Morning - I will write until 9:30 and then I have to start my studying. Today seems a brighter day.
Yesterday was low all day. Dark thoughts! I went to the AA meeting, I answered honestly when people asked me how I am feeling now - up and down. I shared about the opening topic gratitude with some ease. I related to the grungy text I was sending to my friend that very morning. I hadn't meant it to be so gloomy and realised it as I was writing it. It was the truth so I didn't cancel it but I was able to add to it all the things that immediately came to mind that I am grateful for.
I am especially grateful to such great friends. I have been able to see them every day whilst I have been feeling so low. They truly are like a loving family.
I have to laugh at me . I sit there listening to people who seem to treat me like I am a newcomer just because I am not feeling so well. Perhaps I do sound like a newcomer, I probably do as with SLA and food I am really not in recovery often.
Anyway it is interesting to watch my ego at play. How important it becomes in my thoughts that they think well of me in some way. "I have 10 years recovery don't you know!!" All hoity toity. Of course I was able to observe this and smile at myself and keep my biting my lips.
Where I haven't bitten my lip and felt really ashamed afterwards was during the royal wedding. Caught up in all the pomp and ceremony and enjoying it, I kept giving snippets of info as to when my mum and dad have been involved and invited to various events involving the Queen and other members of the Royal family. My mum was such a Royalist. It's so egotistical to repeat these things. Tell all how important my mum and dad were. They weren't of course at all important but my dad likes to do the same. Gloat and boast about this encounter or that. And it's all just nonsense really.
I couldn't keep my mouth shut - blah blah blah. It's probably much worse in my mind than anyone actually noticing. But I would prefer to stay humble and not need to mention it at all. I took AB to Buckingham Palace so whether she realised that was special or not I don't know and I don't ave to try and gain any status bigger than I am. It doesn't benefit me. They like me anyway.
Blah blah blah
I observed something else. I love all the ceremony, pomp and pageantry. But I also don't. I don't like how easily I am sucked into it all and become one of the masses. It's like being persuaded by advertising. I think it means that my mind is weak and I don't have any original thought. It's the same with music. I hate it when I am caught by one of those commercial catchy tunes, or films that are made to please the simple masses. I want to be complex and unique in thought etc etc. This too is ego. Just enjoy what I enjoy in the moment. I am unique. I am also part of the mass. I play my part as me as there is no one else like me.
There has been an importance in others seeing me as different. I think this might originate from hearing the negative judgements made about people. Bundling people into boxes and coming to conclusions about them. I didn't want to bundled together like that. It is as if I need to break free of those confines. And yet the simple thing is just to be happy as myself where ever I am and however I am. It's good to be a thinker and ask questions about things I am told, or hear. or see. It's that inquisitiveness that keeps the world magical and expanding. And it's that curiosity too that helps me to decided whether I do like this or that or them. But without negative judgement in the first place. I can accept a piece of music, for example, for it's existence. Learning more about it will help me as me decided whether I as me like it or not. And that's OK.
So it was fun and historical watching the Royal Wedding yesterday. It was interesting hearing the comments made by my friends - how self-assured she looks and comparing her with a 18 year old Diana Spencer. How people speak for others, when we don't even know them. Making assumptions. I listened to RB wanting everything to be romantic and lovely. So when comments were made she made everything lovely. But not in a realistic way, speaking for the people on the screen. It seems suddenly when in the public eye everyone knows them inside out. Ha ha ha
Interesting little observations of interactions, wanting to be very involved and KNOWING.
I did wonder how the Middleton family were feeling about suddenly being launched into the Royal family. It's another great story in history. I suppose every Royal family creates fascinating stories.
I did find it sad when the commentator was talking about statues etc along the way as Prince William and Harry were being driven to Westminster Abbey, and there is nothing to mark the existence of Princess Diana. It seems as if she has been eradicated from the public eye. But there were people in the crowd who did not allow the memory of her to fade. Now that will always be a mystery I suppose - but whatever I have no doubt those young men will have thoughts for her. It's seems such a long time ago.
This period of the Royal family will be an exciting time in the history books. It's no King Henry VIII or Elizabeth I but my there have been some tales to tell. I hope some of the naughtier bits are recorded somewhere and someday the whole truth can be revealed. Of course with time indiscrepancies matter less as no one would be directly affected. I think the public might be horrified if they think they had been duped by the Princess. Amazing after her death how the Royal family once again closed their ranks and we learn less about the insides of their lives than when Princess Diana was out and about revealing all.
