Principles as a layer of Systems according to St Paul

Romans - letters from St Paul to the Romans
7:14

The Law, of course, as we all know is spiritual; but I am unspiritual; I have been sold as a slave to sin. I cannot understand my own behaviour. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. When I act against my own will, that means I have a self that acknowledges that the Law is good, and so the thing behaving in that way is not my own self but sin living in me. The fact is, I know of nothing good living in me - living that is, in my unspiritual self - for though the will to do what is good is in me, their performance is not, with the result instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me.
In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives in my body.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
In short, it is I who with my reason serve the Law of God, and no less I who serve in my unspiritual self the law of sin.

... The unspiritual are interested only in what is unspiritual, but the spiritual are interested in spiritual things. It is death to limit oneself to what is unspiritual; life and peace can only come with concern for the spiritual.

You may think I've suddenly turned religious as this is a quite from the Bible. I have nothing against religion except the people that in my opinion are invested with powers that they misuse. I therefore don't like to use the word adopted by religions, God. Even the capital letter makes me shudder. And yet I am happy with a capitalised Universe. I am because it to me represents truth, love, bliss, wisdom and peace. It is gentle and unassuming, it just happens. There is a rhythm to it all. And right now I see nature reclaiming itself against the destruction that has become man. Stronger viruses and bacteria gradually taking back mother earth.
So this verse I discovered was inspired by listening to Prof FT when he referred to St Paul's letters to the Romans and despite the lack of science St Paul depicts his awareness of two systems within him. Prof FT was referring to this in his lecture (previous post). As Prof FT said thought there are many 2-level systems throughout the brain and he cited the spiritual system as one because this has been extensively researched and is probably the best known. To this point systems are being identified but none so clearly distinguished as 2 level systems as vision. So St Paul is identifying the inner self that has beliefs of one sort and yet this overriding system that behaves against those principles. It is an uncanny vision of something that is these days researched and explored.
Addiction is a good example of a system over riding all sense. It is compelling and powerful. What happens to that quiet inner spiritual self? Why is it so quiet and yet it is so good? What sense is that in this system we have Universe/god? I don;t believe it is a mistake. Nothing in this Universe is a mistake, it is how it is.
Making sense of these things  biologically actually does help me to understand. But my understanding of biological psychology is not to move away from spiritual understanding, it simply reaffirms the wonder of the spirit, the Universe and I am in awe. It is wonderful.

There is something that grates on me. I cannot be entirely open and honest with G. I have not told him of a period in my life when I was escorting. That term is a very polite way of saying high-class prostitution. In reality I was visiting or they were visiting me and I was paid to have sex with them. I also haven't told him about all my sexual playing out. It doesn't seem beneficial and yet I do not feel fully open and honest. I know things about myself he doesn't know. I am holding back. I cannot decide if it is actually is harmful to tell him or more harmful to keep this secret. People would say no but then people do not always know. I give it to you Universe to guide me.
I know he invites the whole truth and says he does not make judgement. I want to know about him and women but when I do know it influences my thoughts about him and his motives today. For example I am grateful for his truth about his sexual experiences and his fantasies with men and things. But it leaves me questioning. Is he actually gay? Is that what affects his sexual arousal when he is with me, because really he would like to be with a man? And so on.
So how this links with the passages above about spiritual people are interested in spiritual things, I believe that honesty is spiritual. And I am one for secrecy, exaggeration, and outright untruths (lies). I am working on being more honest. And I like the truth, no I love the truth. I hope for openness and truth from others. This secret I am keeping stands against that principle. But there is also step 9 which adds to the act of amends "except when to do so would injure others". It could be damaging to him? I think it would create emotions with him and distrust. I am gradually revealing more of me to him. I have revealed my fantasies of M/s and not entirely explained the acting out but at least explained the research that I did online.
The thing is G has an extraordinary memory and so as more of me gets revealed is aware of the holes en route to get to today. There is more to be revealed and I guess that's all I can say to him. I need to learn to trust I do not automatically trust. I need to see how and where I am with every day with him. I have seen him react in ways that are frightening to me. If he doesn't like something or someone he is prone to put his take on that and reveal it outside in the broader arena. So if I were to give hi information that he took umbrage to I am not entirely sure that we can work through it and therefor at risk of being exposed broadly. So what if I am? It would be my truth. However, discretion is mine too.
Universe guide me please. As I currently feel closer to G, thank you Universe, it leaves me unsure as always how to proceed. Friends do know my past and so there is always the risk that it could be revealed to him through other sources. Ex's do know too and a man scorned? Who knows?
Please show me how to be and follow the spiritual path. I am not doing those things now and I am pretty certain that whilst I continue to work in me I am changing ad more in line with my inner spirit and Universal spirituality. I do not claim that I am not tempted by unspiritual pursuits and evil. I was tempted just recently with LW. I am more and more aware of the force of flattery. I know this is deeply connected with a deep sense of worthlessness. This is not spiritual. It is this 2 system that Prof FT talks about. Somehow I have learnt that I am scum and hold that belief so strongly. I hold it so strongly that is has driven most of my life choices in adulthood. And those choices have been so destructive. Unlearning this message I wonder if it's actually possible. I see changes whereby I  do feel better about myself at times. They are glimpses of change. It can easily slip into grandiosity but mainly I stay beneath the parapet of equality and slip into the quagmire of inferiority. Hence a smile or an affirmation from an external source can totally turn my head and lead me away from the spiritual pursuit. It is a hard path to follow.It can seem like deprivation at times. But I know it is worth it.
Therefore in following a spiritual path I wonder if it is necessary to forsake relationships with men all together? I have asked this question of the Universe. I asked the question of G yesterday. It feels saddening to think this might be the case. Is a relationship actually a veil between me and the spiritual path in totality? Can there be both? Or is the relationship meant to be me and the spirit within me. As G says who is me? What is this thing called me?


