She made the sign of a spoon he made the sign of a wave.

I have read somewhere about the investment in a person of qualities that a person wants them to have. I am hoping someone knows it and can point me in the direction of it.
I feel very "up in the air at the moment". Not really got a foot firmly on anything that feels solid and grounding.
Chithurst is only 20 minutes or so away. And I would like to commit some time to that. I think I could commit Thursday to get there by 7:30 but this means I could not go for walks after work - Monday I can, Tuesday I can. Wednesday probably not and then Thursday probably not. Friday I can. After work they will be brief walks only. Saturdays and Sundays if I am not working are study and walking days.
If I could get there once a week alongside AA Monday, SLAA Wednesday and AA Friday, with the odd AA Saturday too. I miss CODA.
I think I went a bit cold turkey. The relationship ended and I was holding on alone. I am not really asking for help from friends although have lots of contact which I appreciate.
AM called - she seems to take a lot of time. I do not begrudge that and when I do talk she always is very supportive. I hope she can remember the quote or the concept that of investing in desired qualities.

Bliss
X

Special Day

Happy Birthday JH
I feel sad. This time last year I was so excited. This year about the same person I feel so sad.
Sadness hurts.
I really feel he is gone. I was holding on that he might think differently ..... but why on earth would he do that. He is enjoying his playing with things he has only allowed himself to toy with all through his time with his wife. Now he can put his fantasies into action. I hope it stops having consequences on people like me though. He doesn't have to feel that part.

I am going to get My head down to studying. Nothing else to write about this morning.
Really keeping close to my HP today.
Just texting back to AM who is hoping to be pregnant but trying not to allow her hopes to be too built up. I can mirror her toing and froing with the thoughts around that as I don't want my friend to be disappointed and I would like for her to have what she wants so badly.  With wants and the emotions attached to that it is so difficult to just go with the flow and wait to see what happens next whilst enjoying the moment. Right now she is well, she is working and that requires focus.
If I apply the same to myself. I am well, I am in a nice cleaned flat. It is peaceful around me. Nothing bad is happening and I have time to focus on my studies. LouLou is walked and now snuggled and sleeping. I am not at all alone, people are contacting me on and off all day long.
I am in need of nothing right at this very moment. Anything can happen next so stop trying to force anything. This is it and it's OK.
I have a desire for more or something else all the time. I have a hunger for experiences, information, knowledge. I am rarely content where I am. I think I want something and gradually that something becomes not enough as well. So if I stay in this very moment all is OK.

I am seeing my therapist tonight. I have had a lot of experiences of myself. But I would like to go with the lack of understanding of the enormous sadness I feel. I also don't really know how best I can use my time with him. I don't know where I am heading. Do I need to know? Can I just keep going along and see what happens each week? If I am in the moment then that would seem appropriate. Go and see what comes up. Observe how I am in the moment.
This week I have experienced jealousy, fear, sadness, irritation resulting in control, some acceptance and some ambivalence. Gratitude as always
camera, laptop, extra tuition etc. Material things.
And also gratitude for music that I really hear, friendships that are stimulating, people who are just kind and thoughtful, energy, shared wisdom, clarity, experiences at a very acute level of awareness it seems, freedom in moments, engagement with my HP, fellowship.

And then I read JS's response to a question I had about a Buddhist practice. It was lovely reading her explanation. I see in JS a definite change and I am so happy for her. She is till JS but with a greater sense of contentment. This is what I prayed for her when I was struggling all those years ago. It is a joy to see her. I am grateful for her finding this.

The Universe writes today what is suggested in fellowship as well. To be able to do something or give to someone without the knowing. When I first heard this I was mystified. Which just goes to show how thoughtless and selfish I was.
Today it is so simple to practice this but I do forget so it was nice to have the reminder and so now I will put this suggestion into practice.

When was the last time you pleasantly surprised or even shocked someone, Bliss, and remained anonymous?
Well, it just may be the most fun one can have in time and space.
Let's play,
    The Universe

The truth is I am not sure when I consciously practiced this. So now I can and I will.

