What do I do best?

I'm doubting therapy. After years of it for myself and now years of working in it, I'm doubting it. We are just people who don't know anything supporting people in the shit! It's all techniques devised from people who have looked into people and the way we are and making assumptions and stuff but know nothing really. I'm fascinated by people and what we do and how we do it. But therapy is just people thinking they can help people. And I can listen and love and just be there for people but I cannot solve things for them. There are techniques to help support trauma and anxiety. Some people prescribe pills, some people prescribe CBT, some people prescribe treatment programmes. But every person is different. For addiction there are different ways individuals find to manage their lives and I sit in all honesty not knowing which is the best way for a person and yet there are psychiatrist and therapist who are very set I. What they think is he right way and then opposing views, neither of which come to any agreement. And I sit in a session with a client listening to them try to keep control and if they can why not? And on,y when they can't and can finally see that they can't will they go to radical lengths of abstinence.
I'm having a bit of a crisis I suppose. Questioning what I do and it's real worth.
It leaves me scared because I also love doing what I do and clients appreciate the time to sit and talk about themselves whilst they seek ways to feel better. The best I can do is listen and probe with them but I have this preconception that ultimately they have to learn how to abstain and then they will need support and then the 12 step fellowship is the support that's best.
What do I know? I do know it's been a miracle for me, turning my life around and continues to do so. I'm not even sure I was an alcoholic and yet I can see how drink and drugs were certainly controlling my life but I think I was f...ked up anyway. How or why is not really clear.
I've become a little worried recently as when shopping I've had some loud and more regular than I've had for the past 2 1/2 years of "fuck it". I even sniffed K's alcohol bottles whilst there just to see if I liked the smell. The rum smelt full of sugar. I could smell alcohol and to be honest didn't particularly like the smell. I didn't want to drink it and I didn't want to feel drunk. I do like the idea of a good bottle of wine.
So if I don't practice in therapy God, what do I do? What is my purpose.? I would really like some guidance. I absolutely trust it will be some clear. I think I'm tired of me and tired of travelling and tired of me in conflict with P. He says and does many wonderful things. He also is very directive and I get so irritated when he shuts down feelings. What is that in me God? I'd like to understand me better I suppose. Perhaps I cannot grow whilst I'm attempting to support growth in others. What do I do now God?
I genuinely want to be helping people out of their troubles. Whatever role can I have within that? I also don't want to be so low on money. And I do not there are poorer people than me. I have so much.
I'm feeling low about the way I keep my surroundings. I'd like it to be very different. Minimalist. Clean. I'd like it all white and floaty curtains. Everything out away in neat compartments and organised. Yet I don't want to get rid of things I have that belonged to my mum. Yet they are not in the right place here. I'd like the carpets all gone and the moths to all depart. It's the same feeling with the moths as there was with the mice. They are ruining things and they have control. I have too much stuff and too little space to clear everything out so that I can do the thorough clean required. I'm lazy about this too.
So God what do I do next? I know You'll show me as and when it's appropriate. I am not bolting. I am continuing to show up. However I just have no ideas. Oh do I go for the Priory job? I know I need to write to Lifeworks and tell them I'm actually no longer interested but what do I say after having expressed interest and chased them up.
What do I say and do next God? I need patience and trust that all will become clear.
Am I just in another I'm bored stage and flipping out? The grass is greener type thing?
I hope not but even if I am perhaps that's just my path.
Who knows what's right and therefore I'm finding it difficult to be I. An environment where it's the thing to advise people what's right for them. I'm too influenced by P and a desire to get people better rather be along side them whilst they find their way to feeling better.

Bliss
Xx

That was wrong of me.

Thank you God I can see.
I'm not clear what to do now so please guide me so that I can do only the bests for other people.

