Gordon's gone now too

A dutiful visit to Kent yesterday has left me very thoughtful. I am pleased that I made the effort to visit in respect of Uncle Gordon's death. I had been left with the dilemma of either asking for another day off work which wuld typically fall on a day of day care to attend the formal funeral today. Or not go to the funeral and feel een more estranged from my estrangement with my family. And then it became clear to me that I would be able to do both. And then even better I learnt that they were holding an informal service at 5pm.
And so I arranged to journey to Auntie O's and Uncle R's. I arrived at 3:30, having had the morning and lunch with ML. Poor her, her car broke down and then she learnt that she hadn't been offered the Job for which she attended the interview last week.
Anyway having spent an afternoon then chatting and listening to Auntie O and Uncle R we went to the service. A turned up at O&R's prior tot he service and kindly gave me some complimentary tickets for the V&A exhibition. That had been pre-arranged.
I sat and listened to them all really being judgemental and very critical with it of the family coming from Wigan. I am left wondering what on earth is said about me and also my mum, behind my back. They are not really kind thinking people. It's highly critical in a very condemning way. I didn't like the fact that I chipped in with one or two snippets of my own versions of criticism. I wonder if they say these things with any meanness behind it or just like us all, it's with our own issues driving it all. I have compassion enough to see that I suppose. And the other good thing is that I am learning to not be so flipping judgemental at the same time as being judgemental if you know what I mean. I have been praying ever since I sat there asking You God to remove this defect from me. I don't see any useful purpose.
I am also left wondering what it is this thing called family. I sat there in the evening with a few of them around me feeling very distant from them. I see how I have kept people shut out and yet I sort of want to belong as well. I try and yet sit there feeling different. It's odd. And I think I have always had this weird feeling of knowing them and feeling connected but feeling on the outside too. Is it my doing? Or is it real? The thing is what really makes it different from sitting around with any  other bunch of people. I don't understand  what it is about the neurons firing that might have that sense of family. I don't have the depth of belonging that I think I ought to have and perhaps they seem to have. I wonder if they do. Is it just a sort of duty thing for them too or nosiness or what is it? I have more sense of beining elsewhere I think. But then again do I? I can gradually eel a part of something as I spend more and more time with people or say particular AA meetings. But I an easily leave again. Is it me? It's a cmmon theme in AA, feeling different, as if not belonging even within the family.
I need to go to work but I think there is more for me to write on this. Especially as I see how I complained about my dad rebuking me for so long. But I didn't let him in. Afraid I guess of being hurt and pushed out I wasn't able to let my dad close yet would moan about him shutting me out. It was both of us. I want to changed God. Please help me. I do not want to regret the next death I regret not knowing more about Uncle Gordon or any of them. He seemed a very nice man but I had never found that out for myself apart from a brief talk with him earlier this year.
I hear how negative Uncle R is about everyone. I used to think he was so cool. I wonder what happened. I understand how hurt he must be for losing his daughter, my cousin. She was only 41 years odd. Now 2 years ago since her death. How very very odd.
Off to work

