To compare or to measure?

How much is your work worth? One of the most challenging stories in the Bible is a parable that Jesus of Nazareth told about an owner of a vineyard who hired some casual workers – the landless and exploited day labourers of 1st century Palestine. He hired some at the beginning of the day for an agreed price. He hired some more at noon, 3 and 5 in the afternoon. He paid the last group the same sum as the ones he’d hired at the beginning of the day. The ones who’d worked the longest obviously complained; but they got no sympathy from the vineyard owner, who reminded them that they’d agreed to work for a certain wage; and he had paid them that. It was up to him how much he paid everyone else.
Recent interpretations of this parable have focussed not so much on a religious interpretation but an economic one; that Jesus of Nazareth was commenting not so much on the character of God, in the person of the vineyard owner, who is generous in a way that human beings, addicted to comparisons, find unfair. Instead, Jesus was commenting critically on an economic system that ensured the lowest paid, with no contractual obligations to an employer, remained at the mercy of that employer.
Just this week, two stories have reminded me of that ancient parable; the argument over whether prisoners working as part of their rehabilitation will take away jobs from those who would otherwise do them; and the row over the treatment of volunteers or apprentices getting work experience stewarding large public events in order to find paid work as part of the Olympic stewarding team.
Taken together with the recent Beecroft report recommending a greater ability for employers to fire – and hire; and the ways in which our labour markets are regulated become part of the national debate on the best ways out of the economic crisis we are in. Arguments often polarise unhelpfully between left and right focussing either on protective labour laws or the freedom of employers with each held up to be the best way to stimulate and maintain prosperity.
I recently saw for the first time the 1946 film “It’s a Wonderful Life” starring Jimmy Stewart. I was surprised how contemporary the subject, even though sentimentally expressed; and the scene during which Stewart’s character stops a run on the bank by using his own money to give his investors only the amount they said they needed was a meditation on the themes of trust, accountable relationships and honest dealings. These small town morals won’t help the Spanish government of course; a national economy is not a household budget. But when economic times are hard, the temptation to exploit one another grows; and compassion fatigue is pervasive. It takes nerve in times of economic difficulty not to sacrifice values of fairness in the service of maximising the bottom line. But the courage shown in hard times dignifies the work done, as well as the ones who do it.

Notes on the reign of King Solomon

Born son of David and Bathsheba - David's 11th son.
His mother pushes him forward as heir to the throne. He kills his brother apparently to possess the throne.
Elevated into the semi deified being. Glimpses of the real man at the beginning and end of his reign.
Biblical sources - main accounts Kings 1-12, II Chronicles. There are differences between the accounts. The main account is in Kings.
Violent put downs of enemies to being with and then very peaceful. His main task is building the temple. He builds his own palace and other building works across his state.
Kings 11 - the only criticism of Solomon - his liking of foreign women. Condemnation of his interest in other cults.
Wisdom is played down in favour of the temple.
Both accounts are idealised and need to be taken with an historical pinch of salt.

The first temple was given such essential significance because there is the ark of the covenant wherein dwells the presence of God. The arc needs a permanent home. King David was more involved in military matters so Solomon designated the building of the temple.
Era of Solomon and the time of writing are different.

Different tribes each had their own gods and the notion of one God being recognised was still int he shadows. People were worshipping at different shrines. There was a danger of the break up of the religions and there was a need to centralise it. So the importance of the arc was borne.
It was lavish with lay overs of gold and carvings of angels.

Solomon has a dream and he requests in this dream for God to bequest him with wisdom. As he hasn't asked for more God gives him more because he hasn't asked for them.
His reputation of wisdom are renowned. The story of the two women and the baby is a story indicating Solomon's wisdom when he says the baby will be chopped in half and the real mother saves the baby even if it means giving the baby up.

Living from 730 to 790 BC
The worship of the one true God. Everything is judged according to history - puritan view of King Solomon. Theological and difficult to get to the real history of Solomon.

Ancient Israel lies between the desert in the east and the Med in the west - a land bridge.
Between Iraq and Egypt (Assyria). Sustaining great nations.
Political weaknesses due to the pushing and puling of different power blocks - north and south.

