Wearing the warring

Thank goodness for lieu time. Yesterday was a whole day off and unwinding was taking place. The wearing down that goes on in the place of work at this time is literally draining of energy. It's horrible. A shouting match between LK and AW, chaos and mismanagement. It's exhausting. And inconsistency is wearing too. I never really know what the procedures are and I just think OH OK that's the track she's taking with this particular issue. So I start to follow that track and suddenly it's as if she's tricked me into thinking that's the route to follow and she now literally does a complete turnaround. As a consequence I look incompetent and she comes out all smelling of roses. It's crazy making.
So to get out of the office is just heaven. Thank you God for that extra day.
BUT my heart wasn't in to finding a job, as in any old job. I've got this feeling of working for someone that provides a sense of free flowing. Someone who respects me although expects a good job to be done. Someone who is tolerant of my way including my imperfections, but that sort of thing can all be out in the open. Being out in the open seems appealing too but not all the time, the freedom to have both. And the freedom to take a bit of personal time in the knowledge that all the work will be done and free time not taken advantage of. I liked the idea of my clients work. A farm, someone to be the face of the business, so developing and maintaining contacts, without me having to be the main name. Some office work, some outside, some travelling about, some quiet, some people involved. And there;s a house along with the job. No travelling to work, it's right there on the spot. And reasonable reimbursement for costs, respectful salary and perks like free time. Yes it all sounds on the surface of it just what I'd like. It's this sense of freedom, trust to be free roaming. Time to work and time for me.
Anyway as I looked at websites I realised that nothing there seemed to offer this. Furthermore, saying to a recruitment agent that I want something that feels light and free, well I'm sure they are completely baffled by that.
So I did get to the housing support people. She was very gentle and listened to me. She gave me a form to fill in that may mean my points are raised with a  view to getting accommodation closer to the B's. Is that what I want? I think it's what I want. I like this little village but I don't like being so far away from everyone. Everyone who or far away from what I don't really know. It just has never actually felt right here.
Something I had a glimpse of actually feeling rather than intellectualising is the knowledge that I am not trapped at work or home. I'm simply waiting for the next right thing to reveal itself. I didn't know I was waiting regarding work over the last 3 years. I was enjoying what I had even though I had moans and groans. Things can always be improved even when they're good. But now the situation is awful for me, I'm waiting for something else to manifest. I did do some things productively, like starting the resume for the Natural Health Centre, Kingston. And the meeting with the housing lady. I booked a hair cut for today, I spoke with my tutor, I relaxed, I bought some supplements that might help the pains in my side - i.e. colon cleansing, magnesium and lecithin which allegedly can help breakdown the gall stones. I forgot to take the colon cleansing tablets at bedtime. But just the first dose of magnesium and lecithin and I did feel things moving about as I sat listening during the AA meeting last evening. And what a lovely, interesting share. C is one of those people that I sense an avoidance of people. An anger I detect. And yet she is someone I'd like to get to like me. There's that addict/avoidant dynamic I think. It became clearer only when she said that she finds being with people difficult. And I could sense a detached approach. It's not dissimilar to that of a friend of mine. Oddly enough AM who says she's avoidant seems so much more an addict who is controlling that through detachment. There seems to be a difference slightly. There are similarities but different. There are similarities between addict and avoidant too - the end result is a lack of intimacy.
Anyway I did listen with interest and wanted to know more. She told things in such a way that there was enough detail to be really personal. I am far too general to keep people out!
To something quite amazing this morning. I received a call from an FA lady who ha recently become aware of her own abuse from the past. I feel very sad that this has happened to her. It is simply awful that this has happened. And I can relate to that awfulness. The amazing thing is tough that she spoke with me. Me who has been insensitive to people and on a trail of self and hedonism. She spoke to me and was quite open to the extent of her own awareness at this point. But even more amazing is the fact that just recently I have heard myself self slipping into self doubt. And yet I spoke about things, very matter of factly in away for self protection, and also said things I've never actually said before, repeating words that were said at the time. Yuch! But also not re-traumatising, simply the way it was. I was steady in what I was saying and it all made it solid again. I spoke about the time in my therapy session when I first verbalised the need to stay absolutely still and not even breathe as even that movement felt unsafe. I can't remember what had been spoken about, that's almost immaterial. Because I expressed to SC that I wanted to stay absolutely still and quiet. I only felt safe if I did that, as if the slightest movement of sound was risky for me. He asked me when I've felt that before. I didn't think I had. Until at home I was pondering his question. I recall absolutely sitting at my desk looking out over the hill and suddenly I went into breathing spasms as I remember needed to lie absolutely still in bed with my dad. He would be cuddling me from behind and I would lie really, really still because he was rubbing himself against me. I knew something was wrong but at that time about 7 or 8 I didn't know what. Mum was downstairs making tea. I don't know if it happened once or more times but lying absolutely still was essential. And I used to do that in y own bed too. The crack in the open door was a problem for me but I couldn't get out of bed because if I moved or put my foot on the floor to close the door something terrible would happen. And also the door being closed meant that I couldn't hear my mum and she couldn't hear me. I'm holding my breath as I'm typing this. There are times when I think "well all kids have scary feelings in their bedroom". I hear kids talk about being scared of what's under the bed and it's probably something to do with the kids stories that are told and re-told. Bogeymen and the such like, which actually are frighteners that can be long lasting and devastating. Such weird ways we adults have of trying to keep order about the place.
I talked about the time my mum was in Australia and my dad touched my body. I was about 13 years old and just starting to develop breasts. He took advantage when I said that his tickles made a reaction in my bottom. I used to think I was disgusting because of this. That I was the filth. IN fact he was and should never ever have been doing what he was doing. I was told not to tell mum. He knew it was wrong.
Yes I spoke about and have now written too about these things for the first time, in the way that they happened. The memory as if watching from above. I was out of body watching my dad fiddling with me. I hate that word fiddling because my dad would use it. And then there's the tongue thing. I cannot really describe this thing he did with his tongue and his snorting. It was disgusting and then Graham Whelan did that too. I write his name in full so that if ever there is anyone trying to search for him because of him doing awful things to them there might be a tie up. I hope he cannot trace me through this though. That would be very terrifying.
And as I was speaking with this lady I knew that I feel fragile, that I will need to be gentle with myself. I explained the need to wrap up in my bigly hugly snuggle jumper and blanket. And writing has helped. So now I can go forth for a walk with LL knowing that I am OK but to be gentle.
What a gift this phone call. How amazing FA is. I thank B for supporting me in things that  wouldn't normally be doing, such as developing the relationship between myself and my dad. He's becoming simply my dad. That's the way he is. I don't like a lot about him. But he's still my dad and that's that forever.

