Blameless

Since ancient times it has been the case that those who speak too much are criticised, as are those who speak too little and those who don't speak at all. Everyone in this world is criticised. There never was, nor will there be, nor is there now, anybody who is only blamed or wholly praised.
Dhammpada v. 227-8

Ajahn Munindo says ...
Whatever we do in this life, whatever we say (or don't say), we cannot avoid being criticised. The Buddha was blamed and criticised just like everyone else. To seek only praise and fear blame is fruitless. The only blame with which we really need to be concerned is that which is offered by the wise. If someone who lives impeccably criticises us, it is appropriate to heed what they say. But if we find that any criticism from anybody hurts us, then we need to look deeper. Reflect that in blaming, people send out the pain that they don't have the ability to contain; that they express their hurt outwardly by finding fault with others. When we have the midfulness and capacity to receive ourselves fully, we are not inclined to blame anyone - ourselves or others.

Mmmm well this is interesting. In my hurt I can quickly point the finger. It's an angry reaction. I was pleased that I was able to tell my dad that I don't blame him. I can say that I have feelings about his behaviour. How it's been for me and that's what I was trying to stick with. I understand though. I think I was quite accustational with JH and owe him an apology for that. It was hurt. I was hurt. It's funny because I can still feelo that hurt when I think about what happened. It was a big thing. I felt so disappointed and let down by him. The lack of ownership and a seeming lack of a desire to want to change and love me was so painful. It's not his fault of course. It was circumstances. I know that it was hurt and I foudn it so difficult to contain. I tried but at times I could not and it landed all over him. With my dad there were moments when my hurt oozed out. I would like to be able to talk more rationally and assure him fully that I do not blame him. I do understand.
I am learning mindfulness and glad that I am not so punishing and blaming of me. This is all steps towards growth and at least I am trying. So be kind to me too. There is no need to blame myself for not getting things just as I think they should be to be perfect.

Bliss
xx

Kinky Kinks

Dirty old river, must you keep rolling
Flowing into the night
People so busy, makes me feel dizzy
Taxi light shines so bright
But I don't need no friends
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Terry meets Julie, Waterloo Station
Every Friday night
But I am so lazy, don't want to wander
I stay at home at night
But I don't feel afraid
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Millions of people swarming like flies 'round Waterloo underground
But Terry and Julie cross over the river
Where they feel safe and sound
And they don't need no friends
As long as they gaze on Waterloo sunset
They are in paradise

Waterloo sunset's fine

Timeliness

It is wisdom that enables letting go of a lesser happiness in pursuit of a happiness which is greater.
Dhammapada v.290

Ajahn Munindo's contemplations of this.
The filters of our preferences tragically limit our seeing. We want to let go of that which binds us but often our will fails us. Wise reflection can support will - it is will's best friend. Will is not meant to do it alone. The verse encourages us to reflect on how letting go of our attachment to a lesser happiness can lead to gaining a greater happiness. Lost in our attachments, we can see only that which we stand to lose by letting go. Wise thinking means we see what we stand to lose as well as what we stand to gain. Wise reflection opens and broadens our vision and enables pursuit of the goal.

Yes I read and I understand what is being said. Something though that still comes to mind is that to let go some of the emotions need to be acknowledged and understood and worked through. Otherwise the letting go means not learning about self and my part in the attachment and also the patterns of behaviour. In letting go what I would like to be able to do is change my own patterns. That will mean that I will not move on to another person, place or situation in a similar pattern.
Also the extent of the attachment as with my father is my entire life. And by meeting the difficulties head on I can feel there is room for healing and letting go without just trying to forget and move on. It will be a completed transaction in a way. I am beginning to feel that. I have expressed my feelings and can start the forgiveness now. He knows how I have felt and there is no need for anything to change from here on, but my truth is out there. Oh yes I feel the healing starting. And then I can start to let go and move on. With each letting go comes a lot of work beforehand. If the work isn't done it's not a letting go it's merely and ignoring. I suppose people will do that work in different ways and to different to depths. The deeper the work the more complete the letting go in my own opinion. I see that time and again. It doesn't mean anything at all needs to change in the person, place or situation. The change is within.
The better practiced the easier. There is nothing as great as the troublesome relationship I have had with my father. And if I can move further and further away from that with each boundary, each change I make in me then I am better equipped to step along the spiritual path. My father will no longer be my Higher Power. The way, the path, can be my Higher Power. I am developing trust.
So this experience was emotionally incredibly difficult but I have survived despite wanting to be dead.
I hope now that  can learn to manage the bi-polar. Embrace the alertness to the world it brings in the manic phases. And learn to stay safe in the depressive phases. The desire to be dead is a problem!