Here is the text I sent to G. I suspect he will think I've gone crazy. Or rather will confirm that I am ...

A question for you. There is no I, no me. What is there? What do you understand by there being no I? I'm interested. I'm sure there is no answer but I just wondered what this means to you. I'm not yet anywhere close to have any comprehension - I see flesh enclosing a sense of me separating me from you and other things. Yet there is no existence without, a sense of me is helped along by who and what I am not. There are in groups and out groups resulting in prejudices and yet we all breathe air to even exist. Is it unspiritual to have a sense of I. Who is this I? I feel that I is multidimensional. But there is a shifting I depending on situations at the same there is a level of consistent me regardless - what is that bit? And then whether to truly be is it necessary to forsake all desires - sex? Is it possible to be you and me got example and still follow the spirit? Is that ONLY feeding a want? And I also question whether the core can truly change such as my utter belief that I am scum. I sometimes can feel a degree of equality as a being - but that then is "me" versus "them" - mostly I live in the quagmire of inferiority occasionally riding above the parapet but into grandiosity. It has changed that at times "I'm" simply "me" not better nor worse than. But then what if I'm not an I at all?

Anyone - if you have some thoughts on this I truly would be interested t know what you think.

Bliss
xx
 

Hierarchy in the Brain

http://podcast.open.ac.uk/oulearn/psychology/podcast-Brain-Awareness-Week-Lecture

A wide variety of different sources of evidence is converging upon an understanding that the human brain is organized in a hierarchical structure. Brain regions that are old in terms of both evolution and development coexist with newer regions. Investigation into how this combination of regions produces behaviour has yielded some important insights. These involve a wide spectrum of phenomena, ranging from logical reasoning, how people become addicted, through homicide, to voting choices in elections. The lecture will explore a range of these phenomena. Frederick Toates is Emeritus Professor of Biological Psychology in the Open University. An author of 12 books, he has had experience of teaching undergraduates in America, France, Germany, Denmark, Sweden, Romania and Moldova. His OU teaching experience extends over more than 34 years. The most recent book is Biological Psychology (3rd ed.) and the article on which this lecture builds was published in The Journal of Sex Research in 2009. His research is mainly into the brain mechanisms of motivation.