I knew there was something I wanted to also write about in connection with FA. It was always my intention to find the courage to detach from my dad all together. But various tings kept me from doing this. These are not in any particular order of importance or salience. He is my dad and there is a lot of me that loves some of him. I want that family connection with him. I have been afraid that I've lied about the abuse even though I know that I haven't been lying. He's not all bad. I want to have access to an inheritance. I am afraid of making a mistake.
So all along it's been the wrong thing to do and thankfully my fear has stopped me from disconnecting entirely. However, my fury has actually increased the divide and for that I feel remorse. I didn;t know any other way though and thankfully with therapy to help me with that rage and resentment I've been able to then go along a diffrent path with the suggestions from B. Her suggestion to increase contact and make regular calls infuriated me. At first I wanted to scream and spit at her, saying are you not acknowledging what he did to me. I didn't say that exactly. The belief of the truth has been so tentative, there are times when I can only believe it if I seem to have convinced others of the horrors. It's not possible for me to realise that it was bad enough without others have to be the truth. That applies to many things. The situation at work, I didn't realise that it was a form of bullying and crazy-making behaviour. I thought I was in te wrong and it's only become OK to think it's wrong for me knowing that others feel the same way. It's similar with Graham Whelan. it was only when I told of the events and saw others reactions that I realised that it was bad behaviour on his part not and I wasn't the bad person. And the same with my dad. Sometimes I thought I had to embellish the events so that they were bad enough for people to react. But then I didn't believe them or me and it simply added to the disbelief within me about what I had experienced. So convoluted and complex.
Anyhow, this morning, being honest, not exaggerating and being more explicit, helped me. And the person saying that it's always surprising that FA seems to go in completely the opposite direction of what Iw ould have thought needed to happen, this made me realise that I've done the opposite of what I was intending to do and it's so much better for me. Incroyable!

And on another FA note - I am now having grains or potatoes with my lunch - 4 ounces. The first couple of days I felt like I had too much food. It was difficult to trudge through it. I didn't have the same problem yesterday I noticed. So my body is adjusting really quickly. I am scared that by having this extra food, I'll start increasing weight and size. However as has been developing, I am trusting the process. I felt that my tummy rounded out the first couple of days. Coupled with an difficulty to properly open my bowels, which apparently is the polite and professional way in which to talk about going for a poo. :), I felt bloated, full up and rounded. It was a worry. I mentioned it to B with the knowledge that I am sticking with it regardless. She said I can have potatoes instead of rice but I am scared of that too. Today I will have my first baked potato. Just 4 ounces so it won't be a whole potato. I'm looking forward to it and imagining the taste. I am concerned that this might be a "relationship" with a food type, so I'm going to linit the potatoes to once a week, just at the weekends when home. Then I can have them warm instead of cold - cold new Jersey pots are delicious but today I feel loike warm food. It is probably something to do with the everlasting dampness. Although yesterday afternoon brightened, no rain and some blue skies with fluffy white clouds. So my meals look like this now: Oh I reached my target weight - I discovered this on Tuesday when I had weighed myself early by accident. I'm now under 9 stone, around 8st 9lbs.