Spice route from the south which links with Queen of Sheba. Solomon founded a port near the gulf of Elat. He wanted to exploit the main trade route through Jordan up to Damascus. He made money from this.
He made alliances with the Venetians. They would not let him impinge on the westward trade but helped set up an eastward trade connection. They were great sailors.
Reading the Bible carefully Solomon ran up debts - he had to relinquish 20 villages to pay his debts.

Challenges faced by Solomon involved his dramatic over spending. 13 years building his own palace and 7 years building the temple
His people were put into servitude to the foreigners. They were effectively slaves.
He taxed his people very heavily.
His empire crumbles and is rotten within because of his treatment of his people.
This doesn't seem so wise???

He had a building programme and the motivation is presented as a glorification for God. But there must have been an ego and lavishness for himself. The palace must have been more lavish than the temple. It's all show. There was talk of a lot of gold. A passive man behind all of this and he was a bit of a porn in the succession of the throne in the first place. Forced labour were aspects of his character that were not great.
But his passiveness is also there.

The scriptures suggest that his spirituality was out of sync with that times. If he wanted to be a great king he had to have the element of display ie building.
Modern archaeology - he built his house, chariot cities, structure in Jerusalem called the Millo.
His splendour as a monarch required him to have splendid buildings. But was there any truth in this?
The areas have been thoroughly dug and there are questions whether findings actually have anything to do with Solomon and so far nothing has.
Stables were discovered - stabling up to 400 horses. David didn't use chariots so the indication was that Solomon used chariots.
Also fortified gates were discovered and afforded to Solomon
But archaeologists say that this is false.

The Millo was said to be discovered with steps and a palace on the top but it is negated that this is associated with Solomon.

There was a lot of confidence at the uncovering of these structures suggesting a similarity or unified mind behind the structures. A structured programme.
But there seems in last 10 to 15 years a undercutting of the evidence.
Solomons large administration - he married an Egyptian Pharoahs daughter connecting him with Egypt.
Minimalist position is that there is no association of Solomon with structures uncovered.

Extravagance suggests a lot of wives and concubines totalling 1000
His significance is not about being a historical figure but is based on a lot of myths. The stories were written 400 to 500 years after he was living.
He was elevated into this position.
We want him to have been this kind of ruler - wealth, women and wisdom and with God.
Maximalist view - Oriental monarchs at that time did have big harems. So there is a core of plausibility - the status of King would hold large numbers of women in court.

Queen of Sheba - she comes to visit Solomon having heard of his renown of wisdom and wealth. She enjoys riddling with him finding the rumours to be true.
There are no sexual overtones. There is debate of her having a son by Solomon.
There is a hint that Solomon fulfilled her every desire - what does this mean?

Buildings may give us more evidence of Solomon. There are huge questions about the dating of the buildings. The evidence is more from the written text itself. If it is made up then there is a lot of detail that would be puzzling. There are lists of administrative districts, officials.
There is more than fiction and instead an historical core.
The kingdom cam to an end - his own son was set to inherit.
All these foreign wives and cults he is to be punished by the division of his kingdom - Go' punishment. But it's done after his death.
Jeroboam and Rehoboam who is Solomons son. He won't give up the forced labour.
He inherits from David - he builds on that - wealth, trade routes, jewels, buildings
But then it falls back from that in his death.

His reign was and still is is thought of a reign or peace prosperity and wisdom - by standards of the rest of reigns it was a peaceful time
There were odd rebellions and incursions but he wasn't facing the invasions from Syria in the north and Assyria in the south
It was a settles time not too many invasions
A time of success and wealth because of the trade routes.
So an image of wise king was borne. He was passive - not out to war and invade.
He has flaws - he kills off the opposition and loses  Gods favour
But there is a model of a king from his image

Evidence that he took on the wisdom texts of Egypt - proverbs and song of songs and Ecclesiastes were attributed to him
Scholars say her had nothing to do with these.
His wisdom begins with scribes who were international in their outlook. Any large state had their very educated people who knew foreign languages dealing with corres with foreign kings
So there was knowledge from different cultures. They began the wisdom literature dealing with how to live life and ow to be a good administrator in court. Then they began to deal with laws and religion
Priests were in conflict as they had been in charge of laws.
Solomon was therefore known as a greater keeper of wisdom even if not directly involved.
Attribution was honorary,.
In proverbs a lot are attribute d to Solomon.
Songs of Solomon - so it can't possibly be a complete untruth surely?