So my wisdom is coming through knowing I need to let go but before I can I have to let go of not just the bigger picture which is the ultimate aim but each little detail in between.

Ajahn Munindo himself says that knowing what we should do, i.e. letting go is not always helpful. But to become aware of clinging and looking into what this experience is like consciousl is more helpful. Then we can work towards letting go.

I give thanks to the Buddha and to the monks that continue to follow his path to enlightenment and share their wisdom with me

Bliss
XX

Universe thank you for bringing this far and please help me to continue along this path of letting go of attachment to people, places and things. But to appreciate everything whilst I am in that moment.
X

Peace of the earlyness

 PD May2011

I don't know where to begin!
I met my dad. It was so difficult. I was so close to tears from the off-set that I had to maintain this strong boundary and not get too caught up in emotional content. But he kept pushing buttons and eventually we started going through the photos. He said he was finding it difficult. This enabled me to say how it had been for me too. He asked if I would trust him to take them all home and him go through them at home. I said not really. I reminded him several times that he had actually thrown them all out and I asked him why. He said that it was all the shock at the time and he still cannot look at mum's photos easily. It hurts so much. I didn't see the hurt. We were able to start talking about some of the photos when I asked who this was or where that was etc.
I was very tearful.
As we left he said sorry as he could see that was difficult for me. I said it wasn't just the photos it was a lifetime of difficulty.
.... to be honest I can't be bothered to write it all down now.
A lot was said. I agreed that I had been a lot of trouble. And I also said that I had a lot of memories from childhood - I talked about wanting to be loved by him but never feeling good enough through the messages I have received. Blah blah blah.
This was all in the car park of the silly restaurant that we meet up at. It felt as if it was a chore for him anyway and only because I had become upset on the phone with him.
It would be wonderful to be wanted by him. That has always been missing. At one point he did say that if I felt that it had always been so difficult then maybe we should cut contact. Bloody hell that hurt. If I had wanted to do that I would have done it by now. And here he was saying that we should, when I have felt certain that he has wanted to do that. In fact I think he very nearly did having moved and only telling me some weeks later.
He said that he had to go because he felt dreadful. I said I did too which was unnecessary to say.
He just phoned to wish me a happy birthday. I asked how he is. He replied saying that he hadn't slept at all, which is of course an exaggeration as when I said I had been up since 6:30 and walked this morning in the early morning peace he laughed that he can't do that anymore and had only just got up. 9:15. Anyway we did leave. I felt terrible. I wondered what the hell I had done. I couldn't get much further than the other side of the A3. I had to pull over. I sat there for probably an hour crying and arguing why I should not walk n front of a lorry on the A3. I thought if I jumped into it I would certainly die with their high speed. I really wanted to die, not a cry for help or a gesture. Just to be dead and end all of this fucking nonsense. I contemplated this amidst tears and wondering if I had made it all up, If the bi-polar in fact makes me misconceive things and it's all about me yet he had uttered those words again about knowing he was a terrible father. My mind was so racing that I could not think of any specific examples just general feelings and so I thought I was just selfish and thoughtless. I thought I had done it all wrong. I sent a text to SC saying so and apologising that I was texting on a Sunday. I was in absolute turmoil and fighting with myself about living or dieing. Then I decided not to for the time being and instead just drive - just keep driving with nothing more than I have and disappear. I knew LouLou would be loved and looked after - there is no possession that I need. I could just start driving there and then. And at that moment my phone rang. It was my dad. He wanted to know where I was, I told him. Of course I had wanted him to have come looking for me. He didn't obviously. He said he was sorry, that he knew there were problems and that we would meet very soon and talk about things. During his call this morning I didn't get that feeling that it was going to happen as his words had changed and he was saying that he can't change the past but could make amends in the future. Maybe he is following some spiritual path now, who knows? He wouldn't tell me if he was. And I am still angry about the past. I have to deal with that anger elsewhere. When I mention my anger immediately JH comes to mind and the contempt he felt about anger. He didn't like anger and implied that he had looked at it and let go. So when I acknowledge my anger and own it I feel shame, as if it's wrong. I am sure it is not just JH's attitude that provokes this shame but many similar messages throughout the years. The Victorian era was of course all about self containment and expression of self was curbed. Since then it's evolved into complete suppression. And hence it builds up. I have years of anger bursting out of me now. Clean and sober of most things this year and the strong of events of my life all leading to the explosion and expression of this anger. Containing it is necessary and I am not so good at that. So when my dad talked about making amends I feel so hurt that it has taken me to express all these things and also the anger has a vent now.
So his call calmed me and suddenly I wondered if the belief that I had done it wrong and was possibly monumental afterburn. I had said things I have never said. I was accusational at times. I was able to apologise for the way it all blurted out. Anyway lets see what happens. This morning in his call he excused himself of the threat. The threat was not a threat of violence, he explained. I asked what "or else meat"? And he replied that he was going to say he wouldn't bother to ask me anymore about the photos but I cut him short. Which of course I did no such thing but it would be impossible for him to sit with the fact that he used a threatening manner. I feel guilty and wrong for having pointed it out yet I know rationally I am just stating the boundaries I have and it's revealing truths which no one likes. My problem is that I get very emotional around it because I am sacred of losing the person as well. It may well end up that way. At one point I do recall pointing out that he is the father and that's all I have ever wanted. I don't recall with what statement of argument that was in connection with. He asked what I wanted him to do at another point and I suggested that eh could some and meet my therapist with me. Of course he balked at the idea, reminding me that he doesn't believe in them. Which of course means he doesn't believe in what I am doing for my work. That's his prerogative of course but more reason for me to know he has no respect for my work.