Bliss

Secret of the Sugar Man

I’m finding it tricky because I am having a period of grandiosity. By this I mean I am better than my colleague at our job. I am judging our differences as him being not as good as me. I keep acknowledging that his clients love him. After all he can appear as if he is giving, giving, giving. But I find him controlling and thinks he knows how someone is thinking and feeling. We makes guesses on what’s going on for a person when we discuss them but PD doesn’t go about finding out, he assumes what he thinks is correct and then tells people what they need to do. He thinks he is being reflective. Furthermore, he thinks that people just need to sort put the issues and these are the reasons why people drink or drug or whatever addiction they present with. PD does not focus at all on powerlessness. I make this guess that it’s because he doesn’t understand it himself and thinks that if he could sort out his problems he wouldn’t be eating like he is. It will look that way too because when things were looking up PD really was controlling his food again. He says it’s his version of recovery and he couldn’t do what I’m doing. In fact I’ll go so far as to say he can often sound debasing about the way I eat. Yet he will ask me about it and then say that’s pretty much what I’m doing. He says he couldn’t live with the strictness of it because he likes to eat out. Typical PD, it’s all got to be in his control. I find him really controlling. I’m not slating him because of the food. I thought the same to be honest. When people have mentioned in the past weighed and measured food, I’ve balked at it and them. I’ve thought of them as not being in recovery and that it is merely control. Gosh! How differently I think about this now. Now I see this weighed and measured food as abstinence and the very cleanliness of my food ad freshness is all a part of the freedom rather than the opposite I once thought. So I understand him. I had a lot more investigation to do within my so-called freedom to do what I wanted with my food and get it under control. As A in Scotland said, I’ve had all the exploration to try and find a different way but none of them worked. Now I wonder if I had the support would it have worked if everyone was doing the same. A little like ML, attending “Fat Club”, the can eat what they like within a boundary and then there is the gathering of them. I don’t know if they are then encouraged to contact each other or not but they are all on a common cause so it could work. I don’t believe though that for me I could control the intake of sugar and flour and quantity. If I have those foods I truly believe that I cannot stop one I start. There were times when it would build up slowly but it always ended in one place, especially towards the end. If I made a rule of puddings only when eating out I became preoccupied with the idea of eating out. I’d feel a frenzy about choice because I wanted it all. And gradually there would be extra puddings at home. When I worked at the P, the food was so unhealthy; I’d look forward to the stodgy lunches with chips and things and then a pudding every day. I couldn’t help myself even when I was trying to but mainly I had given up trying by that time. I felt a helpless case. Yet still I turned my nose up at the regime when TH told me she had been directed to this fellowship called FA. I couldn’t imagine being so narrow-minded about my food. It irritates me now when I can hear that’s how people are thinking. It’s as if they are criticising me. I was making judgments about the person, that they are extremely controlled and how can that be recovery? Quite damning and so I suspect I am thinking that’s how people are thinking about me and I don’t like it. With AB I often feel she is mocking me. I try to put it aside but deep inside it hurts. There are those that don’t make judgments and barely notice. That’s so nice.

The big point here is not about whether or not my food is the right way or not. For me it has been. For so many reasons, which I won’t go into right now because it’s a digression from what I want to say. See how I’m meandering around the subject. What troubles me is this. I spend so much time thinking about what this person or that person is thinking or judging or doing. I am comparing them or me as an almost way of being. I don’t like this about myself. I want to be accepting of people how they are without making critical judgments. Perhaps to be inquisitive yes. But to be damning them in my thoughts all the time, I find ugly. I think negatively of a lot of people. And I am always comparing myself favourably or unfavourably which is not good for my psyche. This will also manifest itself in some ways. Unconsciously this will show in my behaviour or attitude. At work PD said that I seemed detached. I felt judgmental but I don’t say anything. Why don’t I say anything? Because I have nothing positive to say and don’t want to hone in on the negative all the time. But this leaves me just feeling as if things are wrong.

An example? Well PD has designed a New Year’s card to send out to clients and our mailing list.

 

It has humour but to be honest I think it’s not really funny, it’s more in poor taste. I think it would be funnier to do something taking the mickey out of him and I. This is more a laugh at the alcoholic. Now we are alcoholics but the clients don’t look at us in that way. I don’t think I put this message across actually. I said that I thought it would be funnier to mock therapy in some way but didn’t have a real formulation in my mind in the way I’ve just expressed there.

