Getting old when I am older - pleeeeeeease

My books have arrived - Biological Psychology. I am both excited and anxious. I am very interested in the subject and looking forward to knowing more. I do not have time or energy for studying.
I need a very strict study regime building into that some relaxation time. I have so few hours with my journey to and from work making my working day so flipping long.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - I get overwhelmed and am like a rabbit in the headlights .
If anyone reads this and has some amazing idea about how to manage the anxiety and put together a structure for my day to day living - well I would be very thankful. Thank you.

PD is really unwell. I am very concerned. He is looking jaundiced. I keep suggesting he doesn't come into work or at least slow down and leave early - BUT workaholism will kill him at this rate. He is grumpy at times and subdued at other times.
I don;t feel great either. Pain in my abdomen, pain in my side. A bit dizzy occasionally and a general malaise that has been there for weeks now. I am fed up with it actually.
I am going to book to see my GP on Monday when I am taking my lieu day. I owe the company a day to repay them when I was snowed in - grr grr. But I refuse to give them the coming Monday - I need the time. If necessary I will give them a day's leave. I do feel aggrieved - their attitude doesn't encourage me to give of myself the way I have done.
I am supposed to be attending the company organised Christmas meal (I know it's after Christmas but hey ho!) I have no desire to attend. The crazy social chit chat thing. And I don;t feel very corporate at all or loyal. I am loyal to PD and our unit but I have no loyalty to this organisation. I feel very under valued.

Grumble grumble - I am not sure how to turn around the thoughts and attitude I have. I am very fortunate to be able to work in a job I enjoy. And many things about the environment are better than pleasant. I get a very well subsidised meal which does save me money and more importantly is usually very good nosh. Working with PD has it's trials for me especially as we can be so similar. Mainly though he is an incredibly generous team leader and does his best for the team and the clients. Sometimes he over gives. He is very good at selling and keeps our unit in a very good light within the hospital itself. I know too that he frustrates people but bloody hell he delivers and they cannot deny that. So there is a little security working under his lead.
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and develop my skills with the variety of colleagues. Oh and supervision. There was none at Nexus and limited at ANA. P is very good and I learn through our own little group experiences. It's good experiential stuff.
Uhm - nice surroundings, some lovely colleagues (not all). Sometimes there is a moment to just think and relax. Not so much anymore. And some lovely clients - sad stories yet people wanting to alter the course of their lives. I admire them. I know how much effort it takes to really bring about changes. And I really don;t believe anyone can do it alone. So to be able to seek support is a very humble thing to do. Remove ego and false pride and become vulnerable. Now when I first heard that I thought weakness - now I realise that humility (not humiliation) takes great strength and courage. I fought against the surrender and only when I did yield do I feel the empowerment that comes with it. Thank you God.
Anyway to see people willing and fighting but challenging their desire to hold onto control. Well I am inspired on a daily basis. And sometimes I forget to acknowledge that. I am inspired even though at times I get frustrated too with their self imposed limits. And he he - I am amongst the worst.

I identify things I would like to explore within myself - anger in the various forms it manifests in, control, compliance. But I do not wish to limit myself to just these issues. Oh and anger is not the issue it's the way I deal with it.

Speaking with JH last evening was both really enjoyable and also painful. Love and like - loss and pain.
I like so many things about JH that I would very much enjoy developing our friendship. The horrid thing is dealing with the pain of losing the intimacy that comes with a closer relationship. I miss that so so much. I want that but it is not there between us to have. There are too many things standing between us. I am available emotionally etc, but I am not strong enough to deal with the difficulties brought to me by his current situation.
I am repeating myself. DOH!

There were moments of silence. In those moments I felt so far from him and yet so close too. We can sit with silence. Even without being in the same room, not even the same country. Across all those miles over the phone. Not even Skype. But I wanted to ask him about little things like how to sketch a glass so that it looks like glass. And how in the Dutch Interiors the amazing bubble I saw - how was that painted but it seemed all so trivial compared to what we are trying to face.
I think perhaps it is just me and perhaps JH is all OK with this. When he was talkign about one of his past relationships I could here how unclear he is about what he wants from encounters he has. Perhaps that is just not really communicated so that I am clear. Maybe it was always a difference between us although I thought we were talking about being together and getting old together.
I certainly feel old and didn;t mean getting old NOW!!! Universe you are playing tricks with me!!! I want to get old when I am older not now thank you.

