1960 advert for Aquascutum
Beautifully PirelliBliss
XX
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Virtuous moments
My cousin is so ill. I don't know the finer details but I do know it's Cancer. And it's unusual. No treatment so far has had the slightest effect. She is 41 years old and has 3 daughters, the eldest in her teens the youngest is 10. The youngest was born just before my mum died. This all stinks and I don't get it. I know, I know, mine is not to reason why. It is how it is. Yet it's very tragic and confusing too. I can detach and not feel a thing. I can write this in a very detached manner. But someone told me today to keep things ion perspective and that things like this and worse are happening all over the world and every minute of the day! So flipping what!! I have feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, sorrow, disbelief even. I cannot fathom the depth of the pain as I observe my auntie, her mum. I cannot fathom the confusion and despair of her husband and her beautiful daughters. Her desire to live and yet I think I detect a resignation as they move into ever more desperate measures because nothing is working. I read of her sleepless nights and the loneliness of lying there awake, just thoughts going around and around. I despair for her.
I cannot quite connect with it as I am writing. I feel angry. That is so much the easier emotion to engage with. Anger can sort of be empowering when I feel so powerless.
None of it makes sense. God? Universe?
It seems so wrong when I spend hours and hours wishing I had the courage to end it all as I look about and cannot understand what it is all about. And how confused I get when I have moments of passion engaging with with life. Just like this evening on the way home. I dropped into the preview of an auction that starts tomorrow. So many "THINGS". The THING that grabbed me the most was some illustrated letters. Beautiful illustrations, pen and ink and some little water colours. They are exquisite. Deliciously delightful. Just ooh scrumptious! I wanted them there and then. And then I wonder what do I want them for? To put in a frame and hang on my wall? Just to have? What is it? And then I am home again wondering what any of it is about.
Why not take me instead of her? It makes no sense at all.
Stuff. What's it all about? Owning stuff I mean. Having things. I loved seeing all the Egon Schiele's in the same room and wanted them in that instant. Well I bought myself the book to have something. But what is this thing we humans seem to have of possessing and acquiring and having. It's stuff. ANd then it's of no value to the dead person. It's an odd phenomenon. I want things and then I need to put it all away as I move onto the next load of stuff. Then put that all away. I have never had one hobby or one interest or one one one. So there's loads of STUFF to have and hold. How liberating to have to hold and then to let go. No new STUFF without passing on the old STUFF! Or just let it exist and glory in the opportunity to have seen and even touched as in the letters mentioned above. Lucky, lucky me!n
My medication has arrived apparently at the doctors surgery. Lamotrigine.
I have read about it. It still freaks me slightly - sometimes more sometimes less when I read about bi-polar and see me staring out me from the pages. I recognise things from way way back. I don't know what this all means or if it's real or what???? I am just confused generally.
If there were someone who could love me and help support me and be there. Just be there. Truly loving. Unconditionally. And someone I could give my passion to. I don't feel lonely right now. Oh no no no not at all. I feel sad that I have all this passion and it just fizzles into thin air. It lives in virtues and floats on moments. Not wasted, yet fleeting, transient and then fades to nothingness and dies.
Oh SLAA - inappropriate thoughts - "I wonder if there is anyone here who is healthy enough to have a relationship with?" (After hearing someone sharing that they are needy within relationships) "well a needy person would at least mean they want to be with me" Then I remembered how easily a needy person would be tempted elsewhere by the slightest attention. So inappropriate. Oh and also "I just want someone to look after me" at which point I noticed how childish I was feeling and probably acting too. It's very sad really and confusing. I refuse to beat myself up anymore. Clearly this is all thinking and behaviour to work on whilst acknowledging how vulnerable I am and that I need to take care of my needs - then I hug myself as clearly I just need some understanding and love. Friends can offer that in brief interludes. My dad can't and previous partners, lovers etc have not been able to either. I can do this for myself.
Cats are screeching outside!
You know, Bliss, here in the unseen, where everything is always spotlessly clean, all gadgets work, dust never settles, and everyone's fit as a fiddle, we often miss the deep sense of satisfaction that you feel for a job well done, breaking a sweat, busting a move or otherwise living such blessed physical lives in such a magically spiritual world.