Ecclesiastes - takes on a persona of Solomon.

Judaism and Islam have a collection of stories. He is the ruler of Israel and animals and can command the devils.
They contain within them the humbling of Solomon - he has this power but every so often the ant has the power. ie is smaller and thereby humbled
In Islam there is no humbling - he is only ever the great and the wise. He is seen as the embodiment of the wise ruler. Islamic theology the Calif is the appointed one of God. To rule over the whole of creation - everything and is on trial before God to maintain the purity of that role. So the wisdom of that person is important.


Today it is conflicted between scholars - there is a core of history but there is a plastic figure too. A myth.
Kingship and wisdom are moulded from the idea of Solomon
At the centre of the series of legends are righteous rule, effective rule and wisdom
And a as yet accounts cannot be proved - idealistic but there must be a historical core.

There is more info in the Bible about him than any other King.

On being grown up

Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows. - John Betjeman.

I sense that the anger in me isn't grown up at all. I think the anger is childlike anger.
I feel tired too and with this comes intolerance. And despondency has arrived today. I feel sure that S is right in that the despondency follows the suppression of anger. Suppression in my attempts to contain the behaviours associated with heightened anger, rage and fury even.
I feel a sort of resignation and an unhappiness about everything. It all seems difficult. I become dark in my thinking. I was driving home thinking about just getting it over and done with. I get a real surge of energy to do it and then it passes almost immediately. But the desire stays with me. It sometimes feels too difficult to live this life. I am scared.
I am afraid of not being able to survive with any dignity. You know, not having a job, not having funds to live with any sort of comfort, just existing. What's the point? And to work etc all feels impossible. Where I used to be ambitious and believe in myself, now all I do is doubt and feel drained by the lack of any self belief. I have so much of this and then I work with a woman who undermines all the time. I can't trust her motives behind anything at all she says. I don't think she has any respect for me at all. Or is it me that doesn't believe in me at all and project that onto her, seeing it in her eyes, hearing it in her tones. Just like I would do with my dad.
Is this the despondency after the mania? It's such hard work oscillating between these extremes. And the extremes could be worse.
I feel angry with K's kids for not respecting her, I feel angry with K for not setting boundaries. I feel sad and angry with J for not wanting to get into recovery. I feel angry with L for being such hard work. I feel angry with just about everything and anything and I think it's childlike because I don't know how to manage it or where to put it. I feel abandoned by my dad but surely this isn't enough to feel the level of anger I feel. It's so flipping annoying. And yet anyone else I would be saying this is the anger that seeps out and now I want to manage it rather than it controlling me and spilling out.
It's pretty tiring. And where's God in all this S asked?
God please help me to know and understand. Please show me how to be. Please help me. I don't feel I can take anymore. I'm beginning not to function in my home once again. It's always possible to tell the state of mind through the state of my flat.
My food is clean. This leaves me with all this emotion to deal with. To be honest it was complicated and difficult even with the food. Maybe the food just wasn't working anymore. I think I'm angry about all the years of wastage too. Angry that I'm not in a different situation. There is loss too. Loss of that youthfulness ambition and drive. All the things that have happened in my life. Decisions I've made, people that have been through my life. Arrrrrrrgh!
The anger is stronger than I'm able to tap out on a keyboard.