Another game of Scrabble with AB, RB and GB. A long conversation with AM - ha! And I was planning on doing some OU reading. Damn it! I am so undisciplined at times.

Heart Stream Journey

“Action is consolatory. It is the enemy of thought and the friend of flattering illusions.”

Joseph Conrad.

A curious quote really.

I watched The Human Stain and that's when I heard this quote.  Yes there is comfort in action. But the action needs to be healthy. Somehow there is a lot missed out in this quote. Because action is certainly the enemy of thought.

But action as the friend of flattering illusion. Mmmm how I interpret this is to mean that action can be unhealthy. It can be feeding the unhealthy. So action is useful if it is healthy action, there is a need to have other people around who know exactly what the action is as they will be able to better see how destructive or not the action is. My problem can be in not listening fully to what my friends are saying. I want to do what I want to do even when they are asking em to consider whether it is truly with my own best interest at heart.

So yes action is necessary. It is vital. But within a boundaried framework.

I watched the film - it was difficult to watch. People keeping secrets, afraid of rejection if disclosing the truth. But of course in the end the freedom was in the truth and acceptance. I watched it as the man accepted the woman with her troubles. I could relate to her troubles.

I saw her anger fired from long ago issues. He was patient and held her.  He revealed his truth and then they died.

I realised through recent events just how my anger seeps out. Whilst I have known intellectually I am angry I have not really been able to get my fingers on it. Other people see it and feel it but I have been unwilling and unable to accept my anger. And now I am beginning to.

In the past I have raged. Suicide attempts, self harming, addiction, crazy behaviours and then just expire with exhaustion. JH thought I was angry at him I think. I have felt angry and at times horribly landed the anger on him. But I am aware today that I was angry. Not with him just with the situation, not with me either. The problem with anger is that it seems to need to be placed somewhere. I seemed to place it on him at times. And if not on him on me.

That has been the way of things I think I am realising. Most of my life, eventually I turn the anger in on myself. The beliefs I have about myself that are so negative - anger. Also messages I collected from my family of origin and not only verbally but through their rejection or reaction to me. More ammunition.

So I have an odd feel left over from the film pertaining to me. How much I also need patience and forgiveness. I believed too that JH had some difficulties with the issues I have about life. It was in the film that I realised how loving he was of her despite her difficulties with trauma from her past and how it had affected her. It's all labelled under the umbrella term mental health and I have a feeling this scares a lot of people away. I never want to be secretive about this part of my life as it's been a major part in my trauma healing and brought me to a greater understanding.

Thankfully the majority of people do not have to encounter mental health issues in any shape or form. I am relieved for them. However, it is a part of my life story to date. I am not "mental". Many people find it difficult to deal with though in the forms it can take. Well I know for certain I would like to be accepted as I am in the knowledge that I am always looking for opportunity for growth and change.

Tolerance of those with different struggles.

I have had a very difficult weekend in many ways. JH and I breaking up with each other is just so flipping painful. I started to question my decision. I started thinking that JH had planted the idea anyway. He said it was me that ended things. Well I sort of knew but then I doubted. I needed to know from him if it really is what he wants or not. His words were so very vague yet full of information. It seemed as if he knew it was right but did not want to say so.

Through his words I heard that this is definitely the right thing for him and therefore I know it is right for me. Right? Is that the word? It's not right for me at all but it is not possible for JH and I to go forward as an us. Gosh that hurts as I thought our future looked really lovely. Great possibilities for us. So much interest to bring to each other. Just the minor issue of differences that seemed to be greater than the good things.

I wonder if JH sees a pattern for him?  I was lying in the bath thinking of the patterns for me and also asking the Universe to show me the things that still seem unclear for me. What I can learn.

I feel so dreadfully sorry that JH received any things that I said as a slight on him. That is not true at all.

We just seemed to be wanting different things but that hadn't been clear from the very onset.

How tragically sad when two people also get on so well in other ways.

In many other ways this weekend has been full of treasured moments. A lovely evening on Friday with ET and subsequent lovely talks and laughs. A wonderful day with AM and ML walking, talking and dining beside the heat of a wonderful log fire. Lunch with ML and 2 games of Scrabble - one all at this stage. And the honour today of meeting AB'sg on Friday with ET and subsequent lovely talks and laughs. A wonderful day with AM and ML walking, talking and dining beside the heat of a wonderful log fire. Lunch with ML and 2 games of Scrabble - one all at this stage. And the honour today of meeting AB's estranged sister through adoption at birth. She was delightful. And I was very honoured further to have time whilst we were out walking just to chat to C. And  not only that after C and her husband had left I sat with GB AB and RB and we had a very earnest discussion about very deep feelings connected with the family dynamics and the complex interconnections and interactions. There seemed to be some clarity of very intense feelings during some moments.