I went and collected LouLou, with flowers and chocolates as a way of saying sorry explaining that I had had an "to do" with my dad. I am sure my puffy eyes were a give away. I texted ML and she was very good at keeping me focused on contacting professional support. I had thrown away the out of hours number. I tried to get it from answer machines etc but no joy. I spoke later with AM as I knew that I was putting a lot on ML and she is not feeling so good herself right at the moment. AM listened and was amazed at what I have done. I cried some more as it was the first time of uttering a sound for hours and otherwise it had all been whirring around my head. It still is, and now out through my finger tips too.
I was definitely manic. I could feel and when out walking I was thinking rapidly and busy wilst walking. I wondered if this was started by the texting every thought and experience last year to JH. It was amazing to be able to do that and someone seemed interested. Maybe though it developed an addiction or was it the reappearance of manic phases coming back more and more? Because here I am wantng to share mnute by minute little details. Poor ML. How can I do that differently so that I am not a bother to people. I have this flipping blog but this is a splurge of thoughts and feelings and descriptions. The minute by minute experiences. What shall I do with those? Maybe that's why Stephen Fry uses Twitter. It would make sense. But it's also knowing someone has read and absorbed the thoughts - that's important too. Wanting to be known and heard.

So I channeled the energy into a sketch for PD. As above. I realised I thought yet again I was better than I actually was. Ideas of grandeur that PD can start putting up some erotic art created by me. Who the hell do I think I am? In the words of Bob Marley. I can feel the hyper mood today as well. And channelling that into study is difficult. I want to read lots of information about different thigns. I want to sketch. I want more than one thing, I want everything.

Anyway study I must ....

Meeting at AB's at 3:30 with AB, RB, KM and ML for a walk. Then back for yummy scrummy chocolate cake. Then later we will go to the Indian restaurant with GB as well for a lovely meal. Nice!

I have added this as teh Universe sent it to me and this I must remember. My dad is a mere human being with his own shortcomings and his own childhood that was screwed up. He had little direction of good parenting. Then on top of that he was a military man through and through. I understand and can say this to him. It's just hurting me as I want my dad. I will phone him and say this to him.

I'll love you no matter which path you choose, Bliss, and more, I'll be there ahead of you.
We one,
    The Universe

Happy 30th May everyone
Bliss
XX


ps I phoned my dad and although it was awkward for him I simply said that I do not blame him at all. I want to explain that further some time. But right now it was important for him to know I do not blame him. I understand.
x

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday Dear Bliss,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!
A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Bliss doesn't come along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.
Quite simply:
You're the kind of person, Bliss,
Who's hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million
To the people you've met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don't know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!
 Bliss, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Bliss!
The Universe
PS - Bliss, this is going to be YOUR year!!