Bliss
x

Camouflaged sadness and hurt

S didn't want to let me pass by the emotions I described that have arisen after meeting with him on Saturday. She was very good, and continued to be so today, at hearing the real pain amidst everything. All the other good things were real; a lovely evening BBQing in honour of my birthday with important friends, wonderful presents, fun and laughter, a rebate cheque from HM tax office (blimey!) and just when I am wondering how to afford a car service and purchase a new washing machine, a weekend with visits of me actually showing up to friends I can easily neglect, then a flat to come home to that's private and safe. All these good things and yet S noticed I by-passed strong emotions in connection with my dad.
I have been feeling sadness. That's realted to the gaping chasm between us. We are different sides of teh Grand Canyon, shouting across to each other. I don't want to lose that loose connection across the chasm and yet I'm finding it difficult to be heard and noticed. I am trying to hear everything he says but it's sometimes garbled with the echoes or so quiet that other noises distract from the essence of what is being said. I feel sad for the chasm and regret for the part I've played in creating that deep and immense distance between us. It feels as if the journey to be undertaken to get together is too long with the energy and amount of time left. I feel as if I can get there quickly enough. At the same time I cannot rush it when coming across all the things I need to get through the journey; money, food, shelter, support. I want the quick way, a bridge or a plane. At least  want to get across and I'm making the effort to keep in contact even when it seems as if he is not saying so much. He stands there anyway, which is a sure sign there is something worthwhile between us. It hurts though. It hurts that he can be so easily distracted away. He has his wife there in the background. I felt jealous that he had brought her to Petersfield and it was even worse that he didn't tell me directly and only became apparent as I asked probing questions. The hurt and the sadness mixed seemed to attenuate as the jealousy took over. It's so much easier to be in some variation of anger. And therefore since yesterday I have been angry. There is a degree of augmenting the anger with S, my colleague. We pick out the negatives in the interactions. I can see with me that some of it is trying to get an assurance that S's playfulness with her and accordance is actually only a placatory thing and not genuine. I am scared of her switching sides. Fear! fear of? Fear of being left alone with my dislike and disapproval. That on my own I will be wrong. There's probably more underlying that. I'm afraid.
But the anger - hmmm. I'm angry with ? I just feel angry. It's like a childish anger that feels free floating and I don't knw what has caused it or where to put it so it keeps landing on every little thing that irritates me. It could be hormonal having had hot flushes a couple of weeks ago and fluttery tummy days last week. Then pain on Sunday night. lus I'm tired. I'm not going to bed early.
On the other hand there are situations that I feel angry about. I feel angry that my employers do not give us the bank holiday that the nation has been given to honour the Queens Diamond jubilee. In reality I am not a royalist although have enjoyed watching some of the pomp and ceremony. I do feel a sense of pride and honour when I see all the royal family and glitz. The Queen is remarkable really. The "pop" concert was actually diabolical in terms of intellectual creativity for me. But I did bop along to one or two of the performers. I really admire the strength of Tom Jones voice and the stardom Kylie Minogue created with her catchy numbers and sexy styles. I noticed that she was alot more subdued in her performance. I cringed at the comedian hosts. I watched it until the end despite being only partially entertained.
And as I said this to S this monring she pointed out that several times I had talked about doing things to numb out. At one point I had said "fuck-it!" and was thinking about buying sugar products. Whilst with A there were various sugar products about and I wanted to help myself. I was afraid though knowing that it wouldn't stop.
What am I angry about that I am feeling a need to suppress it?
I'm angry at not having enough money to be able to afford luxuries like a washing machine. I am angry that my employers do not invest in us at all - training, pay increases, bank holidays, and it feels like injustice so I feel helpless. I feel angry with L's ways of getting at me all the time. It's probably not intentional but little comments seem indirectly derogatory and undermining often. She has a way of being underhand. It's boring in a way. I'm angry that I enter into the negativity with S. I'm angry at the distance between my dad and I. I'm angry that he still doesn't give me THE priority and that goes way, way back. I'm angry that my mum is dead. I'm angry that S seems to challenge rather than purely hear me - I need to learn the technique of what it is I want as I think I antogonise people in my working practice in a similar way. It's good learning. I'm angry that my knowledge and anger is being insulted. I'm angry because I'm tired. I'm angry because I have so little time for me every evening and yet I sit chatting for ages and that's time for me. I wonder if A would like to go for a late walk?
I'm angry with myself - for the behaviours that have contributed to the chasm between my dad and I. But I can also be gentle with mysef and remember that I have been unwell for many years. I'm angry that he was the way he was - a bully, unkind at times, rude to my mum, a liar. I am very angry at his lies. His devious lies and his nonsense lies. Oh yes I'm truly angry about that.
I'm angry at being angry.
The thing is I need to let this anger out appropriately. The more I attempt to suppress it, the more opportunity it has to fester and amass into rage. And then rage and fury become destructive. That's what I need to contain. I recognise that S. I agree with you and felt irritated that you pointed it out when I know it anyway. Keep an open mind Bliss. She was pointing out what I wasn't stating.
The need to numb has been a need to contain the raging behaviours I think and also some laziness. Oh yes I'm angry that I'm not studying but truly enjoying not studying. I'm angry for not being better trained and qualified and yet again skating aling trying not to be noticed for being underskilled.
So writing is a tool that can help me express my anger appropriately. It's anger at different levels. I know the desire to rebel is a degree of anger that would suggest it's on the upward tilt.