And then home - slowly the pain will pass I know. There is a gap - usually I would text JH and then speak with him. It's the little things - telling him about the minute detail that has seeped into me during my day. Sharing little thoughts about things I have seen or observed. I do not have tat anymore. For that I cry some more tears.

Sharing is a wonderful thing. I realise that it is a spiritual principle for me.  However, sharing needs to be with someone who accepts me for all my nuances just as JH was saying that it seemed as if I was not accepting him for him. He was of course right. What I have learnt is that I can acknowledge that and work beyond it. I do that all the time everyday. I have learnt that I need to be sharing more wit friends instead of working things out with one person. I need more meetings.

Universe I am grateful for the lovely things that have been happening through this weekend as I have been facing such heart breaking things too. I know the grief for my sense of loss will pass. I have had some wonderful times with JH and I an thankful to him for many things, material and experiential and spiritual. I hate giving that up whether it's by his leaving me or me leaving him. Phew it's damned hard. Memories already of times together, not to be shared again.

Wow!

This will fade and other matters in life will once again return.

Cuddles with LouLou, Walks, Visits to galleries organised. Studying. Friends. New people. Old people. Creations ....... every moment is a new creation to be experienced and grow from.

Universe I will be fully thankful - right now the pain has taken over again. I know today I have moments of true delight and pleasure. So the pain isn't constant. I will be able to write about things without so much pain at some point I know. Sound like I am trying to convince myself - I AM!!!!  He he :)

Goodnight

Bliss

XX

Gentle Strokes Needed

Gentle stroke are needed. It is very easy for me to give myself a hard time as the bad person. In this relationship with JH neither of us are the bad person. The situation is how it is and it hasn't completely fitted.
I hate it though. I have really strong feelings and all the things that were good between us were very good. Now I can only have access if we develop our friendship and that I don't fully know how to do. But the deeper intimacy of a loving relationship is not accessible to me and for that I am grieving.
The way I turn in on myself is then going on to think - my thinking can be so harsh on me. Damn it's hard being me sometimes.





Yesterday was a lovely ay with ML and her friend V?. V was in a state of confusion and took some time to talk about what is going on. Busy woman, 2 jobs with lots of hours in each, boyfriend, fellowhsip meetings with commitments, preparing to restart studying. She is very giving. And the way she described it sounded as if she does not ake time for herself and then is drained and without a sense of self. We could relate on many things yesterday. ML has always said she thinkgs V and I have many similarities. I could recognise myself in her. Thre are some actions I can take to help myself.
I will put together a weekly timetable to include study time and meeetings which all damned well ahve to fit aroudn work. That takes most of my time and is not actually my priority so much now.
AM and ML like e wish to resume our monthly long walks. I loved that when we did it each month - a different location, a great pub for lunch. It meant that we had quality time together, talking and laughing. And we also got to visit different parts of the countryside and then enjoy great nosh!! What a lovely way to spend time with people I love to be with. What I did notice is that we haven't ever really engaged with much culture of other sorts along the way. So maybe when I research my choices I will include things to see along the route and people to encounter perhaps.

On New Years Day we bumped ito a group of people also walking. Briefly one of the men stopped to talkn about how he had found a treasure - he he - I could truly appreciate his enjoyment from a piece of interesting rock. We talked briefly and passed on. It was such a simple encounter him asing if I wanted a picture of his treasure as I was taking a picture of the kiln. Nice!

Where was I. Oh yes ML's trifle. Oh my gosh she was so proud of her trifle.

I think last night you were drawing circles around me.

Words of a song - actually couldn't decide whether I like the singer or not which means I probably don't. A lot of the female singers these days leave me unable to determine whether I like them or not. I think they all sound so similar. Some lyrics stand out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VA8uaumikU Kirsten Hersh - actually re listening to her it's not bad. But it's all the same pace - mmmm not being inspired really


AB recommended Rumer - she sounds very much like Karen Carpenter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxBTLzMEsrU&feature=related

ET recommended Duffy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ5-L9znt8 - wow powerful lyrics. And there is something slightly different about her in a familiar way though. I think I relate with the pain of her song more than enjoy the song itself. Let's try another ..nah - boring voice - always the same!