Get into the rhythm of the mumble

First draft of a new poem - contributions welcomed....
I find it most distasteful
That spiders leave the cadaverous carcasses abandoned,
Sucked of their life,
The web starts to look rather macabre.
Who would want to live there?
The black widow sits in the middle, 
But these
Eye spy from a dark corner,
One sensitive toe on the vibrator thread,
Patiently waiting for a luscious sucker.


On Thursday my dad called and left a message on my answer machine. It was playing on my mind. I was too late to call back and anyway. So there was the essence of fear across my existence until I called him back on Friday evening.
Before I made the call I didn't stop and consider how I was. A mistake. I need to stop and make this consideration and get myself supported and level. I was too complacent after recent times when he has been
My first mistake was to have opened a letter from the RAC saying that they had not received my returned car insurance policy so have not refunded the large sum of money yet. My first thought is that it's a conspiracy and a way to just keep my money longer. Like I think it was a conspiracy that they did not have the details of accidents in the last 5 years (that incidentally were not my fault), for which I am penalised grossly and something that seems unfair, increasing my insurance cost beyond what is reasonable in my opinion. So at the moment they have a lot of my money and I am struggling financially. Hence I had called and asked my dad, taking much courage but also shame inducing, to ask him if I could borrow some money to tide me over. I was on a back foot. I have felt pride that I have taken care of myself without him for these last 10 years. I have taken responsibility of my money. Oh and the trouble I have had makes so much sense now looking at the implications of bi-polar. Irrational spending and out of control. For so long  have needed help and yet within my family I was just punished.
So back to the point. Although all points are relevant. ....
The point is that I felt angry and powerless with the RAC and scared that I am going to lose the money which every penny matters a lot to me right now. So I was walking through my flat muttering "bastards, bastards, bastards" I felt very stitched up all round by them and hate that feeling of injustice. The big boys always win and I and others like me are always poor, poorer, poorest. Will do my bit and then will have to let go and trust. At least I am able to identify the anger in me and let it pass acknowledged and not suppressed. I have a call to make to them - that's my part then. It's for some reason always difficult for me to actually make calls to what I perceive are people in power. Having said that I have managed to call my GP, the care co-ordinator and left a message with my Psych's PA to request he calls me. And I rationally explained my situation with the meds.
Yes, I felt uncomfortable with my request. My dad had agreed and said to call at the end of this month to make the arrangements. In the message he had left on my answer machine he stated that he had sent my card. And following his conversation with me on the last occasion we met he had said I was not to mention anything on the phone or write to thank him etc as he didn't want his wife, Theresa, to know anything about what he does. So I assumed the mention of the card meant he had sent me a cheque. I was rather hoping it was a gift - which it turns out to be but I found that out after a lot of angst about other matters. I will get there and explain. So also before phoning him back, I opened the envelope and a cheque dropped out. A very generous £500. I had to look closely as the numbers looked like he had written a six yet the written word looked like five. His writing is very spidery. I wonder where he was taught as I have never seen writing like it anywhere else and usually there is a basic style. I suppose if I screw my eyes and don;t where glasses there could be a link with Italic. I was taught italic at junior school and developed my own style I suppose which is nothing like italic now.
So I was looking at the guilt evoking cheque. The guilt is mine but of course the whole interaction of a lifetime with my dad and money does contribute to why I feel guilty and ashamed.