I have a sense of calm and contentment myself right now, which clears brain space too for me to be able to study.
Thank you HP

Bliss
XX

Everybody knows what I am talking about

And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

A lovely weekend - busy and full of beautiful people. The Barn was very good - mezze served in a really chilled atmosphere. I liked it. Everyone seemed OK and if they didn't like it well at least they have experienced something in Farnham they didn't know existed. The band were good - jazz!
http://groupspaces.com/thebarnfarnham

The discussions were mainly history based. Light, nothing very exacting. It was interesting listening to people talking about drink and their views. There certainly was a different attitude to my own. I was able to remark on it without going into in depth detail.
It was interesting too talking with JM when we got home. The difference in our thinking about what for me is not acceptable. Getting just a few hours company per week with someone I loved and not really being able to share general experiences with. How JM has come to accept that it's better to have that than nothing. I would rather have nothing than for me what seems like a lack of retaining my dignity. I do not judge her. I see how she is comfortable with things just the way they are and she is content with her situation and what she has. It was just interesting. I question whether I did things wrong in my relationship and should have been happy to have what I was given despite everything else that was going on and the lies. BUT for me there was too much pain. So if there are consequences that are not acceptable then it is not OK. I get confused though and think well if I had just accepted then perhaps things could have been OK. No no no.
We had an easy morning talking some more then DC arrived. At last the image download situation is sorted - it was the cable all along and I sensed tat very early on but yet again didn't trust my instincts!! I just never think I know enough. Fantastic lunch at the Thomas Lord. JM very kindly picked up the tab. I was not expecting that and feel very treated. I am so lucky to have such lovely people in my life. I hope to be able to return the favour some time.
Then off to AB's - a walk and a fantastic Indian meal whilst watching horror of all horrors Come Dine With Me. Mind numbing TV



I drove home from AB's and really cried. I was thinking how I could tell my dad that I love him and that I would like him to be able to love me. Tell him that I feel so isolated from him and it feels so horrid. All I ever wanted really was for him to love me. And now I realise that I would like him to have loved me for who and how I am not by me trying to please him.
It is sad. I felt the terror of being alone. And then I was able to remind myself that I will never be alone. I hate the feeling of losing people. And yet there have been many people go and some come back.People get on and off the bus, that's the way it is.
Paul Simon's words though really rang true. And I feel blown apart. Everyone can see but not everyone will realise.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2wUq-aTjpA&feature=related

I can feel something within me - anticipation? I am not sure what it is. Something is going to happen ...... what? I cannot tell whether it is positive or negative.
It is JH's birthday. I hope he might know that I am wishing him well and hope that he is feeling happy and getting everything he wants and needs in his days.

It was a slow day
And the sun was beating
On the soldiers by the side of the road
There was a bright light
A shattering of shop windows
The bomb in the baby carriage
Was wired to the radio

These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

It was a dry wind
And it swept across the desert
And it curled into the circle of birth
And the dead sand
Falling on the children
The mothers and the fathers
And the automatic earth
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

It's a turn-around jump shot
It's everybody jump start
It's every generation throws a hero up the pop charts
Medicine is magical and magical is art
The Boy in the Bubble
And the baby with the baboon heart

And I believe
These are the days of lasers in the jungle
Lasers in the jungle somewhere
Staccato signals of constant information
A loose affiliation of millionaires
And billionaires and baby
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

A rotting rotten place filling with fresh air and light

After listening to AM for quite a long time - she is full of her new relationship and questioning things that are not very comfortable for her too - she asked about me but there wasn't much time for me as we both had to get on.
I was able to share again about the uncomfortable feeling when at the meeting with JP and B. But how I need the meeting and I need to share openly there despite my discomfort.
I also spoke about the difficulty I have in letting go of JH or what it was that seemed to be on offer. And in the end wasn't. I was very disappointed. So I also shared how I think I am a nincompoop for having this deep sense of sadness and loss. And yet I want to be moving on.
Then I managed to share briefly about the thoughts of a drink if ML drinks whilst on holiday. I am missing her and looking forward to her return. I was able to say that I am afraid that if she did drink how that would affect our relationship and I am afraid of losing her as she matters so much to me.
And then we agreed to continue the open chatter tomorrow.....
Now nearly ready. I have braved it and called The Barn to make sure they will be able to serve us food. It will be a mezze.
I have realised that this is my choice and it is different from the norm because I like it. It's me exposing a bit of me that people probably don't know and some may not like it. That's OK. I like it because it is away from the norm and not so square. It's a bit more of a wiggly shape that doesn't fit in to the every day. Good.
I have cleaned very thoroughly and like the fresh air. And JM will be staying. The first time another person has stayed here in a very long time. Well since JH actually. I have not allowed anyone here. It has been a rotten place rotting.
That is strange to acknowledge ..... It really has been a hell hole ever since then. And I am cleaning it out little by little. It feels fresh and a sense of moving on is coming. Well just for today at least.
I wonder if JH moved on without all the feelings I have had?

