Harmony

I am feeling better - another day of it. I felt like cleaning yesterday which I haven't been feeling like doing. And I have a feel for getting back to work as well. This morning I feel "lighter" inside of me, like whatever it is the hormones seem to drag down on, well it seems not to be dragging. I have had little glimpses of this happening and then it returns. I feel less bloated as well. I am decreasing more easily. Thank goodness.
I pray and hope that it will not return. I need the doc and the psychiatrist to help. I really cannot cope well with it at all and I think it will help me to kill myself- whatever IT is.
I am concerned about finances too. I do have some savings which are accruing. That gives me a little leeway but of course as soon as I dip into them there will be no more accrual!!!!! So do I speak with my dad? Have I got the courage?
What are my fears? Well he has always been so judgemental and would get so angry with me. He wouldn't speak to me. He has considered me a loser and a failure I think. I am not sure those are his words but I certainly have felt his contempt of me. And just recently we have had a couple of sessions of getting on. So long as I don't interfere in the conversation too much. He still is interested in what is ME. But he is at least telling me about HIM. I do say more and more what is OK and what isn't which is progress. I just want him to love me. And for ME.
It's such a big hole that I seem to find truly difficult to let go of ... I am seeing SC again on Thursday. I have no idea from one week to the next what I will talk about.
last week I was very honest with him about my sexual behaviour last year and the shame that I felt. He specialises in the sex and love issues and was so gently with me. He practically told me what the other person was like. I was amazed and had to laugh. I felt truly sad that my arousal could only come from some dark associations. And yet even as I write it I can still feel the pleasure that came from it all. I had never dived into the behaviours in any real way before then. I was reeled in with my intrigue. First the couple I met in passing and curiously asking them so many questions. At the same time I was exploring the conflicting ideas of whether it is always addiction at play. I don't believe that at all. And I certainly do not judge people for the desire and indulgence. I know for me and now a couple of other people there is an association with arousal and being controlled and I think that comes from a childhood influence. It's interesting thinking about the possibility of being in a relationship where I might be able to start informing a loving partner of things that are stimulating etc without the need for them to have full control. I can see how that is terrifying for me. Even the thought of being the Domme - well that is how it would seem to me ..... I have a lot to learn and at my age!!! Now though I would prefer to learn sexuality within a loving and equal relationship. I hope that I will not return to that darker force. It seems so sad that it's so late. I am grateful in a way to have been brought down so hard by the break up of the relationship because I might not have explored further. That is bullshit. Things are as they are and thankfully I have many avenues of support. It has been an incredible experience on many levels.
I am so sad that it didn't work out. The person wasn't the right person. Our paths crossed and so many things were really good but at this time we are on slightly different planes. That's OK. I see how quickly I attached without the knwledge how to detach graciously. I should like to learn grace. But it's the loss of something I wanted. Grieve grieve grieve. I think as well the hormonal madness being a little calmer I have some mental strength to help myself manage the emotional issues that have been exploding out of me. And with SC's help, looking at the issues from a gentle and loving point of view. Containing the emotions raging out of me etc etc.
What I am pleased about is that I can look closer at the things that I get angry about. I hope that I can continue practicing this.
I was feeling afraid and confused with all the announcements yesterday about bin Laden and then a few days before the death of Gaddafi's son. It was someone else posting the refusal to hate the supposed enemies and instead mourn the loss of a living person. It was such a gentling thought and truly what I feel more comfortable with. I am afraid for this planet of all the madness and destruction. It is happening though.
It is lovely that I know so many people that are different. They are not hungry for amassing, they are trying to do things differently. Just get along in a gentle, calm manner. Wanting change of their own mental state. I really can attune to this today and the past few days once again. I feel the love and peace and stillness.
I have taken a moment to consider the lives of those men who have died as enemies to so many. Their death has not relieved any situations whatsoever. There is more doubt and suspicion if anything.
I feel sad for the losses of those that have loved them. They are at last in peace, no struggle or fear. No need for power. I pray that the craziness between people at every level might cease and instead there can be love for each other, tolerance for differences, embracing life itself. Awareness of passions and what that motivates in ourselves being wary to consider costs to others. Empathy. Honesty - being vulnerable to gain strength. Growing and developing self awareness and awareness of others without assumption.

I need to focus on studying now

Bliss
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