Author: Prof Fred Toates

Broken Eyes

Going to bed now. But as the jealousy subsides the anger is rising. Want him to prioritise me. Hope he doesn't call coz I don't feel civil right now. Bloody hell relationships. And this is yet another one I didn't even want. I just get too flipping excited that anyone has paid me attention. It's been like that for a long time. I would like me to be different.
The story? Well in a voice message and a text one too G announced that E had called hi "on the sauce" again wanting to be taken to Petworthless meeting as G put it. I do like his creativity. I was instantly jealous as he has an interest in her. I assume an interest means he fancies her and given the chance would have a relationship with her. She's married but after all G has no respect for that having had affairs with married women in the past including D and spends time with her husband too. He says they are mates now and he's very very fond of her. But it is is peculiar. Still let's not buy into all that querying and questing for knowledge and certainty.
So off he goes to the meeting and sends me a text gratefully received saying that he will make some nourishing beans on toast and then call. He did exactly that bu didn't talk about E. I enquired and he unravelled the story. There was the conversation that she prefers male company in AA and of course he prefers female company. Do I feel okay with him developing another friendship with another woman. I don't think it's okay and whether he's chaste or not the women will get the wrong message especially if they are drinking and for years can be needy for male attention. Look at me with G. But he will say how can I think that he would make any approaches when I know his issues with sex. However, he was forward with me and direct about his issues and that hasn't stopped him at all. Plus I think he'd like a multitude of women's places to be able to be so that when kicked out of each place he has another, anywhere but his pit. I'm now going into the realms of paranoia and fantasy. But the truth will be revealed and there is something instinctual about this. I see his insecurity and also his selfish drive. And when he doesn't get what he wants he is either moody and withdrawn or punishing by getting his needs met in other ways. Not always healthy. I am taking his inventory yes! All I can do though is take care of my jealousy and insecurity and know that whatever happens I will be okay. This is the situation and it actually cannot do anything more than stir up these unpleasant feelings. I need some time to discover if my intuitions are founded in any way.
My eyes are broken in that I see myself as fat or a distorted body image because when overweight I've been feeling okay about myself until seeing a photo. When I saw myself underweight in a photo I was quite surprised. I have broken eyes.
But I have broken eyes about that so they are possibly broken about other things. I see one thing and read a million assumptions into it. So we will see. If he now starts having a lot of text contact with E, what will I do? If she's drinking she's going to be reaching out in the needy way. If her husband is kicking her out then she is going to want people to pick up the pieces and she prefers me. Is G suddenly going to spend time being that piece picker upper. He doesn't involve me. He might be trying to involve Long S but it's half-hearted really if E turns that down. Then what? He is surrounded by drunk needy women. Interesting description and picture. Do I want a man who wants to be surrounded by drunk needy women?
He will I think have thought that is the position I am in at work. Surrounded by drunk needy men. That's how he was and will undoubtedly be basing his experience of therapists on the ones he ended up having relationships with. I despise them their dangerous unprofessionalism. I think they are unaware of the damage they cause. Please God I never ever enter into that destructive journey. There but for the grace of God go I.
Am I seeing this through broken eyes? I don't know. At least if I keep talking and writing it will become clear. I do not need to act out the inquisitiveness and anger and quest for certainty. I know it will be revealed. I went digging with JH and found what I wanted to see. I do not need to go digging in the certainty that the Universal energy will reveal what I am supposed to see. In the meantime I can enjoy what I is enjoyable and leave the unknown to be where it is.
I can carry on doing what I want and like doing. I work regardless of what G thinks. I have arrangements with my friends regardless of what G may think or do. I suspect he will take his revenge somehow because although aware of his feeling she does utilise his emotions to repay me. Or am I being paranoid about that. Is this something that I know from my dad who wasn't quite as wily or from my mum who just stopped trying to change things. I don't know. It is ingrained into a deep groove in my psyche though.
So I need to get ashed and dressed and set off to pick up GB from hospital. I'm glad to be able to be of service to her. But it is an interruption from a non starter of my studies. All this week I have not been able to read in the mornings because of work!! I let it happen?