Breakfast
1 oz oats
8 oz natural fat free yoghurt
1 piece of fruit

Lunch
4 oz protein
6 oz 1 cooked vegetable
6 oz salad
4 oz rice/potato (want to know if I can eat quinoa)
1 tbsp dressing

Dinner
4 oz protein
6 oz 1 cooked vegetable
8 oz salad
2 tbsp dressing

I have established that it's a suggestion not to eat avocado or sweet potatoe. I can eat tinned tuna in brine but bloody hell it's so so expensive now. That used to be a cheap meal. Not now!
As for wating an Indian style meal B suggests not to. I think it might be different if I have a meal at home. But there is the difficulty of ensuring it's not cooked with any flour or sugar. I can understand that I'm looking to introduce more tastes and variety and it's a part of the simplicity has been the dumbing down of the tastes and I don't mean that in a negative sense. Simplifying the tastes t be natural tastes, not even salt although pepper is allowed. I might try adding some pepper as I haven't actually bothered. But then I rarely bothered with salt and pepper before this. I would cook with herbs and spices but not add for taste at the actually eating point.
It's interesting that I've been thinking of adding things into my menu's when actually it's about coninuing with the simplicity, well that's not all of it but contributes to keeping things stabilised.
Off to walk. Then back to studying. Haircut at 12 midday. Hopefully I've got a higher pay through the extra work I've been doing. I so need it. I spent about £100 just yesterday on some sprays and things to kill the clothes moths which continue to infest, some health supplements, birthday cards and and a blouse plus 2 charity shop articles - a skirt and a shirt. Yes it would be maybe even over £100. Flipping heck, my money does not go anywhere these days. Everything is so expensive. It won't come down in price and my salary won't be catching up ever if I'm with the P Group. It's unreasonable salary now. That's what they pay but I think I'm grossly underpaid. Not to mention their lack of staff welfare and deelopment. It's not a good company to work for in terms of self. It's a nice environment i.e. the grounds. But adding to the lack of company-level care is the horrid Team Leader situation, plus a lack of constructive management and ability. I wonder if PS will be any better equipped at hearing me without judging and damning and be able to manage the situation effectively. NL and LK are in cahoots and noone will be seeing that. He needed an ally so desperately, so has she and they were a prefectly matched jagged edge. It's amazing how jagged edges come together and seem to fit so perfectly until things shift and then the points start to clash and destroy each other. It's just staying out of the cross-fire of that although it seems that all the carnage is occurring right now as they are so tightly enmeshed. It would be different if the jagged edges are clashing.

 Knifes' Edge by Kasia Polkowska (Stained glass mosaic on wood) http://kiplandscapes.blogspot.co.uk/

As always I'd like to possess this piece of work because it's meaningful for me right at this moment. I often have that- a piece of work seems to get right inside me and I want it. I've seen so many art works that I want to steal and possess. So many that I've forgotten adn that's a part of it. When something has struck me so deeply and then to forget it is like losing a bit of me that I just found. It's so awful for that to come with such passion and then fade into forgetfulness. If I could just keep the art then I'll never forget you see.

In the meantime God if you've got any thoughts on this free flowing job that could be out there, I'd be interested to know what it is. Work that helps my heart to sing and my spirit to be free please. I trust it's possible and will become apparent. In the meantime I'll keep showing up knowing that actually my spirit is free and no person can take that from me however difficult they make things.
LL wants a walk - she keeps tipping over my laptop.
Gotta go.
Bliss
XX

ps I will edit this later with some of what I can remember from the AA story. Just so that there's more personality than fact.