The problem is it’s PD’s business. I don’t agree with a lot of his approaches and there are lots of things I do agree with. His expectation of business seems to me to be naïve. And of course I realise how little he actually knows about anything outside of the P. I don’t know much but have a little broader experience because I’ve worked in other places. I knew for example that the referrals from the NHS sectors was never going to happen on a weekly basis. But he naively thought it would be like that. Also he hadn’t considered the type of people who are generally being treated by the NHS, The are the less fortunate in many ways and suffered because of a lower standard of education and also a different attitude to life. He thinks the environment at Provi for example s great. He doesn’t see the majority of people not really wanting to be there. PD really needs to go and spend some time in groups there and live amongst them. He says he only eve has known success of the people he has sent there. Talk to the people that have been there and there is a very low success rate. How can I argue with him as he sees success. I wonder who he means. I can think of T who relapsed, J. I have not idea what happed to M but he had referred himself, however I think we put him in touch in the first place. R is a success and D is a semi success but I would find it difficult to find anything positive about. Another person I’ve condemned verbally. Eventually my intent to stay only with positive comments about G turned to criticisms and blame, I’ve done it about ML and ET and I’ve thought it about AM and SW and AB and GB and KM and just about everyone I know. I think negatively about some people in FA, most people to be honest. All the time I am criticising. ON and on as they are talking and being. I find

Recently someone new to me said "what you see is what you get". I find this interesting. It's true of everyone but there is an element of that that says and that's that! By that I mean there's no room for manoeuvre and therefore if something doesn;t gel don;t bother talking about it because this is me and there's no negotiation. It's a fait a complis. Like it or leave it. Now there is blane in this iof course. Being oneself is critiucal but being able to negoituate the gap between two people is how compromise is met and thereofre connectedness. Surely? It means this is it and so don;t bother to say what does or doesn't please or displease you. It's fixed and you know it so if you want to stay connected it's all on my terms. I find this quite a barrier to compromise and connectedness. Howevver, it says what it says on the paket and if I don't like it cheerio and move on. I also think it takes all sorts and tehrefore there is nothing to criticise. Accept and move on or accept and stay on.
So how to jjst acept everyone I know as they are and be able to say how I react and respond witout being critical and expecting change or not say anything and just let people be as they are. This is the lesson for me.
Can I stay working for someone who I don;t agree with at the leel of their philosophy, their very core belief and therefore dictates their approach? But then if I work for anyone would be we ever completely be in accorance with one another (I always think that should be one and other).

well it's ( am and I decided I would start cleangin and tidying in preparation for ML's arrival. Someone I am crtical of. SWe are off to an exhib ion in Eastbourne. It'll take a couple of hurs to get there. We are leaving after lunch so whether we get there at all will be interesting. And then going for a mooonlit walk from the Seven Sisters national park car park. Something I said to G to be there come what may. It would be amazing if he actually did turn up but I very much doubt it. If he did I might just love him forever. I decided upon this over a year ago. And I invited him to meet me there come what may between us. He is too angry a man I suspect to even consider it but having made the appoitment I shall go come way may but I'll have ML with me. It would ruin the moment with her being there if he should turn up. I doubt he even made a note of it.
I did. And I remember - old romantic that I am.

Bliss
xx

 

 