OK last posting before off to meet all the people
DA DC JM CS JC and me. All of whom I like. I will take my camera but it seems there will be a problem for me downloading the images unless I purchase an external CF card reader. DC will give me a disk this evening. So before I purchase one I will try that. If that doesn't work well then an external card reader it will have to be. I wonder if JB has one I could borrow. I doubt it.
I will ask. Oh I got a great shot last night of the very dark clouds with the sun obviously so low in the sky, lighting the dark cloud in a most peculiar way. I want to see it on the big screen.

Right hair dry and drop LouLou off with the lovely AB and then collect JM from the station, then let the evening begin.

Bliss
XX

Sangha

Sangha means 'in the company of truth'. That is, our true nature, our true essence, the reality before conditioning takes place. The awareness that we are all one in unity consciousness and to know that it is the ego which fights for supremacy feeding the lie of 'separation'. Feeding the lie of 'lack' when in reality there is only abundance.

JS sent this to me after I enquired of a friend of hers following reading this ...
 "The next Buddha that comes wont come as an individual person. The next Buddha will be the Sangha." Understanding the significance of the 4-fold Sangha in our day and time, shivers of resonance went up my spine." - Amma Thanasanti Bhikkhun

JS recommended listening to Mooji on You Tube
Wow!
I do like some of the things I heard ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pS_wPeDxDQ

Now there he is speaking with a generalisation yet bringing it into a personal experience too.

http://www.mooji.org/

I always get a little wary of "gurus" though. When I started reading his website and saw that there were costs and large organised events etc. I really do prefer little and personal. Yet it is good to hear the teachings.
I will listen as I clean ....

You are as a Lotus flower coming into bloom. 
Once you start enquiring into the true nature of phenomena you will be on the path out of self loathing/doubt/guilt (whatever negative belief system/perception is at work) and into self-love and acceptance.

I think I stand on the edge but at times the negative belief system is at play.
I would like to become more engaged at Chithurst. I will call and see if I can meet with a monk there.
I see value in so many of the great teachers and followers. And I can also see how that can be confusing and result in a distance from really engaging.
I like the sentiment that I can stop searching and just be. I am aware of many things and I can embrace and as JS says enquire into the true nature of phenomena. I actually do think my enquiring into self and having understanding for others (when I do) is a part of that enquiring into true phenomena. I can already feel forgiveness when I do. My dad. JH, myself and many others as they enter my mind.

Now I truly need to get on with cleaning.
Oh and perhaps EBay is away to empty the things I longer need rather than a car boot sale. Just a passing thought as I would lie to create flowing air in my home.

Bliss
xx

Heading off the logger!

In 45 mins I must get going. I have a friend coming to stay and I need to clear and clean the flat. I loathe this task quite frankly but it needs to be done.
Then this evening we are meeting up with other people that were at the same school. I mentioned to AB as we were walking the thoughts I had had about keeping in contact with people from my past. She said she felt envious as she has no friends from her past. She really only keeps in contact with me because I keep in contact with her. She is so isolated really. She says she likes it. I think it's avoidance but if she is content then who am I to question that?
I noticed that when we are discussing a subject, AB makes sweeping statements as if it applies to everyone. I then come up with a counter argument as an authority. I tried to say yesterday that it is not possible to speak for people as a general rule but can speak from one's own perspective. I find I am quite irritated by those sweeping statements, speaking for the population. But I am more irritated by my desire to argue against it with a very authoritative manner. What I am trying to do is squash the control int he other person but I am doing it by trying to control.
I wonder how I could alter my response. I can try to be aware that I am feeling controlled. AB does that a lot. I react in a way that has always been - I will argue the complete opposite just to try and break free. It's not productive. I would take that to extremes with my dad for example and it resulted in us being constantly at logger-heads. So what is the answer? Perhaps I could say "do you think that applies to everyone?" Or I could say "my personal experience has sometimes been different though".
Any suggestions would be appreciated ....

You do not need to convince people you are right, for that only draws you into power struggles with them. Nor do you need to be convinced that they are right. Having positive thoughts about others does not mean being blind to who they are. It means being willing to see the good in others and to turn the focus away from what is wrong (to you) or different. Orin

I like this. When I write that, I seem to need to write that it's not the first time I have encountered that concept in it's various forms. I am not so good at practising it though. I should like to be better at hearing others more effectively. I am practising not needing to have to boast or be heard. It is a little confusing really because I see that people who get on are those that do what I have always thought is very American - promote themselves all the time. They keep others aware of how good they are and it is the who gets promoted. I think humility for me is knowing I am good at something but not needing to promote or boast. The promotion actually comes about by being good. This can apply in the work place, in my behaviour with friends, etc etc, Being who I want to be. The difference between walking the walk or talking the talk.
So with AB there is room for me to stay aware of my internal feelings and then be more reflective to her somehow and share my own experience if it's relevant. Ask questions not fight back with another broad statement.