C's story - when really I should be studying but I'm leaving in about 20 minutes to get my haircut. Yipppppeeeee!
I can't remember the order of her story. I know told about her past and drinking as a secondary it really. I felt angry with her husband as she talked about him. A womaniser but then he left her because of her drinking. It struck me how this man was so lacking in being enough for her. Yes her drinking was probably terrible and by the sounds of it she wasn't available to either him nor their son, as her son left the family home not long after her husband. But he worked with the airlines and womanised. His own behaviour was also not above board and he took the cowards way out. Not standing by her but following his own needs. I am in now way letting her off the hook. I'm sure her fury at her husband was a vitiolic when she had been drinking as she said it was. And then her craziness when his womanising was with a woman in their village. A place she had lived for 3 decades. She upped sticks and moved the family to a remote cottage. But when she described the lifestyle, animals and land. She gave up work and concentrated on looking after the animals b ut it was at this time she met a lady, who she befriended, and it sounded as if this lady showed C how to drink as an alcoholic. Then she became difficult to be with. She completely owned this. So her lack of self esteem and trust would have beceome quite another thing with alcohol fuelling it. No control. Yes I can imagine her expelling her anger and hurt. I think I sense that anger though as something deeper, as there is the tendency to be detached from feelings and people. Of course people bring emotional responses. I lvoed that she talked about feelings and not really knowing what they are all the time. She found a list of over 200 words to describe feelings. Actually this was the first part of her share, when she was saying that she feels a bit out of sorts. I got the impression she's been in recovery a similar time to myself. I wanted to share and forgot to share that there are times when I'm so in the depths of things that I cannot determine the different levels of emotions that are going on. And I'm the sort of person who wants to know exactly otherewise I feel out of control. And that's where I need to hand everything over to the care of God. This wasn't what my share ended up being about.
She talked also about being grouchy with a neighbour just that day or day the before, I'm not sure. And how in her reflection of herself she realised that this was a sign of her restelessness, irritability, discontent. When those feelings are identifiable there's a need to really turn to God and recovery tools - i.e. meetings, calling out, sharing, reading and so on. I cannot afford those feelings. But first of all I have become aware of them. Generally I then spend time agonising about all the things that it could possibly be, trying to get it all worked out. This can mean that it gets worse of course because I decide to do things that are motivated by the feelings. It's so crucial to share and be vulnerable. My thinking then is that people will start telling me what to do and fix me instead of simply hearing me. They may also tell me to do things I don't want to be told to do. There's such a fine line with this sort of support and yet there is this pride and ambivalence in me. I often find myself wondering what is this that has been triggered in me. So far I don't recall anyone sharing back on the topic that has his a chord with me. It's something quite big insie of me - someone says black I immediately want white. It's some kind of defense gainst being taken over. I wonder if this is codependency with my mum. My own desires being overruled all the time. I do feel as if something inside of me wasn't nurtured - creativity and a feeling of freedom. Overruled! I think this is a part of it. It doesn't seem to quite answer the enormity of my reaction. Something to give to consideration in quiet time - which I'm not really sitting in. I keep doing other stuff.
Hmm not much about C and her story. But some main things I can recall. I liked her despite my feeling of wanting to be acknoiwledged and accepted and suddenly befriended by her. She is aloof and that makes me want her more. So remins me of my friend - not in looks etc but in attitude and behaviour. I wonder if she knows of this dynamic from me?

Right off to have a haircut. I never realised that something I used to ahte could be something I am so looking forward to. Not the sitting etc and environment but the act of having my haircut. Lovely

Bx

The Man He Killed

The Man He Killed

Had he and I but met
By some old ancient inn,
We should have set us down to wet
Right many a nipperkin!

But ranged as infantry,
And staring face to face,
I shot at him as he at me,
And killed him in his place.

I shot him dead because--
Because he was my foe,
Just so: my foe of course he was;
That's clear enough; although

He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
Off-hand like--just as I--
Was out of work--had sold his traps--
No other reason why.

Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is,
Or help to half a crown.

Thomas Hardy

How utterly straight forward this is. I like it. The futility of the entire thing captured in a moments thought. I find wars strange. If these people sat next to each other and chatted about life and thigns they might not agree on everything but they could surely not kill each other for disagreeing on a way of living. But that's what they do. All in the name of fighting for their country. If every soldier just said "No!", then it would all be over and then some real humanity could take place.

It makes no sense at all other than greed and all in God's name most of the time. Crazy, crazy world.

I like Thomas' directness - it's almost humourous apart from it's seriousness

Bliss

XX

Step 10

What a lovely call I received this afternoon, from G (FA). He didn't recall having called me before but that's totally OK. He described how he was relaxing wth his legs up, with the football on, the phone list opne and something else as well that I can't remember. It sounded all very loving and peaceful. I was inspired by his apparent serenity and approach to his creativity. He's in his 7th week of The Artists Way.
I liked his thoughts on completing Step 10 every day. I'm not there within FA, still reading the keys or tools up to number 5 today (not Step 5 to differentiate). But he asks himself a series of questions
Have I been honest today? Any areas that I haven't been honest?
Have I been selfish today?
Have I developed any resentments today?
Do I need to say sorry to anyone today?
What fears have I had today? How has my behaviour been affected by these fears?

Then he said he has started asking of hiself how he feels about these questions. Taking it one step further than short sharp answers.
I always liked how L suggested I think fo 3 things that went well during my day and 3 things I'd like to do differently and how I would do that.