well as I'm at work I'm going to end this post.
I think some people will think badly of anger. I do not. I embrace it rather than pretend it doesn't exist. Anger is useful and a parallel feeelng with fear. Both are necessary. However, with anger is a destructive force of energy. Necessary on an evolutionary scale. Anger drives the courage to be fearce in the face of danger. Fear provides the adrenalin to run if necessary.
So here is all this anger that has never been directed. I was only ever taught how to numb it out. And I haev a lot. When anger is punctured with trauma and abuse including spiritual abuse such as never being regarded or respected, then it can become explosive. And explosive is very dangerous even murderous - inwardly or outwardly.
So it's good to acknowledge the anger and gy writing and talking I am identifying lots of things that I'm feeling angry about. IN this way I can contain the degree to which it escalates and then it's also easier to monitor the behavioural reactions or atitude.
Thank you God.
Bliss
X

The Hudsucker Proxy

A Joel Coen film. I can't decide whether it's good or silly. It's in a sort of old 50's style and a comedy but with a very serious undertone. The falsity of the commercial world. I can relate to a lot of it. The loneliness amidst the demands of consistently performing, underhand private agenda's. The power trap and snobbery. The tricksters all wanting to get their cut somehow.
Marketing and commercialism.
It's a a pretty unbalanced world where that kind of attitude is the mode of operandi. And everyone really cannot trust. Everyone has to be on red alert. Everyone wants, wants, wants and at any cost so long as it's not at their own cost.
It's horrid.
A good view of the ways of the supposed civilised communities. Blur!!!!!



Empire says (and gives it a 4 star, I've given it a 3.75 star - out of 5) "Just as Norville Barns lands a dull job in the mailroom of the Hudsucker corporation, the firm's founder is taking a suicide leap from the top floor. In order to take control of the business, the board must force shares to decrease in value rapidly, so they put Norvill in charge"
Tim Robbins plays Barns, Paul Newman is Sidney J. Mussberger, the coniving clever self-centred one. Jennifer Jason Leigh plays Amy the double crossing reporter who falls in love with Norvill.

I guess it was playful and made very good points about the craziness of the world. It was a feelgood film too despite the despair and gloominess. It was like a cartoon version in away of a film I watched where the man was in some purgatory place. Everything was grey, there was nothing that tasted or smelt, the job he was given was monotonous, there was no joy or pleasure in anything at all. What was this film called? It was a foreign film and although a odd I really liked it. It grabbed me more than this one did beforehand. I think it did grab me because it was Coen Brothers film. They make good films and sometimes they make great films!

I'm off to the B's for a walk prior to BBQ'ing
Bliss
X

Keeping the circles turning

I'm feeling rather full up after lunch. Yet immediately after eating I wanted more. But now my tummy feels filled out. I think it's swelling which could be related to eating cauliflower that's possibly too old to be eating. O well. I am trying to be cautious with spending and that means making every scrap of food count.