Broken Bits

Pity really that because of my job there will be associations with your broken bits projected onto me the person. I'm not working when I'm living my life. I'm interested in people and some of those people with hang ups about therapists seem to think if I ask a question or say something in a particular way I'm trying to "give them therapy". My last partner would scream at me that I was being a therapist when I asked what he'd like to do but because he was in a bad mood I'd get it in the neck for being a therapist. Thank goodness there are friends who've had therapy who don't think that about me and we can just relax and be ourselves. And I'm not closed down to the idea that at times I can fall automatically into that but have friends who are able to let me know if they sense that might have happened. I trust them as they don't have this fear that EVERYTHING I say might be therapy. To be truthful what the heck is therapy anyway. For me it's usually someone who wants to come and talk about their issues. Sometimes they want another take on things sometimes not. Generally they need affirmation that they are doing the right thing for themselves or are not. Sometimes there's a bit of educational info I can provide that might throw some light one something. And other times just simply being open and honest is enough to restore a little faith really. It always amazes me that people want to see me ad even recommend me. I am just little ol me with all my faults and behaviours and experiences or lack of. I do my best.
When people think about themselves and their own hang-ups first before blaming others I am impressed. I work towards this but am far from arrived in anything. I'm much improved in my approach to life and everything. I like this growth and put in the effort to keep getting more.
I want to be honest, open, caring, friendly, respectful, accountable, reliable, dependable, loving, trustworthy and so o. I enjoy a growing peace having known my own version of hell. I can be vulnerable and still be okay. Not everyone needs to know every detail about me but I trust. I have a personal blog that goes back some years. There's a lot of information in there that might shock a few people, others not. It's not written for general sharing but it's online nonetheless. I do not advertise it anywhere. A few people have read it. It's there though. I doubt it's entirely honest all the time but it's the truth to the best of my ability of events and thoughts as they've occurred. A lot of the time it's very boring. I don't write all the time. There are times when it's been regular and a salvation. At other times it's the last thing I want to do. I need to write some thoughts out but don't want to face them right now so my blog has been untouched for a while. I've written this morning to a friend about my food addiction at its worst as she's struggling and I've decided to put that on my blog as a reminder to myself for the times when I falter. That has been a place of hell. Worse than alcohol? Worse than drugs? Possibly. Certainly it's been with me since a little girl. It was my salvation way back then. It turned on me in the end. So I'm cautious yes. If people are offended by that I'm sorry. But like you say this is me. Accept me as you find me if you can. I work to try and accept people as I find them. The nature of things means people evoked emotions in other people. Dealing with that is the way forward for me. Just accepting that is a daily helpful reminder and to love anyway.
The other day an intuition paid money for something I did. I did for convenience of myself and was not expecting pay, in fact I benefited so much from it as to save me money in the first place and wasn't entirely truthful in the first place. So to get money has thrown me. The reason why? Well because I am pretty low on funds. It's a life choice. Therapy doesn't pay well. And it's more expensive by the day to live here on a salary the government consider to be the average. It means there's not much than lean times. But I am glad to pay my bills and afford food and the occasional book or trip to galleries etc. It's enough even though I want more and hanker after a much more exotic and luxurious lifestyle I one had. I long to be able to travel again like I used to. It can actually feel painful the loss feels so great! However, I practice gratitude and I have plenty, abundance of all I actually need. I sidetrack. Although it's vaguely related with the financial situation. So this money has arrived. I have needed to buy new tyres and get my car MOT'd. My car is not too much of an option really. I live in a remote-ish village (by UK standards) where there is no public transport. Things worsen in this country by the day instead of improving (in my opinion at least. And that's not denying that things are far better here than many other places in the world. But we are regressing instead of developing). Anyway, this money has arrived and I want to give it back BUT I also don't. It would make it really so much easier financially for me. It's not a huge amount to a wealthier person but a small fortune in a way. The point I'm making is that I want to be decent and honest and yet I want to be less financially insecure just for a month. I'm really torn between my conscious and my insecurity. This is an example of a work in practice. There would have been a time when I wouldn't have even had that second thought. I would certainly have thought I should return this. Because it's an institution as well that's a way I can more easily justify it. If it was an individual I knew there would be no argument and the money would have been returned instantly.
I'm telling you this manly because it's another person who knows my conscience and hopefully I will follow it. So this morning, as it's a day off work I have plenty of time to make the call and tell them I don't need paying, that it was not work and more helpful to me than to them and ask how to get the money returned. Eek!!
Right I feel energised to go off ad do that right now!
Ciao

Reith Lecture 2013 Grayson Perry - Democracy Has Bad Taste. Just some notes

Reith Lectures

Marcel DuChamp – aesthetic delectation is the thing to be avoided.  The idea of beauty is a construct. Proust said we only see beauty when looking through an ornate gold frame. All we really want to take a photograph off on holiday is to recreate the picture we’ve seen in the brochure. Art? Beauty words result in a sucking of teeth. Victorian narrative paintings – why? Very English, social history, costumes, historical. Tried to justify them.

Grayson Perry said something that happens to me. When I like something off the social norm or style of the time I have to go through all sorts of contortions to justify why I like it. But then when things start to become popular or fashionable, suddenly I’m no longer kooky and it looks as if I’ve just jumped on the bandwagon of liking popular things.

Sceptical of finding an empirical way of finding a measure of quality.

Venetian Secret  - Titian etc had a formula for painting the ideal of beauty. A painter painted this formula but it was a hoax.