Well there is a dishonesty I have that I really can't share publicly - well it's about downloading - and so at the risk of being caught it's something that's contantly on my mind as dishonest and not acceptable. But I'm so unwilling to give this up.
Have I been selfish today? Well mainly I've been by myself. I tried calling my dad. I spoke with a couple of FA people. I've contacted M and went to collect my purse from AB.
Oh I recognised my intolerance of 2 others I spoke with earlier. I tried not to be selfish and listen instead and show interest or gratefully receive suggestions. I am hoping my sharpness wasn't detected as that would be the selfishness creeping through.
Any resentments? Yes well with the second person telling me what I needed to do wthout having really listened to what was important to me. My realisation. I think I've managed to let it go. However, I think it's there slightly each time I speak with her. There is an art in truly listening and hearing. So yes I think I have a resentment from today. I'm glad to realise it so that I can ask God to help me let it go.
I have a huge resentment with LK. And I am praying just as hugely for the resentment to be lifted from me. My part in all of this - well I think I'm holding on too tightly and thre's so much fear ot the changes and not being confident or competent. I also don;t know how to manage myself within the boundary-less situation now. It's confusing and I feel deskilled as well as uncertain. So then I feel the fear. It manifests through me as controlling. I pray to be able to go with the flow, maintain my boundaries and not need to kick against the rigidity. Please God help me to be friendly and flexible and loving.
I have fear about my finances and yes that has caused me to feel in need of escaping today. I am resnetful with myself for being lazy and avoiding my stidying. A whole day.
Do I need to make any amends today? I'm really not sure. Amends to myself perhaps. It's easier of course to not engage with too many people. I have been slow today and not cleaned my flat although at least have got through some of my clothes washing. I got petrol and did a food shop. I haven't done some important admin work. Yes there are a number of things that are left unattended to which is not necessarily self caring. At the same time I'm tired, which seems to be a permanent state right now. I've not felt this drained for many months. I do wonder if it's viral and hormonal. There has been the pulling feelilng in my tummy and breathlessness. Well now I come to think of it yes those things are there alongside the flaring or intolerance today. It's quite possible that there are some hormonal shifts occurring but less noticeably than before because I am not carrying all the weight as well. Hmmm interesting thought. So I need to be gentle with myself.

Observing myself - these four things I need to watch - dishonesty, selfishness, resentment and fear.
I am quick to feel resentful I think. Please God help me to remove this and be more gracious and gentle with myself and the world around me. More accepting of people, places and things. If it is your will.

Bliss
XX

Acceptability of the changeability

Live and let live
How appropriate when I sit in criticism of LK and want people to do things differently to suit me. I need to understand others are where they are rather than where I want them to be. My trouble is I'm not sure and get anxious about being able to remain me whilst living and let live. When is something someone else does not appropriate. I'm not in a charge to decide what is right or wrong but I would like to know when someone is doing something that directly impacts on my values and principles, then how do I assert my boundaries.

Easy does it
I'm a very edgy type, intense. I had had to learn to be super aware, super vigilant to survive so I see where it comes from and what unmanageability my typical characteristics can bring. My meeting today reminded me of the tool - easy does it. This helps me deal with my utter panic with life situations arise that tip into my edginess and intensity.
I am a person of extremes - all or nothing. This key or tool can help me lean towards balance more and more. Easy does it, one step at a time. Just do one little bit and then another, without trying to resolve everything right now!  Inch by inch, it's a cinch. Mile by mile it's a trial.
Wear life like a loose garment rather than a tight horse-hair shirt.
I need to learn how to stay unruffled emotionally. I am an addict and and this edgy type so can't afford to get ruffled and this tool can help me - I'd like to bring it into my daily life more often.
My mums motto was do it perfectly or not at all.

I wonder if I use these tools without realising it?

Interestingly, I had two phone calls with two people from fellowship. I could feel my intolerance mounting with both of them. The first person, it seemed easier to stop and apply live and let live and instead of being intolerant to their circumstances, I changed and asked questions appropriate to what they were telling me. I learnt a little more. And then the second person, well this was more to do with being told what I need to do. It's so irritating to me. As if I don't know!! I've noticed it with this person before. I can hear the therapist being practised on me and I get irritated. Fellowship is more about sharing experiences rather than telling as if from a position of authority and the other person doesn't know. I can hear my ego though. with this person in the past, I've acknowledged to them that they have had a good idea. And there is always something I can take away with me. But this time, she didn't hear me a tall. all I wanted to say was how pleased I was to have become self aware. I didn't need telling how to handle things. However, I did hear that probably the fact that I could not get through to the USA conference call number meaning that I reverted to using my mobile phone has caused me some anxiety. I was really pissed off when she said that what's a £100 for a call. It's a flipping lot of money to me. Every single penny spent is a lot of money to me and I'm hemorrhaging money at the moment. Whilst it was so ridiculously cheap for me to go to Spain as my friends bought my tickets and supplied me with the food I needed, I still spent on presents. Money I cannot afford to be spending. But I was relieved for the break away. I feel so fraught around money at the moment. And the next moment I trust that it will all be OK at some point. I am hoping the extra hours I've done will help sort out my account next month and even the month after that too. If I can find more local work that will help reduce my outgoings. That's the worryingly increasing cost - fuel! £144 per litre now. That's just crazy money. It wasn't any cheaper in Spain either.
So yes back to this call. The other helpful thing was the phone cared. Apparently it is possible to buy a phonecard and then calls are already paid for. Is this like a pay-as-you-go scenario? I will check with the post office or supermarket. At least if I can get a card for next Sunday then I can worry less about my landline not supporting my call. I can then reduce my package with BT again and resort to not using the silly landline. The phone runs out of battery almost instantly now anyway. I need a new phone unit really but as I barely use the landline it seems silly to waste yet more money on that. A phonecard seems to be more reasonable. I will have time hopefully to sort this out on Friday.
So yes this irritation I have - it reminds me always of B. How she goes into instruction mode without any thought that I might already know things. There are some people who do this. What I was actually saying was that I'd seen a man with a couple of tins of crisps. Immediately I wanted them. Thankfully talking with others with some experience it came to me to ask what it was I wanted to get from them. I played the pictures through my mind as it was immediately apparent. I saw myself chomping away mindlessly on them, one after another. I could all but actually taste them, the memory of the taste even with me now as I am writing about the scenario in my thoughts. So lying on the settee, watching interesting or mindless films or one after another of a series. Chomping, chomping, chomping. Actually he had only 1 tin, but I would have had a bag full of binge type foods or "open and eat" things as I would call them. And the effect I was after was to mong-out or get away from everything. Get away from the studying I need to do and still haven't done. Well it's actually a report I need to write. What if I don't hand it in? Then I could get on with the next load of reading. However I will have that sense of failure to manage as well.
So yes it was a nee to escape responsibilities. Then E started going on about needing to take quiet time etc. All good stuff for her circumstances but not actually hearing my own. I felt like it was her need to feel useful rather than actually hearing me. Yes that's it. And it's irritating. What was more useful, and I tried to stay listening was when she shared her own experience. The need to sit down and do a short burst of studying, making it bite-size and chunked into smaller more do-able sessions.
How to live and let live you see when someone is crossing my boundary. I felt so irritated that it was not possible for me to say anything without being snappy. So somehow it would be useful at some point to be able to express my needs. For instance, I just need to share and if you wouldn't mind just listening and if you've any experiences of something similar it would be useful to hear your process. Something like that. It would be rude surely to say I felt irritated when you started telling me what I need to do. It sounds arrogant as well, as if she has not got good suggestions. Her good suggestions were to investigate a phone card and that my financial worry might be something I'm attempting to escape from. Not to mention that I'm very tired which seems to be quite the norm recently.
So God please help me to live and let live. This is the way E is. How do I tolerate it when it gets on my nerves. Is it more so today because I'm tired and stressed because of money? Is it hormonal? Is it stress of not having got with anything yet again? Possibly it is the culmination of these things that have lowered my tolerance. Which is what E was suggesting without realising how I was including her in my stress.
Live and let live and let go. Phew - thank goodness for writing and allowing myself to look at me.
Bliss
x

