On being grown up

Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows. - John Betjeman.

I sense that the anger in me isn't grown up at all. I think the anger is childlike anger.
I feel tired too and with this comes intolerance. And despondency has arrived today. I feel sure that S is right in that the despondency follows the suppression of anger. Suppression in my attempts to contain the behaviours associated with heightened anger, rage and fury even.
I feel a sort of resignation and an unhappiness about everything. It all seems difficult. I become dark in my thinking. I was driving home thinking about just getting it over and done with. I get a real surge of energy to do it and then it passes almost immediately. But the desire stays with me. It sometimes feels too difficult to live this life. I am scared.
I am afraid of not being able to survive with any dignity. You know, not having a job, not having funds to live with any sort of comfort, just existing. What's the point? And to work etc all feels impossible. Where I used to be ambitious and believe in myself, now all I do is doubt and feel drained by the lack of any self belief. I have so much of this and then I work with a woman who undermines all the time. I can't trust her motives behind anything at all she says. I don't think she has any respect for me at all. Or is it me that doesn't believe in me at all and project that onto her, seeing it in her eyes, hearing it in her tones. Just like I would do with my dad.
Is this the despondency after the mania? It's such hard work oscillating between these extremes. And the extremes could be worse.
I feel angry with K's kids for not respecting her, I feel angry with K for not setting boundaries. I feel sad and angry with J for not wanting to get into recovery. I feel angry with L for being such hard work. I feel angry with just about everything and anything and I think it's childlike because I don't know how to manage it or where to put it. I feel abandoned by my dad but surely this isn't enough to feel the level of anger I feel. It's so flipping annoying. And yet anyone else I would be saying this is the anger that seeps out and now I want to manage it rather than it controlling me and spilling out.
It's pretty tiring. And where's God in all this S asked?
God please help me to know and understand. Please show me how to be. Please help me. I don't feel I can take anymore. I'm beginning not to function in my home once again. It's always possible to tell the state of mind through the state of my flat.
My food is clean. This leaves me with all this emotion to deal with. To be honest it was complicated and difficult even with the food. Maybe the food just wasn't working anymore. I think I'm angry about all the years of wastage too. Angry that I'm not in a different situation. There is loss too. Loss of that youthfulness ambition and drive. All the things that have happened in my life. Decisions I've made, people that have been through my life. Arrrrrrrgh!
The anger is stronger than I'm able to tap out on a keyboard.

Bliss
x

Camouflaged sadness and hurt

S didn't want to let me pass by the emotions I described that have arisen after meeting with him on Saturday. She was very good, and continued to be so today, at hearing the real pain amidst everything. All the other good things were real; a lovely evening BBQing in honour of my birthday with important friends, wonderful presents, fun and laughter, a rebate cheque from HM tax office (blimey!) and just when I am wondering how to afford a car service and purchase a new washing machine, a weekend with visits of me actually showing up to friends I can easily neglect, then a flat to come home to that's private and safe. All these good things and yet S noticed I by-passed strong emotions in connection with my dad.
I have been feeling sadness. That's realted to the gaping chasm between us. We are different sides of teh Grand Canyon, shouting across to each other. I don't want to lose that loose connection across the chasm and yet I'm finding it difficult to be heard and noticed. I am trying to hear everything he says but it's sometimes garbled with the echoes or so quiet that other noises distract from the essence of what is being said. I feel sad for the chasm and regret for the part I've played in creating that deep and immense distance between us. It feels as if the journey to be undertaken to get together is too long with the energy and amount of time left. I feel as if I can get there quickly enough. At the same time I cannot rush it when coming across all the things I need to get through the journey; money, food, shelter, support. I want the quick way, a bridge or a plane. At least  want to get across and I'm making the effort to keep in contact even when it seems as if he is not saying so much. He stands there anyway, which is a sure sign there is something worthwhile between us. It hurts though. It hurts that he can be so easily distracted away. He has his wife there in the background. I felt jealous that he had brought her to Petersfield and it was even worse that he didn't tell me directly and only became apparent as I asked probing questions. The hurt and the sadness mixed seemed to attenuate as the jealousy took over. It's so much easier to be in some variation of anger. And therefore since yesterday I have been angry. There is a degree of augmenting the anger with S, my colleague. We pick out the negatives in the interactions. I can see with me that some of it is trying to get an assurance that S's playfulness with her and accordance is actually only a placatory thing and not genuine. I am scared of her switching sides. Fear! fear of? Fear of being left alone with my dislike and disapproval. That on my own I will be wrong. There's probably more underlying that. I'm afraid.
But the anger - hmmm. I'm angry with ? I just feel angry. It's like a childish anger that feels free floating and I don't knw what has caused it or where to put it so it keeps landing on every little thing that irritates me. It could be hormonal having had hot flushes a couple of weeks ago and fluttery tummy days last week. Then pain on Sunday night. lus I'm tired. I'm not going to bed early.
On the other hand there are situations that I feel angry about. I feel angry that my employers do not give us the bank holiday that the nation has been given to honour the Queens Diamond jubilee. In reality I am not a royalist although have enjoyed watching some of the pomp and ceremony. I do feel a sense of pride and honour when I see all the royal family and glitz. The Queen is remarkable really. The "pop" concert was actually diabolical in terms of intellectual creativity for me. But I did bop along to one or two of the performers. I really admire the strength of Tom Jones voice and the stardom Kylie Minogue created with her catchy numbers and sexy styles. I noticed that she was alot more subdued in her performance. I cringed at the comedian hosts. I watched it until the end despite being only partially entertained.
And as I said this to S this monring she pointed out that several times I had talked about doing things to numb out. At one point I had said "fuck-it!" and was thinking about buying sugar products. Whilst with A there were various sugar products about and I wanted to help myself. I was afraid though knowing that it wouldn't stop.
What am I angry about that I am feeling a need to suppress it?
I'm angry at not having enough money to be able to afford luxuries like a washing machine. I am angry that my employers do not invest in us at all - training, pay increases, bank holidays, and it feels like injustice so I feel helpless. I feel angry with L's ways of getting at me all the time. It's probably not intentional but little comments seem indirectly derogatory and undermining often. She has a way of being underhand. It's boring in a way. I'm angry that I enter into the negativity with S. I'm angry at the distance between my dad and I. I'm angry that he still doesn't give me THE priority and that goes way, way back. I'm angry that my mum is dead. I'm angry that S seems to challenge rather than purely hear me - I need to learn the technique of what it is I want as I think I antogonise people in my working practice in a similar way. It's good learning. I'm angry that my knowledge and anger is being insulted. I'm angry because I'm tired. I'm angry because I have so little time for me every evening and yet I sit chatting for ages and that's time for me. I wonder if A would like to go for a late walk?
I'm angry with myself - for the behaviours that have contributed to the chasm between my dad and I. But I can also be gentle with mysef and remember that I have been unwell for many years. I'm angry that he was the way he was - a bully, unkind at times, rude to my mum, a liar. I am very angry at his lies. His devious lies and his nonsense lies. Oh yes I'm truly angry about that.
I'm angry at being angry.
The thing is I need to let this anger out appropriately. The more I attempt to suppress it, the more opportunity it has to fester and amass into rage. And then rage and fury become destructive. That's what I need to contain. I recognise that S. I agree with you and felt irritated that you pointed it out when I know it anyway. Keep an open mind Bliss. She was pointing out what I wasn't stating.
The need to numb has been a need to contain the raging behaviours I think and also some laziness. Oh yes I'm angry that I'm not studying but truly enjoying not studying. I'm angry for not being better trained and qualified and yet again skating aling trying not to be noticed for being underskilled.
So writing is a tool that can help me express my anger appropriately. It's anger at different levels. I know the desire to rebel is a degree of anger that would suggest it's on the upward tilt.