Te conspiracy theory can sometimes seem to have substance. How I love intrigue and drama he he he. I am sure this seeps into the ego as well.
I really want to write about my visit with SC. So I need to extend my writing until 10 and then come what may start my studying. Essay one is about the ways which genetics affect human behaviours and individuality of that. The study about genes and cells has been fascinating and gives me the biological element but I need to re-read other parts of the course to bring that into individuality and evidence with behaviours. I haven't quite got the picture yet of the essay to be able to draw that info out yet.
It's normally how it seems to work best - a very basic outline of what I want to get across in each paragraph - then return to find the details and evidence.
I need to think about that today.
Then I need to start the report on the experiment we have been doing. Counting proteins in sections of rat brains. Yuch.
So SC. It was a very helpful session. He reminded me of me. Because I tend to forget that I live with this core damage. He draws it so well and I have a real clear understanding of this....
This shows the concept that as babies we are bundles of vulnerability and anger. In my own opinion I think babies are bundles of more but I agree that there is the demand for needs to be met which is driven by a version of anger. And of course yes babies are totally vulnerable and cannot survive without caregivers providing. The provisions come in the shape of nourishment of course but also nurturing. This means being held and feeling security, love contributing to that security, because if there is love then there will be a strong commitment to provide. There is also teaching and other day to day automatic givings to a baby that is loved. There is evidence of a lacking in the brain development of babies that are not held. In the Romanian orphanages where the babies did not receive any physical contact and there are spaces in the brains. Sadly this never recovers as the importance for this brain development is within the first 5 years. And there are deficiencies in adult life.
Anyhow this diagram shows how the nurturing wraps the anger and vulnerability with all the other things - confidence, love, learning - development basically. Should the infant or child be subjected to any sort of trauma, then a the wound goes straight to the vulnerability and anger. The person then goes about life with this exposed to the world. It will show as well. And unconsciously people will be aware of the vulnerability and the anger, sometimes occurring together and sometimes not. So when this person is re-traumatised the vulnerability and anger are re-triggered.
How I can relate to this is that in my vulnerability, I have a strong desire to be loved. In my ignorance, there was no consciousness to my choices, I became a slave to a Master. I felt loved and nurtured. I was entirely vulnerable. Unfortunately this person was just doing what he does. I believe that he was not consciously aware of the vulnerability within me. However. I am now aware that there are a lot of vulnerable people "playing" at this. I am not judging this as a whole. There are questions I have as to the sexual needs but I can see that perhaps within a relationship that is already loving and assured there is room for games. But where there are strangers meeting strangers there is a potential for issues. Anyway that is not my point, it's simply a question to raise and explore. But those in it would be unlikely to own potential psychological issues at force.
Anyway, anyway. So there I was vulnerable and looking to be loved. In my vulnerability I discovered that I was aroused through sexual acts that were out of my control - so controlled, a bit of a dark exciting side, unknown, pleasing someone else ... etc. There are more things that the arousal came from I suspect but those immediately come to mind. It would be interesting to speak with a Master who is self aware and not just acting still on the internal arousals. Anyhow, Master took this to another level and offered love. I was taken right in and adored him. But the trauma occurred when I learnt that he was lying and continued to lie. What was so shocking, was that there was no need. I had been entirely happy to be nothing more than a slave. So the confusion came when he told me one thing and it was if he threw me away each time when he did another. This of course is my issue nothing to do with him and what he was doing and is reasons for doing it. He was unaware of the inner me. I was unaware of his true wants and needs. I thought I was as open as I knew how to be about what I was wanting and needing. I did not enter into the arrangement wanting him to be my lover.
I can relate back to the trauma in the first place.The sexual, mental and emotional abuse as a child. It was dark, I was controlled, I was scared and yet I only knew that really to be love. It was given and it was taken away at the will of my father. He can still reel me in and then chuck me away even now.
So whilst Master was not my father, there was a re-traumatising. In a different way.
Now the diagrams show how the wound means that there is anger and vulnerability exposed and these explode out. Over time though the person develops caps to try and keep the rage and vulnerability in. So things like an eating disorder, alcohol, drugs, work, sex, money, etc etc addiction if you like can be one sort of cap. It's so powerful that it might take lots of different caps to keep the rage and vulnerability in. But when the wound is re-opened it all spills out again.