THEN ... he said and bring those photographs or else .....
My first reaction was that I had already taken him the photographs. And I do feel sure that I have. He said no I haven't so repeated bring them or else. I felt uncertain then and as if I had been so naughty was a bad person. Back-footed. So I raised my voice (which was the start of me not liking how I become with him). But within all that happened next I maintained my boundaries. I said there was no need to threaten me and asked what he meant by or else? He said he wasn't threatening me and I repeated to him his words. He flustered. I also said that if he could remember when he was throwing away everything from his and mums house after she died, and at this point I could feel the real hurt rising fast and started to feel tearful, that he hadn't wanted the photographs and was going to burn them. So I had taken them all. I said that I had them in a suitcase and had thrown away a lot of the scenery photos and just kept the people. I also explained that they were out of an y order. I still feel certain I have given him the photographs. He assured me he would return them and that he just wanted to take some copies of particular photos. I have not had back the photos I have already given him and I know I have as I remember at this moment now the photos I found.
When I said the word mum I started crying. It's all so painful still but of course not as bad as it was. It's just added to because I have so much grievance with my dad. It's like I lose my mum every time. Him marrying so soon after she died and getting rid of their home as quickly as possible has all looked to me like he couldn't wait to get away from that life. And of course the cutting contact with anyone they had ever known together - and sometimes he has nearly done it with me so many times. I feel rejected every time and unlovable. It hurts so badly. The little child in me needing parental love and safety. Never has been there.
And then he moaned. He said Oh don't cry. And of course I now how he hates sniveling people because that's what he has always said. He has always called me sniveller. And referred to his mother as a sniveller and I could hear the contempt in his voice. So more messages subtly passed on. He said calm down and he would call back in a few minutes. I said I just felt hurt and sad that's all. I explained that I was going out so would see him Sunday as arranged, and at that point he changed it to 12 at The Red Lion Chalton, where we have met before for a meal. It's averagely OK. There probably won;t be any tables though as for some reason it's popular. I said OK see you then and as I was putting the phone down I could hear him talking. As I put the phone down the hurt changed into rage. Explosive rage.
I was aware from all that I have been doing with SC that I needed to contain the rage as it was murderous. And with me feeling angry at myself for crying ( although I have since changed my mind about the crying ) and for raising my voice I could easily turn that in on me. Murder him or murder me and as I would not murder him ( well not as yet anyway, never say never, especially as apparently a high percentage of murders are by people the victims know well - I can't remember the proportion right now) it could easily turn into self harming etc. Every birthday for some reason there is an incident with my dad and I am not sure if it is the birthday or the money. When he gave me money towards the purchase of my car he was just rude about me to the salesman. Rude actually is an understatement, he was abusive and completely inappropriate.
So I sent a text to ML, with many, many expletives. She invited me to call by saying that she could listen. I needed to leave to get to the meeting, even though now I didn't want to go. I felt the rage and the power that comes with that. I drove crazily and ranted on and on about him and what he had said and things he had done - all the resentments exploding out of me including mention of his wife. On and ON driving far too fast so much so that I was way too early for the meeting when I had thought I would be late. Under normal circumstances I would have been.
So I sat and ranted more. Then I made ML and myself laugh as I said that with my dad being such a bigot and prejudiced, I would give the money he had given to me, to a charity involving black people or something and get them to write a letter of thanks to him. He would explode!!!!! ML asked me to consider this before I did. I was still in rage but laughed at myself. Of course incidents such as this would arouse the rage in me - all the terror and anger from my childhood but I would explode mildly directly with him because he would hit me or be more verbally abusive and crush me. So I would leave and in rage the power would become rebellion which over the years grew and grew with more destructive behaviours. So this would easily have become a purge first of any food, violently with masses and masses of laxatives. Then I would drive erratically and dangerously into London, get very drunk and drugged up and find someone to "shag" and I use that word with the violence and disgust that it sounds like anyway. My dad calls it shagging - women who just shag anyone including me. He "shagged" me but seems to forget that somehow.