Formula had decent non-offensive idea. Time sit by the number of studios in existence divided by the number o art dealers. This gives the number of oligarchs and world art buyers. Ha ha ha

Art is an asset class. Big lump of cash on the wall. Or Art for Art’s sake.

Art will always be tied to money either state or market money.

You will never have a great art career unless your work fits in the elevator of an office block in New York!!

A big painting costs more than a small painting. Not necessarily because it’s better it’s just bigger.

Red paintings always sell best followed by white blue green black. But it’s also a red painting that’s been validated. But who validates? Who decides what is good art?

Artists teacher curators the media the public dealers etc. A consensus of good art.

An artists artist – Grayson Perry. Support from artists.

Worst review. “If I had a hammer” (Grayson Perry’s pots) His first review
I liked that he seemed unashamed that he doesn't make pots for poor people. He said they go for what they go for now and wuoed lots of mmoney. But added that you used to be able to get a pot for a weeks salary. That's the time to invest in art of course.

Kudos fro a heavy weight critic is a must not a weak one or a flipper i.e. someone who buys to sell on for more.

Good dealer brand – powerful effect on reputation and their former job of placing the art creates a buzz.

The public – mid-1990’s more media attention. Popularity is a dodgy quality. Celebrities are turned away by dealers. But if loads of people come to shows these days it’s measureable and also justifies the funding.

Museum quality? Validation at the top level is the curator. The Popes of art.

Power bound by a code of ethics. They cannot collect for themselves in the field they overlook in their life. The price of art goes up when Tate put on a show. So the curator could up the value of their own collections.

Academia may say it’s all too dry and heavy and so worthy. Or its so cheesy.

God help you if you’re popular.

Bestows upon the work a patterna – hums in conversation, and the reputation that passes through time.

Anointed at with quality that collects a patterna over time.

 

Language protects or condemns. Social views.

The magazine suffered of the wrong kind of readability.

Discourse and meta-discourse on what is said and what is not said. Etc etc. A wall text that did not mean very much at all.

A language analyser of the art English. It has a lack of nouns.

Visual becomes visuality. Potential becomes potentiality.

A metaphorical sea-sickness. Everyone wanted to seem serious about art.

The non-fluent may eel uneducated. And not able to express opinion because of not having the language.

Consumerism gets involved but art works are really a luxury good. Louis Vitton shop in the gallery selling bags within the art installation. They are luxury goods.

Art is an extension of the Ferrari and designer bag. Banks recognise the asset of art. Vault spaces for Silver Wine Art and Gold – SWAG

Participatory art – blind people in military uniform soliciting the crowd for sex.

Pop up Thai café

Quality is a contested word. Have to buy into the language of the elite.

It’s problematic to judge the work. Can’t say it’s dull but then told not understanding on the right terms

Do we judge against policies, reality TV? What do we do with art that doesn’t have validation.

Popularity – Democracy has bad taste.

Art in museums and galleries – how does it get chosen and end up there.

Enough of the right people think it’s good

Alan Bennett said – you don’t have to like it all.

Although we live in an era when everything can be art, not everything is art.

Audience of specialists – and non-specialists questions

Does democracy have bad taste?

Democracy has bad taste to what do you account for your own success?

Too middle brow. Good taste is sort of works within a tribe. In the artwork tribe they have the same values which aren’t in the bigger wider audience Join the tribe knowing that

Own tastes? What inspires.

Popular? Horror word. Also the group of people you need to like your work . Are there people you are terrified like your art in case then you are a failure

Trendies are the ones. If they like it it means there is an inevitability of becoming unfashionable.

Teasing in a way if the public like your work. When it ends up in say the Tate it’s not there because of the public. It’s a gradual consensus that forms over time as it’s seems and bought around the world.

Giving an exhibition is more important that what the public have thought before that.

Cast of validators. Top of the league is the curator

 

GP says he thinks we can get hung up on the uniqueness.

 

What would you take as a present of a piece – Breugel – Hunters in the Snow?

