Sex and alcohol

15 March 2012 Last updated at 18:32

Sex-starved fruit flies turn to drink

By Jason Palmer Science and technology reporter, BBC News

 

Male fruit flies that have been rejected by females drink significantly more alcohol than those that have mated freely, scientists say.

In an article in Science, researchers suggest that alcohol stimulates the flies' brains as a "reward" in a similar way to sexual conquest.

The work points to a brain chemical called neuropeptide F, which seems to be regulated by the flies' behaviour.

Human brains have a similar chemical, which may react in a similar way.

The connection between alcohol and this chemical, which in humans is known as neuropeptide Y, has already been noted in studies involving hard-drinking mice.

The new work explores the link between such reward-seeking and the study of social interactions, said the lead author of the report Galit Shohat-Ophir, now of the Howard Hughes Medical Institute in Virginia, US.

"It is thought that reward systems evolved to reinforce behaviours that are important for the survival of both individuals and species, like food consumption and mating," Dr Shohat-Ophir told BBC News.

"Drugs of abuse kind of hijack the same neural pathways used by natural rewards, so we wanted to use alcohol - which is an extreme example of a compound that can affect the reward system - to get into the mechanism of what makes social interaction rewarding for animals."
'Control system'
Working in the laboratory of Ulrike Heberlein at the University of California, San Francisco, Dr Shohat-Ophir and colleagues subjected a number of flies to a wide variety of fates.

In one set of experiments, male flies were put in a box with five virgin females, which were receptive to the males' advances. In another, males were locked up with females that had already mated and which thus roundly rejected the males' attempts at sex.

Offered either their normal food slurry or a version charged with 15% alcohol, the mated males avoided the alcohol, whereas the sexually deprived males went on a comparative bender.

The team then went on a hunt for a chemical that could tie the two parts of this story together, hitting on neuropeptide F (NPF).

In mammals, the "rewarding" brain chemical is called neuropeptide Y

They found that the heavy-drinking rejected males had a lowered level of the chemical, and sated, mated males had an elevated level.

"What we think is that these NPF levels are some kind of 'molecular signature' to the experience," Dr Shohat-Ophir explained.

To show that the NPF is actually responsible for the change rather than just associated with it, the researchers actively manipulated just how much NPF was in the flies' brains.

Those with depressed levels acted like the rejected males, and those with elevated levels behaved like the mated males.

"What this leads us to think is that the fly brain - and presumably also other animals' and human brains - have some kind of a system to control their level of internal reward, that once the internal reward level is down-regulated it will be followed by behaviour that will restore it back," Dr Shohat-Ophir said.

It is tempting, given that humans share a similar brain chemical, to imagine that NPF drives human behaviour as well.

However, in an accompanying article in Science, Troy Zars of the University of Missouri wrote that "anthropomorphising the results from flies is difficult to suppress, but the relevance to human behaviour is obviously not yet established".

Nevertheless, he suggested that the work linked "a rewarding social interaction with a lasting change in behaviour".

"Identifying the NPF system as critical in this linkage offers exciting prospects for determining the molecular and genetic mechanisms of reward and could potentially influence our understanding of the mechanisms of drugs of abuse."

AFGO!