well as I'm at work I'm going to end this post.
I think some people will think badly of anger. I do not. I embrace it rather than pretend it doesn't exist. Anger is useful and a parallel feeelng with fear. Both are necessary. However, with anger is a destructive force of energy. Necessary on an evolutionary scale. Anger drives the courage to be fearce in the face of danger. Fear provides the adrenalin to run if necessary.
So here is all this anger that has never been directed. I was only ever taught how to numb it out. And I haev a lot. When anger is punctured with trauma and abuse including spiritual abuse such as never being regarded or respected, then it can become explosive. And explosive is very dangerous even murderous - inwardly or outwardly.
So it's good to acknowledge the anger and gy writing and talking I am identifying lots of things that I'm feeling angry about. IN this way I can contain the degree to which it escalates and then it's also easier to monitor the behavioural reactions or atitude.
Thank you God.
Bliss
X

The Hudsucker Proxy

A Joel Coen film. I can't decide whether it's good or silly. It's in a sort of old 50's style and a comedy but with a very serious undertone. The falsity of the commercial world. I can relate to a lot of it. The loneliness amidst the demands of consistently performing, underhand private agenda's. The power trap and snobbery. The tricksters all wanting to get their cut somehow.
Marketing and commercialism.
It's a a pretty unbalanced world where that kind of attitude is the mode of operandi. And everyone really cannot trust. Everyone has to be on red alert. Everyone wants, wants, wants and at any cost so long as it's not at their own cost.
It's horrid.
A good view of the ways of the supposed civilised communities. Blur!!!!!



Empire says (and gives it a 4 star, I've given it a 3.75 star - out of 5) "Just as Norville Barns lands a dull job in the mailroom of the Hudsucker corporation, the firm's founder is taking a suicide leap from the top floor. In order to take control of the business, the board must force shares to decrease in value rapidly, so they put Norvill in charge"
Tim Robbins plays Barns, Paul Newman is Sidney J. Mussberger, the coniving clever self-centred one. Jennifer Jason Leigh plays Amy the double crossing reporter who falls in love with Norvill.

I guess it was playful and made very good points about the craziness of the world. It was a feelgood film too despite the despair and gloominess. It was like a cartoon version in away of a film I watched where the man was in some purgatory place. Everything was grey, there was nothing that tasted or smelt, the job he was given was monotonous, there was no joy or pleasure in anything at all. What was this film called? It was a foreign film and although a odd I really liked it. It grabbed me more than this one did beforehand. I think it did grab me because it was Coen Brothers film. They make good films and sometimes they make great films!