I was very honest last evening about my experience at the Wednesday evening meeting. There is a person that attends the meeting that cut contact with me. I think it was about 3 years ago now but maybe even slightly longer. Certainly ML was back from S.A so it was possibly towards the end of Summer 2007 - so coming up for 4 years perhaps. I was very hurt. Despite being assured that it was nothing to do with me. When she walks in and with B too I think like everyone in the room knows. I think that I am hated and horrible. I think that they are all ganging up against me. I know they don't all know. Of course B knows and she is friendly enough towards me but I feel anxious and guarded. I am resistant to being very open. I feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I shared more openly this week though. I spoke about the depression I have experienced recently and also about my discomfort with contact with JC
I think just for the time being I will reduce the contact. Even though I find it funny at times, but I need to question my motives? The conversations are not enthralling. It is simply having contact with someone. I am completely boundaried. I have noticed a couple of times I have thrown out an intriguing thread. Thankfully he is not quick to pick up on them and so I can get myself into check. It is friendliness only that is emanating from me. And I think from him too. I will not initiate anymore contact whilst I discuss and consider what to do. I will mention it to SC on Monday. I know what he will say.
I was also aware that I find it difficult to share with people how difficult I am finding it to let go of the attachment to JH. I need to share it to get it out of me. I don;t know what it is that has got so ensnared within me. I think it is more the idea of the love that was spoken about because the reality was not loving behaviour. Uh uh  that is not someone who really loves me. It is someone who also loves love I think. This is a sweeping statement again and talking for someone else. So the only way I can change that is to say that someone who is lieing and deceiving whilst telling me they are in love with me but getting defensive when being found out is not the way I want to be loved. The things that were great were the way JH was sexually with me. But it was not possible to trust anything he really said, everything was under question because he was so able to lie easily. I did not feel secure which heightened my own insecurity and low self esteem. So because of me he had the power to build me up and then let me down. That is familiar.
But why it is so hard to let go I just don't know. I need to keep talking about this because it is ongoing pain. I still have that little ray of hope that he will turn around and say that he really does love me truly. I need to shake that hope because it's not possible. I feel such loss and it hurts. And it won't go away.
When I first met him via Skype I did not find him physically attractive but was attracted the whole personal. The essence of what seemed to be him. I was so fooled. He was beguiling and so tender with his talk of mother planet, and art and design. I was also beguiled by his knowledge. Gosh that happens so much. I was always in awe of my dad too for knowing more than me. I always always find that sexy and appealing. Until that more than runs dry. There is so much for me to learn and let go of. There is so much for me to learn to just be OK with about myself.
I love learning and learn most from peoples life experiences. That doesn't mean I have to get involved with them. It is OK to develop friendships with people. Which means it could be OK to be friends with JC. But what concerns me is his deceit. I can understand and forgive that kind of behaviour amongst friends as they are learning and growing. But somehow this does feel uncomfortable. I am not certain what to do about it.
I am also concerned with AV. I have met his girlfriend and I think it is possible to see that there is nothing between AV and I at all. I am just a little concerned when he cannot freely speak with me. We do not speak often. I have asked him several times if it is a problem and he says not at all. Yet he calls when she is not there or says he cannot speak after a certain time. This could be my paranoia because actually AV is one of those people that really is open and upfront.So going on my gut instinct I will trust that in him. And leave the decisions up to him. I will mention that it went through my mind and then it is out in the open.

I am worried about ML. She is due home tomorrow or Monday perhaps her plane lands. That's if they get on. I am sure I should have no reason to worry or doubt. I have shared openly about my initial jealousy at the thought of her drinking and wanting one myself if she does. But I have also talked that through. Whilst it is probable that I am correct and alcohol isn't my primary issue, if I were to have a drink it is also possible that it would not be one. And with an occasion like this evening when I am anxious, I could over do it, and end up making a complete fool of myself somehow. And then my primary addictions could easily slip in and very quickly drink would take over and I would be in a mess. Besides I like the awareness and spiritual path I can follow without alcohol. It is an unnecessary commodity that seems to be overly accepted within society.
Perhaps more people are addicted than they would like to consider.

Julia just passed a lovey comment on FB
Bliss....this is a fantastic drawing. You have managed to capture the gentle nature of Donut, especially the eyes. You are an artist my dear xx

And Donut's human said ...
That is Brill!!!!!! It really captures her wonkiness!! I LOVE IT!!! (she really does have a lop sided kinda look) This is SO going up on my wall! xxxxx

I am thrilled that people will compliment my sketches but I also feel stupid even attempting the rubbish that I produce. Another friend the other day just laughed at my photos and said anyone can do them because cameras are so point and shoot. There is no skill.