What can I see? My part in the flow of things. It gets clearer and I hope it's clearer for good so long as I keep working away at my spiritual recovery.
Okay what I see is this, my part in the flow of interactions and specifically I will refer to Friday. I hope not to bore in the process as it's connected with dear ol' PD and work. I am a constant critic of PD's style. I think he's directive and shuts people down. It irritates me, sometimes infuriates me and I think because for so long I was shut down and I shut people down and now I am learning that people have their feelings. And yet there I was in this little process not liking his anger. Actually he said "I am fucking furious".
Okay details. We were in group and I had suggested that a peer ask his group what they thought of him. Some people are forthcoming and expressed their thoughts, others need encouragement to share. Whilst those who won't easily share were quiet PD jumped in and started telling the person what they needed to think and feel, which irritates the hell out of me, but also was not encouraging the others to share their considerations of this persons question. And so I interrupted him basically because I was feeling angry with him for not seeing it. I saw his flash of fury and then stay shut down for the rest of the group. After the group when we usually sit down and process, he didn't want to discuss anything. He said right then I have to get on as R is arriving. I was surprised and asked about processing the group to which he said no was there anything I thought needed processing and i said yes loads. He said such as. And I said well you seemed angry, which was the point when he said he was fucking furious. I was immediately shocked at the extent of his fury but also understood. It's great because I also wanted to shut down his anger but didn't entirely. He said he didn't want to talk about there and then so I said okay, and he he went onto to say that I am de-skilling him and  we're working at different levels here and it's not okay. He's right. And I can see how my thoughts and feelings about his style are coming out in my practice. I create a friction between us that the group will pick up on.He is right and was wrong in this action I took. What I need to do is after the group talk about my feelings about interactions. I often feel angry when a client is just expressing their feelings and PD starts telling them what to do. But as my sponsor says I need to focus on the clients reaction to PD and not work against him instead work with what he presents and keep aware of my emotions and how I respond with them. I have been reacting to emotions not fully acknowledging them and instead becoming the protector of the clients emotions. This is great to see.
Now I need to make amends. I will say to PD tomorrow that he was right in what you've picked up and it was wrong of me.
I have to let go of wanting him owning his part in things. I just say my amends and that's it and listen.
And speaking with S, I can be light about it and say, that was wrong of me on Friday and I'm  really sorry.
That was wrong of me and I am sorry. That's all it takes.
An the other area of growth and self-awareness is that I need to start saying during the processing of the groups that I was feeling angry about xxxx, and see what happens.
Oh God thank you for showing me, for opening my eyes more and more

Bliss
XX

Eating the black pot

I write this with trepidation of my honesty.

On Friday evening, I one again attended the meeting to face my "somethings" with certain personalities. I write somethings because I'm not clear on me emotions surrounding these personalities but know that the 12th tradition focuses on principles not personalities. Week after week I've been going along with a view to learning about me with certain personalities. I can see similarities with K & C, they are a couple, and L(ex-Priory, please note the ex bit), PD and my dad. They are rude and abusive and I feel overwhelmed by them, afraid and angry all at the same time. I get confused, not knowing if it's me that's THE problem or them. And I now often think of Gregory Bateson since my friend JdB introduced me to him.

"... the behavior of person X affects person Y, and the reaction of person Y to person X’s behavior will then affect person X’s behavior, which in turn will affect person Y, and so on. Bateson called this the “vicious circle”. He then discerned two models of schismogenesis: symmetrical and complementary. Symmetrical relationships are those in which the two parties are equals, competitors, such as in sports. Complementary relationships feature an unequal balance, such as dominance-submission (parent-child), or exhibitionism-spectatorship (performer-audience)" Wikipedia, accessed 26th May 2014

So, it has been my intention to understand what behaviour I exhibit that affects person Y. Weeks and weeks ago now, a person came along to the meeting and put to the conscience the idea of changing the format. My first little resentment was set in place  but I kept it in check because ..... because it was the gracious thing to do., despite not really feeling the good grace. And so everyone went about drumming up support resulting in K&C coming along and taking over. Literally, they took over, I was insulted when they suggested that there was no one there with any length of sobriety. I said that I had 12 years and they overlooked that and one or the other, K I think said something along the lines of real sobriety, i.e. 20 years or more. It really infuriates me how they think they are so f'ing superior. I find it so ugly. But also because it puts me down. No humility in me either then!! I do laugh at myself. I refer to the idiom "the pot calling kettle black". And so as not to beat myself up, I remind myself that these are the very things I continued to show up for, to learn about me.

