorist since the attacks of 11 September 2001, has been killed by a US operation, President Barack Obama has announced.
In an address to the nation, President Obama said Bin Laden was killed in a "targeted operation" in Abbottabad, a highland town north of Islamabad, last night.
The operation started with an intelligence lead last August, and culminated in an operation involving a "small team of Americans". "After a firefight they killed bin Laden."
None of the Americans was killed. Pakistani co-operation "helped to lead us to him" he said.
Osama's body is in possession of the US, according to the first reports from the US television networks.
As the news spread, crowds gathered outside the gates of the White House in Washington DC, singing the national anthem and cheering.
President Obama made the highly unusual Sunday night live statement to announce the news at around 11.30pm eastern time.
Bin Laden's capture comes eight years to the day that President George Bush declared "mission accomplished" in Iraq. As president, Bush declared he wanted bin Laden "dead or alive" – but it is now the unlikely figure of Barack Obama who has been able to announce the final triumph as US commander-in-chief.
This is a turning point in the global "war on terrorism" that has been waged since 9/11 - and the news will reverberate around the world.
The news comes as an unparalleled boost for US foreign policy, the key aim of which since 2001 has been the disarming and dismemberment of al-Qaida, and coincidentally probably ensures the re-election of Obama in 2012.
As a candidate during the 2008 election campaign, Obama repeatedly vowed: "We will kill Osama bin Laden." And so it has proved.
The Obama statement was scheduled originally for 10.30pm, but the need to inform US congressional leaders caused the delay.
In the Pakistani capital, Islamabad, one western diplomat described the news as a "game changer" – not just for al-Qaida, but also for US foreign policy in Pakistan and Afghanistan, a region embroiled in turmoil and violence since 2001.
"I'm overjoyed," said the diplomat. "But what this exactly means is really not clear."
Some analysts fear bin Laden's death could spark a precipitous US withdrawal from the region, with the war against the Taliban in Afghanistan still unresolved.
It will likely also reconfigure relations with Pakistan, where the CIA is engaged in a controversial assassination campaign against senior al-Qaida figures using Predator and Reaper drones.
"He's dead," said an official with Pakistan's Inter-Services Intelligence, declining to give details other than to say that it was "highly sensitive intelligence operation".
The official said he was "not at liberty" to give further details on the killing, including on reports that Pakistani intelligence was involved in the operation. "We'll release more information later this morning," he said.
Abbottabad is about two hours' drive north of Islamabad, in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province. It is not part of the tribal belt, where the CIA drone strike campaign has been concentrated, but is home to the Pakistan military's main training institution, the Pakistan Military Academy at Kakul.
The fact that bin Laden was killed outside the tribal belt in Pakistan will raise questions about how the six-foot four-inch fugitive, one of the most famous faces in the world, managed to escape justice for so long.
Pakistan's intelligence services have largely co-operated with the US in capturing al-Qaida fugitives - some of the most notorious figures seized since 2001 were caught in Pakistan's cities such as the architect of 9/11, Khalid Sheikh Muhammad.
In recent months US military and intelligence officials have publicly complained that the ISI has been assisting the Haqqani network, an al-Qaida-linked militant network that straddles the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.
From me -
My immediate reaction is mixed. I wonder if this man has really been the total force of power. He clearly has been at the helm of whipping up the force in the first place. So he is dead. One man. Is it even him? Well my conspiracy theories all kick off. But what else could this mean - what a scary world we live in. And I so would like a little peace haven away from dependency with the grid. Am I too scared to take the risk? Trust that all will be OK. I would not want to stop the work and learning that I am doing. There are some things that require funds - transport, living costs would still apply. If I could live in a community .... that's another Blog.
I think I feel a little shocked that he is dead. He has been such a big name of blame and yet so inaccessible as a real person - somewhere behind the scenes.
And then all the conspiracy theories purported by Michael Moore Fahrenheit 9/11. There was evidence of liaisons between the Bush family and the bin Laden family. And of course disasters around the world enable the super rich to move in and make even more money.
There is something quite distasteful about the hanging of Saddam Hussein - but then I was silly enough to watch that on You Tube. A kind of morbid fascination. Awful.
What will happen now? Who will the US blame now? What will happen in Afghanistan and Pakistan - someone will be taking over, it is not the end or is it? Could it possibly be?
I pray and hope for peaceful resolutions instead of all this disparity and raging angst.
I am scared for us all
Bliss
XX
Pink and Green Sleepers