Thank goodness it's the weekend. As I sat in silence this morning I felt all my bones crunch back into place after a week of being tensed out of place. A metaphor of course. Visually I saw a sort of animation of a skeleton just cracking, readjusting back into position. Phew I can feel some relaxation throughout my body when I stop to allow it.
In between times I am going over in my head all that has happened.
I can't recall Monday at all. Not one single thing about the day. Was it my first day back? I think it was. Bloody hell it seems as if that was two weeks ago? Was it? I really can't work it out. That's the effect of the circumstances during this week.
Well Tuesday. LK and I facilitated the Process Group. Ew yuch I don't even want to start writing the detail it feels so, uhm, so, I can't find a word or words to articulate what it feels like to start going into detail. It feels exhausting and a beating up. I won't go into detail. I hope it make sense without the detail. LK criticised my way of work. I was aware of her annoyance even during the group and I'm certain at some point the clients would be able to pick up on something. She is wildly furious about a lot of things and a lot of the time. I, of course, don't like criticism but can be open to it to find ways to improve and learn. So I felt uncomfortable but as she went on it seemed that it was a criticism that was actually unjust. She said that too much therapy was taking place in the Process Group. I think as the time is going on I'm beginning to see a point. To a larger extent I agree with her in that the group needs to keep moving and the individuals need to be identifying and processing. Often we as therapists step in. Sometimes of course that's necessary to keep the group moving but right now I am feeling uncertain of anything I'm doing. So I need some guidance and suggestions how to not enter into therapy too much and instead keep the group moving by asking more joggers rather than deep questions. I can learn from this and I am willing to learn. However, it's less about the what she is saying but more about how. I felt attacked and picked on. When AW stepped in to make her point she was accused of rescuing me to which AW was quite astounded. There seems to be an attack on me. For the rest of the day (which involved a horrible hospital examination which I want to write about later as well) I went over and over the way I entered into the fray. I was aggressively defensive, which  is a natural default for me. Everything I said she seemed to twist and turn back at me. I kept trying to explain more. I said that I didn't understand what was going on and felt unsafe. She asked me to explain that and when I did she threw more at me. I did step back at that point as AW started speaking. I tried to explain that what she is suggesting is not what we've done because really I didn't want it to change but I realised that she wants things done in a particular way then that's that. I tried to say that I felt unsafe as she has repeatedly said she doesn't want to change anything but does actually want to change lots of things and that's OK but I had hoped she would see what the programme is and what works and then gradually bring in her ideas. I can't remember all the responses but basically everything I aid seemed to be misconstrued as an attack on her. I needed to step back and shut up but I didn't. She asked why I felt unsafe and I said because of this conflicting situation and also that she seemed to listen to clients and was split by their comments. You see I had felt that there were layers of other agendas. The day before (oh yes I remember and it was my first day back) we had spent quite a lot of time with one client who was uncomfortable and I believe may have complained. Rather than bringing whatever was said to the team in an open manner, I think LK sat on that and this was the first opportunity to attack with it rather than discuss. Now a further layer is the pressure on LK to have clients in. As we know PD was the master salesman and there were very few times that we were low in numbers. LK did make a comment in the days before I went on leave about getting worried by the soon to be low numbers of clients. I wonder if she is comparing herself with PD and believe she may have insinuated this by something she said, I can't remember what it was exactly now.
So during this contretemps AW was saying something and suddenly LK interrupted and said that we needed to stop and she was setting a boundary that we needed a break. AW was quite boundaried saying that she was in the middle of saying something and would like to finish and did. We went into the office afterwards and I started to get on with the care notes, quietly and feeling battered. AW left to facilitate the next group and LK started again. I tried saying that I thought there was no solution right now and would like to take it to supervision. She said "I can't wait two weeks because you're not here this afternoon!". I seemed very aggressive in tone and accusational. I said that "no because I'm attending my hospital appointment" trying to remind her that it wasn't because I didn't want to. I feel certain that she has a massive grudge against me. So she wouldn't let go. I tried to just listen but she was attacking and aggressive so I defended. In the end I had to leave. I had only managed to get one note done, so gave her the list of the clients to be completed and left.
I felt dreadful. Absolutely deflated and worn down. Earlier in the morning NL had come into the office, prior to all of this and asked to meet with me.We had arranged an appointment for 12:15 Thurs. He said reassuringly me that there was nothing problematic. Perhaps, he protests too much.
Anyhow I drove off towards Portsmouth and called SH. Oh before I actually left LK had taken a call. I laughed as she had misheard the callers name thinking it was a Claire and started asking her when she had last had a drink. Then I heard her say oh SH. Poor LK wears hearing aids, she is very deaf but I sniggered as I walked out of the office at her complete unmanageability even though it's a disability for her.
I called SH from the car. I needed to speak to someone who knew her and could straighten me out because my natural default is to be the problem. I was already thinking I am useless at my job. Any tentative confidence drained from me instantly. I was questioning everything. Thinking too that actually I AM the problem. I am difficult as an employee and started finding all the evidence to prove that to myself over and over again. I was trying to believe what SH was saying to me down the phone as I explained the events with my twist on things too. Obviously all of my recounting is from my point of view and I can be manipulative by withholding my part of things when I dislike them. My defective behaviour. I tired not to but I know I did. I would like to just be able to take ownership of the whole of me, all the nasty stuff about too. Then it's a complete picture and people I call then for support have the full facts. I need to trust those people and it's clear that I can trust some people. B I can trust, T I can trust, A I can trust. They can hear it and somehow then still hear the issue I'm dealing with and support that with me and then I'm able to look at what I need to do and change. It's a skill to be able to do this. I need to learn it. I can learn by watching others doing it and emulate them. The difficulty needs acknowledging first of all. The horrible situation and how crazy it all sounds. And then to look at what is being handled or the only known way. And see how helpful that way is. Sometimes it's important to be encouraging first of all. Allow that simply to be and leave it at that. Solutions don;t need to be hunted out from the off, there is no urgency. And then maybe later once that trust is established that the situation is understood from the individuals perspective there are ways at looking at the individuals part and what changes can be made.
I used to think that when someone said pray, it was a cop out because they didn't know what else to say. This was because actually I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I would think that I did without really knowing what I meant by it, even to myself, and would even promote the fact that I did but without being able to articulate what that meant or how I turned to God. Because I didn't. But with FA and my sponsor and other FA members, I have been developing that faith. I believe. I believe that everything will be OK and that if I ask for God's help it will be there. I do forget in the heat of the moment to turn to God. I know thought when I do things feel different even if I can't explain what and why and how. They just do. A serenity descends over me and then there is clarity. That is God entering me. So it's not this God image I still can have of a tyrant, raging in the sky watching over and criticising all the wrong-doings. It's not anything physical or humanly shaped. It's not omnipotence in the sense of domineering power. It's a glorious essence of something gentle and loving. It's something ethereal. It feels like it descends over me hence it feels as if it comes from above. Perhaps it starts in the head and that's why there's this white or crown chakra. Open and the spiritual can enter. Or perhaps it's something that sits in the brain somewhere that just needs to be accessed. Who knows. When it descends my heart fills with love and peace and that's from within. So this sense of tapping into God above and then feeling something deep within all makes sense in terms of what is written in the Bible or other religious scriptures. It's how it seems and is too big for words to be able to describe.
People can be fearsome and ferocious. That's how they are. I am beginning to realise that I don't like it because I am afraid of how I will react. I also become unpredictable. I sit and take it, take some more, and a bit more and then explode. So the bully thinks they can bully me and they keep doing it until I explode but then my reaction is so uncontrolled I can bullied some more, made to think I am crazy and a problem. Bullies do this. It's a dynamic that is set up and drives the victim further and further into a hole, believing the bullies taunts because actually that's how the victim reacts, lashing out ineffectively. I can see it very clearly now through observing me experiencing myself.
It's horrible. I don;t need to make accusations of bullying though. I just need to find ways of dealing with this fro a position of faith and gaining my strength through my faith.