ps I now recall B suggesting a phonecard but I ignored the suggestion thinking I knew what that meant and not knowing at all. I'm so arrogant and stubborn at times.

The River's Tale Rudyard Kipling

Twenty bridges from Tower to Kew—
(Twenty bridges or twenty-two)—
Wanted to know what the River knew,
For they were young, and the Thames was old
And this is the tale that River told:—

"I walk my beat before London Town,
Five hours up and seven down.
Up I go till I end my run
At Tide-end-town, which is Teddington.
Down I come with the mud in my hands
And plaster it over the Maplin Sands.
But I'd have you know that these waters of mine
Were once a branch of the River Rhine,
When hundreds of miles to the East I went
And England was joined to the Continent.

"I remember the bat-winged lizard-birds,
The Age of Ice and the mammoth herds,
And the giant tigers that stalked them down
Through Regent's Park into Camden Town.
And I remember like yesterday
The earliest Cockney who came my way,
When he pushed through the forest that lined the Strand,
With paint on his face and a club in his hand.
He was death to feather and fin and fur.
He trapped my beavers at Westminster.
He netted my salmon, he hunted my deer,
He killed my heron off Lambeth Pier.
He fought his neighbour with axes and swords,
Flint or bronze, at my upper fords,
While down at Greenwich, for slaves and tin,
The tall Phoenician ships stole in,
And North Sea war-boats, painted and gay,
Flashed like dragon-flies, Erith way;
And Norseman and Negro and Gaul and Greek
Drank with the Britons in Barking Creek,
And life was gay, and the world was new,
And I was a mile across at Kew!
But the Roman came with a heavy hand,
And bridged and roaded and ruled the land,
And the Roman left and the Danes blew in—
And that's where your history-books begin!"