 

Progression to Calgary. - GP would want this one

 

There’s probably a tea towel as it’s that popular. Fantastic choice

Art as in fine art – more anger than any other arts ie theatre, music etc.

People get really cross going to art galleries. People think they are being fooled.

If someone expects to understand art straight away – it takes time sot get to understand. Emotionally and spiritually engage takes time. Intellectually is much quicker.

Principles not Personalities. Observing not War

If someone behaves negatively towards you, it helps to remember that he or she is a human being like you and to distinguish between an action and the person who does it. If counter measures are needed to prevent someone doing harm, it's always better to do it with a calm rather than an agitated mind. If you act out of anger, the best part of your brain fails to function. Remember, compassion is not a sign of weakness.

This is something I need to remember and practice. Often I simply need to keep my mouth closed and observe.
I often become the spokesman when I see someone attacking someone else. And in turn I become the target. I think there is a different way.
I have a great example of doing this.
Last year, around January or February 2012 LK was going off for some days and SH was insisting that we need cover in her absence. I didn't agree actually. But I saw a battle going on with a woman who simply wasn't listening to her staff member. I had already had enough dealings with her to know that she was bloody minded and a bully. Although I find it difficult to determine bullying. But something in me became the protector so inside I felt that SH was being bullied. I started speaking out about needed cover despite me thinking that SH was worrying too much. So LK did listen to me and went and insisted we had cover. That cover was PD. He questioned immediately why we had cover. I didn't own the fact that I ha insisted and incidentally neither did SH. PD went straight off and complained to the manager. On LK's return she got into trouble and in turn came to the office asking why this had happened. She had indeed acted in good faith on my say-so. I didn't own it even then. The superhero turns coward.
As a result and rightly so LK could not trust me. I understand that. And that was embedded into her from that moment on. Then everything became a battle and she wasn't ever going to listen to me.
As time went on I kept practising keeping y mouth shut. I do not need t be the hero and defender. But there is a fine line. Knowing when to observe and when it's appropriate to step in. IN that case I can see the drives; my dislike for LK being one of the biggest motivators. But also I do always get this sense that I need to stand against the apparent super power even when I don't believe in the cause. I think this is the part of me that cannot stand up for myself, not wanting to see someone being persecuted. It's the injustice and in my powerlessness I "big-up" but really it's falsely harnessing rage.
It's not courage.
The courage would be in observing and mindfully deciding on what needs to be done. IN that particular circumstance I know that SH is perfectly capable of standing up for herself and in fact I would have been better off either keeping quiet or speaking my own truth, i.e. that we would be fine with a proviso that if it was becoming unmanageable we could call upon PD for cover. We would have been just fine.
But there are times when people do need defending. Ad it's on those occasions I am afraid and don;t have courage. It's not rage I harness but quiver int he fear. It's in those times that I need to embrace my HP and ask for the strength and guidance to do whatever is necessary.