I'm off to the B's for a walk prior to BBQ'ing
Bliss
X

Keeping the circles turning

I'm feeling rather full up after lunch. Yet immediately after eating I wanted more. But now my tummy feels filled out. I think it's swelling which could be related to eating cauliflower that's possibly too old to be eating. O well. I am trying to be cautious with spending and that means making every scrap of food count.

I met with my dad. He arrived and made some comment about being outside of the coffee shop at 10:20. Before he carried on I said that I'd seen him entering the car park. He then came up with a story about a bus blocking the road and him stopping and being rudely threatening towards the driver. Of course I just know that was bullshit.  I wonder why he feels the need. It's as if he's a big strong guy still and wanting to scare. It's power and hides a lack of self I believe. It saddens me as I write that and consider what's underneath the aggressive tones and manner. I suspect this also covered up the fact he was late and was beginning to lie.
He then revealed without meaning to that he had dropped Theresa off and that she hadn't wanted to some and had a coffee as well. Apparently he has a urinary infection and has to go and get an injection. I have no idea if it's true and that I guess is the really sad part of this that it's difficult to know what is the truth or embellished or downright fantasy.
I didn't know what to talk about. I stuck to the recent art galleries and events I'd been to. I mentioned Brick Lane and there was a little meeting of paths talking about how different it is. He recognised Brick Lane as a once slum area of London. If a car had been stolen you'd be likely to find it dumped in Brick Lane. All these once depressed areas are now trendy and expensive. Even Hackney!
There was some discussion about his health issues. He complimented me saying that I don't look my age at all.

Anyhow, I noticed that I felt jealous when he was saying that he couldn't stay long as he and Theresa......There was a part of this though that was me feeling let down. Yet again he wanted to get away as quickly as possible. And not even be able to be truthful, or maybe he was but who really knows? I suspect he doesn't truly know what's true or not these days. This jealousy though was goo to notice.
As soon as I noticed I was able to stop the next words in case it came out negatively and rudely. I enquired after Theresa. He protested that he doesn't see her daughters and doesn't like them. Again it just didn't ring true. But who knows? He was just so rude about them, well specifically the youngest one. He cana't bear the way she goes on and on talking about nothing.
Actually so much of what he says seems to be difficult to discern whether it's true or not and this makes conversation difficult really. It's so obvious that it's not all true. He makes a fool over him. I know that other people have indicated that he's fake. I wonder if Theresa's seen it too. She must have by now.
They spend so much time visiting the hospital and when asking what they like doing, he said sitting by the sea and visiting Southsea from time to time to watch the boats. I wonder if I could find some nice deckchairs for his Father's Day present. Or something that would facilitate a little comfort whilst sitting on the beach. I will look out for something. Whenever do I get to visit the shops?
I would like to find a little something for AW. She left on Thursday. Thank goodness a few people could be mustered together to make a formal goodbye. It was all so last minute and meaningless I realised. I would not want the same to be done for me. Not in that manner anyway.
Yuch! So fake. Thankfully there was a contribution to her collection and people signed her card.

I am pleased though, returning to the meeting with my dad, that I was aware of my emotions and able therefore to check my attitude and behaviour. Moreover, the self pity and fury was short lived. I recognised these as I started the drive home. I do feel angry that it's difficult to pick through the bullshit. I'm upset that he doesn't really want to spend time with me and then I project that anger onto Theresa, having him under the thumb. Yet I can also relate to it. I was afraid to be out for too long when I was with SH. I would stay a tad longer (co dependently not being able to leave) and yet scared of not leaving too. Oh gosh such painful ways of operating, or not operating. He may have different agendas and motives but I can recognise the mixed up behaviours.

I told him about the BBQ this evening. I told him this so that would know that people do nice things for me. I wanted him to feel guilty actually - manipulation. I did thank him for the cheque. He started to have a go at me for not cashing it yet. I didn't say sorry in any shape or form and take responsibility for past times cashing it very late but I did say that I have difficulty getting to a bank blah, blah, blah. I wished I taken responsibility and had been able to say that it wasn't my intention to inconvenience him when he was giving me a gift.
IN reality though and overall I did incredibly well. I didn't get it perfectly right but it's a miracle how far I am away from 7 or 8 months ago. And a million miles from the way I was 12 years ago. 12 years ago I had come out of treatment, mum was ill and I was avoiding my dad meaning that I didn't see much of my mum. Then it became more serious illness and I was there all the time. So mixed up!!!
And here I am today simply not owning one thing during the brief encounter and being compassionate and taking on a loving attitude for the most part. I feel pleased with this progress and still have things to work on.
Please God help me to manage the sadness, the anger, the jealousy and the confusion.

Thank you God. Oh and please show me the right thing to do with regard to the job. And please show me how to make amends to S.
How will I manage the clients that I see on a 1:1 basis? These people matter to me. They really do.


