In time and space, Bliss, if you just look for what's right - in others, in relationships, in yourself and your journey - you'll always find it.
Same when looking for what's wrong.
Tallyho,
The Universe
Well the awareness of rage and anger is trully helping, as in the last two days I seem to have a reprieve from the deadly thinking.
I was aware of sitting and feeling angry at how JP had left without any explanation all those years ago now. And I could observe me in that anger. It has subsided now because of time and actually I think I am left with more loving thoughts. I would prefer an explanation still and I would hope by now that there has been some room for change and at least courteous behaviour. I also observed how vulnerable and unsafe in that vulnerability I felt. I need some time to create my safety but I was also comfortable that me as a person is OK. I think if this had been in a deadly dread moment it could have been very different and turned inwards.
And it seems there is more synchronisation with the Universe. The messages I am receiving are more meanginful for me. That's just the way it goes. I have been very out of synch which has been a difficult time for me. Maybe things are becoming more aligned and I can hear and see more clearly when the deadly dread isn't hanging over me. Perhaps that will lift with the synchronisation too. As I write this it brings to mind how of the Step 10 list I have been in the last year. It didn't need to be that way but I stepped off the path - quite a lot. This brings me into conflict then with the M/s stuff. The external criticism or an inner discmfort? I am not sure which right now and that is still to be exlored I guess within a very closed and safe environment. I am yet to find the person that I feel I can trust to discuss these things - not in a sexual manner but in a practical and open discussion to explore my sexuality around this. There is a lot to explore in terms of self understanding without needing to be n the middle of it all.
So yes I sat and I listened last evening identifying similarites but also acknowledging differences. When I listened to JP it wasn't so much listening for me within what she was saying but taking inventory of her. I can be gently with yself about this because the hurt in me wants to protect me and keep her away. The loving part of me can reflect on this today. I was scared, you know, that she would be sounding all entirely well and holy somehow. I have heard JP like that when knowing the reality isn't actually how she has told it. But actually I thought she sounded very genuine - not trying to be perfect and acknowledging excitement whilst all the difficult emotions too. Some things sounded as if they continue to be troublesome for her. It was a relief to hear that.
It was also lovely that a couple otheres there were familiar to me and very warm and friendly. I did not feel out on my own and having to be ready for battle.. I could be soft and gentle.
I was able to share how despite difficulties in the relationship I had had last year, there had also been growth - an awareness was brought to me about me which happened to coin cide with matters with my dad taking a change. This, blended with hormonal shifts has brought me to my knees. Excrutiating as it is at times I am keeping afloat. Sometimes it's scant. But it's sufficient to keep at least on ths spot.
Today I can see it because I am not in the thick of the black cloud with it's poison pores choking my veins.
http://podcast.open.ac.uk/oulearn/science/biology/podcast-fsc-dna-rna-protein-formation
I have been sent a great podcast from the OU - it's just made the understanding I have of DNA, transcription and translation so much clearer. Why they didn;t give this to us in the first place instead of the complicated texts - phew thank goodness I was able to persistently ask questions until they thought to send me this. I am grateful for thte forums which give me a degree of anonymity and the space to work somewhat at my speed and level. This type of working is appropriate for me. Whilst I have questions in the classroom assimilating all the information is quite tricky.
Dyslexia? Maybe
Next I need to contact my dyslexic tutor. I do not want him in my home though.
Sure to be more
Bliss
X
Same when looking for what's wrong.
Tallyho,
The Universe
Well the awareness of rage and anger is trully helping, as in the last two days I seem to have a reprieve from the deadly thinking.
I was aware of sitting and feeling angry at how JP had left without any explanation all those years ago now. And I could observe me in that anger. It has subsided now because of time and actually I think I am left with more loving thoughts. I would prefer an explanation still and I would hope by now that there has been some room for change and at least courteous behaviour. I also observed how vulnerable and unsafe in that vulnerability I felt. I need some time to create my safety but I was also comfortable that me as a person is OK. I think if this had been in a deadly dread moment it could have been very different and turned inwards.
And it seems there is more synchronisation with the Universe. The messages I am receiving are more meanginful for me. That's just the way it goes. I have been very out of synch which has been a difficult time for me. Maybe things are becoming more aligned and I can hear and see more clearly when the deadly dread isn't hanging over me. Perhaps that will lift with the synchronisation too. As I write this it brings to mind how of the Step 10 list I have been in the last year. It didn't need to be that way but I stepped off the path - quite a lot. This brings me into conflict then with the M/s stuff. The external criticism or an inner discmfort? I am not sure which right now and that is still to be exlored I guess within a very closed and safe environment. I am yet to find the person that I feel I can trust to discuss these things - not in a sexual manner but in a practical and open discussion to explore my sexuality around this. There is a lot to explore in terms of self understanding without needing to be n the middle of it all.
So yes I sat and I listened last evening identifying similarites but also acknowledging differences. When I listened to JP it wasn't so much listening for me within what she was saying but taking inventory of her. I can be gently with yself about this because the hurt in me wants to protect me and keep her away. The loving part of me can reflect on this today. I was scared, you know, that she would be sounding all entirely well and holy somehow. I have heard JP like that when knowing the reality isn't actually how she has told it. But actually I thought she sounded very genuine - not trying to be perfect and acknowledging excitement whilst all the difficult emotions too. Some things sounded as if they continue to be troublesome for her. It was a relief to hear that.
It was also lovely that a couple otheres there were familiar to me and very warm and friendly. I did not feel out on my own and having to be ready for battle.. I could be soft and gentle.
I was able to share how despite difficulties in the relationship I had had last year, there had also been growth - an awareness was brought to me about me which happened to coin cide with matters with my dad taking a change. This, blended with hormonal shifts has brought me to my knees. Excrutiating as it is at times I am keeping afloat. Sometimes it's scant. But it's sufficient to keep at least on ths spot.
Today I can see it because I am not in the thick of the black cloud with it's poison pores choking my veins.
http://podcast.open.ac.uk/oulearn/science/biology/podcast-fsc-dna-rna-protein-formation
I have been sent a great podcast from the OU - it's just made the understanding I have of DNA, transcription and translation so much clearer. Why they didn;t give this to us in the first place instead of the complicated texts - phew thank goodness I was able to persistently ask questions until they thought to send me this. I am grateful for thte forums which give me a degree of anonymity and the space to work somewhat at my speed and level. This type of working is appropriate for me. Whilst I have questions in the classroom assimilating all the information is quite tricky.
Dyslexia? Maybe
Next I need to contact my dyslexic tutor. I do not want him in my home though.
Sure to be more
Bliss
X
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