Bliss
XX

And acceptance is the answer to all my difficulties today

I had a lovely day yesterday with G. In fact that last couple of days have been lovely with him. Now I think he's been different but more importantly I've been different. I got to a point of once again accepting that I am jealous and in my jealousy comes pain. I am jealous over the possibility of what goes on between G and his friend D. He says it's not sexual and yet she makes passes at him. To me it's more than sex though and he doesn't seem to get that. She is his friend and he's so incredibly fond of her. A relationship takes more than sex. He told me he was able to have a sit down clear conversation with her when she asked why he gets so annoyed with her. He said that it hasn't been sexual for over 2 years and there's no reason it will be any different. He said he told her he is very fond of her and wouldn't want anything to happen to her. The surge of jealousy hit me at the fact that he sees it as a sexual thing only that makes it not a relationship. The daily seeing of each other and regular texting seems excessive if it's simply a fondness and friendship. I wonder if it will always be that way.
The thing is that I accept I am jealous and when I feel that way I want to change the situation so that it's suitable for me and not with any pain for me. But I have to accept not only how I feel but that it is this way. I do not have the right to control it in any way at all. A part of me, seeing how being light and breezy can alter the way things are between G and I, and suddenly even my attitude could be a means of manipulation. If I behave like this he'll be more inclined to drop her. That's terrible. I recognise as I am writing this here and now. It was there to see when talking with my sponsor but I didn't see it.
Instead acceptance of things just the way they are is so key. And then observe myself within the situation, try to behave with dignity and respect myself for instance I said that I felt very uncomfortable that G might decide to stay with D whilst her husband was away. I heard G say he was uncomfortable with it aswell but I didn't believe him. Anyway I just said I was uncomfortable. I extended that when he told me another day that he wanted to take her to a meeting and had agreed to visit and take her to the gardening centre. I realised I was trying to control that too. My main discomfort was the overnight stays. I was able to say that I was jealous and wanting to control him going there at all. But the reality is he's in her company most days out of sight of the husband. Basically he needs to do what he wants to do and all I have to do is keep observing and keep my own boundaries. If I really cannot accept it then I need to get out of the relationship. Sometimes I can accept better than other times. It's especially difficult when he gets grumpy and moody and is not good company at all and then seems to spend more time in silence with me and more time happier there.
This is G. He is up and down with his moods. He can be so over sensitive that I need to watch everything I say. The thing is I need to be me and see what happens. I do make blundering mistakes and ca be insensitive at times. I don't mean to be and hate it when my lack of mindfulness hurts him or indeed anyone. G's childhood makes me cry and angry with this society back then. I wonder if it's really terribly different now? I truly hope so. It puts my own thoughts about my childhood into the realms of insignificance really. More importantly my childhood situation is less of an issue for me. I truly believe that. It happened. I have had some confirmation of the way things were through family friends and indeed relatives. But it's all of little trauma today. My attitudes and behaviours and beliefs are still going to be guided by what happened but I think I have somewhat let go of the trauma. I wonder if the rage will have decreased a little more as a result too. I do hope so.
I feel more at ease this week. In fact on Friday morning I felt such utter serenity despite everything in the world. It is how it is and all I can do is turn away from negativity, be grateful for what I have and see what unfolds during the day. As I write that I can feel it now for me here today.
Then there is this sense of missing out and of loss that I can easily tap into. My friend was on a date on Saturday. I immediately became aware that I am with a man with no money and no prospect of money. He avoids working and when he does work it's not thorough. Yet is so good at the plumbing. It was enough to make me question the relationship again. To start collecting all that is wrong with it and want out yet thank goodness there are enough things that make me question that for us to then have such a lovely day.
Similarly, I have a morning of studying to do then G and I are going to explore more wild flowers and birds. We heard and saw nightingales yesterday. What a tremendous experience. Loud and variable songs. They are quite plain really. Larger than a robin I could determine that and simply brown. The tail was really flicking up as the bird sang. I wonder if I can download the recording here? Including G's belches!!!! I'll give it a go later on.
Anyway a friend has just commented on going to the beach. I suddenly have a craving for Brighton. But G would never go there. Too busy. I thought then I'd have to arrange to go with another friend. But that eats into G and I time which is limited by my full time work and my part time study. He has all week off doing little to doss around and I have minimal time for him and friends. I'd like for example to meet with M this afternoon but I also have committed to time with G. If I didn't have time with him I think he'd be off with D anyway. Hmm this is a fine balancing act. And difficult. He wants to be here so much to not be at his pit. I'm sure that with time this will become clear to me as well. How to balance the mix of things I like to do that he doesn't like to. Time with friends is very important to me as is time with G. If we could develop trust between us then I think this would be easy to organise. I am trying to put trust in him even though at times my jealousy rises.
Oh and then the immense sense of loss I have about the facility to travel. I want to be able to go to other places. There is the exotic through difference that I really crave. I am having a sense of it this morning. I want to go somewhere else - people and buzzing. A beach and shops. That's Brighton you see. And yet if I was there I'm sure it wouldn't hold the feeling that I am craving. I wonder if G and I could combine places this afternoon. If I were to take my dinner and some for him too then maybe we could go on a further adventure. A little bit of bluebell hunting and some other area of newness. Pulborough Brooks yesterday was lovely but ........ I would have liked to go into the RSPB bit but was restricted because of LouLou. G was very gracious about that.
So where can we go today. I have a desire for the sea.
I can contribute to the petrol if G would be happy to drive. I will offer that. We are both short of cash this month. I have ordered books on top of my very low spend ability this month. Silly me. Oh and next Saturday is Kirsty's birthday evening so I will need to buy a pressie. And have a meal out. I hope she chooses somewhere nice. I am still in my 90 days so technically should not be sharing and should not be eating out. I feel very much more secure with my food though. I will mention it to my sponsor,
And then there's my birthday.
I feel disappointed with M that she has booked up around the date knowing that my birthday is coming up. I'd like to say something but wonder if it's appropriate.