Bliss
XX

Thought crime

Interesting. I have a dilemma and discussing it through with my stand in FA sponsor something else entirely different came up for consideration. It comes back to a fine line again. Discernment or complete honesty.
You see the situation is that I travelled to Southampton yesterday having been invited because I had raised the idea that I might like to find a position in another P hospital. The manager mentioned this possible position and hence the day visit was arranged. I really was not interested, thinking that the journey was too long and also remembering how much I disliked being there when I was training and on placement there. It was a miserable experience.
Whilst travelling I made a call to an FA fellow. She used to be a head hunter and when I said I was feeling naughty just going for a day trip to be out of the office and the constant differences there (despite having found a way of managing myself within that so that I'm not constantly in conflict). This FA'er very gently raised the question about not saying to the S'ton people that it's not a viable journey. I suddenly realised that I hadn't prepared myself at all for this informal day. I would still be representing myself and as Ambassador for me I needed to think about how to present myself.
It probably showed that I hadn't thought through things enough. When K asked if I specialise, I missed the point and tried to flaff around an integrative approach to therapy. What she meant was whether there were addictions that I specialise in. I listed a few and realised that I hadn't spent enough time at all thinking abut who I am and what I do well. I also regret speaking too much about the recent difficulties but was very careful to express how it was achievement working through my sensitivity to changes and finding ways to maintain my desire to be flexible and adaptable and friendly and pleasant. I explained that the new working philosophy wasn't quite what I wanted.
K FA'er helped me identify the things that sound important to me. The working environment and atmosphere is definitely important after what has just been going on. Also the model of working is important. As you may realise I have come away actually quite enthused by the proposition of working there. My difficulty is the increased journey. I would really want to be reducing my travelling time not increasing it. Not to mention the increased costs.
I am concerned about M. She is truly burnt out and there would just be the two of us. Both as therapists reporting to K. She has been managing the department on her own for a year and a half. She has a lot of resentments and dislikes. I am not sure how she can overcome that. She seems very unhappy generally and realises that she actually has been quite unwell. She said she had lost herself spiritually several times. I wanted to ask how she thinks she needs to heal. I think she will need time and a lot of input into herself. She clearly has a tendency to over work but at a dear cost to herself.
K seemed positive and said there is investment in the hospital and therefore investment in the department. She seemed flexible, thinking outside of the box to accommodate. She wants to prepare a department structure and then launch it as a product both internally and externally. It certainly needs developing and getting internal customers on side.
Now the thing is that I have the dilemma of trundling along as things are in my current position. So long as I stay aware then I don't enter into my wanting to control and I can accept L's need for total control. It's not ideal and very stifling of being myself and developing trust in myself. However, it's pretty easy really. It's busier in some senses as there is no room for sessionals etc. At the same time L takes on more and more and is totally responsible. I keep handing over every decision to her mainly because she wants that and also because she is so inconsistent in my opinion. Then she takes it on her as her job to do. It surprises me but now I know that I just keep giving it to her to decide whether she delegates it or not. Her desk is a mess so I never really know what's going on. I send messages by email as a follow up because I've learnt that it's left as a very loose accusation when messages aren't remembered or followed through.
She is taking on all the ward rounds apart from the people that she doesn't like. I watch her slap and bully people about and then is super duper nice to them afterwards. Very crazy-making. People, I, don't know if I'm in or out of favour. It changes from moment to moment. But she swans around humming and perfectly OK with herself. That's great! But I do wonder if she realises the impact she has. It's not position to say. I can merely observe and reflect on the impact on me.
I do like some of her ideas and am learning although I would put my slant on things.

So then there is M. She will find it difficult to handover any PR. She will need time to feel well in herself. She will be holding the resentments and that will certainly impact newness. It would be interesting to observe myself with her. She seemed a lovely lady but there was a sense of persecution about her. Although I also hear how much she has been fighting with the powers that be to get things changed. I saw in her a reflection of me whinging. She had genuine cause to be dissatisfied and worn out. I have had too but I so wanted not to sound as if I was whinging. I think I entered into it a tad.