An unpredictable rage-aholic! Uncontained, no boundaries. So that's what I am facing. I know this well. My dad was similar. And I found that so ugly that I am damning of myself when I retaliate in my defense in a similar manner. The rage bubbles up out of me and explodes in a fit of incoherent aspersions. That can then be used and thrown back at me. More frustration of not being understood because actually I'm not making sense. I am throwing out ineffective spears to ward off the attack. But they are so fragile they are picked up and thrown back at me but on the way back they seem to have gathered strength, loaded up with the bullies pernicious venom.
I have a very vivid picture in my mind now. So it is also as clear how I can be different. Non-reactionary is the clue. Be aware of that is happening. It will need me to keep putting aside my pride. And as has been suggested with LK I need to keep asking "how do you think I should deal with this?", "what do you think I should say?", "what is the best way forward do you think?". I have been applying this. She has all the power then but in a form of she is getting what she wants, control. Then it's all her decisions, all the way she wants it and it's also all of her responsibility. It is sad as we all took responsibility as a team before. It felt inclusive and equally responsible, trusting too. I am grieving that way and dislike this way. However, it is how it is. I am sure it comes from a place of fear and I pray to God for compassion for this but right now I am tender and need to take care of myself. It's always a tendency that when people say pray for the other person that I start to think that I am responsible for looking after them. I am so codependent and so misunderstanding of the meaning until right now about this praying for people. I have interpreted it to mean that I need to accept what I don't like as me being wrong. Not to that extreme perhaps. Humph! I am not quite sure how to articulate the way I've interpreted this. But it's certainly along the lines of pray for them because they are not wrong which by default would appear that I think I am wrong and they are right. Interesting. I'm not sure how I've taken the meaning of praying for the other person. Also I can think I am praying because I am right. Actually it's neither of those because we are just who we are. For example, the changes LK wants to introduce and is introducing I just don't happen to like. It doesn't mean they are wrong, it's just different. What I see is some chaos ensuing already. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong. It's a consequence of different ways. The way it has been was very rigid. The consequence being that some people could not get supported by us. They fall by the wayside. This way means that there is a loss of stability. I'm not sure which is more important.
Not doing too much therapy in the Process group means that issues won't be raised and processed therapeutically. Instead that will be done in 1:1's I guess. By doing therapy means that there is less opportunity for interaction between the clients, letting them raise their own issues between them without an agenda to delve deeper. So OK let's go with that. Let me learn but I need to learn some more probing ways to keep the groups moving in that way and assess better when to jump in and when to stand back. It's new for me and uncertain grounds. But I can learn. I have to find the humility to ask now. Yuch!
Something else I've realised is that it's such a relief to have witnesses. SH and AW are there and also encountering what seems like a lack of boundaries and uncontained rage. I think they are being attacked in different ways. SH is wise to the splitting and yesterday that was a lesson for me. Not to be splitable. I need to practise consistency. God please can you help to remain consistent. This would be different from my dad and LK too. I am seeing so many likenesses between LK and my dad but also how it is in me too. In my fear I will "hunt with the hounds and run with the hare" as my mum would say. I need to state my belief and then stick by it. I feel bad for having been vociferous about getting extra staff and then when asked directly afraid of others opinions so saying "I don't know" when asked why we needed so many people. Chicken. I was scared so God please can you help me not to do this. This makes it possible for people to get me on side or off side. I just need to be me and have the courage to stick with my convictions. Actually when SH was saying we needed more staff I wasn't entirely sure we did. If I stepped back from doing LK's work and answering phones etc then we could manage the actual therapeutic day busily but manageable. So I wasn't sure of my point I was being vociferous about but stepped in to be protective of SH and against LK. I need to step back, step back, step back.
Check my motives always. Be careful of getting into battles for other people. I need not to do that. I was pleased to step back from that when I noticed SH had been given yet another client. I am not sure LK really knows what she is doing. I think she is out of her depth at the moment, not really understanding how tings have been working. So she is making decisions based on that and it's all a bit of a muddle. Which is why I would have thought she would take time to just see how things are running and ask questions. I can understand that. For me I would want to look like I'm totally capable and would make decisions without getting to know the full story. Sometimes it would be because I can't see the full picture yet. I need time to watch. If ever I need to lead a team I hope I can apply some of these things tat I see now that  value. It means putting aside fears and insecurities, not allowing pride and ego to step in as rescuers from fear and instead embracing everyone as valuable contributors. Listen to people.
Sh reminded me that these behaviours I'm seeing in LK are a sign of my own wellness. I'm finding that difficult to hold on to, confused by judging her behaviours as being wrong. But what I do know that is that I need to trust my feelings. It feels uncomfortable for me. It doesn't mean to say it's all wrong but I prefer someone who is more boundaried, less rigid perhaps, but relaxed because there is stability and serenity. I didn't for instance like the way PD could lash out when tings weren't exactly as he wanted them to be. The rigidity. But he was approachable and could listen to alternatives. Once he formed his opinion about someone's laziness or similar then he was difficult to shift from that especially if he had someone to buy into the gossip element with him. I didn't like that, it seemed unfair even though I have laughed along at times - see my splitability by not standing up for my beliefs. Driven by the fear of being excluded by the bullies and ending up being bullied myself. Gosh it's so ingrained, circular behaviour and beliefs. God I would like to change. Just to be O being me.
I am feeling so tired. I think I have to give myself this morning off. This is all whizzing and whirring and chunking around my head. I so need to study but I need some time out too. God please help me to know how to manage this work, life, study situation.
I feel left out by the study group and at a disadvantage. Perhaps I simply need to see if there are others free at weekends for a potential study group? That's a good idea. Be proactive. Instead of feeling left out open it up for alternatives. Mind you the only time really is Saturdays or Sundays and with 1 1/2 hours fro the AWOL starting on 1st April there won't be much time then for reading. I need more time somehow. How? Times are very difficult it seems.
So anyway, I feel better about behaving in a different way. She hasn't attacked me directly since but did have a quiet discussion with SH on her own trying to say that she knows we all hate her. SH didn't respond to that either way. But was able to say it's the way she's doing things rather than what she's doing.SH did say the same as me, that she doesn't necessarily like or agree with some of the changes but that's OK she can work with it. I love working with SH I will hate it if ever we're not working together. SH could see how battered I am. I feel tense and exhausted through the shear effort of having to be ultra mindful. I'm sure I will settle a little more into changing my ways and knowing that I can't trust LK or indeed NL then I need to be mindful. It will get easier I'm sure of that as change always does. I don't want it to leave me scarred and not trusting generally though. I don't trust and yet am over trusting to being with. Then I get hurt but at least I am open and learn rather than being closed and never learn. I just need to learn to step back and watch and learn through what I see. I don't have anything I need to prove and God please help me to remember that.