I met with my dad. He arrived and made some comment about being outside of the coffee shop at 10:20. Before he carried on I said that I'd seen him entering the car park. He then came up with a story about a bus blocking the road and him stopping and being rudely threatening towards the driver. Of course I just know that was bullshit.  I wonder why he feels the need. It's as if he's a big strong guy still and wanting to scare. It's power and hides a lack of self I believe. It saddens me as I write that and consider what's underneath the aggressive tones and manner. I suspect this also covered up the fact he was late and was beginning to lie.
He then revealed without meaning to that he had dropped Theresa off and that she hadn't wanted to some and had a coffee as well. Apparently he has a urinary infection and has to go and get an injection. I have no idea if it's true and that I guess is the really sad part of this that it's difficult to know what is the truth or embellished or downright fantasy.
I didn't know what to talk about. I stuck to the recent art galleries and events I'd been to. I mentioned Brick Lane and there was a little meeting of paths talking about how different it is. He recognised Brick Lane as a once slum area of London. If a car had been stolen you'd be likely to find it dumped in Brick Lane. All these once depressed areas are now trendy and expensive. Even Hackney!
There was some discussion about his health issues. He complimented me saying that I don't look my age at all.

Anyhow, I noticed that I felt jealous when he was saying that he couldn't stay long as he and Theresa......There was a part of this though that was me feeling let down. Yet again he wanted to get away as quickly as possible. And not even be able to be truthful, or maybe he was but who really knows? I suspect he doesn't truly know what's true or not these days. This jealousy though was goo to notice.
As soon as I noticed I was able to stop the next words in case it came out negatively and rudely. I enquired after Theresa. He protested that he doesn't see her daughters and doesn't like them. Again it just didn't ring true. But who knows? He was just so rude about them, well specifically the youngest one. He cana't bear the way she goes on and on talking about nothing.
Actually so much of what he says seems to be difficult to discern whether it's true or not and this makes conversation difficult really. It's so obvious that it's not all true. He makes a fool over him. I know that other people have indicated that he's fake. I wonder if Theresa's seen it too. She must have by now.
They spend so much time visiting the hospital and when asking what they like doing, he said sitting by the sea and visiting Southsea from time to time to watch the boats. I wonder if I could find some nice deckchairs for his Father's Day present. Or something that would facilitate a little comfort whilst sitting on the beach. I will look out for something. Whenever do I get to visit the shops?
I would like to find a little something for AW. She left on Thursday. Thank goodness a few people could be mustered together to make a formal goodbye. It was all so last minute and meaningless I realised. I would not want the same to be done for me. Not in that manner anyway.
Yuch! So fake. Thankfully there was a contribution to her collection and people signed her card.

I am pleased though, returning to the meeting with my dad, that I was aware of my emotions and able therefore to check my attitude and behaviour. Moreover, the self pity and fury was short lived. I recognised these as I started the drive home. I do feel angry that it's difficult to pick through the bullshit. I'm upset that he doesn't really want to spend time with me and then I project that anger onto Theresa, having him under the thumb. Yet I can also relate to it. I was afraid to be out for too long when I was with SH. I would stay a tad longer (co dependently not being able to leave) and yet scared of not leaving too. Oh gosh such painful ways of operating, or not operating. He may have different agendas and motives but I can recognise the mixed up behaviours.

I told him about the BBQ this evening. I told him this so that would know that people do nice things for me. I wanted him to feel guilty actually - manipulation. I did thank him for the cheque. He started to have a go at me for not cashing it yet. I didn't say sorry in any shape or form and take responsibility for past times cashing it very late but I did say that I have difficulty getting to a bank blah, blah, blah. I wished I taken responsibility and had been able to say that it wasn't my intention to inconvenience him when he was giving me a gift.
IN reality though and overall I did incredibly well. I didn't get it perfectly right but it's a miracle how far I am away from 7 or 8 months ago. And a million miles from the way I was 12 years ago. 12 years ago I had come out of treatment, mum was ill and I was avoiding my dad meaning that I didn't see much of my mum. Then it became more serious illness and I was there all the time. So mixed up!!!
And here I am today simply not owning one thing during the brief encounter and being compassionate and taking on a loving attitude for the most part. I feel pleased with this progress and still have things to work on.
Please God help me to manage the sadness, the anger, the jealousy and the confusion.

