Wisdom arrives in silence, Bliss.
Shhhhhhh,
The Universe
Shhhhhhh,
The Universe
Friday, 11 March 2011
Death and dying
I have no words anymore to describe how I feel.
I am a broken person. I know this shall pass. I am trying to hold onto that strongly.
Tonight I went to a beautiful meeting and sat listening to laughter and love amidst people.
I find it difficult to write even to myself that actually I have felt deathly. That I have even worked out how.
I have not felt so devastated for such a long time. I want to feel life again. I want to know the Universe again.
I hope I can get there. Goodbye
Hello JH
I am writing this email with a heavy heart.
I need some healing time.
I really am disliking the person I become when I speak with you. It is not the person I know myself to be.
The deep hurt and pain I feel turns into anger and I am miserable and say things I really don't mean and later regret, such as saying you have been fickle or that your love wasn't deep. I really don't mean this and am sorry for speaking in my anger, my sadness, my confusion. We all get less light going through difficult things.
I would prefer to be the happy, lively, light and the passionate person I know I am, when I speak with you.
And so partly to preserve my dignity and grace, but mainly to give myself space to heal, I would like some time without contact with you. I feel sure you will understand.
I can honestly say I have not loved like I have loved you. And I showed that by letting you right into my soul. I have always enjoyed the discussions we can have about art and life and all things Universal.
JH you are a remarkable man.
I hope that the changes in your life over the next weeks and months can be smooth and with the least pain as possible.
I hope too that you continue to embrace all your passions and achieve everything you want and need.
Bliss
Dear, dear Bliss-
I have been thinking about this all day, on my way and working in Delft- Yes, I've been heavy too, with things all around me and between us.
I can see the real you- You are most amazing and I'm still glad we met, and I know you-
I'm sure you felt how much I truely did love you, and yes I did feel you-
I don't know myself to be remarkable- I would like you to explain some time when we meet again, when the time is there-
I hope you will remember and get in touch if and when you feel it is right for you-
Take care, bless you-
Bliss
It's lovely. I'm very proud of you. You are such a beautiful, funny, creative and odd soul and very very special lady to me. He was never right for you. His heart is poorly.
This isn't easy but the trick for us is creating lives of our own that are meaningful and fun and fulfilling. Then we won't reach for our addictions to feel alive.
ET
AM has been really just hearing all that was and what is now. No judgement but celebrating me taking care of myself. The sadness of all that I had hoped for not being possible now.
ML commented on how from very early on I was hurt by the untruths and deception.
JB just listens and then tries to crack jokes and find things to make me laugh. :))
T relates with my hope for something beautiful being dashed and how I am left feeling crumpled and hopeless. So sad.
Thank goodness for friends listening whatever their thoughts and judgements
I am a broken person. I know this shall pass. I am trying to hold onto that strongly.
Tonight I went to a beautiful meeting and sat listening to laughter and love amidst people.
I find it difficult to write even to myself that actually I have felt deathly. That I have even worked out how.
I have not felt so devastated for such a long time. I want to feel life again. I want to know the Universe again.
I hope I can get there. Goodbye
Hello JH
I am writing this email with a heavy heart.
I need some healing time.
I really am disliking the person I become when I speak with you. It is not the person I know myself to be.
The deep hurt and pain I feel turns into anger and I am miserable and say things I really don't mean and later regret, such as saying you have been fickle or that your love wasn't deep. I really don't mean this and am sorry for speaking in my anger, my sadness, my confusion. We all get less light going through difficult things.
I would prefer to be the happy, lively, light and the passionate person I know I am, when I speak with you.
And so partly to preserve my dignity and grace, but mainly to give myself space to heal, I would like some time without contact with you. I feel sure you will understand.
I can honestly say I have not loved like I have loved you. And I showed that by letting you right into my soul. I have always enjoyed the discussions we can have about art and life and all things Universal.
JH you are a remarkable man.
I hope that the changes in your life over the next weeks and months can be smooth and with the least pain as possible.
I hope too that you continue to embrace all your passions and achieve everything you want and need.
Bliss
Dear, dear Bliss-
I have been thinking about this all day, on my way and working in Delft- Yes, I've been heavy too, with things all around me and between us.
I can see the real you- You are most amazing and I'm still glad we met, and I know you-
I'm sure you felt how much I truely did love you, and yes I did feel you-
I don't know myself to be remarkable- I would like you to explain some time when we meet again, when the time is there-
I hope you will remember and get in touch if and when you feel it is right for you-
Take care, bless you-
Bliss
It's lovely. I'm very proud of you. You are such a beautiful, funny, creative and odd soul and very very special lady to me. He was never right for you. His heart is poorly.
This isn't easy but the trick for us is creating lives of our own that are meaningful and fun and fulfilling. Then we won't reach for our addictions to feel alive.