Ha ha ha Francoise Hardy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aLoezucIzk&feature=related

Wouldn't you think writing a Blog would make things easier to locate. Uh uh. I cannot not locate something I wrote about.

Last night I spoke with JH. Gosh it's so painful. I want to be with all the wonderful things about JH I love so much. I feel such loss. I keep thinking this is such a big mistake, that if he can do things differently and if I can bear all the things I am struggling with. I truly believe we can get through things together. But his emotional attachment elsewhere is too big for me at this stage in my own development. It's seeming too big for us. He is unable to hold me within it all as well. I wanted him to be able to hold me but he has too much of his own to hold. God! my heart is broken.
The funny thing is that I think because he and I have been so close he will not believe the things I say that I see. He will think there is an agenda. I can see the ways in which he is drawn and I felt them so strongly and how he is not giving himself a proper chance to get to the point of emotional acceptance. He just isn't ready yet to make the necessary changes. He is holding on holding on.
Well its not surprising - not wanting to lose something and then compromising so as not to lose everything. Painful. Same feelings and thinking I am going through but not with decades of togetherness as well.
And then I think actually he is probably relieved - that he didn't really ever feel strongly for me anyway. After all we met under such murky conditions and all so fleeting. And he says he has never done what he has done like he has with me - flying over here I know he was referring to.
I feel angry - it's not with JH. I don't know where to put the anger though. I want to put it on him but it's not his fault. He is where he is and how he is. It's not his fault he isn't available to love me the way I want him to. I am angry and so it turns inwards. I can feel it.

Poo my tyre is completely flat. Phew Tim has offered t help me put on the spare. Damn thee are no tyre places open today. The one in Farnham is the one I trust. I should have sorted it out when it was just a slow puncture. Damn my disorganisation. I am at work most of my days and it is so frustrating. I have so little time and when I do I am feeling exhausted. I do not like this energy rain I am in at the moment. Please God can you lift it from me and keep it away forever.
I was talking with a friend about how people say we can whatever we want. The Universe says this. Think about whatever it is and already you are beginning to manifest it. I agree with having ambition and desire and by thinking about things we can start to put things in place.
But I want my mum to be alive and I cannot have that. I want my dad to get honest and love me, I want my cousin to not have Cancer. I want JH to be able to love me fully and openly.
See wanting all these things is not meaning that they will manifest as I want them to. It's bullshit.
What I do know is that whatever happens in life and death I will be OK. It might hurt, or disappoint or even a host of feelings that seem difficult at the time BUT whatever they are I will be OK - in that I have faith.
Ugh God please release me from this pain. I want to feel OK NOW!!!!!!! I am truly broken hearted and it hurts like hell. I cant be bothered to do anything and yet I know I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
So JH suggested we speak next weekend. It seems so horrid - so long apart. I miss him. Everything seems OK for him - he still has all the things that are truly important to him around him.He can keep trying to hang onto them and not make changes. He says he wants to change. I know how difficult that is. I truly understand.
Make the transition from lovers to friends. Phew that's hard.
It's somehow an easier relationship in the long run maybe. It's certainly easy with Andy and John. I am not attached in a particular way. ML ET AB AM - well the friendships are true love. We fight at times in our own ways but they are totally dependable. They are them and I am me. That has taken time to develop. Perhaps JH and I got involved all too quickly and so didn't allow the friendship to develop at all and know whether we really like and love each other. There are many things I like and love I just am not OK with the emotional situation and how he has treated women albeit he hasn't realised what he has been doing.
As Duffy says you are very loving but you don't love me. Phew I wanted him to love me as I love him. We could have been great together.
I hope we can be great friends instead.
I am hurting so damned much - when will this go away.
Right bath then wait for Tim then late arrival at ML's for dahl lunch.

Oh and did i tell you how much physical pain I am in. It's difficult to find things to be grateful for when in physical pain. I am not OK with this physical pain. Something needs to go away.