Now the things that has come out of discussing all of the dilemma and the package that I think I would want to take the job on ... I'll come back to that, was the knowledge that when P's got his business up and running I would be leaving anyway. He reckons now we'll be looking at December. Of course that is subject to everything running smoothly. He says that as things develop he could easily take on a sessional and then be ready to take me on full time down the line. He says it's a guarantee and sees us doing that for the next 10 years. I certainly would want to work for P and I think within that there would be room for me to do some private work. I would hope so. And of course my studying. I know there is actually no guarantee but for the time being I would be taking this job with knowledge that I plan to leave in say 7 or 8 months time. That will be long dark drives as well I realise. Summer may not seem so bad. Anyway!
S, FA'er, asked if I would be comfortable with that dishonesty. I was immediately defensive and angry saying that it would be foolish to reveal such a thought to a corporation whom I want to stay employed with for the time being. And then this raised in me another fine line... as she said it reminded her of the Thought crime in Orwell's book 1984. I hadn't remembered it specifically but realised the influence of that on the film Minority Report. An interesting story that really took this one point and expanded upon it. I like it when I see connections like this. The beauty of being well read or versed in books and films and I'm not. They are great ways to explain something too.
So here I am with thought crime. of course no one is going to see through special psychological windows exactly what my thought crime is but it will be there and certainly I believe that thoughts influence behaviours. There would be a secret you see. And of course I felt really terrible that I hadn't said to S that I was going to S'ton on Friday. She found out through L. Admittedly she has been away whilst it's all be taking place but I was avoiding saying anything on Wednesday for selfish reasons. I don't want her to suddenly up and leave. How mistrusting am I? God please help me with this.
So anyway I would really like the challenge of this position. I think there is a lot to develop but I don't want the responsibility of that, however I would like to be a part of it.
I would like an increase in salary fixed to work Monday to Thursday but on a Tuesday working 09:00 until 20:00 and then I can Aftercare and still have two of us in. I would hope that they would have a sessional for the Friday but also we could develop the programme so that Friday was perhaps a busier morning and a light afternoon.
I think on top of my salary increase I'd like some petrol expenses say £2000 per year. It's not enough but it would be something. I probably should work that out more exactly before I under sell myself.
I would also like to secure the 12 days study leave I already have - 1 day per month.
That would seem like a good package to me. Although of course the salary is never good enough. We are grossly under paid. But it would be a lovely environment in terms of the grounds. Hopefully having support M could regain hers sense of self and spirit that she feels she has lost and together we could develop the department with K heading it up. There is the close competition of course and a lot of bad feeling about that.
It would be interesting to know what the consultants are looking for from the department as there seems to be a big difference. Something that I believe has been worked on and is ongoing. I know L is making sure she has a lot of contact with them.
It could be quite exciting.
But what about this discernment? Isn't it stupid to say that I would be planning to move on if this other venture comes to fruition. Of course anything can and will happen between now and then. At the same time to not be honest and open about such things does leave me with some discomfort. And would undoubtedly seep out in some way if not feeling disloyal as with S and the visit to S'ton.
It's interesting. Another gap of finding balance.
I'm off to meet with my father now. There is a degree of anxiety I can feel. I've changed my top as I felt too exposed. Interesting. And I've worn clothes along similar lines of how I think ML would dress. He had so much high regard for ML. Always he seemed to like others more than me. Later on though he would have found their faults and slapped them down behind their back but drop them without warning. Not dissimilar to the bullying tactics at work.
Right I must go otherwise I'll be late.
More to write later on.
Bliss
XX

HALT

Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

I am feeling hungry yet I know I've had enough food, the same food I've had every other day. I am very tired so this is probably contributing to the the hunger. But I wonder what's going on underneath the surface. Also I'm feeling lonely. I have been thinking about choices I've made in the past. I chose not to have children and that meant some radical subsequent choices. Horrible choices for which I feel disgust as well as sadness. It is too difficult for me to fully own right now. I have a lot of healing to do but first some admitting to do. I am not ready to do that here yet.
I do realise that there are still many things that when I think about them I detach. I feel nothing and yet I know there are feelings to feel. It's quite amazing to observe the detachment. It leaves a real vacuum. It's something I would like not to happen. I understand however that it was a mechanism that has been a protector from a very young age. The more abstinent I've become the more obvious the detachment from feelings is. Or maybe the more it's had to come into operation because I don't even have food to keep me separated from my emotions. I hope that I won't need to do this so much. I know it's probably an essential tool. We are remarkable in that there is a filter so that we are not overloaded. However there is also the inability to let the filter filter adequately enough there there isn't a total disconnect.

It is so revealing to get greater clarity on such a phenomenon.

This evening my dad called. You know I would have been writing that with a feeling of gloom not so many months ago. Today I write it with a different feel about it. I was very tired when I picked up his call. And he called to enquire if I'd received his card. I had and thanked him for his very generous cheque and the £10 too. I also said it was a lovely card and thanked him again before putting the phone down. I was able to tell him that I'm not eating out at the moment (day 8 of 90). He thinks it's a diet and I didn't think it would be of any use to him for me to try and explain. I know and that's enough. Perhaps he would understand but somehow it seems unimportant to try. All that matters is that I informed him of my situation. He doesn't know yet at what time we could meet. I hope he will meet me but perhaps it's not convenient for him. I seem to think he has a lot of negotiating around his wife. I did apologise for not sounding lively and that I was feeling tired. He wondered if I would be doing anything tomorrow. It's a day as normal. Working even with a 1:1 after the usual hours. All extra income with increasing costs. I feel very glad to have this potential to earn some extras whilst also supporting people in their journey to bringing about change. That's a privilege.

All in all it was a cheerful call on my behalf with my dad. This is a light relief after all the years of angst and battling. He must find it very strange. If I were at Step 9, there are things I would take ownership of and say how sorry I am. Instead I am putting action in to be different. I'm sure he must feel uncertain about this as I've tried being "good two shoes" before on different occasions. So now it's about consistency. I am showing up and being cheerful. I am listening to him and not argumentative. I am understanding where there is a misunderstanding of me. I do not need to try and make him understand or see me. He seems to find me so very different from him and that's OK. And yet there are so many similarities no doubt. I no longer need to impose myself on him to feel acceptable. I am getting that from deeper within me. I am understood and loved by my HP. What more do I need? Nothing.
Gosh how far I've come along this part of the road.