ET
AM has been really just hearing all that was and what is now. No judgement but celebrating me taking care of myself. The sadness of all that I had hoped for not being possible now.
ML commented on how from very early on I was hurt by the untruths and deception.
JB just listens and then tries to crack jokes and find things to make me laugh. :))
T relates with my hope for something beautiful being dashed and how I am left feeling crumpled and hopeless. So sad.
Thank goodness for friends listening whatever their thoughts and judgements
Dog poo
"Hi - just thought we'd bring you up-to-date with the latest development on Lisa's treatment. To recap she was referred to a specialist at the Royal Marsden Hospital a couple of weeks ago by her consultant at Maidstone. The man at the Royal couldn't really help with surgery at the moment but has called in another man - Professor Stan Kaye - one of the top men in this field. He has seen her case history and has now taken her on board by recommending another spell of chemo and he has liaised with the team at Maidstone who will be administering this treatment but under his guidance. She has to go to Maidstone next week to see the consultant there who will inform her of when it will be started etc. Hopefully this will be successful but the professor did add that if it does not have the answer then she will go to the Royal Marsden and join his drug trials he is in charge of.
Will keep you informed of any future developments and only hope that it will all good news from now on!Thanks for your interest and kind messages . . . "
L&R
I received this from my aunt and uncle. I feel better on occasions that I have direct contact with my cousin. I felt so, so sad when she was explaining her situation. I think my uncle who sent the general statement email is just not able to connect witht he enormity of his emotions about this. He stays very cold. I can;t say I blame him. And my aunt is just beside herself. It seems sort of unbelievable to me.
It really is at the stage when the Consultant is now trialling unlicensed drugs. My cousin said she would eat dog poo if she thought it would work. I cried for her. And for her girls.
What I wondered is how come when I have wanted to die, she is dying and only aged 41 years. Of course this adds to my confusion about why bad things happen to good people. I know, I know. We are to wonder why? We do not know nor understand the purpose. I prayed for my mum to be present for my cousin. And it was after that I dreamt of her skin on my skin. I could really feel her. It was lovely. I love those dreams. I miss my mum.
Bliss
X
Will keep you informed of any future developments and only hope that it will all good news from now on!Thanks for your interest and kind messages . . . "
L&R
I received this from my aunt and uncle. I feel better on occasions that I have direct contact with my cousin. I felt so, so sad when she was explaining her situation. I think my uncle who sent the general statement email is just not able to connect witht he enormity of his emotions about this. He stays very cold. I can;t say I blame him. And my aunt is just beside herself. It seems sort of unbelievable to me.
It really is at the stage when the Consultant is now trialling unlicensed drugs. My cousin said she would eat dog poo if she thought it would work. I cried for her. And for her girls.
What I wondered is how come when I have wanted to die, she is dying and only aged 41 years. Of course this adds to my confusion about why bad things happen to good people. I know, I know. We are to wonder why? We do not know nor understand the purpose. I prayed for my mum to be present for my cousin. And it was after that I dreamt of her skin on my skin. I could really feel her. It was lovely. I love those dreams. I miss my mum.
Bliss
X
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Worry avoidance tactics
Make a decisions to turn our wil and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Step Three
Reading:
Surrendering to a Power Greater than ourselves is how we become empowered .
We become empowered in a new, better, more effective way than we believed possible.
Doors open. Windows open. Possibilities occur. Our energy becomes channeled, at last, in areas and ways that work for us. We become in tune with the Plan for our life and our place in the Universe.
And there is a Plan and a Place for us. We shall see that. We shall know that. The Universe will open up and make a special place for us, with all that we need provided.
It will be good. Undersdtand thast it is good now.
Learning to own our power will come, if we are open to it. We do not need to stop at powerlessness and helplessness. That is a temporary place where we re-evaluate where we have been trying to have power when we have none.
Once we surrender, it is time to become emppowered. Let the powere come, naturally. It is there. It is ours.
Today, I will be open to understanding what it means to own my power. I will acccept powerlessness where I have no power; I will also accept the power that is mine to receive.
I read this and some of it I don't agree with. The major points of yielding to the power outside of me I really do agree with. I remember feeling that in a physical sense when learning some Tai Chi. I was asked to yield to a person pushing me. At first they pushed gently, getting more forceful. With every push I took a step backwards until there was a point when they pushed their hardest they could not budge me. It was a moment of real enlightenment in a very tangible way to comprehend powerlessness creating empowerment. Surrendering takes practice though. Whether it is human nature, the culture I am within or the parental guidance I received, it is more natural to me to want to have the power. To tell the Universe what it is I want and this is how we are going to get - she said with a knowing smile. I know, I know. Having trust is difficult though when from a very young age it's been troublesome an traumatic. The very people as a baby I was able to trust abused that trust. It is not a good start.