Truly, magic on its own, without even a smidge of suspense, bores.
You should see how fit I am,
The Universe
I guess this tells me that I would be so bored if there weren't ups and downs, drama and tribulations.
I know I would be. I know I have been. I end up moving on so quickly. No one so far has been able to maintain the variety that sustains me. Is this bi-polar related too? And the dramas drive adrenalin.
Mmmmm I know it I realise. Just want someone to love me anyway.
Oh well. Sketching now then bed. I will be glad when this week is over at work
Oh my latest idea - buying and selling. Inspired by SH. Fascinating.
Bliss
XX
I cannot quite connect with it as I am writing. I feel angry. That is so much the easier emotion to engage with. Anger can sort of be empowering when I feel so powerless.
None of it makes sense. God? Universe?
It seems so wrong when I spend hours and hours wishing I had the courage to end it all as I look about and cannot understand what it is all about. And how confused I get when I have moments of passion engaging with with life. Just like this evening on the way home. I dropped into the preview of an auction that starts tomorrow. So many "THINGS". The THING that grabbed me the most was some illustrated letters. Beautiful illustrations, pen and ink and some little water colours. They are exquisite. Deliciously delightful. Just ooh scrumptious! I wanted them there and then. And then I wonder what do I want them for? To put in a frame and hang on my wall? Just to have? What is it? And then I am home again wondering what any of it is about.
Why not take me instead of her? It makes no sense at all.
Illustrated letters to 'PP' from Alastair Makintosh with well drawn images of nude and semi clad ladies
Stuff. What's it all about? Owning stuff I mean. Having things. I loved seeing all the Egon Schiele's in the same room and wanted them in that instant. Well I bought myself the book to have something. But what is this thing we humans seem to have of possessing and acquiring and having. It's stuff. ANd then it's of no value to the dead person. It's an odd phenomenon. I want things and then I need to put it all away as I move onto the next load of stuff. Then put that all away. I have never had one hobby or one interest or one one one. So there's loads of STUFF to have and hold. How liberating to have to hold and then to let go. No new STUFF without passing on the old STUFF! Or just let it exist and glory in the opportunity to have seen and even touched as in the letters mentioned above. Lucky, lucky me!n
My medication has arrived apparently at the doctors surgery. Lamotrigine.
I have read about it. It still freaks me slightly - sometimes more sometimes less when I read about bi-polar and see me staring out me from the pages. I recognise things from way way back. I don't know what this all means or if it's real or what???? I am just confused generally.
If there were someone who could love me and help support me and be there. Just be there. Truly loving. Unconditionally. And someone I could give my passion to. I don't feel lonely right now. Oh no no no not at all. I feel sad that I have all this passion and it just fizzles into thin air. It lives in virtues and floats on moments. Not wasted, yet fleeting, transient and then fades to nothingness and dies.
Oh SLAA - inappropriate thoughts - "I wonder if there is anyone here who is healthy enough to have a relationship with?" (After hearing someone sharing that they are needy within relationships) "well a needy person would at least mean they want to be with me" Then I remembered how easily a needy person would be tempted elsewhere by the slightest attention. So inappropriate. Oh and also "I just want someone to look after me" at which point I noticed how childish I was feeling and probably acting too. It's very sad really and confusing. I refuse to beat myself up anymore. Clearly this is all thinking and behaviour to work on whilst acknowledging how vulnerable I am and that I need to take care of my needs - then I hug myself as clearly I just need some understanding and love. Friends can offer that in brief interludes. My dad can't and previous partners, lovers etc have not been able to either. I can do this for myself.
Cats are screeching outside!
You know, Bliss, here in the unseen, where everything is always spotlessly clean, all gadgets work, dust never settles, and everyone's fit as a fiddle, we often miss the deep sense of satisfaction that you feel for a job well done, breaking a sweat, busting a move or otherwise living such blessed physical lives in such a magically spiritual world.