Lonely? Sometimes yes I am. Overall though my days are very busy. I really enjoy time alone. It's calm and I have so much to sit and enjoy by myself. I also love being with people. I am interested in people. I just would like to practice listening to others more rather than talking out my versions of their idea. I don't really do that at all. But being interested in people means me spending more time getting clarity on their thoughts and feelings rather than the other way around. What really makes people tick? And as I'm really quite close with some people how do I get to listen and know more? Listen I suppose.

Angry? Actually no. There is frustration. I'm not sure why that popped up. Frustration with people who in my opinion don;t have the clarity they think they have. It's their business and in the spirit of my passion I can simply listen and reflect. Somethings are just a trigger. I can let go and maintain my serenity and grace.
 What a gift of learning. I will talk it through with my sponsor no doubt if it enters my thoughts in the morning.

Tired? Yes I truly am. And no wonder, I'm going to bed later than is good for me. So I'm going off to bed now.
I have still to write about the Bauhaus exhibition at the Barbican and now Gillian Wearing's exhibition at Whitechapel Gallery. Oh and the Art Car Boot Sale, and strolling along Brick Lane.
All these little adventures I have and scenes of people living that I see.
Marvellous

Bliss
X

Dragon's and gifts

It's interesting to me that something I think of as a gift and freedom sounds as if I'm being harsh and restricting in the thoughts of another.
I am so relieved to be revisiting step one and returning to day 1, well day 5 now. Addiction is a disease that kills. Not necessarily physically although how many times I get to feeling suicidal and have made attempts at my life in the past, just not able to live with using food, either over eating or restricting or bulimia. And yet also not being able to live without these coping mechanisms. Liking life without them seemed too difficult because these were my means for escape in various ways. And yet they were now killing me. Killing my soul. I spent years trying to find a way to control eat. Ultimately wanting to be thin but also wanting to be able to eat anything. The ideal would be to eat anything and as much as I want and still be thin. And of course not feel ashamed or disgusted with my eating habits. Or upset people, or have to steal food, or hide food, or sneak food, or feel so bad I just want to hide away, or arrange to be with friends to justify eating out, secret binges, eating dreadful foods and so on and so on. Just some of the behaviours and consequences that come to mind. And that's really not taking a close look at the mental illness that also impacted on my mum and my dad. even though it affected them in different ways.
So looking at the bigger picture, the chaos that ensues, and I might add very quickly these days, is very clear. When I do not have abstinent food life is chaotic and affects everyone around me including me.
S that means I truly need to get an understanding of powerlessness. This last issue with the cheese is not about the cheese itself, it's about the powerlessness. A friend who cares says not to be harsh on myself and keep it in perspective. I can see what she means. I can see that it may appear harsh to make a big deal about the cheese. I guess I didn't make clear in my thought stream that it's about being vigilant. I cannot afford to be anything but. And that requires me to be precise about the pre-agreed weights of my food. I have been given a fixed amount of weights and food types for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The evening before, I write down what I will have for each meal during the following day. And at the beginning of the day after 30 minutes of quiet time, I call my sponsor. This time is useful for sharing whatever is going on and then I read out my food plan for the day. That is commitment. Nothing more and nothing less and no alterations without first re-committing my food and checking my motives for any changes.
I cannot afford to deviate because when I do I am taking my will back and believing I have control over food. I know without doubt I am a food addict. And quite rightly I am many other things too. I am a friend, a daughter, a thinker, a hard working employee, a listener, a creator, a writer, a photographer, a listener of music, a walker. I am kind and thoughtful but sometimes I can be mean and selfish. I am intelligent but often not knowledgeable or wise, although I think I can be both of these too at different times. I am an emotional and sensitive person. I can be humorous. I am secretive at times but practising changing this more and more. And so on. I know I am many ore things than simply an addict. However, it is life and death for me that I put the addiction first. Simply by accepting that I'm a food addict reminds me that I need to keep my food abstinent, that means weighed and measured. I do not have flour and/or sugar. Of course fruit has natural sugar.
Oh yes this is a rigorous programme and not for the faint hearted. I truly was on my knees. I ope far enough down that I am in no doubt that I am powerless over food. I truly understand it now.
I will be mindful though of the tones I use to talk to myself about this. If my friend read it as harsh then there is room for improvement. Not room to change the abstinence. Oh no. I love my food weighed and measured and eaten at times that are pretty fixed too. All this provides the structure and means that dealing with life is exactly that and not dealing with life through a haze of a binge which in turn brings in guilt and shame and self-hatred. All of which chips away at the last few threads of self esteem I might have. And without self esteem there have been so many times that I've thought what's the point let's go now.

I am very sleep I think I might have a nap. Pity I didn't have a garden I felt like sitting in. I could lounge in the sun for a while before M arrives.

Mmmm a lovely phone call from an FA'er. It's nice to hear from familiar voices and relate. I humbled myself an told her about choosing to go back to day 1. It was interesting to hear her thoughts on complete and utter abstinence including the grey areas that can crop up in thinking.
I need to phone G and tell him that I can't do the chair on Tuesday. I have put off calling him. If he's at the meeting this evening I will tell him although it would be better to call him NOW! A art of the putting off is because I don't want him to think of me as anal. For goodness sake how can I be interested in this man????

I haven't made my 3 phone calls today. Who shall I call? D - apparently she qualified today. I am not sure about how comfortable I am how freely people talk about others. However this was innocent really.