Thank you God. Oh and please show me the right thing to do with regard to the job. And please show me how to make amends to S.
How will I manage the clients that I see on a 1:1 basis? These people matter to me. They really do.


Bliss
XX

Thought crime

Interesting. I have a dilemma and discussing it through with my stand in FA sponsor something else entirely different came up for consideration. It comes back to a fine line again. Discernment or complete honesty.
You see the situation is that I travelled to Southampton yesterday having been invited because I had raised the idea that I might like to find a position in another P hospital. The manager mentioned this possible position and hence the day visit was arranged. I really was not interested, thinking that the journey was too long and also remembering how much I disliked being there when I was training and on placement there. It was a miserable experience.
Whilst travelling I made a call to an FA fellow. She used to be a head hunter and when I said I was feeling naughty just going for a day trip to be out of the office and the constant differences there (despite having found a way of managing myself within that so that I'm not constantly in conflict). This FA'er very gently raised the question about not saying to the S'ton people that it's not a viable journey. I suddenly realised that I hadn't prepared myself at all for this informal day. I would still be representing myself and as Ambassador for me I needed to think about how to present myself.
It probably showed that I hadn't thought through things enough. When K asked if I specialise, I missed the point and tried to flaff around an integrative approach to therapy. What she meant was whether there were addictions that I specialise in. I listed a few and realised that I hadn't spent enough time at all thinking abut who I am and what I do well. I also regret speaking too much about the recent difficulties but was very careful to express how it was achievement working through my sensitivity to changes and finding ways to maintain my desire to be flexible and adaptable and friendly and pleasant. I explained that the new working philosophy wasn't quite what I wanted.
K FA'er helped me identify the things that sound important to me. The working environment and atmosphere is definitely important after what has just been going on. Also the model of working is important. As you may realise I have come away actually quite enthused by the proposition of working there. My difficulty is the increased journey. I would really want to be reducing my travelling time not increasing it. Not to mention the increased costs.
I am concerned about M. She is truly burnt out and there would just be the two of us. Both as therapists reporting to K. She has been managing the department on her own for a year and a half. She has a lot of resentments and dislikes. I am not sure how she can overcome that. She seems very unhappy generally and realises that she actually has been quite unwell. She said she had lost herself spiritually several times. I wanted to ask how she thinks she needs to heal. I think she will need time and a lot of input into herself. She clearly has a tendency to over work but at a dear cost to herself.
K seemed positive and said there is investment in the hospital and therefore investment in the department. She seemed flexible, thinking outside of the box to accommodate. She wants to prepare a department structure and then launch it as a product both internally and externally. It certainly needs developing and getting internal customers on side.
Now the thing is that I have the dilemma of trundling along as things are in my current position. So long as I stay aware then I don't enter into my wanting to control and I can accept L's need for total control. It's not ideal and very stifling of being myself and developing trust in myself. However, it's pretty easy really. It's busier in some senses as there is no room for sessionals etc. At the same time L takes on more and more and is totally responsible. I keep handing over every decision to her mainly because she wants that and also because she is so inconsistent in my opinion. Then she takes it on her as her job to do. It surprises me but now I know that I just keep giving it to her to decide whether she delegates it or not. Her desk is a mess so I never really know what's going on. I send messages by email as a follow up because I've learnt that it's left as a very loose accusation when messages aren't remembered or followed through.
She is taking on all the ward rounds apart from the people that she doesn't like. I watch her slap and bully people about and then is super duper nice to them afterwards. Very crazy-making. People, I, don't know if I'm in or out of favour. It changes from moment to moment. But she swans around humming and perfectly OK with herself. That's great! But I do wonder if she realises the impact she has. It's not position to say. I can merely observe and reflect on the impact on me.
I do like some of her ideas and am learning although I would put my slant on things.