So where can we go today?

He's awake and up.

Bliss
XX
 

Reflections on DSE232

Well to begin with it seems overwhelming - this term VLE.I was expecting some specific piece of software and gradually through systematically reading trather than panic erratic reading, I'm realising this is an accumulation of skills in using technology.
So reading the instructions and following them is calming me down.
I do find the navigation and where to find relevant materials online a little daunting and I guess takes time to get used locations. I have experience of getting acclimatised in the past and this feeling of uncertainty always passes with practice.
I do tend to try and work it out by myself first and then ask when I get "stressed"but get a little daunted and the afraid that I will appear stupid and publicly because of the forum style questions.
I am getting over myself though and instead asking anyway.
It was interesting attempting to explain to a friend what I am studying. I had read the introduction but it had not sunk in what I am really studying and so thinking about what I am learning about what is normal forst all and how tat can be applied in say occupational psychology. What do I think now that I have reviewed what occupational psychology actually is. It is concerned with issues in the workplace including the perfomrance of people in the workplace.
So with regard to dyslexia for example I imagine that an occupational psychologist would be assessing what difficulties are arising for the individual and assess what is needed to support them. Perhaps the role is wrong for them? Wouldn't this be setting a prejudice in place?
And stress of course is a big concern for occupational psychologists in the work place. The employer in both circuymstances ie stress and dyslexia is expecting the very best possible performance and why should they make allowances for the individual? They are surely duty bound but are they according to employment law. So an occupational pscyhologist is probably required to know a little about emploment law. Everyone can cope with different levels of stress and this can vary too in the individual according to what else is going on thier lives.
Interesting musing these points already.
But then what will be learning about clinical, forensic and educational psychology and dyslexia and stress.
Understanding what they are is one thing - applying the different persepctives of applied psychology is what we are going to learn. Interesting.

This is now 2013 and that is another course I had to give up on. Bugger!!

Bliss
 

Decisions decisions

Is it me?
So this morning G knew that I was studying. He had already said that he would be dragging his heels before leaving and made comment about what time would I be intending on kicking him out? It's as if he's made a victim in all of this. Writing this I feel furious. It's a culmination of things really. He comes here and just stays and stays. He is welcome to feel at home but also he takes extreme liberties. He asks if he can stay as if he's a victim. Then when he's here he just makes things dirty and doesn't clear up after himself. He offered to wash up when I was about to start doing it and got quite cross when I said I would do it. I said then that I needed it done before 12:30. IUt stillw asn;t done so I started doing it. He was cross again and I said I needed it sone so would rather do it. Angrily he said "do it then!" as if I was in the wrong. Was I? I didn;t expect him to do it. It would have been nice if he had and even bothered to do it from time to time. He moans about making me cups of tea all the time but it's the only f....ing thing he does do. He worked out where we were going to walk but couldn;t drive us there because he didn;t have much petrol.
Then there's his situation ith D. He says they are just good mates. However, he acknowledged that she does come onto him especially when drunk. He gets cross when I ask questions and it seems to me he is angry coz the reality is exposed. He talks about it as if it's all okay. I doubt very much whether it would be all okay if it were the other way around. I do not expect nor want him to change things because I don't like it. On the contrary. If he was to alter the situation it would need to be because he wanted to. But as it is I don'tlike it. D wants him to stay this coming weekend when her husband is away. I said I do not feel at all comfortable with that and niether does he. But because I am a secret once again he would have to make up llies to explain why he can't stay. This isn't okay in my book. The entire situation is not respectful to me I don't think. Now he could probably swing that aroundsaying that I don't want to stop mny studying and our time is limited. There is some validity in that. It does interfere with social life. But it isn't in the secret. I don't have to lie to anyone including him about it. I am tied for time and want to put some effort where I haven't been until now.
I do make time for him. It's difficult for me to see the difference but it feels different.
This morning I said I didn;t have time to help him with his phone issues. Yet again he tries to talk whilst I am studying - and I have fiully informed him of my commitment. So when I asked him for help, which I might add he said he would help over the weekend, he said no he didn;t have time right now. I know it was a tit for tat, retaliation. Again no doubt feeling rejection or something. The f...ing victim yet again. Well his reponses are really quite nasty. And then he got agry and things were thrown around. His f...ing phone. When things don't work out for G he just gets really outrageoulsy angry. This behaviour truly is not nice. I get angry. I get raging. I am attempting to manage my behaviour better and remain dignified and also be respectful and conscious of other people. I wasn't in the past. So G is where he is but again it's whether I want to tolerate it or not.
Is it worth it? Is he thoughtfuol enough and interesting enough and nice enough? He is likeable, funny, intelligent, bright and so on. He has some spiritual path. But there are behaviours and attitudes that really are not acceptable to me. I wish he were just a friend and then there wouldn;t be all the nastiness which I believe will ensue if I do decide to end it. Even if he decided to end it I don't think he could be amicable. And surely that tells me a lot!!
What am I doing and why am I deliberating? Because I don't want to lose the things in him I do enjoy. Yesterday walking and him showing me places to see the cowslips. They were in abundance and there was A and I seeking them out last year as if they were a rarity. And all the names of things he just knows. I makes it so interesting to walk. The trees, the birds, the wild flowers. Wow how it's opened me up to even more beuaty that surrounds us. We walked through private land and he had worked it out on the maps. That's fantastic.
I have his maps downloaded. Can I retain those if I don't have his sign on. And some of them I have paid for too. Oh well let go of the money. Yet again I come out worse off financially. I leant him £240 for tyres which I still haven't received back when he assured me I would get it back. We'll see if he does when he recieves his back pay. Somehow I doubt I will see it ever again. I did remind him again recently.