I have gradually developed a sense of the loving Universe but when things happen that hurt in my heart again that faith is once again dented. I am a very fragile being. People don't realise that. Why should they? It's not their issue.
I do believe though and I know that surrendering is the way forward. Acceptance of the Universe how it presents itself is OK and I will be OK whatever happens if that results in death. That's just the way it is. Ageing actually is harder to deal with than death. I feel very sad about. More of me trying to take control and not accept the way of things. I pray daily to the loving Universe to show me It's way and to relieve me from the bondage of self.
Currently I have trouble with their idea of a Plan. The way I interpret this is that everything is all mapped out and that means there is little room for choices and freewill. I really feel that God/Universe created us with freewill and spontaneity is a part of that. We seem to be explorers and adventurers, each individual or as a collective race on a journey of learning and growth. I of course am falling into the same trap of sounding as if I know. It is just how it appears to me but there does not seem to be any laid down Plan to me. I am not heading towards any end destiny, other than Nirvana, death. Whether anything lies beyond that or not is not for me to know it seems and neither does it matter if I am living for today. The present is a gift. I would like to learn to treasure it.
I can apply this to my hurt. I do hurt and it has rocked my faith in humanity and even my purpose. I can hold onto the faith I have in people though. I do not believe the majority of people intend to harm. I certainly don't. I know I do things that disappoint or hurt at times. I make mistakes and the great thing is that these days I attempt to truly learn from them so that I do not repeat the harm or damage. It may not be repairable but I hope that a genuine feeling of remorse goes someway to helping anyone I have harmed to start to heal.
I need that myself. Some people cannot take ownership and I can forgive that too. I know myself how difficult and humbling that experience is. I can say sorry without needing others to take ownership of any part. That is not the purpose of my amends. It is truly for me to be sorry to them.
The past is an opportunity to learn. I know that my childhood has skewed my self esteem. There is a lot to learn from it though.
I have seen that I want to be able to forgive fully. And I want to be able to say this is what I know to be true. Whether I tell the people concerned or not is still out for debate within me. These though are steps to release.
This links with Step Three and the decision to let go. Oddly though I have this chemical in my brain that is removing hope. I feel very low and am seeming to fight with the way the Universe is and feel at times completely hopeless.
I have owned this too. Accepting it helps. I feel overwhelmed at times by even the very simplest thing. I have truly had my Universe rocked. I hadn't realised I was in so deep. It scares me because I only know how to completely close down and I don't want to do that. I want to remain open and loving and retain faith.
I am hoping that by writing, at some point the lessons will be clearer. I learn a little every day and with every experience. And for that I feel blessed for the conscious awareness. I am also glad not to have to be a guru because they are supposed to know and yet I have seen how the all knowing fall hard.
This does create a little problem for me in my job right now. I wish I could have some real time away. I am so looking forward to the end of the month and glad to be getting right away - a different location, peace and quiet with different people. How fortunate I am. Retreat and recuperate.
All this is truly mind meanderings. But also keeps me from worrying about LouLou. I want to get my head into my studies now and hope that I have the concentration to absorb the material. It is fascinating but my mind wanders so easily.
Bliss
X
Step Three
Reading:
Surrendering to a Power Greater than ourselves is how we become empowered .
We become empowered in a new, better, more effective way than we believed possible.
Doors open. Windows open. Possibilities occur. Our energy becomes channeled, at last, in areas and ways that work for us. We become in tune with the Plan for our life and our place in the Universe.
And there is a Plan and a Place for us. We shall see that. We shall know that. The Universe will open up and make a special place for us, with all that we need provided.
It will be good. Undersdtand thast it is good now.
Learning to own our power will come, if we are open to it. We do not need to stop at powerlessness and helplessness. That is a temporary place where we re-evaluate where we have been trying to have power when we have none.
Once we surrender, it is time to become emppowered. Let the powere come, naturally. It is there. It is ours.
Today, I will be open to understanding what it means to own my power. I will acccept powerlessness where I have no power; I will also accept the power that is mine to receive.
I read this and some of it I don't agree with. The major points of yielding to the power outside of me I really do agree with. I remember feeling that in a physical sense when learning some Tai Chi. I was asked to yield to a person pushing me. At first they pushed gently, getting more forceful. With every push I took a step backwards until there was a point when they pushed their hardest they could not budge me. It was a moment of real enlightenment in a very tangible way to comprehend powerlessness creating empowerment. Surrendering takes practice though. Whether it is human nature, the culture I am within or the parental guidance I received, it is more natural to me to want to have the power. To tell the Universe what it is I want and this is how we are going to get - she said with a knowing smile. I know, I know. Having trust is difficult though when from a very young age it's been troublesome an traumatic. The very people as a baby I was able to trust abused that trust. It is not a good start.