I think the vulnerability in me gets me into the situations in the first place. The vulnerability is whooshing out all of the time. When the rage explodes it is powerful but has never been contained as a child. It was just shut off. No one was there to hear and believe and help. That is not said with blame. It's just how it was. I feel sad when I write it because I know my mum loved me and tried to look after me but she was also trying to climb us into better and better. She was a live-wire too and sitting at home looing after a baby was not for her. My dad was the perpetrator. I do have understanding for him too. He was a mixed up man. War weary with no support. His own childhood was full of trauma with even less support than I had and then all is own vulnerability and rage taken into the army where they just latch onto that and create a mean killing machine. That's what he was. How on earth would he have any knowledge about being a father. He has always said he knew he should never have had children. I have always taken that as a direct link with me. But when I stand aside I see exactly what he means. However, he did have me and had a duty as a father not to violate that privilege.
People are so unaware of the things they do and the ways in which they affect their children. Children are different and aware of different things. Each one has a right t be nurtured just as they need to be. Parents are often too busy these days pursuing their own needs. And are unaware of the harm they do. There is no right or wrong way but awareness is so important.
(I wonder if Master would want his daughter playing the way he does with women. I wonder if he puts that out of his head. That s my anger rising. It is none of my business and do not know the way his kids are, only from what he told me. I hear rage and I hear inward thinking. That is all I know. He is not wholly there though ad I did witness that. And of course had not been for a much longer time. In fact his changes probably made him more there than he has been in the past. This is all assumption based on what he told me and I observed. Not fact. This is me thinking and rambling, it snds judgemental and is my continuing hurt, wanting the man I wanted to be able to love to be something else. He is who he is and that's that. The reality is I do not judge when I remove myself from the equation.)
Back to me as this really is not about anyone else. I really did love him. The trauma was reignited and then the rage started to explode. I didn't like the person I saw Iw as becoing in this rage and also that the rage was uncontainable or that's how it felt. Together with the sifts of hormones within me I became unable to deal with the explosion occurring and was copletely in trauma again. The wound wide open exposing my anger and vulnerability. I collapsed.
I have asked before and asked again about the healing. Is it possible to heal. I thought when I was entering into the M/s relationship that there was a safety in it. Exploring the sexuality that has always been there and never before toyed with in this way. But the wound was still very fresh. SC suggested that I need to get everything into recovery. Food, sex and love, of course alcohol and drugs (goes without saying) etc etc. I need to be attending meetings, espcially OA as the food and the sex and love are so entwined. I need to start working with a sponsor - that means finding a sponsor in SLAA again. I need to be setting bottom lines, basically everything in that area needs to be solid!
I need help containing the rage - and that can come through the rooms, friends, support, and therapy. And over time the wound will heal.
I was saying jst yeaterday I think that I would never find a man attractive who doesn't have a little bt of a dark side and that is an adventurer and is intelligent and questioning. I found JH attractive but it was the Master dark side that was the intital meeting between us. He said that he was new to it himself. There was a lovingness from him and I even right at this moment all the things that were glorious to be with I still see that so strongly.
So it is difficult to imagine that with my healing there will be change in my needs. I will not need that dark side. Even as I write it I feel the sense of mischief and excitement that comes with it. I must turn to the light when I sense that in me. I can do that to and feel fresh air and lightness and sheer awe at the wonder - it's upward and airy. Just the things I heard from the Bishop of London yesterday feel wholesome and so much better than that heavier and all encompassing darker side.
It's difficult to let go of I guess for anyone that has had that input as a child and I have. With the dark side of my dad came fun and when he was attached he took me along with him. I felt held by someone who seemed strong and nothing could happen to me whilst I was with him.
That makes me so tearful because I want that still but don't know how to have that without all the SHIT!
I can see it SC, I really can. I want to be free of it but am scared that I am letting go the very life of me. The dark side seems to be energy and motivation at times.
It's then that I think there is no point. I am too old and there is no future and fuck it - lets do away with me now and end the misery for me and anyone else.
I amscared to do it yet welsome it strongly. I get a sense of calm as I think about not existing anymore. It would be final.
Yet I want to feel the meaning of words like I heard yesterday. I want to be close and engaged with people that can think and feel like that.
I feel an indescribable feeling when I think of love and connectedness, and wisdom and truth, balance. The Universe. It takes the dark side too. It is wholesome. Without knowing the darkside it is not possible to turn away from it. I guess there are people who only see light from the moment of their existence. This are truly enlightened souls. I am on a journey of discovery and would I really want to cut that short.
Sometimes it seems so. Then when I turn to the light I can see what learning I have, experiences have shown me so so much! I can embrace that.
Bliss
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