Fine lines

I've been pondering the fine line between rigidity and chaos or a lack of boundaries. These thoughts relate to my latest difficulty, i.e. the situation at work. As SH, my colleague, pointed out from the start, LK has no boundaries. She has no boundaries around anything it seems. Offering to lend us and then giving us £20 each for Easter seems to be without boundaries. Even so there is the act of kindness in the offer itself. or is it? Or is there another motive? Am I being suspicious and ungracious in taking the offer on face value. Is that another fine line? Then there are the ever changing decisions. She will make a decision about a clients destiny with us and then afterwards discuss it often changing her mind without there being any clear boundaries or reasoning. Then there is the dashing about in reaction. Yes she's very reactionary. And conversations with us about her personal life, without first making any assessment of the situation. For example, I might be beavering away at something , work orientated I mean, and LK would rather chat about something. Then when I'm leaving at the normal time, well this happened on Friday at least, she seemed huffy. I just went anyway, thinking to myself that if she had just got on with her work during the day instead of being so easily distracted all over the place, then she would be leaving on time too. PD never worked late and all the work was done. A lack of discipline, which is boundaries isn't it?
It's a funny thing this concept for boundaries. I used to balk at rules and regulations, often rebelling and yet with some rules , sticking absolutely rigidly to them. Boundaries create safety. There is certainty. I can't quite put my finger on something as an example. But I can absolutely see the importance of parents for example agreeing on the boundaries for the family. The children then know the boundaries and so long as there is consistency they will learn security and certainty. Of course children will push to test the boundaries, seeing how safe they actually are. Whether in Freudian ID and Ego, they can push the boundaries for what seems like self gain. The funny thing is that by pushing the boundaries, by manipulation or sheer dogmatism or even violence or some other way of pushing through, the child then starts to learn uncertainty which brings fear. If they can be that powerful then they are also in charge. To being with this can seem appealing. Bearing in mind that this is mainly at an unconscious level. So the child takes the power but them also becomes the one in charge. That can be fine and fun when it is a first bursting through, but a child doesn't have resources and experience to deal with every situation. That's when parents need to be there to help deal with life issues and help the child negotiate through difficulties. But if the child is "out there", there will have no certainty that the parents will contain them and have to start dealing with issues but with childlike points of view. It becomes all too frightening. The child might return to the nest as so to speak but without the faith that the parent can truly protect them, which might simply be guidance. The parent has already shown that they are not capable of keeping things contained.
I repeat that all of this dynamics are unconscious and this is just one play out as an example.
A child needs to learn that it isn't the Superego. The child needs to have room enough to experiment within the confines of certainty. This of course is not control though.
Now there is the fine line I suppose. When does this certainty need to be flexible. It doesn't need to be flexible for the sake of appearances with other people. I am specifically thinking of for example setting table manners. The parent may have strict rules for behaviour at the table at home and to maintain these has to constantly be reinforcing the rules. I was thinking for example of my friend removing her daughters plate if she got down from the table. The little girl was constantly distracted from her meal and so not eating properly. Now to begin with the parents kept allowing her to get down, play and then return to the table. There is good reason I am thinking for this not being OK. However when we went out to a restaurant because the constant telling off didn't feel comfortable in public, the boundary altered. I didn't actually think this was a good version of flexibility because it was motivated by worry about what strangers might think. So what would be good flexibility. I think an example might be the little girl requesting to go to the toilet on a first occasion. Allowing that with discussion. And then ensuring for future meals that a parent takes her to the toilet before each meal so that any request to go to the toilet is only a way of pushing the boundaries but also creating the disciplines for onward life.
These are mild examples I think but examples nonetheless of developing structure and disciplines without being controlling.
Why are humans in need of boundaries though? Otherwise I suppose it's anarchy. And I see what that brings in my work place right now. None of us really know whether we a re coming or going. o boundaries are important in the community. We all know then we are working together and the part each of our individuality's can come together without having to be just one person. I wonder what the lack of boundaries does to raise fear. It creates uncertainty and with uncertainty comes fear.
This is a psychologically interesting question. Uncertainty evokes fear and fear means there's no faith. So is faith to do with certainty. People say I know it will be OK as if reassuring oneself. The funny thing is that despite everything over the years things have turned out OK. There have been grave difficulties along the way which I suppose contribute to my fear. For example this situation at work creates uncertainty and fear in me to the point where I agonise and agonise. That agonising and analysis turns into wanting to run, wanting to run feels me with a sense of the lack of self ability and control. Which can become depression and depression can become suicidal for me. Not to mention the horrible feelings and thoughts that come with depression. It's bleak and painful being in depression. So I am scared of this too when I'm thrown into this situation with LK and no boundaries.
As B said, change throws people into trauma. When introducing newness into a company structure, a large unnamed company actually bring a counsellor into the fold to help with the management of change. Sadly we don't have a manager that is capable of managing the change that is occurring. So here we are, little people, whose rights have been removed by a scared person who has to control, we have no adult voice. There is no room for open discussion and opinions to be shared and negotiated. It has to be this way or no way. It feels miserable and throttling to be like this. But any discussion that is attempted is taken to be threatening and personal. Wow! What lessons I can learn. This is the outward looking picture.
But what about me and how I am with this lack of boundaries but instead rigidity of rules. Now there's the thing. Injustice? It was similar with my dad. He had no boundaries yet imposed rigid rules. I would rebel secretly against the rules. And that's what I'm doing now. I have no respect you see. So I'm doing what's told to me to keep myself as safe as possible but inside I have utter contempt. How can I learn to be flexible with the situation. I recognise the lack of boundaries and the replacement with control. I guess the start of going with the flow is seeing this. Now God please help me to be OK with this internally.
It helps not to be getting into the nasty gossip. I'm not fuelling the negativity within me. That will make more and more space to see the bigger picture. I want to practise listening and asking people what they are going to do about it. For example saying "will you raise this with someone?" or "would you like to do something about it?"
As my sponsor repeated from something said to her - be the change I want to see. This brought to mind the St Francis of Assisi prayer:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