As for the hospital - well he scanned me inside and out. Yuch. He said good tings like my ovaries look all OK and this and that was the right shape and size. There were some silences and lots of typing but stupidly I didn't ask if he had found anything untoward. He did say that I had a gall bladder full of gall stones. He pressed in that region and I felt no pain but now I am concerned about that. My mum had her gall bladder removed and I think it was after that her Cancer developed. It's an instinctive sense but strong nonetheless. She was feeling nauseous after eating and had to call the doctor out regularly and I think after removing her gall bladder all of that stopped.So I am assuming the operation was connected. I am also concerned because I have these pains and they seem to find nothing at all. I wonder if something is hidden from view. It's the not knowing that's scary. If they said I had Cancer and it could be removed easily at an early stage then great. However, if it was advanced I would opt out of chemo-therapy. I do not see people enjoy living through that. I suppose I don't know how I'd feel until the time came to actually face that. But right at this moment that is how I do feel. I am wondering if the aches I get in my middle back right hand side are connected with the gall bladder full of gall stones. I asked how that could happen and as he gave various explanations or theories it was easily linked with rapid dieting, i.e anorexia and bulimia and massive overeating and excess fat. A consequence of my food addiction that was probably a vulnerable spot anyway since my mum had something wrong with hers I would think. And she was very overweight, definitely a food addict. Well in my opinion. It was more than simply over eating, she was addicted to many things and sugar, flour and quantity. Just like me! So I feel anxious.
I received a letter from the gynaecologist -
"I have reviewed the histology following your polypectomy and biopsy on 22/02/2012 and I am pleased to report that there was no evidence of any abnormalities. I hope you find this reassuring".

Now I would except the appointment I had had was on the 21st February not the 22nd and also that I still have these pains. I will call my GP on Wednesday and book another appointment. I will enquire about the results of the scans on Tues 13th March and maybe wait for an appointment after these results are in. I am self-caring.

I've decided not to try and study this morning. I just don't feel energised to be able to absorb information. It creates a stress but I need to allow myself some rest time. I have arranged to go shpping and then afterwards meet Abigail for a walk. I will take my lunch of mackerel and beetroot and salad. And I will return this afternoon and complete an hour of studying. This evening I will go to the AA meeting. I need a peaceful weekend and even though I think there's nothing particularly adventurous about this weekend, it's nice that it's an all slow down weekend. Gentle and undulating rather than ragged peaks and steep dales. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, breathe in slooooooowwly aaaaaaand breathe ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut gently.

Bliss
XX

Sempre fidelis

Forever faithful.
I wonder when that crosses a line and becomes an antipode for something so loving and awesome. Foolishly overtrusting or credulous to the point that being forever faithful means getting hurt in some way, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically. Then again when should one stay, or even how to stay, regardless of the aforementioned inflictions? How to keep that absolute faith? Perhaps this is a generally difficult moral question. And what about when it is the question of believing in God. Stay regardless? God will show the way in the end? I get confused.
Perhaps this is an analogy for this confusion but I think a dead man is stuck in his Corner Cottage. I hadn't even realised he was dead until the other day. I saw people, I'm guessing they were family, moving in and out of the pretty little cottage. I got a sense he was watching them but in my heart, or intuition I knew that he was dead. There was a quietness about these people as they went about their business. I wondered if they had been close with what was probably their dad.
I had never spoken to him apart from the odd tip of the head or a "good morning" in passing. I sensed something about him but goodness I sense a lot about a lot of people. Maybe my senses are super alert or maybe I am just paranoid. Who knows?
These people were traipsing in and out of the little cottage doors. Some items were going in the skip. A little brown, plastic rimmed kitchen clock had a notice stuck on it's face saying "please take me". It was leaning against the foot of the skip. Oh I wasn't standing there following every move. I actually passed this activity, as I went to and fro on my walks with LouLou. Oh no I wouldn't be so rude. I felt sad. The mood was sombre in their faces as they went about their duty. And then, after just two days they were gone. Corner Cottage, shut down, empty, a space created by old bricks, stillness, settling dust.
Except was it? He was still there. I knew it. I could feel him looking out through the net curtains. Stuck.
When I saw old Vic for his three times per week early morning lift to work, I enquired what had happened to the man in Corner Cottage. He said in his Hampshire village accent and gruff voice, "Oh he died some time before Christmas". I was rather surprised, I must say, as to I thought I had seen him and tipped a good morning to him. His usual, I can see him in my mind's eye right now, coming out of the little front door, doing something in the little fenced off area, turning round, maybe it was his rubbish bin. There was always something a-pottering being done. I had noticed that his hair had become longer and he looked sort of unkempt as a result. I wondered if he was clean actually. Previous to that I had always thought of him as perhaps rather strict about his appearance. Especially as he paid such attention to his garden. I knew because when the gate to the walled garden was left slightly ajar, I would sneak a look. It was delightfully, perfect. A little secret walled garden, just like the story from my childhood. Perhaps it's the magical memory and association that has created this sense of him still being at home.
But then the next morning, after everything had been finally locked up and just the net curtains left, that was the morning that I suddenly asked him why he was staying. He seemed to be waiting for someone. A son? That's my sense, a son to come home from somewhere. But these seemed silly thoughts, like the bluffing people, or so I cynically thought, standing on stage of the Christian Spiritual Church in Chawton, drawing on the hopeful, vulnerables. "I have a lady called Rose to speak to someone in the audience in this general area. Can anyone take this?". I expect they'll have to start changing the names as the generational changes occur. My grandmother (fathers side was called Rose). And M had once said there's a lady here giving me a rose. I wonder why they say "can anyone take this?" Why don;t they simply ask if this is familiar or does anyone know who this might be. Jargon. We all get caught up in it. It's like a short-cut or a slang yet it creates in-groups and out-groups. Sometimes I don't even understand what's meant at all but stick around long enough and it's possible to get a general gist. But then have I really understood or just think I understand, too shy or lacking in self esteem to actually ask if my interpretation is actually what is meant.
Maybe there is something in it after all as I have had things go across my mind such as the waiting and a son and the name John too. I will ask old Vic what he knows of Corner Cottage man's story.
I know he was a regular attendee at the Church. I think he was heavily involved in responsibilities as when I was bell ringing I would see him tidying and shuffling. That's what it looked like to me anyway. And I think he greeted people into the church for the service too.
I know no more. I noticed this morning that one of the nets has dropped slightly. How could that happen in an empty house? Perhaps someone visited it for the last things. Or maybe estate agents are taking potential buyers in to view it.
He's still there though. There is one room with no curtains. This seems strange to me. Why leave all the others and strip those particular windows completely bare. As I walk by late at night, it's that room I can almost see him looking out from, his face close to the window. It is often filled with the moonlight. The window I mean, not his face because that's not really there, just in my mind's eye. This morning, I felt he was deeper inside, not looking out. I thought he'd perhaps found his way out and away. I stood looking at the front door for quite some time. A little scared really but also compelled to look. I was waiting for LouLou, sniffing and scenting her way slowly, slowly, in a meandering way. So I had an excuse to be standing there. Just looking. And it was also very early so there was not a stir in the village. The sun was still coming up, despite a lie in. I do feel quite pious for early mornings now. I enjoy getting up earlier and going to bed earlier too. I feel as if there's much more of a day. I do feel tired today though as I pushed bedtime further out last night. I was watching a very silly American mini series Homeland. The acting of the woman and her storyline to me seems implausible but then what d I know as I've never worked for the CIA or whichever agency it's meant to be. She a special investigator of sorts. In the opening scenes she was wondering around Iraq, albeit her head covered and walked through hostile streets, unscathed at all. It's just not doing it for me. I will watch I expect to find out what happens to the good actor Daniel Lewis. The intriguing part of the story so far. A British actor being the main part in an American mini series that's hit it pretty big I believe. Now that's an interesting story in itself. And the situation between him and his wife, his return from being held captive for 8 years, the mental scars etc. I think it's all grossly underplayed but Daniel is playing the part well in my opinion.
So maybe that's why I sensed less this morning. Or maybe it's the bi-polarish things in my head slightly stirring and fizzling. ML noticed that I have been feeling very sad for lots of people recently. I am concerned for my neighbour who cannot afford to have his heating on. I feel pretty peeved as having given him food, albeit that I can't eat anymore, and then paying him to clean my car, inside and out, I think he went and spent money on booze. I wonder if he found money in my car too but was decent enough or perhaps too desperate for. If I was truly generous I'd let go of this and be OK with him spending the money on anything he wanted to spend it on. But I was wanting him to buy food and look after his dogs needs. He went out for an entire day leaving his dog at home. I have o idea where he went but it was mean I thought. And if it was having my money in his pocket that took him to booze and away from his responsibility - pah! My good deed back fired on my thinking. Why am I so negative in my thinking. I am glad that I was able to help despite my own poor bank balance. And I need to leave it at that.
I was very sad to hear JH's news. And I wonder how well he will take care of himself.
I was feeling sad for the Big Issue seller yesterday. Irish, homeless, no back teeth. A nice fella really. Down on his luck. I bought a Big Issue from him and then he promptly started telling AM about how beautiful her eyes were. What about me? I have to laugh as that is how low my self esteem is. I want the fella to see the beauty in me too.
I can't remember now who else I've been feeling very sad about. There has been an intensity which I think may be the brain cells and chemicals doing something. Maybe that's why I feel a super sensitivity around Corner Cottage and actually he's not there at all. I prayed this morning for him to be freed. I said to him he was permitted to go and that he didn't need to wait. I know it will all be resolved if he can just let go. Enmeshed, unselfishly devoted but at a cost of being stuck between worlds. I will endeavour to learn more about him. People will think I'm strange perhaps. But in the research perhaps I something will become apparent. Who knows? If there's more to tell I will write in my blog.