Truly, magic on its own, without even a smidge of suspense, bores.
You should see how fit I am,
The Universe
I guess this tells me that I would be so bored if there weren't ups and downs, drama and tribulations.
I know I would be. I know I have been. I end up moving on so quickly. No one so far has been able to maintain the variety that sustains me. Is this bi-polar related too? And the dramas drive adrenalin.
Mmmmm I know it I realise. Just want someone to love me anyway.
Oh well. Sketching now then bed. I will be glad when this week is over at work
Oh my latest idea - buying and selling. Inspired by SH. Fascinating.
Bliss
XX
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Claridges Art Deco
AFTERNOON TEA AT CLARIDGE'S
English tradition at its finest – Claridge’s serves the best afternoon tea in London
This year we were delighted to be named London’s finest venue for afternoon tea for the second time when we received ‘The Tea Guild’s Top London Afternoon Tea 2011’ award, the highest accolade in the tea world.
Luxurious, elegant – and perfect every day. Our award-winning afternoon tea is a mouth-watering and utterly English meal of pastries and savouries, light, crusty scones and rich clotted cream.
- a choice of 30 teas from all over the world
- a delicious array of finger sandwiches
- a selection of sweet pastries
- freshly baked raisin and apple scones with tea-infused jam and Devonshire clotted cream
Prices
- Afternoon tea - £37 per person
- Champagne Afternoon tea - £48 per person,
accompanied by a glass of selected Champagne - Rosé Champagne Afternoon tea - £60 per person,
accompanied by a glass of selected rosé Champagne
Seasonal Afternoon teas - £50 per person:
- Great British Afternoon tea - 18th June – 3rd JulyTraditional afternoon tea accompanied by a glass of rose champagne, strawberries and macaroons
Awards
- Tea Guild Award of Excellence 2010, 2009, 2008, and 2007
- Tea Guild Best Afternoon Tea 2006 and 2011
Afternoon tea is served daily at 3.00, 3.30, 5.00 or 5.30pm.
A discretionary service charge of 12.5% will be added to your bill.
Book your afternoon tea
For afternoon tea at Claridge’s, reservations are essential. To make a reservation, complete the online form or call +44 (0)20 7107 8872
Reservation lines are open daily 8am - 8pm.
A chocolate fireguard - not very uesful
The best thing about every financial meltdown, Bliss, global or otherwise, is learning that whatever was lost, can be recreated.
Hold on loosely,
The Universe
I am holding onto the idea of abundance. I have so much really and a little financial shake up has been enough to rock me off my axis. Well I will believe that everything will be OK. It has so far in a strange way or another. And I have made it to this age. It's shocking how shocked I get and how I freeze with fear.
There are people in far worse situations than me in this country and around the world. I need to hang on to being grateful for what I do have.
Well insurance documents have arrived and now I need to call the RAC again to ensure they send a copy of my NCB guarantee. Oh my gosh this is so flipping time consuming.
I also need to call my doc to see if meds are being arranged as per my last conversation with Dr G. And LS hasn't called me re an appointment. Oh NP cancelled tomorrows tuition session - good, so tired anyway. I am sure there was something else I was supposed to do about calling someone.
I will put reminders in my phone.
Hopelessly chaotic.
Yesterday was a really challenging day at work. I was feeling very insecure and also sad that I hadn't seem to find a way to create trust in me for a client. It was horrid. And even worse being so much the receiving end of her anger which actually was huge in comparison with the situation. At the end of yesterday I drained and wondering what I could have done differently. My timing was bad with one element I believe. But with regards to boundaries and forcing the issue I feel confident that it was correct for the programme we are running. The disappointment is that if only we could have found a way for the client to stay with it and work through the process she might have gained a real moment of clarity. But she is terrified it seems of staying with the feelings. A lot of processing involved and clinical supervision was focused mainly on this matter. I expressed my sudden insecurity and was surprised to get the feedback I did. I wonder if colleagues don;t actually criticise anything much because they are scared to or because there genuinely hasn't been anything to say. I think as well hear it as we go along. I had to raise something about a difference of opinion on an issue of client suitability. I always feel so uncomfortable raising these things but also it's so important. As a result this also got clarified and it feels so good to have things light and airy and out in the open. Dealing with people who are open to discussion and not taking matters as a personal affront is wonderful. It means that anything can be worked through. And this is of course what we state to our clients. We are living proof that it can be done. And also that it's not so easy to do but gets easier with practice.