Resentments growing, at another meeting K made a statement to me "aren't you giving up your treasury service?" To which I responded "No!". And afterwards I thought about it, not wanting to really attend the meeting anymore and also not liking doing the treasury and regularly messing it up without ever telling anyone, I decided that yes I would hand in the service after all. And so, as is often the case, I added it all up at the last minute and where it didn't tally I made it tally. I walked in and angrily handed it over to K without so much as your leave and glad to be rid of it and any more pressure from him. Ha! I thought there you go, now it's all yours. Or so I thought. The next time I saw him he pointed out to me smugly that the money didn't balance and it was £4 something under. I was annoyed that he was smug and pointing out my error. I was embarrassed too. As what he doesn't know is that none of it balanced and so I made it fit together. So last week when he accused me of taking AA's money, he could be right or wrong. I am adamant though that it is an error and he is just being a f'ing nasty bully. How he behaved in the meeting this week however, was rather unnecessary. He was openly accusational and then mocking in a tantalising manner. I am pleased that I did not respond. I asked for a conscience with a view to come to a solution that was agreed by the group not K. 

The way in which he behaved finally made my decision for me and that is not to return to the meeting. I have witnessed K & C upset too many people. I have taken this personally and I realise not because of him but because of my own part in this. It has taken me a little while to really own it and see it but yesterday it became clear.

My sponsor this morning said to consider with God if I return the money or not. I have decided I will. But more importantly I want to call and offer an apology to K for the way in which I handed the treasury over. I will say that and add that it as wrong of me to hand it over in the way that I did without going through it and that it was done with bad attitude as I was angry with him. 

The difference is a mathematical mistake and I have been embarrassed by the mistake. I do not owe the money as I have not taken the money. However, I will arrange for £5 to be donated to the meeting to make up the difference.

This has been a great learning opportunity for me. Numbers have always been an issue for me and so taking on the treasury was hard but a chance to learn. I have learnt a lot.

Then I need to listen to anything he has to say and thank him for his feedback, whatever he has to say. I am hoping he'll be apologetic himself and I don't want his smugness and attitude but I just have to listen. And then I can say how are you K? And C? And wish them a good Spring Bank holiday.

So I need to make that call now. I want it over and done with but also am excited to relieve myself of my guilt. That is not the purpose of an amends. Ugh realising that I need to listen to whatever he has to say was a dampner on the excitement and a humbling check in.

I will write something else beforehand to reduce the excitement further. But what? 

I did not do any studying at all yesterday. I did carry out the discussion in connection with my research project for the main module. But I have this fill-in module and essay on the 

...... a phone call from E and then I made the call. Said what I had written above and grrrrrr he said well thank you for your apology and I hope it brings you peace now. Arrogant shit!! Oh and added that no doubt we'll see each other sometime. I will arrange the £5 to be delivered. I half expected him to own his shit but no! He repeated that he hoped it brought me peace now and I replied "thank you" on both occasions. Nothing more and nothing less. I wished it had but I feel grrrrrr. 

I wanted to say that I hadn't been without peace. But now I just have another resentment. I pray for K. Please God guide me. How do I let go?

Ha! I do laugh at myself. All my hopes for feeling free and wanting forgiveness and none of that, merely a thanks for my apology and wishing me peace. But perhaps he really meant it as well, who knows.