Yesterdays FA meeting was great. I hadn't realised that one person hadn't reached 90 days. There was literally B and myself who could share. I chaired the meeting which was a real honour. And I felt able to be myself. Silly at times. I shamed myself at one point thinking I had shamed B who had arrived slightly late. I hadn't thought that at all until after opening my mouth. I will hope to be more mindful.
I am interested to notice how having been given my target weight and later enquiring how it's calculated, i.e. 100 pounds for every 5 foot and then 5 pounds for every inch thereafter = 125 pounds for me, that B seeing me yesterday seems to be questioning the target weight. I didn't ask anything or even say that I feel threatened by her questions. My fear is that having decided on 125 pounds now that she has said it, I don't want to deviate from that. I had been thinking before I knew that target that I was getting close and even felt disappointed that there was so much more to lose. But then it's become about achieving that and how much thinner I will be. I don;t want to stop prior to that weight. I think this is me taking control and a slight anorexic attitude. I had also noticed that during the week off I had been delaying my breakfast until after my walk with LouLou, then a slight further delay by feeding her first. Practical really but my thinking involves stretching out as I may lose more weight and get thinner. Interesting how quickly these thoughts infiltrate. I spoke about it with B this morning. And also the wanting of food last night. I could have taken myself to be but no I insisted that I would stay up late. Already tired and strained from the low self esteem realisation yesterday, plus a painful irritable bowel day but would I listen to my tiredness? No! Instead I wanted to eat the whole time. I didn't make any calls because I thought it was too late. I was reminded this morning that I can call people in the US. I will make some intro calls this afternoon. I called H in OZ already and that was nice to catch up with her. She's been unwell. It was an opportunity to mention that I bumped into ex-client A. In a very busy Waterloo station we came face to face. She seemed to go passed me but I stopped her. Now ethically I'm not certain that was appropriate but I couldn't help myself. She looked as pretty as ever but as large as ever. I wonder if she is still using? I broke my anonymity and said that I was on my way to the FA meeting and perhaps she'd like to try it sometime. I also suggested that she comes along to Aftercare. She was off to meet up with the girls which was a lovely thing to hear as she was a worry with her isolating tendency. I hope she comes to Aftercare. I hope it will be OK to break my anonymity further and suggest FA. I think V will be pissed off at me as she doesn't work on the food addiction bases. She treats it as a disorder. I think there are both as separate things and would love to find a way to research this.
Anyway the meeting was lovely. We had lunch together which as always was pleasant. And then I left on foot heading towards Victoria from Canon Street. I walked along to Fleet Street and then too the number 11 dismounting as he turned off towards Victoria. I then walked through the winding streets to Millbank to meet Am at the Tate Britain.
I enjoyed the exhibition. With a focus on Picasso in Britain and his influence on British art, there were some wonderful pieces of his work and scattered with work by Ben Nicholson, Duncan Grant, Wyndham Lewis, Henry Moore, Francis Bacon Graham Sutherland and David Hockney.
I particularly loved a charcoal sketch of a young man leading a horse. And the watercolour stage costume designs were exquisite. In my opinion he was a truly talented artists with a flair to try on for size many different styles and skills. He was prolific. He was also promiscuous. Why is it women, well women like me are attracted to these arty men who are lovers of women generally and loyal to none? It's not sempre fidelis in their mind. They have a flurry of women at their beckoning and take full advantage. Some people would day how can a man resist? But I say why can't a man resist and remain decent, and honour his commitment. Make no commitment then they don't have to honour it in case something better comes along. Pah!
I was bemused by myself with the street Big Issue seller. There was the Irish twinkle in his eye despite his situation. As I said to B in my deep despair from not being the one to be flirted with even by someone who I am not attracted to for many reasons, in the past I would go all out to get that man's attention. I could easily end up living on the streets or buying into whatever their lifestyle and beliefs were just to be made to feel wanted. Deep inside though I would know I had manipulated it and abandoned all sense of self and soul in the process. So losing the little esteem reserves I had. I have been in many a dark place in quest of that esteem from men. I ask You God to help me to stay safe from the behaviours - thank you God for removing me from the risk today. And please God can you help me to develop my esteem. I know it's changing. AM notices a big change in me already. She couldn't put her finger on exactly what but verbalised it as being more grounded. It was interesting too her telling me how I was disappearing during 2010. She knew I wasn't being entirely open with her and she didn't know if it was to do with JH or SL. But all did not seem well and she felt afraid for me yet powerless to do anything. All she could do was hope that  wold come back to her. I am never sure how much she values me as a friend but actually how can anyone value in the way I want. That is, total commitment that everything will be as it is forever and that I am top importance. That's unhealthy. But I do hope for friendship that means no malicious intent or gossip and that the person in reliable, dependable and will not disappear at the drop of a hat. Is that the saying? Well it's a good one if not.
I notice that the friendship with ML has altered a lot. But with her I do not feel so certain that she's still there regardless of the changes in our lives right now. Some people it matters less. I wonder why it matters more. I think it's good that I care and it matters. I need to learn how t care not to care so much. But I think there is a balance in that, just like the sempre fidelis confusion I have. It's not easy come easy go, people are to be valued and not just tossed away as things get difficult or challenging or changes occur. This is a long way from the man with the gift of the Blarney. I've kissed the Blarney stone. Bet you couldn't tell, as I gut laugh at my quiet demeanour, always.