I realise that negativity int he comment and the lack of encouragement and it's this I have heard loudest all my life. I do not proclaim to be skillful but I am slightly capable and what's more I enjoy it. I am certain that I could benefit from some simple guidance and thereby improve.
I have always thought I do not have a creative mind.That I am very square and stiff.
Even now I am anxious about this evening having chosen a very Bohemian place for us all to meet. I am scared that they will hate it, that it will be too different for them and as a result they will judge me. Well I challenge that. The place is fun. It is different and that's why I like it. Those that don't well at least they will have tried it and seen something other than the usual. More importantly it's conducive to sitting and relaxing and chatting which is the main purpose of getting together. So I am sure we can have fun unless there are cynics like me about. I didn't enjoy the bigger event because I am less comfortable in bigger groups and also was feeling very uncomfortable being me. Most other people were at ease and enjoyed it. So I have to look at me not at the location and organisation.

I will get on now, having emptied my mind. It works!

Bliss
XX

The Stool of Unmanageability

A true friend doesn't care when you're broke, what you weigh, what you look like, if your house is a mess, what you drive, about your past, or if your family is filled with CRAZY people. Your conversations pick up where they left off, even if they have been months apart. They love you for who you are and don't judge you.  They will know who they are!

I will comment on this later ....


I checked it out with my friends first, as I was preparing to send a birthday card. As everyone without exception pointed out, this would be breaking my own bottom line of no contact. I wanted to send a card and at the same time knew something didn't feel right. It seems rude and thoughtless. What will he think of me type thing? Well I was reminded that he knows I have requested no contact for the time being. So actually I haven't been unmanageable. It feels very sad though. Sad that it didn't work out how it had seemed things were and sad that having not worked out it is how it is. Sad too that because of me it's the best thing for me yet it's his birthday. Well I'm sure it's of little consequence in the greater scheme of things for him. No doubt he has moved on a long time ago now.

An earthquake in Spain. It seems it's far away from anyone I know.

It’s horrid not having access to Blogger and the fact that they have deleted all posts made before 11May is concerning. Thankfully I save all my posts now. I wanted the record and the ownership to be all mine.

It is incredible the sadness I am still feeling due to the end of what I had believed in as a loving relationship with JH. I was looking at a friend’s photos of a visit to Amsterdam and immediately felt the loss again.

Oh so much better for a long and good sleep

Woke at 650 walking by 710 - lovely

I took photos but I can't download the images yet - no software :)

My friend is going to give me the software on Saturday evening. A bunch of us are meeting up for a bite to eat a gathering and a cuppa green tea for me and copious amounts of alcohol for them. All old school friends. Mind you yesterday I was really thinking that I would like a drink. Every so often that happens. I don;t actually think alcohol was my primary issue. But it did get worse and it caused me consequences I didn't like. So I soon talked myself away from that thought.

It's a funny thing. When I left school and my teenage home town to go to work in London, I didn't keep any friends. I left it all behind with a feeling of good riddance.

I have always done this and even thought it kind of sissy to have friends from childhood and yet been inspired when I have met people who are friends from childhood or for a long standing time.

These days I do have friends that I have now had for many years. But still think I will be thought of as sissy for it. I am trying to work out where this comes from.

I think it's my dad somehow - he is always moving on, never has any friends.

When my mum died and he remarried he cut contact with everyone - my mums family, all their friends.

I have learnt that he has kept in touch with one of his friends from the army (but then he is really proud of having been in the army and his ongoing military connections - so its counter really to what he advocates on the surface).

I think I have picked up on the false pride of not needing anyone and yet truly I feel needy of people. I am learning I don't need anyone but I like to be with people and connect. No one needs anyone but we do need fellowship and friendship and interaction as humans. I allow that for myself these days.

So anyway, this gathering of old school friends occurred after 1 old school friend got in contact with me and we met up in Farnham - she was visiting her mum and I am not too far away now. As a result she suggested we see if anyone else wanted to meet - the next time there were 6 of us and then the next 12 and then 20 odd. I didn't like the bigger gathering to be honest. But anyway there were a few people with whom I really enjoyed their company. I was surprised but I am not sure why? Something to do with this detachment perhaps.

So we have kept in contact and every so often meet up.

I am relieved to not be feeling again the drain that comes from deep within me and affects my mood. I just felt dreadful last night and went to bed to sleep so that I didn’t feel it. This morning is so much better. Energy, mood OK, no desire to eat the planet of all it’s food resources, lighter in myself physically and emotionally. Phew. OK on with some studying then!!

Bliss
X