Bliss

XX

Pussy Footing Around Anger

What is the feeling beneath the anger?
There are a couple of people at the frosty Friday meet that I sit and get really angry with. I an recall the first time I got really really angry was a few years ago and look how I ma still holding on to it. I had taken on teas and coffees with everyone's knowledge that I couldn't get there until about 7:40. Then C came along and angrily made hints about the T&C person needing to get there early to open up and how she had been sitting outside freezing. In the other business moment, I suggested I hand in the commitment despite everyone knowing my arrival time in advance of me taking the commitment on. I laughed inwardly as the group voted me in to continue. C was huffy and has been with me ever since. I know it's not personal because she's huffy and rude with a number of people at different times.
Last night she wanted me to give her information about someone else and when I said I had no idea she accused me of sitting on the fence. What I wanted to do was slap her and then tell her to f-off. What I did say is that I really don't know any information and then I was angry with myself because that would imply that if I did I would say something. I wouldn't. I don't like gossip and saying anything about anyone without their say-so can be tantamount to gossip. I wished I had the ability to find something light to say with a smile like "hey C are you asking me to gossip?"
But knowing that anger is very often a secondary emotion, a coping emotion, I wonder what is going on underneath. Fear? Yes I have fear of them gossipping about me and then people will believe it and I'll be considered a bad person. All the business with the bloody pot was irritating, mind you I had messed it up somewhat and of course I wouldn't want people to know that. But I did own it and signed it off and have since been putting extra amounts in every pot, when I have it.
I don't like them actually. I think they are rude and controlling and self-righteous. So there I am angrily judging them. How to just love and accept them as they are? God show me how please.
If I were to see them through your eyes God .... how would I see them. Sometimes I see them with pity and that's not fair. I see C shaking as she tries to pick things up and K has aged recently. Then they go an say something that seems spiteful for example because someone has walked away from the meeting after being treated rudely, C said in a nasty tone "she'll drink!". In my opinion I think that's said without mindfulness. And K insinuated it's even worse because her sponsor is away right now. How flipping gossipy is that. Did I say anything? No not a word. What could I have said. I would often in the past lash out in defence but at least I didn't do that. Defend the underdog.
Maybe it isn't just a secondary emotion, maybe I am appropriately angry but what on earth am I to do about it. I will not be there next week thank goodness. And I am no longer the secretary for Saturday so don't have to hold the key - that's a different issue but just entered my mind.
I don't know the traditions well enough to know what's healthy orderliness here and them just bossing everyone around to do the meeting their way. K says he has seen the best of AA and it's going. It's just change. They do not see that. People seem to condemn new and different. I think so long as the traditions are being upheld there is room for change and update.
What is it that they trigger in me. It is this control that they have and that they are right. I am sure it's in me too and where else. I see with P how he can believe something and impose the thought or idea on me or others as if we should think the same way, without even a consideration for difference and different being okay.
It irritates me no end.
Yes it's this severity of control when it's so subtle at times and yet not in other ways. I spent my life with that I think and have no idea how to have a voice against it.
I think that's it the fear is that I was not able to have a voice. What was I afraid of? What would have happened to me? I got told off a lot and just clamped down upon, told I was wrong and shown I was wrong. Any idea I had was stupid or not even given any regard. My emotion were not even acknowledged and I am afraid if I speak up I will say it all wrong and be knocked down for things I haven't said or worse still be publicly told I am wrong and stupid. I am afraid to have my say.
My say would be that I felt it inappropriate that a request was dealt with quite rudely across the room and with newcomers in the room.I am also unhappy with the amount of gossip both in the room and outside of the room and disappointed to hear that people outside are gossipping and saying how bad the meeting is. And worse still the talk I hear involves certain personalities. I'd like to say all of that and perhaps I need to run this by my sponsor.
It's not the protection of the meeting I am interested in really, it's the learning about me.
How to say things or whether I should simply stay quiet.

S said something and H said something too.
Keep my eyes on my own business not anyone else's and it's just not the way I do my recovery.
If I can keep my focus on those things do I need to say anything and do I even need to continue attending.
I would like to be going to meetings to be learning about the Big Book and about my alcohol-ism and about the solutions in getting well. I do not hear that in the meeting.
I have resentment with C and K. I really do. I don't want to have resentment though. I actually prayed for them this morning without being told to. That's progress.
I do pray for them God. And please show me the way forward.
Help me understand me please.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to explore this. Without these people including P, behaving the way they do I would not be able to find out about me and how to change.