Picasso
So some pieces of work -
Guernica - only because it's so famous. I saw some sketches of his preparation for this and the poor dying horse with his angular tongue was torturous to look at. The entire thing is quite amazing yet really so pitiful and violent. AB was impressed that it was there, at first questioning that it was. I doubted myself but knew I had seen it. She said if couldn't have been the original version. But it was surely. They wouldn't be showing a copy in the Tate Britain now - come on!

Naked Woman in a Red Chair
This glowed actually. The colours in this image do not come anywhere near the glowing colours of the original. It was mesmerisingly sensual and the glow was her beauty I felt. Or the beauty he saw in her


The watercolours of the costume and scenery design for Diaghilev's ballet The Three Cornered Hat were exquisite ...

The curtain ...

The Chinese Conqueror


The Three Dancers

I loved this by Henry Moore. I wanted to touch it. I'm sure they were carved to be touched. This is how I'd like my bookends to be.

And I really liked this of David Hockney naked reaching gently across to Picasso - the curator had suggested this was a bearing of the soul and thanks from Hockney to Picasso for the influence Picasso had had on him

There was an oil by Ben Nicholson of his lover Barbara Hepworth in a style influenced by Picasso but I cannot find an image of it online. He had scratched the essence of Hepworth into the oil. It was then like a reverse negative of white scratched into black. I was quite delighted by it. I could feel love I think. Perhaps I am just a romantic. And yet the other way round I could feel love from Hepworth for Moore yet her work wasn't there, clearly not so influenced by Picasso.
Others like Bacon and so on, didn't enthral me. It was interesting to see their work there but I didn't linger over them int eh same way.
And of course I loved the Weeping Woman



Until the next time

Bliss
XX

Keeping the faith

I've nearly completed my essay. It's a relief and I am glad that I have stuck with it. I haven't thought withdraw, I truly haven't. Less so than the previous 2 years actually. And I am beginning to accept that I really do need more time to make a point a day in way that is quality-ish essay content. When I try to do it all in a couple of days - well it's pretty much rubbish. This is not so helpful of course with my circumstances when working full time with 25 days annual leave. I am praying to God to show what it is I actually need to do and then praying for patience as I want an answer now. Ideally in the shape of £10,000, so that I can work 4 days per week without dropping any salary too. This might get me through the next 2 years. Oh but also a local job so that petrol costs are reduced and also more time is available from a shorter journey. If is Thy will God. But then I get scared thinking what will the costs be? Not a nice company, no great clinical supervision or worse still none at all, not liking the team of staff, an unpleasant environment, less freedom to be the therapist I am, dreadful company politics (yep they could be worse than they are now), uhmmm and all the costs I haven't considered. God I am full of fears and I pray for faith. That's all I need and then everything is once again OK.