Photos fromm yesterday.

 Field of cowslips

 Cuckoo Flower

 Leaf of Common Spotted Orchid

 Cowslip

 Cowslip

 Cowslip

 Cuckoo Flower

 Cuckoo Flower

 Cuckoo Flower

 

 Forget-me-not

 Forget-me-not

 Mayflower?

 

 Mayflower?

 Mayflower?

 Mayflower?

 

 Lords and Ladies leaf

 Natures Sculpture

 

 Holly - oh la la!

 Clock Tower (not too clear)

 Trespassing on private woods. I want my own!

 The navigator!

 Wood Spurge

Bliss
XX

Crumbs such as a Smile

With regard to the treatment centre job offer in Thailand, The timing isn't good for this kind if a move. I'm not unhappy where I am in anything just not terribly satisfied. More gratitude less wanting. Reading the big book this morning which I'm advised to read a couple if paragraphs chosen at random on a regular basis, I was reading about sex conduct - liked your link between accepting first smile from a man and similarly job. I did do that with G. Never think men will find me attractive so when one does I'm so shocked and flattered. Anyhow that's by the by. As I was reading it flirted through my mind how boring a person I'll be if I live by my principles. Used to think the same about drinking and drugging and even jobs and EVERYTHING - if I live as I believe then I WILL be boring. I worked hard at crossing my principles and the rules. I constantly have felt guilty and have been waiting to get caught. Funny thing is its me who caught me and I imploded. In fact drinking and drugging just relaxed my internal disciplinarian do that I could break my internal measure - and overcome my reservedness. It's not new information but sometimes it shines obvious and it's good to share it rather than just let these thoughts come and go. So the naughty, addictive, hedonistic me suddenly rose up. I thought "bloody hell, it will be boring not to toy with men from time to time." It's so insidious how this restless element to me manifests. I am glad of the awareness as in that moment I could also bring in the part if me that does want to be respectful, not give any cause to writes jealousy, suspicion or bitterness. I can live by the way I believe in and feel at ease with. There have even been times when I've forced encounters as a way of dealing with my own jealousy, suspicions and bitterness. Retaliation. And of course those feelings can be self induced, not based in any reality other than my own insecurity. I've made it all do complex and if course it became more and more complicated as the years went by. The escalation. Of course things are much simpler and less damaging when I started out. And then the line into compulsiveness was crossed at some point. I knew no other way at that point. But it's all fallen in and I'm very grateful I can be redirected. Not pure of thought but at least I'm making wiser choices. Just really wanted to externalise a moment of my thoughts. Thanks for reading this. All triggered by page 69-72. And not wanting to be driven by my self-centredness or what was a blinded desperate bid for survival in other words. Wanting to be guided by a more inner sense of decency - listen to my instincts more, and be mindful of others - gradually gradually waking up.

Bliss