Thank you

Bliss
XX

Budgeting fuss

First of all I'm going to be a fussbudget about fussbudgets. It's so boring listening to people who are needlessly complaining about other people or things. It's an indication of  anger levels in my opinion. And anger that goes denied. More and more anger is less attractive. I used unconsciously be attracted to angry people. It somehow, I think, was a substitute for passion. I used to think my frustrations and anger were indications of my passion about things; wanting to stand forth as the voice for the under fellows for example. And I smile because I needed to make a point about this with a sort of needless fault-finding attitude. But there it is said and acknowledged and now I can let got and love these people just for being who they are.
I was talking with a fellow trekker this morning. She was talking about realising her anger and sadness about being treateted with inequality and being undervalued. It made me think about me in the same situation and when to accept people and injustice and when is it time to not accept and work towards changes. Whether the change be simply leaving the situation as soon as feasibly possible, or working within it for whatever reason. As with LK, it was bullying, mainly directed at me until I left and then someone else. It wasn't personal even though she thought it was and so did I. And now here with PD, his insecurity I can clearly see comes out as control and actually irrational. He blames me when he's asking me to do things he doesn't flow through on himself. That injustice is infuriating. And then when he doesn't follow through I simply carry on disregarding his request thinking well if you're not going to do as you want me to then why should I. I cane remember that as a child too. My dad would make stupid rules and expect me to follow them through when he did the opposite himself.  It's only later I've learnt that this is unjust and that it brings up I. Me anger which manifests as stubbornness and an attitude of indifference even mockery. Well I've stopped the acting out in stubbornness and mockery. But I still do feel angry and then get to jungle-tied in saying how I feel about this. I will try and raise it again in supervision and see if I can get some help in unpicking it.
Also then I can ask for some guidance on him wanting me to drop some of the regular individual sessions I do but what would be wrong I seeing if they want to see me out of hours in my own little practice or would that be stealing the clients. But if I am to drop hem does he want me to refer them on? Seems silly to me but I will find out what he thinks is best for AC and PD. At least with a supervisor present I will find out if I'm being irrational or not.
But it's good to recognise the emotions not that I hadn't but also to have the emotions out into perspective and have words to describe how I feel. When actually this sort of thing has gone on for years without real explanation.
I feel so lucky to have the fellowship to explore this stuff and work things out. There's nothing more frustrating than a sense of powerlessness which comes with injustice.

I also reloaded I. Thinking about why I was feeling irritated by my sponsors comments about meetings linked with me going away for a weekend to stay with my friend. I do not have the funds to get to an FA meeting every week. Once a month I think for me is reasonable. And then I feel guilty about saving up to go away for a weekend and having the money to treat my friend to a meal. Not equally I don't go away every weekend, it's a treat. I make sure I can get though the costs somehow. I don't have bundles and yes did overspend his weekend but can learn from that element. But say Paris, I've been saving for a year and will not feel guilty about it.
I need to have this conversation with her. I feel angry for feeling guilty. And it's on,y what I think I've heard without having the fill conversation.
Once again I'm tahnkful HP for the awareness and thereofe able to drop both the guilt and the anger and face up to responsibility. Open communication without also loading it on to someone else ie blaming them rather than looking at myself and what I have and haven't said.
I was uncomfortable being I. A restaurant that didn't cater for my food needs. It was okay I. The end, I managed but it wasn't quite right and there was an element of people pleasing. I write this. Auctions ly as I would hate anyone then to think oh no it's my fault! It's not it's mine. And I could easily have checked first and then catered for myself around this. Of course I do not expect others to neither understand nor support. It could be tedious for other people to accommodate. That's all possible. But all I need to do is ensure I get my food needs catered for. Anyone who isn't an addict has no need to understand. Anyone who isn't an addict might find it laborious. But for me it's life and death and that' can feel selfish on my part. But at least I raised this question with my sponsor, not that I really got an answer except for having to make sure I out my recovery first. I wouldn't choose to drink alcohol just because someone else wants to so I need to ensure I check things out before just accepting places and informing of my needs too. People are not expected to know the importance to me. That's my job.

I couple of weekends ago I had the loveliest of weekends. Spending time with a really lovely friend. And it keeps in perspective the value of online encounters when so many people knock it. Social media has plenty of positives and yet I also have delved into my own negatives around this as well. Despite that every experience is experience and can be learnt from. I have experiences some others may never have so can relate with knowledge when talking with on liners struggling in some way. I know myself. But I can see with balance and positivity that there's food too. There's positives in everything in some way or other.
Staying with CD and MD was lovely. Easy going and just enjoyable time. Lyme Regis, Honiton and meeting up with SS too. All lovely, lovely. Brilliant sunshine aswell. I think and hope I have a friend for life in CD. Through years of various social media CD probably knows more all round about me than anyone else in the world. How strange that is really. How fortunate I feel.
Overall I had a lovely and enlightening and loving weekend.