I feel so much emotion as I am writing this. I cried when writing the word my mum, all sorts of memories of her and how much I miss her. How for so long she was in the middle of all of this. Yet she never seemed to do anything to stop it. I think she tried with my dad then she would try and persuade me to fall into line. Grrr forever it's been such a fucking nonsense. And now I am feeling both incredibly sad yet fucking furious. I am typing at a speed.
So I got to the AA meeting and the chair shared about anger as a trigger. I shared back about the prior events and emotions and what might have happened in the past but what I had done instead - containment, support from a friend and a meeting and how the enormity of the rage was subsiding. Success!
I was writing to that friend this morning after having been out last night and here is the copy of my texts......
Well it's a long time since I have got back from a night out dancing at this time. Thank you for coming tonight. Sorry you felt uncomfortable and needed to go. I know that so well. I am too old as feel Knackered like I used after two weeks of out and about with snatches I'd sleep. Hug x
I have just realised that I need to be careful from a different  angle when I meet my dad today. Thankfully I have considered how I am feeling after expressing my feelings with my dad and setting a boundary with his threatening and abusive manner. After he apologised I felt empowered and also amazed - and an excitement has emerged too. On the outside I feel calm but inside I am still raging. It is taking a new shape and it's as if now the enemy is down I can get him calmly and easily inflicting fatal injuries cruelly. Its what he does to me - wields one de saying blow and whilst I am writhing in pain and weak jabs with more just enough to leave me alive but fatal nonetheless. So how do I behave. I do not want to do this. I have done it before with him i know. Gleefully find his Achilles heel and attack. I am thinking I must try and stay with my feelings but at the moment I feel powerful. This also leaves me vulnerable because he will be looking to attack me back. I get caught unaware. It all sounds like a battlefield but it has always been a feeling of attack and defence.  How do I behave to enable me to step out of the war. Be me but lose
sense of me in the I have just realised that I need to be careful from a different  angle when I meet my dad today. Thankfully I have considered how I am feeling after expressing my feelings with my dad and setting a boundary with his threatening and abusive manner. After he apologised I felt empowered and also amazed - and an excitement has emerged too. On the outside I feel calm but inside I am still raging. It is taking a new shape and it's as if now the enemy is down I can get him calmly and easily inflicting fatal injuries cruelly. Its what he does to me - wields one devastating blow and whilst I am writhing in pain and weak jabs with more just enough to leave me alive but fatal nonetheless. So how do I behave. I do not want to do this. I have done it before with him i know. Gleefully find his Achilles heel and attack. I am thinking I must try and stay with my feelings but at the moment I feel powerful. This also leaves me vulnerable because he will be looking to attack me back. I get caught unaware. It all sounds like a battlefield but it has always been a feeling of attack and defence.  How do I behave to enable me to step out of the war. Be me but lose defensive/murderous rage. Just realised it means being me in sense of I love art and music. I enjoy trying to sketch. I like attempting to write poetry and am amazed by the wonder of micro creations in our body. In awe at the creation going on in us. I am challenged by living on a daily basis and live in fear. I have great people in my life. I am ashamed of my status - so little to show for my successful business life in the past. Yet also OK with the lack of burden possessions can bring to me. I am both excited and afraid by my mental health. Wanting to learn  how to blossom from it rather than be shacked by it. I danced last night - felt free and energised rising through the screaming paranoia. Can't always do that though and that's OK too. Who else am I?
I am not a person who wants or likes to inflict pain when someone is down. I wouldn't do that to anyone - so I need to contain the rage in all it's manifestations. I am so hurt and desperate to be loved and know I am
Lovable which leaves me vulnerable with only childlike defences in an adult body and mind. I never want to be cruel only understanding and kind. I want to find compassion for my dad without that meaning my boundaries become mush again.