Oh I bet JH is relieved now that he doesn't have to deal with a person he considered to be mental!!!! That's my anger and how hurt I am about his opinion shared with another stranger. I am still really fucked off about that. It's my own issue I know. The ignorance of people around depression. Not being ignorant just not knowing. But instead of talking to me about my private business he chose to speak to an ex flirt. Damn that pisses me off. Not a close friend another of the women he has met in passing. Phew that stinks. I wouldn't dream of talking to a person any less than the most important people who I really know and can rely on with privacy and integrity - not some flit by night contact however long they have been talking. Bollocks to that!!
I am sure I am over angry about this because it's somewhere to flip out my anger - I need a fucking release for this anger.
And then I think anyone reading this will have something to comment about anger - well yes I am angry!! And I am bloody pleased that I am able to acknowledge it and let it out. So many people think anger is not allowed and bad. Anger is absolutely appropriate and needs to be accepted and let out. Otherwise it stays in a stews. Anyone who says they are not angry is lieing to themselves..
Check out the research if you don't believe me.
Anyway who cares if people judge me harshly or negatively - if they do they don't know me. I am wholesome. Sensitive. Spirited. And proud of it. Wholesome by the way means yin and yang. black and white, positive and negative, good and bad. I accept that in me and there is a relief in that. Not trying to act as if I am perfect. Far from it just working towards it until the day I die.

Bliss
x

Roads to Rome

http://diane-arbus-photography.com/







When researching psychological information about transvestites, up popped Diane. It always interestes me how all roads lead to Rome. I had ben talkign about Diane Arbus' photographs with SH at work weeks ago. And now completely unrelated research turned up the name again.

A nice day with my friends AM and ML - great walk around Hascombe and Busbridge etc. Lunch at the White Horse - well fantastic food although Thomas Lord is still the best in recent months. Crikey - feel the pain immediately as the visits recently there with JH were really nice. Loss and hurting.
It keeps rising through my heart and hurts throughout my body. I trust that I will be OK and can get through this pain. Phew though it's hard. Really really really painful. I wish I didn't have to lose him.

Anyway. The walk was fun, interesting listening to my friends chatting about their things, their choices for the next few months, their uncertainties, their wishes. We spoke about ageing and I was talking about how difficult I find it to reconcile this ageing process, the skope down. But noticing the changes - what's quite good he he he, is that changes I am experiencing now I am 50, they are experiencing in their early 40's. I think I have been fortunate to date that actually I have been held quite naturally fit and youngish for all this time. They are ageing as I am ageing but I think my changes are faster now.

Happy New Year!

Well I have woken up with a longing for JH. Unhealthy things I am doing - checking his Blog, sitting wondering who he is replacing me with now, oh blah, blah, blah.
And probably wriring this. I noiced someone from Sweden had read the Blog. Well if I don;t want strangers to read it I can block it but at the same time a Blog is for reading.
So as you can see Universe I have started off in 2011 with confusion and too much thinking - hahahahaha.
So wriring this is a reminder to stop.
I need to rush out soon anyway. I have a nice day planned - looking forward to friends and chats and laughs and countryside.

I had a strange dream this morning. I drove my toy elecreic car to the station to get the platform tickets. I was watching myself drive the car in. Often during my dreams I flit between observing and being actually in it.
I didn;t understand why I was going to get the platform tickets in advance. Anyway I parked the car actually at the end of the queue.
I was behind a number of people. Some of the people queuing were tkane into the ticket office to be shown how it all works. The woman was very lou and excitable. She wathced her tickets get produced. The man in fornt of me was very tall. He went to take his tickets fomr the till thing and the woman said he's trying to steal my tickets. He was very tolerant it seemed.
I started walking away on remembered my toy car. It was gone!!
I then started a frantic search for it. There was only one way they could have gone as suddenly I was in a massive construction. It turned out to be an enormous shopping centre
I got to the top and was precariously climbing some steps up around a pillar. I could eaasily have missed my footing and fallen. All this time I was now actually in the dream
I wonder if I start as observer and gradually get involved. Mmmm I think I do.
I then met someone I knew on his bike and I think he said "is that your car". Now it was a big shiny car with a registration plate but still not a road car. Some kids had it and were driving own a long wide passage. I asked im to ride after them and stop them. They we re only little. He said we both needed to get there to round them up.
Anyway we did and I shouted "oi". The kids were boys, dirty and not pleasant. Anyway we took the car from them. They were pushing it and were asking how to make it work. I just glared at them. They had made it really dirty with sweet sticky stuff which I started to lick. Someone said those boys had dirty hands. And I suddenly felt sick.
I woke up.

Strange dream - with lots of scenery flashing past my memory that gets ingnored in my description.