It's truly good to talk!
I talked with a friend last evening and it did so help. I was able to simply share. I shared about the insurance situation too which actually was difficult as I feel so much shame about it. Interesting. What is the shame about? That I have had such a fiasco with it, that my error in the first instance has contributed, that I have had to pay so much out as a result of my error and a series of lack of service. The powerlessness that I take full responsibility for. It's as if something goes wrong it is all my fault. Some of this is my fault and that I am ashamed of too. The fact that I have had to pay such a ridiculous amount out is also something I ashamed about. I am not quite sure where that originates from. It is a common source of shame for me when I think I have been ripped off. I am not sure where that can go back to though as a point of being shamed or taking on shame about this.
Anyway this evening I feel tired tired tired - BUT - not overwhelmed with emotions.
I need to sort out this insurance matter about the NCB. It's so important - I am useless at such things!!
It's the Summer solstice and the sky is lovely - still light
If I ha more energy I would take a photo.
Poo to energy lacking
Bliss
XX
Hold on loosely,
The Universe
I am holding onto the idea of abundance. I have so much really and a little financial shake up has been enough to rock me off my axis. Well I will believe that everything will be OK. It has so far in a strange way or another. And I have made it to this age. It's shocking how shocked I get and how I freeze with fear.
There are people in far worse situations than me in this country and around the world. I need to hang on to being grateful for what I do have.
Well insurance documents have arrived and now I need to call the RAC again to ensure they send a copy of my NCB guarantee. Oh my gosh this is so flipping time consuming.
I also need to call my doc to see if meds are being arranged as per my last conversation with Dr G. And LS hasn't called me re an appointment. Oh NP cancelled tomorrows tuition session - good, so tired anyway. I am sure there was something else I was supposed to do about calling someone.
I will put reminders in my phone.
Hopelessly chaotic.
Yesterday was a really challenging day at work. I was feeling very insecure and also sad that I hadn't seem to find a way to create trust in me for a client. It was horrid. And even worse being so much the receiving end of her anger which actually was huge in comparison with the situation. At the end of yesterday I drained and wondering what I could have done differently. My timing was bad with one element I believe. But with regards to boundaries and forcing the issue I feel confident that it was correct for the programme we are running. The disappointment is that if only we could have found a way for the client to stay with it and work through the process she might have gained a real moment of clarity. But she is terrified it seems of staying with the feelings. A lot of processing involved and clinical supervision was focused mainly on this matter. I expressed my sudden insecurity and was surprised to get the feedback I did. I wonder if colleagues don;t actually criticise anything much because they are scared to or because there genuinely hasn't been anything to say. I think as well hear it as we go along. I had to raise something about a difference of opinion on an issue of client suitability. I always feel so uncomfortable raising these things but also it's so important. As a result this also got clarified and it feels so good to have things light and airy and out in the open. Dealing with people who are open to discussion and not taking matters as a personal affront is wonderful. It means that anything can be worked through. And this is of course what we state to our clients. We are living proof that it can be done. And also that it's not so easy to do but gets easier with practice.
It's truly good to talk!
I talked with a friend last evening and it did so help. I was able to simply share. I shared about the insurance situation too which actually was difficult as I feel so much shame about it. Interesting. What is the shame about? That I have had such a fiasco with it, that my error in the first instance has contributed, that I have had to pay so much out as a result of my error and a series of lack of service. The powerlessness that I take full responsibility for. It's as if something goes wrong it is all my fault. Some of this is my fault and that I am ashamed of too. The fact that I have had to pay such a ridiculous amount out is also something I ashamed about. I am not quite sure where that originates from. It is a common source of shame for me when I think I have been ripped off. I am not sure where that can go back to though as a point of being shamed or taking on shame about this.