I am meeting with dad this morning. I had offered and we even arranged to meet more locally to him. But he called me back last evening and said we'd meet in my local town. I checked again but he insisted saying that he wanted a change of scenery. We laughed together about him adventuring the world. Who would have thought that I could be so light-hearted with my dad. With the help of B, FA, God and weighed and measured food, I have been changing my attitude. It's remarkable, a miracle. And so healing.
Until that is I start talking about sexual abuse and the cringes in my body when he attempts to kiss me. In my mind I am certain that's it's bigger than it actually is. It being the repulsion developed from memories of past events. But as I talked about it this morning, I could feel my body tense up and disgust spreading through every vein and nerve ending. I must remember this as evidence that it was real. You see when my dad and I are able to get along I start telling myself I've been lying. It took much therapy to get to a point when I could hold on to the strong memories I have. They were inappropriate acts even if not penetrative. I have a sense of penetration as well though but only a sense. I am not sure about that.
But the love versus hatred of the sinister can leave me very confused. No wonder I have been icy with my dad and it's felt as if the only way to keep myself safe was to keep him as far away as possible but with too much fear to have no contact at all. I am glad to have stayed as close as I was able to as I see a way through, which is healing for me. Not for everyone but for me it truly is.
I pray for forgiveness, I pray for him to be free of the sinister element if it's still there and to be free of any bad feelings for anything about his life.
I am aware of his shortcomings and can be accceptant of those without being so icy and distant. I am me and can look after myself without needing to keep him away. I still get hurt when I'm vulnerable and wanting him to repair me. But if I am just me and show up without expectations towards and negative or positive slant, then all will be OK. I would not for example share feelings with him today with an expectation of him understanding and being able to hold them with me. I can share feelings with him but holding them myself. This is a miracle. Don't you think?

I raised the point with B this morning about sexualising feelings and using fantasy. And then how repulsed by myself I can be. The only way not to be repulsed is to withdraw completely, and mostly I intend and have been avoiding sexualising emotions. But also the way in the past has been to completely buy into it and for me as an addict that escalates so very quickly. It's like a growth that infiltrates my system in every way. I can visualise it now. It doesn't follow just one trail either. It infiltrates me completely, affecting self-esteem, the love in me, the fears, my spirit, and distorts my thinking. On a daily basis I need to abstain but I'm scared then I become avoidant as I don't know how to be in the middle. It was the same with food until I was shown how. SLAA isn't showing me how, just what not to do. B says give FA a chance so OK I will despite being ashamed to talk about this with someone who isn't immediately obvious of having done similar things or thought similar ways. There is a sort of permission to speak about these things in SLAA for the very nature of the fellowship. That's why there's AA, NA, FA, GA, WA and over 212 of them, so that identification can be made. This is a little reservation I have about B's insistence on not attending SLAA and only going to AA as there are no local FA's I can go to. Humph! Do you see my irritation too?

OK I need to go an finalise my essay ... I have more to write but will be back

Bliss
XX

When China wakes, it will shake the world

I don't normally forward things on anymore as I know I get tired of emptying my "bin" of the endless amount of STUFF that gets sent through and usually with spams attached I don't doubt. However, this made me think how little I think about the cost of things generally and focus on what seems to be a big expense. Interesting.
And it's funny really because in the last year I have really been getting cncerned about our lack of rain. I was even more concerned to learn that China have been allowed to invest in our water companies. I always forget Napoleon's proper quote about leaving China asleep - found it -  Let China sleep. For when China wakes, it will shake the world.
Like the writers have fictionalised in the past water will be the new oil. Whether we are flooded or in drought. I keep praying for rain and rejoice when it comes. I seem to be against the general wishes of others.
Daily musings over .... happy day to you......


The last bit of this "flyer" (having a brain drain moment and can't think of the right word) made me chuckle .....

Bliss
xx

COMPARING THE PRICE OF PETROL THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK!

Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ........... £10.32 per gallon.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.

Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.

Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.

Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 ........ £178..13 per gallon.

Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 ........... £123.20 per gallon.

Tippex (White out)7 oz £1.39 .......................... £5.42 per gallon.

And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
You don’t even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at ................. (you won’t believe it .... but it is true .......)
£5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.
And
If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, your exhaust will fall off!!

Oppress the masses, sexualise the feelings

Could it be that some people are dyspeptic and like to stay there? Or too afraid to move out from there?
I think in the past I have been dyspeptic.
Actually I came across this word and wanted to use it. I would like to be able to have a better recall of information that trough my life has seeped into my neural pathways but then goes. Where does it go? Does it actually just disappear, gone forever? Or does it get buried or dropped into pits in the brain and overlooked.
I had a half wake half asleep dream. LouLou was playing with a baby badger. They were friends, walking along the street together. The badger kept rolling over in play with LouLou nosing it in play too. This was after having been woken by something around 3.50 am. I then thought I couldn't get to sleep, turning over ideas for my ever going essay and also worrying about time versus increasingly difficult finances. It is getting too costly to live. I am not sure how I can go forward. This Government is screwing me to the hilt. And I am not in as bad a situation as others. My neighbour for example, unwell, unable to work but benefits mean that he can not benefit from heating or food other than soup and bread. I gave him all the foods I can no longer eat. And I paid him to valet my car. He checked the oil and water levels and warned me that I need anti-freeze and windscreen wash soap. I will get that but I can't actually afford it already this month and it's only the 8th March. There is no way I can afford to work part time and yet this full time work and long journey to/from work takes any energy I have for my studying. The way I study means I need time. I am not a fast absorber of information nor able to regurgitate it with ease.
Please God show me what I need to do. I do realise I cold drop the studying and focus on more work and develop a private practice but the studying can give me the qualification needed to create a security for people - it's what people expect and also then I can have better regard from within the field of work. Education is the way for everyone t self betterment and yet this Government are making it harder to attain. Keep the masses in order - I do not like this Governments policy. I know Labour were building huge debts but at least by creating a societal equality of sorts ( and don't get me wrong I saw the growing divide under another guise) - actually lets change that and say that my ideal would be that there is a social service that is used by all. No need for private medical and educational services. The public services could be so good, creating opportunity for everyone. Apparently Denmark have high taxes but wonderful provisions, which means there is not so much to have to pay out from personal income. Smaller population perhaps? And Norway of course is very much a smaller population and a country wealthy in oil and ores so have a lot of export income. However, this system we have is wealth for the wealthy and the less wealthy get poorer. It's HORRID!
I get scared but have to keep bringing God int this. I will be OK whatever happens. Even if the world were to come to an end this evening I will be OK. It will be the end.