Bliss
XX

The Fixer

That's me, the fixer. Sometimes at least.
Where do I begin so that I record this.


Before I do, I want to write about my dream. I think it was the last dream before I woke up this morning. And I woke around 4am.
The order of the dream is now somewhat muddled, well the early stages of the dream. There was point when I was with my mum who was very ill and dying. She looked much younger than her age at her death in reality. She knew she was very ill and so did we all, my dad and I. For some reason I went off with my dad. I can't describe easily where we were. In my dream it was unfamiliar too. It was a sort of marshy wood and there was a wooden cabin that we were going towards. I would describe it now as a sort of Tardis. As we approached it I felt anticipation and anxiety but it was inevitable I was going in. I felt terror throughout the dream. I was terrified of my dad. I was being nice because I was trying to outsmart him, which I knew in my heart of hearts was impossible. However, I was people-pleasing. He was smarmy. There was another man there too. I was also wary of him. I know this was a dangerous environment but my dad was stopping from getting to mum and I had to play along if I was ever going to see her again. And yet I knew I was never going to get to see her again because of my dad. And then he was getting closer and closer. Little tormenting gestures, innuendos were increasing and his look was repulsing me. Inappropriate touches here and there. I woke out of the dream when we were still in the cabin and I was trying to persuade him and then becoming more insistent on getting to see mum. I kept asking when will we leave. He kept finding little tasks to do in the cabin. and we were in a more confined space when I woke up and immediately had to get up. I went back to bed and fell asleep. On waking up the next time I had initially forgotten he dream and then it slowly started creeping back. More and more detail.
I wanted to vomit and wanted to tear my skin off. And then I just didn't want to leave my flat. I have of course. I knew I had. to.


I needed to record that for myself. Why? Because I do forget that things were real and not okay. I tend to think I've exaggerated things and even think I've made them up at times. The very physicality of the wakeful state is a reminder that things were never really okay.


Moving on and The Fixer.
How often I say that something isn't right for me and feel terrible that someone is affected. Of course people are affected people all the time but it's not my responsibility. Yet I take on a sense of deep guilt and shame. And then I need to fix them and/or fix me.


The feeling of guilt was so intense I just couldn't sit still. I wanted to distract myself because studying required focus and all I could do was continuously wander in my thoughts. Thank goodness I was aware of this and distracted for a while, nothing unhealthy, just tittle tattle nonsense her and there. Eventually I was able to bring my attention into my books and very interesting it was. Then a lovely walk in the afternoon sunshine BUT wit some background noise thoughts, constantly whirring over and over. I went to a meeting and that arrested the whirring for a while. And then sleep but the next morning was ablast with damnation and hell.
As Shakespeare said in his play Macbeth " a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."t is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."


I had left this post alone and so won't continue it now. I've lost my thread. But post it for record sake.
I need my HP to iiude me from this fixer role in all it's guises. Glad to be shown, as it gives me the opportunity to change.
I get irritated by fixers too