So more realisation - I have a picture in my head of a bird of pray attacking another bird in the air. I can see it in my mind's eye. It's such a vicious fight, and looks horrendous and frightening. Then one bird falls, straight down incurring even more devastating injuries. The the bird of prey sits on his victim and pecks away or stabs with its claws but still not killing it.
I do not want to enter into the fight int he first place but sometimes I am required to beat away the attack and hope to develop my boundaries and my belief in them.
For now I need to know how to be today. I am trying to be myself without leaving myself exposed and vulnerable. It feels very confusing. I am scared. I am meeting him very soon and need to get bathed and dressed.


He he he my lovely friend just called to say Happy Birthday and it's tomorrow. She was all sleepy and confused. I love her.

Off to get ready and consider how I remain composed without being controlling and isolated. How to be me and be OK.
Do I tell him about the bi-polar? I want to because I think it's important as an explanation of some of the years behind me and the way it's appeared as if I am simply bad and useless. But I think it's also risky with him. I don;t have to tell him today. I can get some thoughts and support from others about this and always tell him another time if it's relevant.

Bliss
XXX

Change Change Change

You can change a great many things, Bliss.
Or you can change.
Same-same,
    The Universe

I am changing - everything is always changing.
I cannot change anything - all I can do is change myself. I can change by telling people how I feel about thier behaviours or their attitude etc.
I thought tonight I was gettign a telling off from my friend but actually I have realised she was struggling with me having feelings. I was getting irritated at first but as I realised that it was her difficulty with my feelings I could let go and listen.
I had left work and collected LouLou - realising very quickly AB was drunk. My problem is that I am high. Having finally been diagnosed bi-polar I am truly aware.
Dr L diagnosed this years ago. But I never followed it up. I have always known really. It's the way I am the polar opppsite of myself - ha ha excuse the pun. There's the apparent addictive tendency of always thinking the grass is greener on the other side even when that's where I have just come from. Then there is the wanting one thing but also wanting the exact opposite at other times. I describe this as absolutely adoring the city. Wanting to be there, in the lights, the buzz, the nightlife, the everything city -London, New York, Paris, any city. But then in another mood I only want the countryside. The fresh air, the quietness and slowness, the quaint, the space. My mum has always said I am like the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forhead. When she was god she was very, very good. But when she was bad she was horrid.
That was and has been me. I have wnated to be so so good but then it's like a complete turn in my head and I have wanted to be partying and the wild child. I have caused chaos. I have always thought that the alcohol was the least of my problems and that I didn't need alcohol actually for the wild times to begin. I needed the alcohol to get over the shame of what I thought I might have done the night before.

I called my friend (actually she called me) After leaving AB's I went to Tesco. I could feel the hig. I was walking around feeling grandiose. As if I was fantastic. My friend suggested better than everyone else but no not that but just as if I was fantastic. She asked what was wrong with that and there was nothing tonight as I am taking notice of every little signal in me. But on past occasions that would cause me to strutt around as if I was fantastic and I would overspend and look at men trying to attract their attention. Thinking too that they are all looking at me anyway. This I know is thinking and behaviour associated with bi-polar. Yet I have thought all the time I am just bad. I struggled shopping not knowing what to buy. I couldn't get out quick enough and I was already aware that I would not prepare any of the food I had bought. I am not hungry! Never am at the moment. I am flipping high. It's exhausting too.
I got in the car and was so relieved to have got there safely. I wanted to tell my dad and for him to just hold me and say it's OK but I know that's not ever ever going to happen. I feel so scared. I fell like it's too much to manage. I refuse outright to take the medication. The psychiatrist wants me to start taking Pregabalin. I refuse. I know it detaches people slightly. it's not like an antidepressant. I will NOT!!! I need the psychiatrist to support me in this. I do not want to be the zombie it makes people into. And this is the vastly improved medication - FUCK!
Stephe Fry is managing without it. I want to make contact with him and talk about this. But then AB said this was just my on a high and being grandiose. Is it? Is it really? Or is it wanting to speak with someone who knows and understands. I'm getting his documetary. And I would like to read his book too. I would like to talk to him about his experiences and I know he has done a lot of investigation. I want the psychiatrist to support me.
I felt the high when I was talking to the occ health nurse today. I could hear how I was talkng 10 to the dozen. My mum used tonotice that too and would tell me to stop being so excitable. I can see this has been tehre for so long. The psychiatrist talked about trauma induced bi-polar and the re-traumatising that has occurred recently .... along with the magnification through hormonal (bullshit nonsense terrible invention ha ha) changes!!!!
I realised that yesterday I was high - at the meeting. I was having inappropriate thoughts. The same sort of grandiosity and was thinking I would try and make myself appealing. I was immedately aware of myself and stopped the thinking. Funny thing is the man I was thinking about being appealing too came running me as I said bye and walked out of the door. I stood there talking about stuff. I didn't act out and felt very uncomfortable. I was also aware that I had been speaking with my friend prior to the meeting who was talking about her new relationship. I am very, very excited for her as she is very happy and enthusiastic. At the same time I was a little jealous even though right now I do not want a relationship. I am scared as I want to be loved. I have so much love to give. Now I think anyone will think I am completely crazy and never take me seriously if they think I am bi-polar. I have seen how people disregard someone who is bi-polar. Toss aside the ideas because they are in a haze of madness. Not so. There is an energy.
I have ideas - so many ideas. And what I want to do is channel my energy into those ideas.

Oh some of these are hilarious - some of my friends get quite frustrated with my typos whereas I find them really funny.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

I am tired now.
Exhausted actually. I have tomorrow to phone my psych as a priority. I need him on board about the meds.
I am glad to be so acutely aware. When I got  in the care I realised how damned difficult this is all going to be. I need some support. I suddenly thought it would be so wonderful to have someone along who truly loved me and wanted to support me. But I have friends who will be there truly be there. And for that I am grateful.
So goodnight.

Bliss
XX