Lots to learn

However, this is slightly off topic although involves the concept of listening to the message not identifying it with the messenger. Sort of anyway.
Do I have an example of this recently. I do it all the time, making judgements on people and theroefore make assumptions about what is being said. If I like someone they could say the same as someone I don;t like  but I'd have a different attitude between them. That's why I like the 12th Tradition with the idea of principles not personalities. Listen to what's being said, hav compassion for every human being. Understand that my intolerance or impatiene is mine mot anythign to do with them#I have been having difficulties for esample with A who makes serious judgements about a meeting I attend regularly. She doesn't agree with the way it runs. I don't like the way she operates and find her bullying in her manner. Hmm there's a connection. Anyway as a result I do not value anything she contributes. I listen to her with a cynicism. And I have listend to gossip about her because it adds fuel to my already cynical thoughts about her.
And so  I need to simply observe and not be stand offish or rude. I can engage removing preconceptions and negative judgements. Love her for who she is. Hearing a aprt of her story I can understand there are influences that have left her vulnerable. And I feel for her on that level.
I need to keep remembering to put aside gossip I've heard although I find that difficult. The fact that there are diffrences in our approach to things adds to the colour of life. There is not ONE way and certainly not my way is THE way. Things do work for me but there's lots of things that are not working and need more input on my part. Studying comes to mind again!
I am imperfect and that's all that metters not enayone else's imperfections. I even imagine that she is out to destroy the meeting, reading further into her comment that there are too many meetings anyway and that's why some are failing. It may be true. But all the time there one or two of us wanting to attend then it can keep going. If that doesn't happen, well so be it. Just ebcause she doesn't like it doesn't meant o say that others of us don't.
I will try and find someone to do a chair there and I will attend the Intergroup as GSR until we get some people with recovery who would like to take on commitments. If L wats to do teas and coffess that'll be a great start as she's friendly and warm. If J needs to keep attending well so be it for the time being. Maybe some time he'll move on from the women's meeting. In the meantime it's great that he's attending a meeting. For the new newcomer she doesn't know any different and isn't complaining. It;s only those of us that want it to be all women that klnow any difference coz it's been singel sex for the majority of the time.
So thre we are . It's not just about a she it about groups and things and anything. Things are just the way they are. Perhaps there are situations when I have to assert myself to ensure there is no harm but it's discerning when that is. If I am boudnried then nothing can harm me because I'll be looking after me and show people that they too can look after themselves. I can be oer protective. I want to rescue because I am actually rescuing myself, the child within me who still feels dreadfully scared and alone. I am not alone I have adult me and my HP. HP please guide me and give me strength. Thank you.



Bliss
XX

Time or Goal Not Both

God please guide me to learn what I need to know. Give me the strength
FEAR False Evidence Appears Real

If I think I've got to get it right then I don't do it at all. Procrastination.
This involves fear and avoidance of facing what I might not be able to do or can't do perfectly. what I have to do plus some laziness. I want the time for nice, leisure things just for me. I've always been like that. Preferring doing other things without applying myself to education that requires discipline. Tch!

If I just do a block, either time or goal not both then I can

Time before work whatever happens. 15 minutes regardless of everything else after .....
5.00am - wake up
5.05am - Pilates
5.30am - wash, shower, dress, dry hair.
5.45am - final food prep
5.50am - quiet time
6.15am - breakfast
6.30am - call with sponsor
6.45am - leave for work
7.45am - receive call from Richard
8.00am - arrive work
8.10am - study
8.30am - start work

Okay this morning I am working on a block of work - getting the Results and Discussion sections completed. I will take a break for lunch when these are done. Then after lunch I will work on the introduction until it's done.
Tomorrow then I will read a chapter and take notes for revision

Sounds like a plan.

Amazing how I feel hungry and already am 10 minutes later than committed to start time.

Getting on with it after making a cup of Three Ginger tea from Pukka. Who were incredible at sending me a box after getting dreadfully fed up with at least one bag per box being perforated and bits falling into the water. I'm still experiencing it and as I drink a lot during the day this become expensive. They are £2.30 per box after all. Disappointing.

Bliss
xx





 

Creations out of Creations - Poetry

Much have I travelled in the realms of gold,

And many goodly states and kingdoms seen, (John Keats – On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer)

But still I long to learn (Alison Chisolm)

tales, marvellous tales,

Of ships and stars and isles where good men rest, (James Elroy Flecker – The Golden Road to Samarkand)

How others fought to forge my world. (Alison Chisolm)

What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape? What wild ecstasy? (John Keats – Ode on a Grecian Urn)

How far the unknown transcends the what we know. (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - Nature)

We are the music-makers, And we are the dreamers of dreams, (Arthur O’Shaughnessy – Ode)

Step forward, (Walter Savage Landor - Interlude)

To feel the blood run through the veins and tingle

Where busy thought and blind sensation mingle. (Percy Bysshe Shelley - Fragment)

Come, my friends, ‘tis not too late, (Alfred Lord Tennyson - Ulysses)

For we are the movers and shakers

Of the world for ever, it seems; (Arthur O’Shaughnessy – Ode)

To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield. (Alfred Lord Tennyson – Ulysses)


Care of BBC 2's Cento
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00vztlb/profiles/cento