So I am hurting I my heart and missing JH. I send him love and hope that for 2011 he has a very positive year and is able to move forward with everything he wishes for.
I hope that during this year I can gain strength and trust that the Universe has in store for me some wonderful things with happy positive emotions I can feel. Not all painful lessons.
I am very very grateful for the lovely meeting last night and reminders that all I have to do is the next right thing and painful feelngs do pass.
I want to be in a relationship. I wanted it to be with JH. I hope we can develop a great friendship and who knows what the future can hold. I just need to get neyond the pain I feel of not being with him.
My thinking keeps taking me back to asking him if maybe we could make it work. I re-read some of my older posts and the distrust I feel when he seems distant. And when he is truthful it has shown me that my instincts have been correct - He is such a lovely wonderful man in so many ways. All those things I cherish and want in my life.
I think it's very difficult that thre is so much distance physically between us.

Universe there are thigns that I would want - I need to talk to people and see what they think of my wants and needs. Thank goodness for recovery.
I know I am full of shortcomings. I am nothing but sorry that these shortcomings mean I am unable to be with JH uner the circumstances of how he is. To me there seems to be a wanting in him of women around him. And somehow it doesn't seem as if thats respectful for the woman he is with. I seem unable to deal with that part of him.

I saw a friend and really love the realtionship she has with her husband.
They are so very close, they laugh a lot, they deal withe verything together, she only has eyes for hima nd he for her. It's not a fairytale either - its real! They are in love and it shows. They have been together now 5 years and still in love. They are truly growing old together. It's fun. The trials in life they face absolutely together.
I know H divulged herself even more into CoDA when she met him. I need to do more CoDA again. It's where solutions can be found. I stopped attending regularly.
I am committing to more regular meeetings attendance - I am concerned about study time but to be honest my recovery is sacred - without it I stop learning and growing. It's more than recovery, it's actually unpicking dysfunction. Thats what CoDA helps with. Helps me to find me - more of the real me than I have before.
It's the journey we are all on I guess and this is just a way, another way of continuing along that journey with some good support and guidance. The thing I love about it most is that it's not a religion, there are no heroes or gurus, there's just a group of people sharing their own experiences. Some further along the jounrey that others. And I see hope amongst these people.

Have being feelign so low, and thinking suicidally I am pleased to be reminded that these are painful times. I am losing the man I love. I cannot stop loving him I just am unable to deal with the way thigns are. So these painful feelings mean that everythign seem ultr difficult.
Well I need to keep gently nruturing myself. Its not nice feeling how I do. Not nice at all.
I wanted to go to the US I wanted to be with JH I wanted for us to have a future. And now that is not possible. And it hurts. It's sad. It's loss and grief.
It may seem silly as we have known each other less than a year but actually I put my everything into him and I don';t think he would even have kniown that.

Well I need to go. Crying hurting

Confused Universe.
Bliss
XX

Thank goodness

I have been to a meeting and heard so many things I needed to hear - I have hope and inspiration.
I felt very dark and suicidal.
A coffee with a good friend - laughing at self. Listening. Talking about how I am thinking and feeling.
A little light relief.

I miss the man I love.
I am sorry that I am just shit at living and that I forget how to not be shitty etc.
I regret that I seem not to be able to deal easily with the situation he is in. I know it is my difficulty with things the way they are.
I have no doubt about that.
It's horrid that earlier situations have left me with a distrust. I would still love to enjoy all the great thigns that I truly have felt between us.
I want him to know that. But I feel so much pain with some things the way they are. Trust and respect take time to develop. To truly feel those things and it takes good communication.

Blah blah blah - I have committed myself to put more effort into recovery. I will increase my meetings and make more calls out for support. IIt works and gives more than could ever be believed. And tonight I witnessed that all over again.
I loved till my tummy hurt. And I chatted with people with a strong feeling of love.

How lucky I feel this evening to have that. It does not deflect from how much I am hurting. But I know I can gain support.

It hurts to be so distant and losing my love. Is this the right thing to do?
I have no idea. I just know that I keep feeling hurt and his situation and how things have been in the past have been painful for me. I am not ignoring in that the situations and how difficult they are for him. Grief, parenting, wanting to change. Phew it's a lot. Then to try and maintain a relationship and changing ways within that.
Yep I appreciate it - and I am not perfect so make mistakes with my own hurt and efforts.

I want more than merely friendship - but maybe he is right and the timing is just not right. I trust God that what is meant to be will be.
 broken hearted Bliss
Grateful for recovery Bliss
XX

Happy New Year Universe