As for thoughts on bi polar. Well here are some rantings written I think in highs. I was writing an email to a friend but thankfully did not send it. Just free writing as thoughts came into my mind.

"

Good morning.

I hope you won't mind me writing. I need to expel thoughts as I'm really am aware that I'm feeling manic. It's not the worse it can be but I'm beginning to be more acutely aware of the way up. It helps to write out the ideas.

I've entitled this dragon because I know in Chinese astrology the dragon is representative of high energy, not being able to sit still for long and flit from idea to idea. I'm actually born in the year of the rat and apparently need a lot of stimulation (so true) both mentally and physically. Another trait of being born a Rat is a mental restlessness. Lots of these traits coincide with my birth sign Gemini. I'm not sure how much I invest in these categorisations of people. It seems to me that we people need to create finite to feel safe, pigeon-holing so that we know. And knowledge offers the false belief of power and power represents stability and safety. Supposedly!

I hold a believe that it is true to a certain degree. But power is given.

I started writing this in the morning and was definitely higher than I am now. And thoughts were vivid and fast. Now I am drained and tired so things seem less clear.

I really wish I'd been able to finish writing this morning because I had such clear thoughts on the whole mental illness situation. Now it seems to have slipped away, like sand shifting through my fingers.

I feel as if I'm either on the way into highs or slipping back into lows. And although when slightly lower than this I really know that getting high is not what I want and it's as awful really as the lows I've been getting the excited feeling and finding it all very funny. I have started writing a lot. I think that helps to expound on ideas and expel the driving energy that feels more and more difficult to contain.

It was suggested by Occupational Health that I let my manager know. Ugh! That was such a painful thing to have to do. The shame and the fear of being judged as mad, crazy and incapable. I thought then that nothing I would ever say again would ever be taken seriously. It was said with the awareness that having been through several months of extreme stress and thankfully coming through it, then there has been a trigger into this.

But anyhow that wasn't what I was wanting to write about. But I am juddering inside at the fact that I did it. I think I did it all far too soon and impulsively. I think I should have asked Occ Health to be along with me. I just feel dreadful about having t have told them.

Isn't there a stigma with anything mental? People think they are sane and "normal".

What I realise is though that OK so I have a mental illness and that manifests in these extremes of highs and lows which recently I am either more aware of or they are more evident. Although similar that is not the same thing.

This mental illness manifests in so many different ways. None of the symptoms fit neatly into only one box. I have addiction, high states of mind which changes reasoning and increases a real need for high risks. It includes spending money, engaging with unsuitable men, in the past alcohol and drugs have fuelled greater and greater risk taking activities, (they happen without drink and drugs too), it drives this desire to write and create - isn't that just so weird. Then I think how could anyone ever take anything I ever do seriously because any ideas might just be the mental illness. Oh yes increasing paranoia. Fears of things like corners of the room and cupboards or thinking people have been in my flat. Who? Why?

I really wish I'd written my thoughts this morning because now it's all gone and it really helped me to see things at that time. Where has it slipped away to.

A restlessness. Ever since I can recall I have had stages of that restlessness. Wanting something so so badly but nothing feels to be the thing. My mum would takes ages suggesting doing this or that but it wasn't enough. Sometimes I wanted to be colouring in. Large very detailed pictures is what I wanted. Jigsaws actually were a good way to focus some of the energy. Somehow it was intense. Intensity was a good thing to be having.

Ugh just hit me again that I told the manager. I asked him not to tell anyone as well. Ugh ugh ugh! I so wish I hadn't. Bloody hell. Impulsive decisions. People shouldn't make suggestions when like this. I just do them!!

I am having ideas for sketches as well. Man!

I hope I get the clarity again to be able to write my theory down. Oh well. Just have to try and accept that it's gone.

I don't think I'll send this after all because it makes little sense and I feel a little loony with what I'm writing yet also know that that's because I can't retrieve the thoughts I had earlier.

Grrr

Have been thinking back about MP. Wondering how he got to be so sensitive. It was there long before I met him and long before we split up.

The greatest amends I can make is to stay away. At least I know that. But then his ex-girlfriend contacted me via FRU. How strange that was. That was a t the early stages of an increasing mania.

OK it's now the next morning. All the fuzzy headedness I had last evening is slightly clearer I think. I am wondering if some of this is hormonal as things have seemed to be shifting there over the last week. I had a spotty outbreak. One moment none and the next moment a lump rising over my face. It took a lot longer to clear away than it took for them to arrive. I could almost see it happening as I looked (always briefly) in the mirror. Also I had a couple of hot flushes. One was very embarrassing as I was talking to a man in the "rooms" that actually was slightly attractive. Suddenly I was flushed and sweaty. It was the rising heat from deep within that only hormones know how to do in such embarrassing style. However my pride has lowered and I carried on talking and if he got some kind of kick in thinking I fancied him or if he thought bloody hell she's a freaky bird, it really doesn't matter. And then I've had a couple of times walking realising that everything feels heavy and dragging but from inside of me. Every lift of my foot seemed to be a real effort for my leg and I could feel something in my tummy really drained at the effort.