So then there is M. She will find it difficult to handover any PR. She will need time to feel well in herself. She will be holding the resentments and that will certainly impact newness. It would be interesting to observe myself with her. She seemed a lovely lady but there was a sense of persecution about her. Although I also hear how much she has been fighting with the powers that be to get things changed. I saw in her a reflection of me whinging. She had genuine cause to be dissatisfied and worn out. I have had too but I so wanted not to sound as if I was whinging. I think I entered into it a tad.

Now the things that has come out of discussing all of the dilemma and the package that I think I would want to take the job on ... I'll come back to that, was the knowledge that when P's got his business up and running I would be leaving anyway. He reckons now we'll be looking at December. Of course that is subject to everything running smoothly. He says that as things develop he could easily take on a sessional and then be ready to take me on full time down the line. He says it's a guarantee and sees us doing that for the next 10 years. I certainly would want to work for P and I think within that there would be room for me to do some private work. I would hope so. And of course my studying. I know there is actually no guarantee but for the time being I would be taking this job with knowledge that I plan to leave in say 7 or 8 months time. That will be long dark drives as well I realise. Summer may not seem so bad. Anyway!
S, FA'er, asked if I would be comfortable with that dishonesty. I was immediately defensive and angry saying that it would be foolish to reveal such a thought to a corporation whom I want to stay employed with for the time being. And then this raised in me another fine line... as she said it reminded her of the Thought crime in Orwell's book 1984. I hadn't remembered it specifically but realised the influence of that on the film Minority Report. An interesting story that really took this one point and expanded upon it. I like it when I see connections like this. The beauty of being well read or versed in books and films and I'm not. They are great ways to explain something too.
So here I am with thought crime. of course no one is going to see through special psychological windows exactly what my thought crime is but it will be there and certainly I believe that thoughts influence behaviours. There would be a secret you see. And of course I felt really terrible that I hadn't said to S that I was going to S'ton on Friday. She found out through L. Admittedly she has been away whilst it's all be taking place but I was avoiding saying anything on Wednesday for selfish reasons. I don't want her to suddenly up and leave. How mistrusting am I? God please help me with this.
So anyway I would really like the challenge of this position. I think there is a lot to develop but I don't want the responsibility of that, however I would like to be a part of it.
I would like an increase in salary fixed to work Monday to Thursday but on a Tuesday working 09:00 until 20:00 and then I can Aftercare and still have two of us in. I would hope that they would have a sessional for the Friday but also we could develop the programme so that Friday was perhaps a busier morning and a light afternoon.
I think on top of my salary increase I'd like some petrol expenses say £2000 per year. It's not enough but it would be something. I probably should work that out more exactly before I under sell myself.
I would also like to secure the 12 days study leave I already have - 1 day per month.
That would seem like a good package to me. Although of course the salary is never good enough. We are grossly under paid. But it would be a lovely environment in terms of the grounds. Hopefully having support M could regain hers sense of self and spirit that she feels she has lost and together we could develop the department with K heading it up. There is the close competition of course and a lot of bad feeling about that.
It would be interesting to know what the consultants are looking for from the department as there seems to be a big difference. Something that I believe has been worked on and is ongoing. I know L is making sure she has a lot of contact with them.
It could be quite exciting.
But what about this discernment? Isn't it stupid to say that I would be planning to move on if this other venture comes to fruition. Of course anything can and will happen between now and then. At the same time to not be honest and open about such things does leave me with some discomfort. And would undoubtedly seep out in some way if not feeling disloyal as with S and the visit to S'ton.
It's interesting. Another gap of finding balance.
I'm off to meet with my father now. There is a degree of anxiety I can feel. I've changed my top as I felt too exposed. Interesting. And I've worn clothes along similar lines of how I think ML would dress. He had so much high regard for ML. Always he seemed to like others more than me. Later on though he would have found their faults and slapped them down behind their back but drop them without warning. Not dissimilar to the bullying tactics at work.
Right I must go otherwise I'll be late.
More to write later on.
Bliss
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