I have gradually developed a sense of the loving Universe but when things happen that hurt in my heart again that faith is once again dented. I am a very fragile being. People don't realise that. Why should they? It's not their issue.
I do believe though and I know that surrendering is the way forward. Acceptance of the Universe how it presents itself is OK and I will be OK whatever happens if that results in death. That's just the way it is. Ageing actually is harder to deal with than death. I feel very sad about. More of me trying to take control and not accept the way of things. I pray daily to the loving Universe to show me It's way and to relieve me from the bondage of self.
Currently I have trouble with their idea of a Plan. The way I interpret this is that everything is all mapped out and that means there is little room for choices and freewill. I really feel that God/Universe created us with freewill and spontaneity is a part of that. We seem to be explorers and adventurers, each individual or as a collective race on a journey of learning and growth. I of course am falling into the same trap of sounding as if I know. It is just how it appears to me but there does not seem to be any laid down Plan to me. I am not heading towards any end destiny, other than Nirvana, death. Whether anything lies beyond that or not is not for me to know it seems and neither does it matter if I am living for today. The present is a gift. I would like to learn to treasure it.
I can apply this to my hurt. I do hurt and it has rocked my faith in humanity and even my purpose. I can hold onto the faith I have in people though. I do not believe the majority of people intend to harm. I certainly don't. I know I do things that disappoint or hurt at times. I make mistakes and the great thing is that these days I attempt to truly learn from them so that I do not repeat the harm or damage. It may not be repairable but I hope that a genuine feeling of remorse goes someway to helping anyone I have harmed to start to heal.
I need that myself. Some people cannot take ownership and I can forgive that too. I know myself how difficult and humbling that experience is. I can say sorry without needing others to take ownership of any part. That is not the purpose of my amends. It is truly for me to be sorry to them.
The past is an opportunity to learn. I know that my childhood has skewed my self esteem. There is a lot to learn from it though.
I have seen that I want to be able to forgive fully. And I want to be able to say this is what I know to be true. Whether I tell the people concerned or not is still out for debate within me. These though are steps to release.
This links with Step Three and the decision to let go. Oddly though I have this chemical in my brain that is removing hope. I feel very low and am seeming to fight with the way the Universe is and feel at times completely hopeless.
I have owned this too. Accepting it helps. I feel overwhelmed at times by even the very simplest thing. I have truly had my Universe rocked. I hadn't realised I was in so deep. It scares me because I only know how to completely close down and I don't want to do that. I want to remain open and loving and retain faith.
I am hoping that by writing, at some point the lessons will be clearer. I learn a little every day and with every experience. And for that I feel blessed for the conscious awareness. I am also glad not to have to be a guru because they are supposed to know and yet I have seen how the all knowing fall hard.
This does create a little problem for me in my job right now. I wish I could have some real time away. I am so looking forward to the end of the month and glad to be getting right away - a different location, peace and quiet with different people. How fortunate I am. Retreat and recuperate.
All this is truly mind meanderings. But also keeps me from worrying about LouLou. I want to get my head into my studies now and hope that I have the concentration to absorb the material. It is fascinating but my mind wanders so easily.
Bliss
X
Monday, 7 March 2011
Love
LouLou has an operation tomorrow! Scared for her.
It's always a flipping risk. A whole day worrying now. I don't think I could take anymore loss right now.
Managed to organise myself so that I can be around for her. That's scary too asking for what I would like.
PD is great - all sorted in a flash. He is a good boss.
AB is such a good friend she has invited me around this afternoon - I will study there, have dinner with them and go with RB to Liss Forest this evening.
I feel overwhelmed with emotions - it's not easy being a eprson who doesn't deal with emotions easily.
I am a very senisitive person. I guess it's not easy being on the receiving end of it either.
Oh well this is who I am. Just have to find better ways of managing the emotions.
Crying does help. Wish I could stop though!
Later
Bliss
XX
ps It's such a beautifully sunny day - full of Spring and newness
It's always a flipping risk. A whole day worrying now. I don't think I could take anymore loss right now.
Managed to organise myself so that I can be around for her. That's scary too asking for what I would like.
PD is great - all sorted in a flash. He is a good boss.
AB is such a good friend she has invited me around this afternoon - I will study there, have dinner with them and go with RB to Liss Forest this evening.
I feel overwhelmed with emotions - it's not easy being a eprson who doesn't deal with emotions easily.
I am a very senisitive person. I guess it's not easy being on the receiving end of it either.
Oh well this is who I am. Just have to find better ways of managing the emotions.
Crying does help. Wish I could stop though!
Later
Bliss
XX
ps It's such a beautifully sunny day - full of Spring and newness
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