So maybe it's more than mania or maybe it's connected.

I also think it's connected with stress levels that I've had during the last 4 nearly 5 months. I can see alot of my part in this now. That is not to say that I was wrong and I do not take ownership of anyone else's part in this. There could be a lot to be learnt not just by me but whether that opportunity is taken or not is something I can let go of.

These last months have felt like I'm pushing my way through a forest that is so dense there is no room to get around the trees. Instead I've had to push through the tiny gaps, ripping my skin at times and getting bruised and battered. It's been dark, cold and very frightening not knowing what sort of creatures will leap out and from which direction, from above, below, behind or in front of me. Trying to be alert to them and still pushing through the trees and feeling at times very lonely has been draining of all energy and crazy-making. It seemed like the forest was endless, getting past every tight squeeze just presented another one immediately and no light seemed to be shining through. And then suddenly I pushed past a tree only to fall right over the cliff edge. I didn't see it was there. It's relieving and freeing but also it's a bit of free fall right now. It represents I think this feeling of getting through the forest, realising that I've found a way through and the relief of that. Seeing that I was helped all the way but also forgetting that at times. That's ego stepping in. As if I did it and with that comes this free falling feel or wild excitement. The stress coupled with this high sense of achievement feels over stimulating in way. The mania or state that seems be rising during the day and then swooping into a low from the energy drain at night. I'm tired of it.

I'm getting some understanding though, even though it may seem very confusing to you.

In talking daily with my sponsor my acceptance of a mental illness is growing. Somehow the mania me needs to be acknowledged. I want people to recognise this side of me as valid. Not crazy and fool-hardy with ridiculous ideas, but a real part of me. I feel written-off when in this high. I think this is historical too as any ideas were simply disregarded and everyone (parents, especially my mum) waited for the high to die down and then "normality" to re-settle and then I would be listened to. But what about the high me. The ideas and desires are still valid. They are not "crazy" they are do-able and achievable although probably needed guidance and timeliness which in the high is what lacks. I am impulsive and racy. I recognise that and get to despise that bit because that's the bit that gets me into trouble in various ways. But it's also the bit that gets everything disregarded as being a little bit "fruit and nutty". How to get taken seriously? How to get the ideas into some sort of action before the despondency reappears and conformity engulfs the creative part. Why can't I have it all? Does everyone have this? Or do "normal" people have a constant balance to be creative and rational at the same time and appear balanced?

No one on this earth is perfectly normal. Everyone's brain wirings are unique, however the brains are all following a basic design. A design that is still on trial and approval. It's evolving and being tweeked with every generation even within our own lifetime. Evidence reveals this more and more. Some quirks just don't work at all and those used t die out, now medical advancement can keep those alive too more and more or at least lengthen the life span. maybe those quirks then will become differently attuned but because there are differences from the main design, the one that most people think of as normal, there are stigmas attached.

People are afraid of anything out of their normal sphere. For some that sphere is broader or narrower than others. We have to learn to deal with that. The population of this planet are fearful when out of the norm. I get fearful of just the slightest changes. But over these last months I have learnt so much about this fear and my prejudices that arise because of it. The defects of my character suddenly are all at the forefront. Supposedly trying to protect me but less and less do they work. Because there is something deeper and stronger that doesn't like the damage those elements of me cause. Now I could fade back into the despondency and withdraw. Depression and staying in my flat and avoiding. Sometimes I need to have rest time, that can be hours and days sometimes. But not letting that turn into avoidance is a real fine balance. The high is also some form of avoidance. I don't think I'm using it to get away, it's almost a way of getting involved. Elation. Super elation. It's as if something in me has been freed and as a result although I'm free falling it permits me to be who I am. And yet it's over the top? Is it though? The impulsive attitude and compulsion is not so helpful. After all telling by clinical manager yesterday has left me feeling anxious and ashamed. But I need to be careful of that self-hatred. This is pride and ego. I need humility and self love. I think being advised to tell him was OK but then I have such a need for the manic me to be acknowledged and accepted that I trotted off without checking in with anyone and slowing things down.

That is certainly what i need to do - slow myself down. I will take from a suggestion made to me and sit for extra quiet time this evening. 20 minutes. My quiet time anyway isn't very quiet with so many thoughts and words and images flying around my mind. Writing helps slow them and capture them. My sponsor is worried that I am over analysing. I probably am but I can't stop it. So writing helps (I think). Otherwise what do I do with all of these thoughts?

And then if I just let them pass they've been creations that fade into non existence.

Another morning. It's funny really that your dissertation should be along similar tracks.

This morning my head is slower and emptier. I can feel the distinct difference. An I want thoughts to be more orderly than the randomness that they've been in. It's incredible the difference.

Yesterday was a hectic day at work. There is so much to do it's non stop. And this is because we are no longer permitted to have sessionals to cover the gap made by someone being away on holiday"

Since then I realised that I really have been wanting someone to acknowledge the manic version of me as being just as real. I want to have the ideas acknowledged as OK even if there is muddled thinking. There does need some direction to get the ideas into an orderliness but that doesn't mean the ideas are not valid because it's in mania. I can see how my mum always dismissed this part of me and these ideas and wants without knowing what it was.

Bliss
xx