So God please help me to bring this into my daily workings. I think with this you can show me how to be flexible around someone else rather than critical of them getting it wrong. It doesn't mean I have to drop my boundaries. In fact just the opposite, I need to ensure my boundaries are in tact. I have values and they will be bound to disagree with others' boundaries. But I can be gently assertive without causing friction when my boundaries meet someone else's rules. I see how boundaries contribute to a stronger sense of self whereas rules and rigidity can be a manifestation of fear. I wonder what LK is so afraid of. I relate to it. In my fear I can become so controlling. And it's not nice to be on the receiving end of at all. It's not nice being in it either. But having boundaries which are the manifestation of values and principles and self esteem, they actually contribute to a growing sense of worth. I am worthwhile enough to ensure I leave on time. So long a I've got all my work completed then I have that right. If I an't get my work completed because of someone else, the I will ensure I take the time back. If it's because I've been messing around then I am not owed anything and in fact I have owed. Following these principles will surely stand me in good stead to feel OK and decent about myself. Then I can let go of the irritation I feel when LK doesn't work to similar ethics. That's her business not mine. I trust that if it is actually a real issue then it will come to the surface for all to see. If it's not a big deal then it can continue without a problem for others. And I mean this about everything. If on a bigger scale there is something unhealthy and wrong about it all, it will start to show through the big picture and then thins will change. Whether it changes in the way I want it to is another question all together. What I'd like is for me to be right and everyone see it the way I do and then change it the way I think it should be changed.
But for example rather than change things back, it might be that we just don't get enough clients in the way we've had them and so ATP is disbanded. It's a possibility. Or the whole format of the progamme will alter to accommodate a different style of keeping clients. Those relationships we've developed with consultants will merely fade and they will find another outlet to work with even if it's not us. I actually don't like being a part of that disintegrating reputation. I'd like to talk with Dr F actually but it's none of my business. What I'm trying or hoping I could do is protect my reputation. God if there is meant to be a way of talking with her or any of the other consultants then I'm certain you will present that opportunity. I feel that Dr B is of a similar ilk, very low in self worth and so he's going along with a different style. Well it will change of that I'm certain. There is nothing I can do to fight such a force. So rather than fight please God show me ow to let go of my need to control and instead go with the flow. At the same time help me to trust that I will be OK.

So my thoughts about fine lines with boundaries and rigid rules - have I really come to any conclusions. Yes I thnk there are some ideas formed and thankfully no absolute certain answer which means there's room for flexibility and space to add more knowledge.
By George, I think I get it.

Bliss
XX

Letter to Buddy

My time in Spain was really a great tonic. The weather was windy and overcast for the first several days. Only really the last two days was truly hot. I was able to sit in the heat in t-shirt and shorts. Otherwise it was chilly and I was in jumper and jeans most of the time. My friends there are like a big family. I feel very embraced. They have a large finca, and so I was picking my breakfast fruit off the trees and collecting organically grown vegetables for my meals. Lovely tastes. And of course fish from the market freshly caught too. Glorious repasts. It was tempting to break my food abstinence with every meal served as if feasting. And lots of treats lying about for the children.
This family I have known now for 14 years. My friend and her partner and children moved over to the family finca just last year. She wanted to be with her mum and dad who have lived there approaching 10 years. I've always felt so included and feel very grateful to know them.

I spent a lot of time agonising over the situation at work. I got myself into quit a dark hole with my thoughts. I very quickly fall into my default of being a bad problem despite contrary evidence such as this family loving me so much and having friends and work colleagues who say they enjoy working with me and find me very professional etc.
I feel very unhappy at work but learning how that infiltrates every area of my life. I am seeing how I put too much emphasis on work and it can create imbalance. So I am hoping to see how to wear work loosely.
It is upsetting to see so many radical changes that do not seem to be for the best but I need not to take that so much to heart. I hope to be able to go with the flow, be flexible whilst remaining dependable and reliable.
It was difficult returning to work but for these 2 days I was there I went with the flow and was jolly in my disposition. I can take my frustrations and incredulity outside of work to good friends who just listen without being deeply embroiled in the situation.
I know it will pass and I will ave gained a lot from the experience.

I'm so very glad that you feel so safe and peaceful with the psychotherapist. A gentle approach seems important to you.
He seems to have gained your trust already.
And I hope that your time with P is fun and relaxing too.
Having made a choice to abstain from any relationships over the next year I feel relieved. I seem to get muddled in my choices and need some time out to reflect upon this. I would love to meet someone who is truly loving and someone I can truly love. As the song says - the greatest thing in life we learn is to love and be loved in return.
I think I need this time out though to spend some time developing self love. I am very hard on myself. Negative and self-hating. This has to alter more than it has already. over the years I have changed and much more self loving than I was. But it creeps in so very easily and this has created dreadful tensions in both my choices of parnters in the past and then within the relationship once established.
It's a long but very interesting journey of personal growth .....
More to come and every day is an adventure.