Anyway this evening I feel tired tired tired - BUT - not overwhelmed with emotions.
I need to sort out this insurance matter about the NCB. It's so important - I am useless at such things!!
It's the Summer solstice and the sky is lovely - still light
If I ha more energy I would take a photo.
Poo to energy lacking
Bliss
XX
Sunday, 19 June 2011
OMG! Help
Well my dad has called me back and really I wanted to tell him about my situation with the insurance. Especially now that I have learnt that all my money is being refunded but because I didn't provide full information at the time of my insurance request I have been refused completely.
I have had three accidents that were not my fault
20/05/2008 - payout £1000
08/08/2009 - no damage
12/10/2010 - payout £1000
NCD - 9 years protected
The cheapest quote now is £872 but on direct debit is £1047
This is all just so crazy. So I have a cover from today anyway. Phew. Paying by direct debit but I can settle this when I get the money back from RAC. I can then pay it off in one foul swoop.
I need more 1:1 work as I am in deparate need of money.
Hopefully Joan will be able to return the days that have been dedeucted from my pay due to my sickness.
Bloody hell so the money my dad gave to me has been eaten up and gone!
This has been horrid.
Now I have to update my driving licnence photo too. £20 for the privilege.
God I had a left itchy hand the other day and that means losing money. I have lost money had over fist the last few months.
Aaaaaargh. It's all so stressful. I get so sacred but I have to trust.
All will be OK if I simply trust. Everything has always worked out somehow.
I just have to stop spending now and be really cautious. I need to go out less. This month I have been out a lot and spent a lot of money in the process.
I need to be cautious.
Bliss
XX
I have had three accidents that were not my fault
20/05/2008 - payout £1000
08/08/2009 - no damage
12/10/2010 - payout £1000
NCD - 9 years protected
The cheapest quote now is £872 but on direct debit is £1047
This is all just so crazy. So I have a cover from today anyway. Phew. Paying by direct debit but I can settle this when I get the money back from RAC. I can then pay it off in one foul swoop.
I need more 1:1 work as I am in deparate need of money.
Hopefully Joan will be able to return the days that have been dedeucted from my pay due to my sickness.
Bloody hell so the money my dad gave to me has been eaten up and gone!
This has been horrid.
Now I have to update my driving licnence photo too. £20 for the privilege.
God I had a left itchy hand the other day and that means losing money. I have lost money had over fist the last few months.
Aaaaaargh. It's all so stressful. I get so sacred but I have to trust.
All will be OK if I simply trust. Everything has always worked out somehow.
I just have to stop spending now and be really cautious. I need to go out less. This month I have been out a lot and spent a lot of money in the process.
I need to be cautious.
Bliss
XX
mindfulness matters
The sun shines by day, the moon shines by night.
But, both all day and all night the Buddha shines in glorious splendour.
Dhammapada v.387
Ajahn Munindo says ...
Whever there is a well-established mindfulness, there is beauty, clarity and the possibility for deepening understanding. If there is constant mindfulness, there is constant clarity. All day and all night the heart of mindfulness shines in glorious splendour.
Mmmm mindfulness. I was not mindful yesterday and erally paying the price for it. I was not mindful of what I wanted and believing that I am worth asking for. And then not trusting that the outcome is the right one even if it was to go against my wants. And then even later in the day I was not mindful enough to say that I wanted to leave. I set no boundaries, instead listenting but worrying.
So I am feeling terrible about myself because of the way in which I handled the entire situation.
And today I decided to call my dad for Father's Day. That was OK. He was still in bed. Which is alarming as my dad never used to lie in. He would be up and out early in the morning. He claimed that the tablets cuase sleeplessness due to terrible cramps.
Then I called the RAC as I am awaiting a refund of £362 (ish). I then realised that I do not have the paperwork for the new motor insurance. I have paid out an additional £558 for this. So the RAC have all this mney of mine and it seems I am not insured. I am very scared!