This though is not the end of my Blog. Oh no. I've made some more good points in my essay this morning but probably need to explain a little more the point I'm making. And I have one more point to get down and expand upon. Oh and the conclusion. The point I need to make is about object-based attention and I'm not sure what I want to say. I still feel ashamed that I have needed an extension. And how much time out I have to take to assimilate ideas. It's evidence to me that taking in the topics int he first place is not thorough. I like the creating of time lines and keep track of all theorists with their theories and experiments. That all takes time - I need time

Please God show me what is the right thing to do.
I calculated at the current rate of pay if I were to work 4 days per week full time I would need to find another £5000. This year and next - and next year probably would require more with the increases occurring every week. Help me God - is this the direction? Should I be continuing with my studying or give up this stress despite loving learning. It's not the feeling of running from it I had in 2010. No this is wondering what is the best thing to do. If I continue I will need to time to do myself justice or just do the best I can under the circumstances and not like the partial learning. Or give up and concentrate on developing my work skills. How I do that I don't know. I feel a little stuck and I really don't like being stuck in a job. It feels like prison and can cause stress.
So I know God there is a way forward. Please can you show me what it is for my best and other best interest.
I feel certain you will but I get that sort of anticipatory impatience. Perhaps the lesson is simply patience. All in Your time not mine huh?

Right a call to my dad I think. Why not?

Oh before I do, two other things that have shown up. Yesterday meeting was disappointing. I am asking what it is I go for. Noone speaks about recoevery, it's more like a group therpay session withe veryone talking about what's wrong. There is positive speak as well of course. But somehow it doesn't feel like there is one common purpose. No. I liked the sharing from the lady who spoke about ehr recent relapse, mainly because it was focused, despite being about her relapse. I think I need to change my meeting. Actually I know I need to change my meeting.
And also having read "littlegirlyone" I became focused on current bottom-line behaviour although not formally agreed with a sponsor. I had known I needed to move away from contact with inappropriate me. JC after all was married and I amongst others were secret contacts. That's not OK for me. I'm not judging the act of anyone else, just the way that erodes at my trust in others and my own self-esteem for allowing that to happen to me. And then reading littlegirlyone talking about how masturbation is hers. As if I have a right I started thinking a lot about it but this comes with fantasy for me. I engaged and feel displeased with this act. This maybe too much information for some, I apologise but my Blog does warn of explicit discussion and believe me this is tame if you haven't read earlier entries. And others may think it's very extreme to not engage with such acts. However, I am an addict and I know where this can take me. I feel such freedom from fantasy and sexual acting out. Instead of acting out I can work through the feelings that I might have sexualised. I think I seualised anxiety and fear. I am more aware. I need to speak to my sponsor about this but feel very scared to do so. I will approach the matter with her when I see her on Saturday. I think it might be easier face to face. I will see if she has a little time to speak privately.
Interestingly the sex industry is the bigest on the Internet as well as elsewhere. Politically it's another way of keeping a control on the people. Keep them sexualising life and they will be in control. Foolish us. Politicians though are captured by their on demise. Justice is had.
Yipppppeeee I will be at FA on Saturday even though most of the "faces" won't be there as they will be at S's wedding. I wish her well God.

Now a phone call and then back to the essay. I could easily sit back from it and do something else instead. But I want to give it a go - only 600 more words to write I think

Bliss
XX

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom

A much posted quote I believe .... Anais Nin.
An erotic writer of French-Cuban origin. It seems I need to read some of her work. She published her journals. I guess it's common practise. Mine are published here for people to read.
Interestingly I was reading http://littlegirlyone.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/rage-and-ds-and-me-part-2/
and this is my reply to her blog entry "I wonder if perhaps there is no box anymore. And further to Robert’s comment “the first step to knowing is admitting you don’t know”, I think this can often be the most emotionally challenging, even painful. The next step surely must be the conscious discovery and putting into action new ways.
I was reminded recently (and indeed wrote some thoughts on this on my own Blog)
unconsciously incompetent
consciously incompetent
consciously competent
unconscioulsy competent
I see these of phases we go through as we walk along our trajectory of living. Interactions with people help me to become conscious of my incompetency (use the meaning lightly) and also I am drawn towards different “competencies” and can get help from those already practising them to show me. Sometimes deeper forces draw me more towards one style of competency rather than another and this is how I learn and grow. Sometimes the learning is painful simply because it’s not a healthy choice for me, sometimes it is painful because it challenges and it’s not easy to take the sacrifices.
With my shift from M/s, it’s given me a different type of experience. I have let go of masturbation as I know this has a powerful draw away from experiencing in the moment. I have a lot more to write on this matter but I’m deviating away from academia. I will write more on my own Blog when the time presents itself.
I’m glad you’re still writing here of your shifts …. I hope to be able to continue following you along your journey"
Ss she is making new discoveries and it was she who brought this to my attention.
She was writing about perhaps needing to change her Blog to be more in line with the changing her. I considered this too as changes occurred in me during the latter part of 2010 and early part of 2011. They were major changes away from a period of experimenting with my sexuality. It was a time of discovery and some things that are embarrassing to allow others to read unless specifically understanding through their own experiences of the practises I indulged in. However, I decided that it was too much a part of me to abandon. It was a part of my evolving self and will always now remain a part of that development. This is me - complete with a lifetime thus far of experiences. Paths that have taught me of things that I'm attuned to and other experiences that teach me to move away from them for various reasons. This does not mean that of course ways of life can not be re-visited but for the current time there are past situations and experiences that I do not wish to return to. Some of them are very compelling such as addiction and with active addiction comes certain behaviours and attitudes that have led me into situations. They can all come hand in hand. Right now I am feeling so free as a result of curbing addictive behaviours, those anyway that I'm conscious of, and I do not wish to return. So that means other behaviours and beliefs have gone too.
So I maintain this Blog as a journal - it's a trajectory and every part of it matters.

I need right now to get back to my essay before I lose the thread of the point I'm wanting to make. So far I make a point a day and I have two major points to make. I feel tired of it already this morning. Perhaps I just put together the info for the points and prepare to write it up tomorrow.
Seems disappointing as I wanted really to have it completed at least in first draft today. It also scares me as really I know I need a week per essay and work restricts that.
I will break again and complete the CRB form. A little action towards finding a better paid, fewer hours, more local job. If that's Thy will God.

To be continued .....

Bliss
X