Bliss
XX

Grey Areas

I have a grey area and the Universe suggests avoiding them. This grey area concerns abstinence and what constitutes abstinence. This relates to my work and also within my recovery programme.
Let's start with the latter. A person has been contacting me who is on a food plan and has been maintaining her weight for some years now. Great! She wants a sponsor and in my humble opinion is a real people pleaser and therefore flatters to get what she wants. She is also a very delightful person. Right now she is going through some major decision making times that are upsetting and she is full of fear. I'd really love to sponsor her but I have a few issues. One is the people-pleasing. Ironic being a chronic people-pleaser myself but also can swing the other way and be quite to the point rather than gentle and nurturing. I can be in the middle too. Someone, a friend of mine said a while ago that in be boundaried she was now finding me quite direct. I'm sure I can be but it's difficult for me to distinguish when it's someone else's issue with the boundary (using the term broadly) being set and them not liking it or whether it is my manner in delivery the boundary. I can't even recall what it was that I'd said or done so useless information really. However, it is there on my mind. And maybe I will enquire but I don't always appreciate the way this person perceives things and people and situations.
Just yesterday in fact, my friend showed her concern because I was sad and crying. I didn't need anyone to say I had a lot o. It sounded condescending in some way. And more about needing to say something to show her concern. I appreciated her concern, don't get me wrong. But all she needed to do was to show up and listen just as she did. I was able to put that frustration aside though, despite being sad and appreciate her concern for what it was.
Anyway, that's an aside.
Yes this person is using sleeping pills. Mainly herbal now she tells me but last night popped half an over-the-counter pill because so much is going around her head she couldn't sleep. Now that's okay in my book if she wants to pop pills but in this programme of recovery I am a bit torn between wanting to be "clean" of all substances and behaviours learn to deal with life on it's terms. She is very resistant to this idea and thinks it's not the right time to be coming of pills. I am not sure I can sponsor her on this basis but also confused by myself. After all, I am a great advocate of my sponsor working with the things I am willing to give up and being ONLY a food sponsor. Hmm. A change of mind perhaps? I think also is the attitude of this person. She thinks that with everything that's going on now is not the time to want to have a balanced prescription. It's an excuse in my book to continue to use but she feels it is completely justified. My suggestion is to have a prescribed pill programme and stick rigidly to it so that it's not a total escape from feelings. As in last night, tossing and turning not being able to sleep and so at will taking an extra pill. As I reiterated to her, I am not saying come off pills just like that, I'm suggesting sticking to a prescribed pill usage or if sticking with herbal pills then to stick absolutely with that. I mean what's she doing with medication in the house anyway if she doesn't use them anymore. So there was a lot of confusing messages. Saying she hasn't taken medication for a long time after being on them for over 30 years. But then when I said I was confused because she said she was using pills over this last year in a previous conversation ... then she said she agreed about honesty yet had admitted that she wasn't telling her last sponsor the truth and so on.
But then there is this conflict of wanting to be able to work with people just where they are. Can I really do this? IS there a conflict with FA? I mean what do people in FA think about ad hoc use of sleeping pills? I might call M in Florida this afternoon and see what she thinks.
In my work I am at ease working with people who want to try out controlled measures with substances, behaviours etc. Things that they are doing addictively when it's a behaviour as with food requires a plan, something that is agreed as abstinence ad then stick to it. I am at ease working with this but I think always with the thought that abstinence is the best way. And there is a bit of me that thinks eventually they will have to conceded to this. So it's not a totally free idea I work with. I have to be honest about this in supervision as it will be influencing how I work with people.
So here then is the conflict for me. I am in FA and committed to my food plan. Funnily enough it raises for me the question of whether it would be possible to have a plan around drinking. Why I would want to even try I don't know. But it's then similar with thinking well perhaps I could manage some chocolate etc. There are substances that I do believe I am actually triggered to use more with. Alcohol, cocaine, sugar, flour. But then what about addictive behaviours such as relationships and social media etc. I need a plan of abstinence around these too. Now just because I need this doesn't mean to say others do. But with C she has a long history of medication addiction, sleepers of all sorts. And here she is toying with other sorts and thinking it's okay. Actually that is not abstinent thinking to me. So, maybe that's the conversation I need to have with her. And then she gets very defensive and flustered. And then perhaps it's just not possible to sponsor her. She wants someone to talk through all her issues with. She hasn't been making call to other FA people. I feel she wants someone to make decisions for her and is very needy in some ways but very self-willed actually. She is taking advice fro her solicitor but not trusting it. I would say I recognise this person. Stability is what she needs and I don't feel it's possible in 15 minutes on a call. That is not sponsoring she wants.
So there we have it. I think I do actually know the answer. I am unsure that's what she wants but if she doesn't want to work the programme as laid out for me then I don;t want to sponsor her. I would happily be her therapist but that would cost her and I am not in fellowship to promote myself as a therapist. I will definitely keep that ethical boundary for myself as tempting as it would be to offer my services.
Hey ho! It helps to write.
Bliss
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