A very helpful Customer Services person called Rachel is supposedly trying to help me with this but my phone cut off and I am trying to get back to her via Abid who was completely misunderstanding the entire situation. Eventually I was able to to get across that I need to speak to Rachel. I am now sitting wiaiting for her to call me back but worried that she won't. How long do I leave it?
Now this problem is due to my lack of mindfulness from the off-set. When I first made enquiries about renewing my policy I moved from AA to RAC to try and save money. But it seems I did not provide correct information which invalidated my insurance. OK I did not intentionally misinform and had to take that rap although I was very angry and mistrusting. So i arranged for the invalidated cover to be refunded - this was 4th May and still has not been refunded. In the same call I took out a new cover £558. I have not received paperwork. My lack of attention to detail and preparedness to chase has resulted in today discovering that for some reason the new policy has been cancelled (but never refunded also). So I thought I was covered, £900 ish down in money and no one seems to know whats going on.
Ok I am holding again for Rachel ...... aaaaargh!
It is my fault sure but also there is responsibility surely for incompetency on their part. The only person who suffers in every way - time, financially and growing telephone charhes is me! Service is pretty poor. Is it better with a personlised Broker and avoid these big call centre style Brokers? They charge even more don't they? Are they more efficient?
So now I also have the issue that an insurance has been refused.
Furthermore I am stressed and also not studying.
All round and for moments of pleasure or reward, only I am feeling incredibly stressed adding to a sense of how useless I am and thereby hopeless.
I feel like
Bliss
xx
But, both all day and all night the Buddha shines in glorious splendour.
Dhammapada v.387
Ajahn Munindo says ...
Whever there is a well-established mindfulness, there is beauty, clarity and the possibility for deepening understanding. If there is constant mindfulness, there is constant clarity. All day and all night the heart of mindfulness shines in glorious splendour.
Mmmm mindfulness. I was not mindful yesterday and erally paying the price for it. I was not mindful of what I wanted and believing that I am worth asking for. And then not trusting that the outcome is the right one even if it was to go against my wants. And then even later in the day I was not mindful enough to say that I wanted to leave. I set no boundaries, instead listenting but worrying.
So I am feeling terrible about myself because of the way in which I handled the entire situation.
And today I decided to call my dad for Father's Day. That was OK. He was still in bed. Which is alarming as my dad never used to lie in. He would be up and out early in the morning. He claimed that the tablets cuase sleeplessness due to terrible cramps.
Then I called the RAC as I am awaiting a refund of £362 (ish). I then realised that I do not have the paperwork for the new motor insurance. I have paid out an additional £558 for this. So the RAC have all this mney of mine and it seems I am not insured. I am very scared!
A very helpful Customer Services person called Rachel is supposedly trying to help me with this but my phone cut off and I am trying to get back to her via Abid who was completely misunderstanding the entire situation. Eventually I was able to to get across that I need to speak to Rachel. I am now sitting wiaiting for her to call me back but worried that she won't. How long do I leave it?
Now this problem is due to my lack of mindfulness from the off-set. When I first made enquiries about renewing my policy I moved from AA to RAC to try and save money. But it seems I did not provide correct information which invalidated my insurance. OK I did not intentionally misinform and had to take that rap although I was very angry and mistrusting. So i arranged for the invalidated cover to be refunded - this was 4th May and still has not been refunded. In the same call I took out a new cover £558. I have not received paperwork. My lack of attention to detail and preparedness to chase has resulted in today discovering that for some reason the new policy has been cancelled (but never refunded also). So I thought I was covered, £900 ish down in money and no one seems to know whats going on.
Ok I am holding again for Rachel ...... aaaaargh!
It is my fault sure but also there is responsibility surely for incompetency on their part. The only person who suffers in every way - time, financially and growing telephone charhes is me! Service is pretty poor. Is it better with a personlised Broker and avoid these big call centre style Brokers? They charge even more don't they? Are they more efficient?
So now I also have the issue that an insurance has been refused.
Furthermore I am stressed and also not studying.
All round and for moments of pleasure or reward, only I am feeling incredibly stressed adding to a sense of how useless I am and thereby hopeless.
I feel like
Bliss
xx
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